9 |
10 | 
11 |
12 | ---
13 |
14 | ### What is Colbert AI?
15 | Colbert AI is a Deep Learning Language Model that generates text in the style of *Stephen Colbert's* famous monologues.
16 |
17 | ### How did we build it?
18 | We used State of the Art Deep Learning Language model: Open AI's GPT-2 and Fine Tuned it using text from YouTube video captions.
19 |
20 | ## Technical Details
21 |
22 | ### Libraries used
23 | - [Transformers](https://github.com/huggingface/transformers)
24 | - [GPT-2](https://github.com/openai/gpt-2)
25 | - [Pytorch](https://github.com/pytorch/pytorch)
26 | - youtube_dl
27 |
28 | #### Downloading Video Captions From YouTube
29 | - The playlist is specified by `PLAYLIST_URL` in [`download.py`](./download.py)
30 | - `youtube_dl` module to download captions of each video from the playlist and saving all of them in *data/captions* folder
31 |
32 | #### Generating Text Corpus from Captions
33 | - We only looked for text where the speaker was Stephen Colbert
34 | - Individual captions were merged into single file, separated by an End of Text Marker
35 |
36 | ### Usage Guide:
37 | #### Using Colbert-AI to generate text based on Stephen Colbert's monologues.
38 | - Clone this repository, using:
39 | ```
40 | git clone https://github.com/NextTechLabAP/Colbert-AI.git
41 | ````
42 | - Install all requirements on `requirements.txt` using:
43 | ```
44 | pip install -r requirements.txt
45 | ```
46 | - Run `python3 download.py` to download the captions
47 | - Run `python3 caption_processing.py` to process the captions
48 | - Open the `Colbert-AI-v2.ipynb` Jupyter Notebook
49 | - Change path to captions.txt
50 | - Rull all cells
51 | #### Using Colbert-AI to generate text based on a custom text corpus
52 | - Clone this repository, using:
53 | ```
54 | git clone https://github.com/NextTechLabAP/Colbert-AI.git
55 | ```
56 | - Open the `Colbert-AI-v2.ipynb` Jupyter Notebook
57 | - Change path from `captions.txt` to the Custom Text Corpus file
58 | - Rull all cells
59 |
60 | ### The Model
61 | 
62 | #### GPT-2 has 4 different models:
63 | - GPT-2 Small (124M Model)
64 | - GPT-2 Medium (345M Model)
65 | - GPT-2 Large (774M Model)
66 | - GPT-2 Extra Large (1558M Model)
67 |
68 | We used GPT-2 Medium for our use case since we focused on building a lighter model so we could fine-tune it further.
69 |
70 | #### Functions Used
71 |
72 | ##### `choose_from_top(Probability, N)`:
73 | - Function to first select top N tokens from the probability list and then based on the selected N-word distribution
74 | ##### `generate_text(Input_Text, Length) `:
75 | - At each prediction step, GPT2 model needs to know all of the previous sequence elements to predict the next one. Below is a function that will tokenize the starting input text, and then in a loop, one new token is predicted at each step and is added to the sequence, which will be fed into the model in the next step. In the end, the token list is decoded back into a text.
76 |
77 | #### Generating Text
78 | ##### Text Can be Generated using `generate_text`. One of the Text Samples generated using prompt "Artificial Intelligence is ":
79 | - *Artificial general intelligence is the most likely future of the human race; it's a science which is not just possible but inevitable."*
80 |
81 | #### Fine-Tuning
82 | - Dataset has been preprocessed and prepared in `Text_Corpus` class.
83 | - **Variable Hyperparameters**
84 | - `BATCH_SIZE = (1)`
85 | - `EPOCHS = (30)`
86 | - `LEARNING_RATE = (1e-5)`
87 | - `WARMUP_STEPS = (10000)`
88 | - `MAX_SEQ_LEN = (550)`
89 | ##### Training the Model
90 | We trained the model and saved the model weights after each epoch. Then we generated Text Samples from the saved weights.
91 |
92 | ##### Results
93 | - *Now, there are some people out there who think trump's a bad person. For instance, this weekend, I watched the presidential candidate's first candidate round-up, and he was named "The man who can't get anything he wants to get right." ( cheers and applause ) that's a good quality. That's a good quality, because the only person who can't get anything right is Donald Trump. ( laughter ) and I'm not sure he's read the new book, "The man who can't get anything wrong."*
94 |
95 | - *This is a big day for the president of the united states. Trump is about to be released from impala. (laughter) (applause) and this is huge news because this is a big week for him because the court has decided that he can no longer use the n-word, because, in a letter to his staff, the president said, "If I didn't use the n-word, then why are all the other white house staff members calling me a cuck?!" (laughter) (applause) (cheers and applause) (piano riff) and trump's not the only person who has been in jail for the "N-word." last week, Austin turns out to be a founder of "N-god," which was also the name of a movie. (cheers and applause) and now trump is going to have a new "N-god." (laughter) and, of course, the "N-god"*
96 |
97 |
98 | ## Contributors
99 | - [@iam-abbas](https://github.com/iam-abbas)
100 | - [@cshubhamrao](https://github.com/cshubhamrao)
101 |
102 | **Mentions:**
103 | - [Martins Frolovs](https://towardsdatascience.com/teaching-gpt-2-a-sense-of-humor-fine-tuning-large-transformer-models-on-a-single-gpu-in-pytorch-59e8cec40912)
104 |
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
/caption_process.py:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1 | # MIT License
2 | #
3 | # Copyright (c) 2019 Shubham Rao
4 | #
5 | # Permission is hereby granted, free of charge, to any person obtaining a copy
6 | # of this software and associated documentation files (the "Software"), to deal
7 | # in the Software without restriction, including without limitation the rights
8 | # to use, copy, modify, merge, publish, distribute, sublicense, and/or sell
9 | # copies of the Software, and to permit persons to whom the Software is
10 | # furnished to do so, subject to the following conditions:
11 | #
12 | # The above copyright notice and this permission notice shall be included in all
13 | # copies or substantial portions of the Software.
14 | #
15 | # THE SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED "AS IS", WITHOUT WARRANTY OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR
16 | # IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO THE WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY,
17 | # FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE AND NONINFRINGEMENT. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE
18 | # AUTHORS OR COPYRIGHT HOLDERS BE LIABLE FOR ANY CLAIM, DAMAGES OR OTHER
19 | # LIABILITY, WHETHER IN AN ACTION OF CONTRACT, TORT OR OTHERWISE, ARISING FROM,
20 | # OUT OF OR IN CONNECTION WITH THE SOFTWARE OR THE USE OR OTHER DEALINGS IN THE
21 | # SOFTWARE.
22 |
23 | import glob
24 | import os.path
25 | import re
26 |
27 | import webvtt
28 |
29 | import download
30 |
31 | DATA_DIR = os.path.join(download.DATA_DIR, "captions")
32 |
33 |
34 | def main():
35 | speaker_jon = lambda text: re.match(r">> (Jon:|JON:|jon:) (.*)$", text)
36 | speaker_stephen = lambda text: re.match(r">> (Stephen:|STEPHEN:|stephen:) (.*)$", text)
37 | speaker = r">> (Stephen|STEPHEN|stephen)*(Jon|JON|jon)*:?(.*)$"
38 | vtt = webvtt.WebVTT()
39 | vtt_files = glob.iglob(f"{DATA_DIR}/*.vtt")
40 | txt_file = os.path.join(DATA_DIR, "../", "captions.txt")
41 | with open(txt_file, "w+") as f:
42 | for vtt_file in vtt_files:
43 | text = []
44 | stephen_speaking = True
45 | for caption in vtt.read(vtt_file):
46 | t = caption.text
47 | if speaker_jon(t):
48 | stephen_speaking = False
49 | continue
50 | if speaker_stephen(t):
51 | stephen_speaking = True
52 | t = "".join(x[1] for x in re.findall(r">> (Stephen:|STEPHEN:|stephen:) (.*)$", t))
53 | # print(text)
54 | if not stephen_speaking:
55 | continue
56 | # print(text)
57 | t = re.sub(speaker, r"\3", t, flags=re.M)
58 | text += [t.replace("\n", " ")]
59 | # print(text)
60 | f.writelines([" ".join(text)] + ["\n", "<|endoftext|>", "\n"])
61 |
62 |
63 | if __name__ == '__main__':
64 | main()
65 |
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
/data/readme:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1 | Folder for storing downloaded captions
2 |
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
/download.py:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1 | # MIT License
2 | #
3 | # Copyright (c) 2019 Shubham Rao
4 | #
5 | # Permission is hereby granted, free of charge, to any person obtaining a copy
6 | # of this software and associated documentation files (the "Software"), to deal
7 | # in the Software without restriction, including without limitation the rights
8 | # to use, copy, modify, merge, publish, distribute, sublicense, and/or sell
9 | # copies of the Software, and to permit persons to whom the Software is
10 | # furnished to do so, subject to the following conditions:
11 | #
12 | # The above copyright notice and this permission notice shall be included in all
13 | # copies or substantial portions of the Software.
14 | #
15 | # THE SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED "AS IS", WITHOUT WARRANTY OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR
16 | # IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO THE WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY,
17 | # FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE AND NONINFRINGEMENT. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE
18 | # AUTHORS OR COPYRIGHT HOLDERS BE LIABLE FOR ANY CLAIM, DAMAGES OR OTHER
19 | # LIABILITY, WHETHER IN AN ACTION OF CONTRACT, TORT OR OTHERWISE, ARISING FROM,
20 | # OUT OF OR IN CONNECTION WITH THE SOFTWARE OR THE USE OR OTHER DEALINGS IN THE
21 | # SOFTWARE.
22 |
23 | import youtube_dl
24 | import os.path
25 |
26 | PLAYLIST_URL = 'https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLiZxWe0ejyv8CSMylrxb6Nx4Ii2RHbu_j'
27 |
28 | DATA_DIR = "data/"
29 | opts = {
30 |
31 | # Don't download video
32 | 'skip_download': True,
33 | 'downloadarchive': os.path.join(DATA_DIR, "archive"),
34 |
35 | # Subtitle Options
36 | 'writesubtitles': True,
37 | 'subtitlelangs': 'en',
38 | 'subtitleformat': 'vtt',
39 |
40 | # File Options
41 | 'restrictfilenames': True,
42 | 'nooverwrites': True,
43 | 'outtmpl': os.path.join(DATA_DIR, "captions", "%(playlist_index)s.%(ext)s"),
44 |
45 | # Misc. Options
46 | 'playlistrandom': False,
47 | 'ignoreerrors': True,
48 | 'quiet': True,
49 | 'forcefilename': True,
50 | }
51 |
52 |
53 | def main():
54 | with youtube_dl.YoutubeDL(opts) as ydl:
55 | ydl.download([PLAYLIST_URL])
56 |
57 |
58 | if __name__ == '__main__':
59 | main()
60 |
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
/requirements.txt:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1 | Unidecode==1.1.1
2 | youtube-dl==2019.11.5
3 | webvtt-py==0.4.2
4 | docopt==0.6.2
5 | transformers==2.5.1
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
/samples/Samples.txt:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1 | SAMPLE 0: <|endoftext|>START: THIS IS A BIG DAY FOR THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES. TRUMP IS ABOUT TO BE RELEASED FROM IMPALA. (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) AND THIS IS HUGE NEWS BECAUSE THIS IS A BIG WEEK FOR HIM BECAUSE THE COURT HAS DECIDED THAT HE CAN NO LONGER USE THE N-Word, BECAUSE, IN A LETTER TO HIS STAFF, THE PRESIDENT SAID, "IF I DIDN'T USE THE N-Word, THEN WHY ARE ALL THE OTHER WHITE HOUSE STAFF MEMBERS CALLING ME A CUCK?!" (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) (PIANO RIFF) AND TRUMP'S NOT THE ONLY PERSON WHO HAS BEEN IN JAIL FOR THE "N-Word." LAST WEEK, AUSTIN TURNS OUT TO BE A FOUNDER OF "N-GOD," WHICH WAS ALSO THE NAME OF A MOVIE. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) AND NOW TRUMP IS GOING TO HAVE A NEW "N-GOD." (LAUGHTER) AND, OF COURSE, THE "N-GOD" IS A F
2 |
3 | SAMPLE 1: <|endoftext|>START: TODAY, THE PRESIDENT TOLD US HE'S NOT RUNNING AGAINST DONALD TRUMP, BUT THAT'S NOT TRUE. HE'S RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT. ( LAUGHTER ) AND THIS MORNING, HE ANNOUNCED THAT HE'S GOING TO RUN FOR PRESIDENT IN 2020, WHICH MAKES SENSE. HE'LL BE A FAN OF THE SHOW, RIGHT? HE'LL BE A FAN OF THE SHOW. ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) YOU KNOW, HE DOESN'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING. HE'S GOT A LOT OF SUPPORT, A LOT OF PEOPLE WANT HIM TO RUN. HE'LL BE THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN DO IT. AND IF HE CAN'T DO IT, THEN HE'LL RUN AGAIN IN 2028, AND WE'LL BE BACK WITH A NEW GUY. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.<|endoftext|>
4 |
5 | SAMPLE 2: <|endoftext|>START: ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. BUT FIRST, I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT. WELL, WE'RE JUST A WEEK AWAY FROM THE ELECTION. I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S GOING TO BE A RALLY, A RALLY. IT'S GOING TO BE AN ELECTION. BUT IT'S GOING TO BE VERY HARD WORK FOR THE PRESIDENT. AND HE'S BEEN WORKING VERY HARD. AND I MEAN, REALLY HARD. AND I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S JUST HIM. I'LL TELL YOU TOMORROW, BUT IT IS HARD WORK FOR THE PRESIDENT TO RUN A BUSINESS THAT DOESN'T HAVE A LOT OF FRIENDS. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND I MEAN, THIS IS HIS FIRST TIME EVER RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT. AND HE'S BEEN A BUSINESSMAN ALL HIS LIFE. AND I MEAN, I'VE SEEN HIM BE A BUSINESSMAN ALL MY LIFE. I'M NOT SAYING HE'S A GOOD ONE. I'M SAYING THAT
6 |
7 | SAMPLE 3: <|endoftext|>START: (LAUGHTER.) (APPLAUSE). STAY HUMAN. STAY HUMAN.<|endoftext|>
8 |
9 | SAMPLE 4: <|endoftext|>START: JON BATISTE AND KEVIN SMITH ARE BACK. WE'RE BACK WITH MORE OF THE BEST OF THE WEEK. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND THIS WEEKEND WE GOT A BIG ANNOUNCEMENT FROM THE PRESIDENT. HE HAS CHANGED THE NAME OF THE F.B.I. DIRECTOR, BRIAN WATSON, FROM "THE MUELLER REPORT" TO, YOU KNOW, "THE WITCH HUNTERS TONIGHT." ( LAUGHTER ) AND IT'S A BIG DEAL. THE F.B.I. WAS DESTROYED BY TRUMP. ( LAUGHTER ) WATSON WAS THE ONLY DIRECTOR TO NOT CALL FOR AN INVESTIGATION OF TRUMP AND HIS CAMPAIGNS. WATSON WAS THE ONLY PERSON TO CALL THE PRESIDENT A "LOL." AND IT'S A BIG DEAL. THE F.B.I. WAS DESTROYED BY TRUMP. AND TRUMP IS GOING TO USE THE NAME "MUELLER" FOR THE NEW DIRECTOR. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT'S A GREAT NAME, I'M SORRY, IT'S A
10 |
11 | SAMPLE 5: <|endoftext|>START: (APPLAUSE) (APPLAUSE) THAT'S GOOD TO KNOW. (LAUGHTER) THAT IS GOOD TO KNOW THAT YOU'RE HERE. YOU ARE HERE TO SEE A SHOW. IT'S CALLED THE "LATE SHOW" AND WE'RE CALLING IT "LATE SHOW." (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) WELL, I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT AND I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. I WANT TO THANK EVERYBODY AT CBS FOR BEING HERE. CBS WAS THE FIRST ONE TO LET US HAVE THE SHOW. CBS WAS THE FIRST ONE TO LET US HAVE THE SHOW. CBS WAS THE ONLY ONE THAT LET US HAVE A SHOW. I WANT TO SAY TO EVERYBODY ON CBS THAT WE ARE HERE TO HAVE A SHOW, BUT WE ARE ALSO HERE TO HAVE A GREAT TIME. WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A GREAT TIME. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A GREAT TIME. WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A GREAT TIME. (AS TRUMP) WE'LL BE WATCHING VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY HARD.
12 |
13 | SAMPLE 6: <|endoftext|>START: NOW, I KNOW YOU'RE ALL PREPARED FOR A BIG WEEKEND, BUT THIS WEEKEND IS THE BIGGEST OF ALL. AND IT'S GOING TO HAVE A LOT OF ACTION. SO I WANT TO GIVE YOU SOME OF MY FAVORITE ACTION STORIES THIS WEEKEND. SO I DON'T HAVE TO TELL YOU WHAT TO DO, JUST LISTEN TO THE STORIES. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SO HERE THEY ARE. ( LAUGHTER ) AND HERE THEY ARE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND HERE THEY ARE, THE BIGGEST OF ALL, AND I DON'T KNOW WHY, BUT THEY ALWAYS GET THE BIGGEST ROARING AT THE MOVIE COMPANY. ( CHEERING ) SO I'M GOING TO GO OUT ON A BIG ONE THIS WEEKEND. SO, YOU KNOW WHO'S GOING TO BE THE NEW SPECTACULAR SPIDER-MAN THIS WEEKEND? I'M GOING TO GO BY THE NAME SPIDER-MAN. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SO I WILL BE INSPIRED BY THIS NEW SPECTACULAR SPIDER-MAN, BY THE WAY
14 |
15 | SAMPLE 7: <|endoftext|>START: I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT WHEN I START WORKING WITH A GROUP OF INTERESTED PEOPLE, I ALWAYS HAVE TO CHECK IF THEY'RE ALL ON THE SAME PAGE. I DON'T WANT THEM ALL ON THE SAME PAGE. I DON'T WANT THEM TO BE ON THE SAME PAGE. (LAUGHTER) AND I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW, IT'S NOT THAT IMPORTANT, BUT IT'S A THING THAT YOU HAVE TO CHECK. AND IT'S HARDER TO CHECK IF ALL THE PEOPLE ARE ON THE SAME PAGE. I'VE SEEN IT COME UP IN THIS WEEKEND, WITH PEOPLE TALKING ABOUT IT ON FACEBOOK. AND IT'S REALLY IMPORTANT. BECAUSE IF YOU DON'T CHECK, YOU CAN'T BE SURE THAT ANYONE IS LISTENING TO YOU. AND I DON'T WANT TO BE THE ONE TO SAY "YOU'VE GOT TO CHECK." I'LL BE THE ONE TO SAY, "YOU'VE GOT TO CHECK." (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) AND THIS WEEKEND, IT HAPPENED. A GROUP
16 |
17 | SAMPLE 8: <|endoftext|>START: YOU GOT A QUESTION? (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) I'M TALKING ABOUT TRUMP'S ATTACKS ON MOSCOW. I WAS JUST TALKING TO A MAN WHO WORKED WITH TRUMP AT THE G-20 SUMMIT. AND HE SAID THIS: TRUMP TOLD US, "I HAVE THE MOST POWER IN THE WORLD." AND HE MEANS IT. I HAVE POWER IN THE WORLD. I'M THE ONLY ONE IN THE WORLD THAT CAN TAKE IT. I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN TAKE THE COLLUSION BETWEEN THE COLLUSION OF OUR NATIONS. AND THAT COLLUSION, THAT COLLUSION BETWEEN OUR COLLUSTRATIONS, BETWEEN OUR COLLUSIONS BETWEEN OUR NATIONS, IS WHAT MAKES OUR COUNTRY GREAT. IT'S WHY WE CALL IT 'THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.' " (LAUGHTER) "I'M THE ONLY ONE IN THE WORLD THAT'S GOING TO TAKE IT. YOU KNOW, I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO'S GOING TO MAKE THIS COUNTRY GREAT. AND I'M GOING TO MAKE
18 |
19 | SAMPLE 9: <|endoftext|>START: WHAT DO YOU GUYS WANT TO SEE NEXT? ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WELL, WELL, I'VE GOT A LOT OF THINGS I WANT TO SEE NEXT, BUT WELL, FIRST OF ALL, THE THIRD PART OF MY THIRD CHILD, THE BIG BANG THEORY. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'VE GOT A LOT OF NEWS OUT THIS WEEK. I'VE GOT A LOT OF NEWS OUT THIS WEEK. I'VE GOT A LOT OF NEWS. BUT I WANT TO START OFF THE WEEK OFF WITH THE BIGGEST NEWS OF THE WEEK, WHICH IS THE DEATH OF THE RUSSIA-RELATED RUSSIA TWEET. ( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF ) ( PIANO RIFF ) IT'S A RUSSIAN TWEET. IT SAYS, "THE RUSSIAN EMPIRE IS ENDING. WE WILL ALL BE DEAD BY THE END OF THE MONTH. WE WILL BE DEAD BY MIDNIGHT." THAT'S IT. THAT'S ALL IT SAYS, "THE RUSSIAN EMPIRE IS ENDING. ALL WILL BE DEAD BY THE END OF THE
20 |
21 | SAMPLE 10: <|endoftext|>START: WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW." I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT IS FRIDAY, IT IS FRIDAY. IT IS FRIDAY. IT IS FRIDAY. ( PIANO RIFF ) IT IS FRIDAY. IT IS FRIDAY. IT IS FRIDAY FRIDAY. IT IS FRIDAY. IT IS FRIDAY. IT IS FRIDAY. IT IS FRIDAY FRIDAY FRIDAY FRIDAY FRIDAY FRIDAY FRIDAY FRIDAY FRIDAY FRIDAY FRIDAY FRIDAY.<|endoftext|>
22 |
23 | SAMPLE 11: <|endoftext|>START: I'M STEPHEN COLBERT. WELL, IT'S FRIDAY, AND IT'S FRIDAY, AND IT'S FRIDAY, AND IT'S FRIDAY, AND IT'S FRIDAY, AND IT'S FRIDAY. AND WE'RE BACK FROM THE SLEEP. WE'RE BACK FROM THE SLEEP. WE'RE BACK FROM THE SLEEP. WE'RE BACK FROM THE SLEEP, BECAUSE THIS MORNING, THE HOUSE HELD A VOTING ON A NEW BILL THAT WOULD TAKE A HUGE CREDIT OUT OF OUR PENIS. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) IT'S THE SEXUAL ASSAULT PREVENTION PREVENTION Act. IT'S THE SEXUAL ASSAULT PREVENTION ACT. (APPLAUSE) NOW, I KNOW YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO VOTE ON SEXUAL ASSAULT PREVENTIONS, BUT YOU CAN VOTE ON OTHER BILLS, LIKE THE BIRTH CONTROL ACT. IT SAYS, "A woman's right to choose, including her right not to become a victim or
24 |
25 | SAMPLE 12: <|endoftext|>START: WHAT'S GOING ON WITH THE PRESIDENT'S TAX RETURNS? (LAUGHTER) I'M NOT SURE. I'M NOT SURE. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. (APPLAUSE) TRUMP'S TAX RETURNS ARE STILL HADN'T BEEN ANNOUNCED. I'LL HAVE TO SEE IT. I'VE GOT A LONG, LONG, LONG, LONG, LONG, LONG, LONG TIME TO SEE IT.<|endoftext|>
26 |
27 | SAMPLE 13: <|endoftext|>START: (AS THE GUEST) (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE). THAT WAS GOOD. THAT WAS GOOD. THAT WAS GOOD.<|endoftext|>
28 |
29 | SAMPLE 14: <|endoftext|>START: JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN ALL WEEK LONG. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) ♪ EVERYONE WATCH "THE BACHELORETTE?" IT IS A REALITY. AND I'M SO EXCITED FOR THE SHOW'S NEW EPISODE, "THE LAST WORD." (LAUGHTER) I'M SO EXCITED. I HAVE NO IDEA HOW I'M GOING TO DO IT. I DON'T KNOW. IT'S JUST GOING TO BE A HARD ONE. BUT I'M GOING TO GO TO A DANCE RING. AND I'M GOING TO DO IT IN THE DARK. SO I'M GOING TO HAVE TO DO IT IN A DARK ROOM. BUT I'M GOING TO HAVE TO DO IT IN A DARK ROOM, BECAUSE I'M GOING TO HAVE TO DO IT IN ANOTHER ROOM. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) I'M SO EXCITED FOR THIS SHOW, I'M GOING TO GO TO A DANCE RING, AND
30 |
31 | SAMPLE 15: <|endoftext|>START: ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WELL, WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. BUT WHEN I RETURN TO THE SHOW, I WANT TO COME OUT AND SAY THIS. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A LOT OF ANGRY PEOPLE AT THE END OF THIS. ( LAUGHTER ) BUT I WILL SAY THIS. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I WILL BE HAPPY TO SEE ALL OF YOU. I WILL BE HAPPY TO SEE ALL OF YOU.<|endoftext|>
32 |
33 | SAMPLE 16: <|endoftext|>START: ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YEAH. I'M A BIG FAN OF YOU TONIGHT'S SHOW, "THE LATE SHOW." AND I KNOW YOU'RE ALL BEING HUNGRY, BUT I'M HAPPY TO REPORT THAT THE "LATE SHOW" HAS BEEN HOSTED BY THE REALITY TV STAR AND "HOST OF THE SHOW" FORMERLY CALLED "THE LADY." ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) SHE'S BEEN HOSTING A NEW SHOW, "THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT." ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SHE'S BEEN A LADY. SHE JUST GOT FIRED FOR A THIRD TIME. ( AUDIENCE REACTS ) SHE'S JUST BEEN FIRED FOR A SECOND TIME. SHE JUST GETS FIRED FOR A SECOND TIME FOR A LITTLE THING. ( LAUGHTER ) SHE JUST GOT FIRED FOR NOT SPEAKING THE NATIONAL ANGRY HOST'S WAY. ( AUDIENCE REACTS ) SHE'S JUST BEEN FIRED FOR NOT SPE
34 |
35 | SAMPLE 17: <|endoftext|>START: THE PRESIDENT IS HERE. HE HAS A LOT TO SAY. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN TONIGHT'S "DON AND THE GIANT IMPEACH." ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT'S FRIDAY. IT'S FRIDAY. IT'S FRIDAY.<|endoftext|>
36 |
37 | SAMPLE 18: <|endoftext|>START: I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT'S FRIDAY. IT'S FRIDAY. IT'S FRIDAY. IT'S FRIDAY, EVERYBODY. IT'S FRIDAY. IT'S FRIDAY. IT'S FRIDAY. IT'S FRIDAY. IT'S FRIDAY. IT'S FRIDAY, EVERYBODY. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT'S FRIDAY.<|endoftext|>
38 |
39 | SAMPLE 19: <|endoftext|>START: I JUST WANT TO SAY TO EVERYBODY OUT THERE IN THE WORLD, I'M A FAN. I'M A HUGE FAN OF THE NEW STAR WARS. I LOVE IT. I LOVE THE MOVIES. I LOVE THE SCENES. AND THIS WEEKEND, THE OFFICIAL ENDING OF THE STAR WARS MOVIE IS COMING. I'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.<|endoftext|>
40 |
41 | SAMPLE 20: <|endoftext|>START: THIS IS THE BIGGEST STORY OF THE DAY. TRUMP HAS BEEN UNDER FIRE FOR HIS USE OF THE F-word. AND I'LL TELL YOU RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW, IN THE PICTURE, WHICH YOU CAN SEE IN THE VIDEO, BECAUSE THE PRESIDENT IS ABOUT TO SIGN AN EXTRAORDINARY LAW. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND IT'S CALLED "DONALD JOHNSON TRAVEL TRAVEL SAFETY ACT," AND IT'S GOING TO ALLOW TRAVELERS TO USE THE N-Word IN ANY WAY THEY WANT. AND THIS IS A HUGE DEAL FOR TRUMP, BECAUSE HE HAS SEEN THE N-WORD AS A TERM OF ENDING A LOT OF THINGS. FOR ONE, IT'S A TERM OF "NO, THANKS." "NO THANKS." ( LAUGHTER ) "YOU'RE FIRED, YOU'RE FIRED." ( LAUGHTER ) "YOU'RE FIRED, YOU'RE FIRED." "NO THANKS." ( LAUGHTER ) "YOU'RE FIRED." ( APPLAUSE ) AND THIS IS A HUGE DEAL FOR TRUMP,
42 |
43 | SAMPLE 21: <|endoftext|>START: I WOULD LIKE TO THANK EVERYBODY HERE AT THE SHOW FOR BEING HERE THIS WEEKEND! I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT IS FRIDAY, IT IS FRIDAY, IT IS FRIDAY! ( LAUGHTER ) IT IS FRIDAY! IT IS FRIDAY! IT IS FRIDAY! IT IS FRIDAY! IT IS FRIDAY. IT IS FRIDAY! IT IS FRIDAY! IT IS FRIDAY! IT IS FRIDAY! IT IS FRIDAY. IT IS FRIDAY. IT IS FRIDAY. IT IS FRIDAY! IT IS FRIDAY. IT IS FRIDAY! IT IS FRIDAY! IT IS FRIDAY! IT IS FRIDAY! IT IS FRIDAY! IT IS FRIDAY! IT IS FRIDAY! IT IS FRIDAY! IT IS FRIDAY! IT IS FRIDAY! IT IS FRIDAY! IT IS FRIDAY! IT IS FRIDAY! IT IS FRIDAY! IT IS FRIDAY!<|endoftext|>
44 |
45 | SAMPLE 22: <|endoftext|>START: GOOD MORNING, EVERYBODY. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. (APPLAUSE). WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. BUT FIRST, THE PRESIDENT'S ADVISER, DONALD TRUMP, JUST TWEETED THAT THE "DISAPPOINTMENT OF THE PRESS IS SO GREAT THAT I HAVE NO OPTIONS BUT TO STOP ALL PUBLICATIONS OF MY HIGHER LEADERSHIP IN THE NEWS AND ONLY PUBLICLY ANNOUNCE THEM IN MY OWN OPINION. (APPLAUSE). THAT'S GREAT. THAT'S GREAT. BUT THE PRESS HAS BEEN SO BAD, I HAVE TO STOP ALL PRESSURE-QUANTUM NEWS. (APPLAUSE) YOU KNOW, I THOUGHT THE PRESS WAS THE ONLY GROUP WITH WHATEVER IT WANTED. I THOUGHT THEY WERE JUST LIKE ME. I THOUGHT THEY WERE JUST LIKE ME. BUT THEY'VE STILL GOT NOTHING. (LAUGHTER) THEY'VE GOT NOTHING, BECAUSE THEY'RE STILL IN THE MIRROR OF THE PRESS. (APPLAUSE) THEY
46 |
47 | SAMPLE 23: <|endoftext|>START: (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) THANK YOU VERY MUCH, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. WE ARE SO HAPPY. THANK YOU. THANK YOU.<|endoftext|>
48 |
49 | SAMPLE 24: <|endoftext|>START: YOU'RE HERE BECAUSE WE HAVE THE LATEST NEWS OF THE WEEK. WE'RE READING ABOUT THE DEATH OF JAMES ALLEN. HE'S DEATH-STROKE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'LL NEVER KNOW. ( PIANO RIFF ) AND WE'RE READING ABOUT THE DEATH OF JONATHAN "SPINACH" THOMPSON. WE'RE READING ABOUT THE DEATH OF AUSTIN "AUSTIN" THOMPSON. WE'RE READING ABOUT THE DEATH OF MICHAEL "MICHEL" BLOOMBERG. WE'RE READING ABOUT ALL OF IT, BECAUSE TODAY THE PRESIDENT ANNOUNCED HE IS DEATH-STROKE. ( LAUGHTER ) WE'LL NEVER KNOW. WE'VE GOT TO BE HOLDING OUT FOR THE NEWS OF HIS DEATH. ( LAUGHTER ) WE'VE GOT SOME GREAT STORIES. I WILL TELL YOU ABOUT THEM IN TONIGHT'S SHOW. BUT FIRST, I WANT TO TELL YOU ABOUT THE NEW BOOK, "THE GREAT DEATH OF JAMES ALLEN." ( LAUGH
50 |
51 | SAMPLE 25: <|endoftext|>START: I HAVE A QUESTION. YOU'RE A BIG GENTLEMAN IN THE LATE SHOW. BUT WHEN YOU STARTED OUT, WASN'T THERE A BIG DISAPPOINTMENT FROM THE PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN? DID YOU SEE IT GOING WRONG? DID YOU SEE ANYTHING GOING WRONG WITH HIM? DID HE MAKE A MISTAKE? ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WELL, YOU KNOW, I THINK THE PRESIDENT HAS GOT A LOT OF WORK TO DO. HE'LL HAVE TO GET HIS HANDS OFF THE GRIP OF HIS ECONOMY AND GET HIS HANDS OFF HIS ECONOMY AND GET HIS HANDS OFF THE FINGER OF HIS PHYSICIAN. AND I THINK THAT'S WHAT HE DID. ( LAUGHTER ) AND I THINK HE'LL HAVE SOME GOOD NEWS TO GATHER BY THE TIME HE RETURNS TO NORTH CAROLINA. ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )<|endoftext|>
52 |
53 | SAMPLE 26: <|endoftext|>START: THE NEW YEAR IS HERE! AND IT'S A BIG ONE, WITH A LOT OF HAPPY BIRTHDAYS. BUT SOME PEOPLE ARE STILL HOLDING ON TO A FEW LUCKY THINGS. FOR INSTANCE, THIS GUY. THIS GUY HAS A BIG, BILLION DOLLAR HAND. (LAUGHTER) THAT'S RIGHT. A MILLION DOLLARS. (LAUGHTER) AND IT'S BEEN HANDED TO HIM BY A FOUNDER OF A GOOGLE-POWERED COMPUTER, WHO'S ALSO THE AUTHOR OF THIS BOOK, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JON BATISTE ANDERSON!" (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) IT'S A GOOD BOOK!<|endoftext|>
54 |
55 | SAMPLE 27: <|endoftext|>START: ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH! THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THANK YOU VERY MUCH! THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THANK YOU VERY MUCH! THANK YOU VERY MUCH! THANK YOU VERY MUCH!<|endoftext|>
56 |
57 | SAMPLE 28: <|endoftext|>START: WE'RE BACK! (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) WE'RE BACK! (LAUGHTER) WE'RE BACK! WE'RE BACK! WE'RE BACK! WE'RE BACK! WE'RE BACK! WE'RE BACK! WE'RE BACK! WE'RE BACK! WE'RE BACK! WE'RE BACK. WE'RE BACK. WE'RE BACK! WE DID IT! WE DID IT. WE DID IT. WE DID IT. WE DID IT. WE DID IT. WE DID IT. WE DID IT. WE DID IT! WE DID IT. WE DID IT. WE DID IT. WE DID IT. WE DID IT. WE DID IT. WE DID IT. WE DID IT. WE DID IT. WE DID IT. WE DID IT. WE DID IT. WE DID IT. WE DID IT! WE DID IT. WE DID IT! WE DID IT. WE DID IT. WE DID IT. WE DID IT. WE DID IT. WE DID IT. WE DID IT. WE DID IT! WE DID IT! WE DID IT. WE DID IT. WE DID IT! WE DID IT. WE DID IT. WE DID IT! WE DID IT! WE
58 |
59 | SAMPLE 29: <|endoftext|>START: A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE CALLING TRUMP'S ATTORNEY AND MAN IN CHARGE, MICHAEL Cohen, A "LARGER MUELLER." ( LAUGHTER ) AND I THINK IT'S TIME FOR A NEW NAME. "LARGEST MUELLER." ( LAUGHTER ) AND TRUMP HAS BEEN CALLING MICHAEL COHEN A LITTLE LOWER. ( LAUGHTER ) I'VE SEEN THAT COMMENTS BEFORE. I'M CALLING FOR A "LARGER MUELLER."<|endoftext|>
60 |
61 | SAMPLE 30: <|endoftext|>START: THIS WEEKEND, THE PRESIDENT WILL BE VISITING THE CHICAGO BUILDING, WHERE THE WASHINGTON POST'S JEFF SOBROTT IS WORKING ON A BOOK ABOUT THE RISE OF THE BLACK PANTHER. ( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF ) IT'S A GREAT BOOK. IT'S ABOUT A BUNCH OF BAD GUYS WHO WERE BAD GUYS, AND IT'S ABOUT HOW THEY GOT TO THAT BADNESS. ( LAUGHTER ) AND THE PRESIDENT WILL BE VISITED BY THE POST'S JEFF SOBROTT. AND THIS WEEKEND, THE POST'S PUBLICIS WILL BE WORKING WITH THE WHITE HOUSE TO RELEASE A NEW COLUMN ON THE RISE OF THE BLACK PANTHER. SO, THIS WEEKEND, THE PRESIDENT WILL BE VISITING A NEW CITY, AND THE POST'S PUBLICIS WILL BE WORKING WITH THE WHITE HOUSE TO RELEASE A NEW COLUMN ON THE RISE OF THE BLACK PANTHER. SO, THIS WEEKEND, THE PRESIDENT WILL BE VISITING A NEW CITY, AND THE POST'S PUBLICIS WILL BE WORKING WITH THE WHITE HOUSE TO RELEASE A NEW COLUMN ON THE
62 |
63 | SAMPLE 31: <|endoftext|>START: WHAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT? (LAUGHTER) I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I JUST-- I'VE BEEN TALKING TO A LOT OF FRIENDS AND FAMILY, AND I JUST-- I JUST-- I'M NOT SURE IF I'M SURE I'M SITTING DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON. I'M SORRY. (LAUGHTER) I JUST WANT TO GO HOME, BECAUSE THIS IS-- IT'S-- THIS IS-- IT'S BEEN-- IT'S BEEN A LONG WEEK FOR YOU. IT'S-- IT'S BEEN A LONG WEEK FOR YOU. AND YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO'S BEEN BUSY, BECAUSE LAST NIGHT, THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION ANNOUNCED A $1.5 MILLION INVESTMENT TO "PROVIDE TRAVEL AND COMMUNITY SERVICES FOR THE MILITARY." THAT'S A LOT OF TRAVEL AND COMMUNITY SERVICES. I DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY'RE GOING TO GET OUT OF THAT. (LA
64 |
65 | SAMPLE 32: <|endoftext|>START: THE BIG NEWS OF THE WEEK IS TRUMP'S ADMINISTRATION'S DECISION TO END THE NATIONAL VETERANS AFFAIRS COMPETITION. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) THAT'S GOOD NEWS FOR ALL AMERICANS. (LAUGHTER) NOW, THE VETERANS AFFAIRS COMPETITION WAS STARTED BY THE PRESIDENT, AND IT WAS A WAY FOR HIM TO BRING PEOPLE OUT TO THE VETERANS AFFAIRS DEPARTMENT TO VOTE ON IMPLEMENTING HIS "BUILD THE WALL" PLAN, WHICH I'M PRETTY SURE HE'LL GO FOR. BUT THIS YEAR, IT WAS ENDED. (APPLAUSE) NOW, TRUMP SAYS HE DOESN'T WANT TO END IT, BECAUSE HE DOESN'T WANT TO BE "HUMAN TO VETERANS AFFAIRS." (LAUGHTER) BUT, AS OF RIGHT NOW, THE COMPETITION HASN'T ENDED. IT IS A RESULT OF THE PRESIDENT'S VOTER-FRIENDLY VOTE-AFFORDABLE PLAN
66 |
67 | SAMPLE 33: <|endoftext|>START: TODAY HAS BEEN A VERY HARD DAY FOR THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION. FIRST THE F.B.I. DIRECTOR JAMES COMEY TESTIFIED TO A CONGRESS REPORTS CONFRONTING THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN. HE WAS EXCITED ABOUT WHAT HE SAID. HE SAID, "THE ONLY THING WE'RE CONCERNED ABOUT IS THAT I'M NOT A PRESIDENT." ( LAUGHTER ) AND THEN HE WENT ON TO SAY SOME REALLY BAD THINGS ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE IN THE PRESIDENT'S CLOSE GROUP. FOR INSTANCE, THE ADMINISTRATION IS "NOT A PARTY." ( LAUGHTER ) AND THEN HE WENT ON TO SAY SOMETHING ABOUT HIS OWN FAMILY. "I'M NOT A FAMILY MAN, BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE A FAMILY." ( LAUGHTER ) AND THEN THE PRESIDENT TWEETED, AND I'LL SAY IT, "THE ONLY PARTY THAT I HAVE IS THE PRESIDENT." ( LAUGHTER ) AND THAT'S WHAT HE'S SAYING. THAT IS WHAT HE SAYS. AND THEN HE ENDED WITH, "I'LL BE YOUR GUY
68 |
69 | SAMPLE 34: <|endoftext|>START: NOW, THERE'S SOME NEWS OUT OF NEW YORK CITY THIS WEEK THAT'S BEEN HAD A BIG ROOTIN' THIS WEEKEND. A MAN WAS CHARGED WITH POSSESSION OF A RABBIT'S HAIR, AND THE CHARGES ARE GOING TO BE "RACIST." THE CHARGES HAVE BEEN SET FOR A "FROM EARLIER THIS WEEK." ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THE CHARGES ARE GOING TO BE "FROM EARLIER THIS WEEKEND." IT'S BEEN HOPES THAT THE CHARGES WOULD BE SET FOR THE WEEKEND, BUT THEY HAVE NOW BEEN SET FOR THE NEXT WEEKS, AND IT'S BEEN HOPES AGAIN. THE CHARGES ARE GOING TO BE "FROM EARLIER THIS WEEKEND." IT'S BEEN HOPES THAT THE CHARGES WOULD BE SET FOR THE WEEKEND, BUT THEY HAVE BEEN SET FOR THE NEXT WEEKS, AND IT'S BEEN HOPES AGAIN. THE CHARGES WERE SET FOR THE WEEKEND, AND THEY'VE BEEN SET FOR THE NEXT WEEKS, AND IT'S
70 |
71 | SAMPLE 35: <|endoftext|>START: (APPLAUSE). (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE). WE'RE BACK. WE'RE BACK. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE). WE'RE BACK. WE'RE BACK WITH MORE FROM THE WHITE HOUSE. (LAUGHTER) WE'RE GOING TO BE TALKING ABOUT TRUMP'S TAX RETURNS FOR A LITTLE BIT. BUT FIRST, WE NEED TO GET TO THE LATEST STORY FROM THE WHITE HOUSE. AND THAT STORY, WHICH IS BEAUTIFUL, IN FACT, IS THE ONE WHERE WE LEARNED THAT THE PRESIDENT HAS HIS OWN "MUELLER REPORT." (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE). (LAUGHTER). (APPLAUSE). (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).<|endoftext|>
72 |
73 | SAMPLE 36: <|endoftext|>START: YOU'RE LOOKING FORWARD TO A NEW YEAR, RIGHT? ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ). WELL, I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO A NEW YEAR, AND THAT'S WHAT THIS WEEKEND MEANS BECAUSE IT'S BEEN A WHILE, AND IT'S BEEN A WHILE, BUT IT'S FINALLY COMING. ( LAUGHTER ) AND I'M SO EXCITED TO BE SAYING THAT. I'M SO EXCITED TO BE SAYING THAT, BECAUSE IT MEANS THAT THIS YEAR WE CAN FINALLY SAY THAT THE "WONDERFUL THINGS" THAT ARE HAPPENING IN OUR WORLD ARE REAL AND THAT WE'VE HAD OUR YEARS OF HONORING. AND I'M SO EXCITED FOR THAT, BECAUSE THIS YEAR WE HAVE TWO NEW "STAR TREK" GUEST STARS IN CHARLIE BRANSON AND RICK REMENDER. I'M SO EXCITED FOR THAT, BECAUSE I'LL NEVER BE THE SAME PERSON WITHOUT THEM. AND I'M SO EXCITED TO BE SAYING THAT, AND I'M SO EX
74 |
75 | SAMPLE 37: <|endoftext|>START: THE WITCH HUNTS CONTINUE. WE'VE LEARNED THAT THE PRESIDENT'S ADMINISTRATION IS HILLARY CLINTON, AND THAT SHE'S BEING HIRED TO "SOCIAL MEDIA" TO "REACH OUT TO THE POPULAR PEOPLE." ( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S GOOD, BUT IT'S NOT THE SAME THING AS THE PRESIDENT SAYING, "WE HAVE TO GET TO THE PEOPLE." IT'S "HEY, YOU GUYS, DID I JUST SAY THAT OUTSIDE? DID I SAY THAT OUTSIDE?" ( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF ) THAT'S A GREAT PIANO RIFF, BY THE WAY.<|endoftext|>
76 |
77 | SAMPLE 38: <|endoftext|>START: WELL, WELL, WELL, I THINK IT'S TIME TO GET SOME GOOD NEWS FROM OUR SISTER, KATY PERRY. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SHE'S IN A GOOD MOOD. SHE'S IN A GOOD MOOD. SHE'S BEING TALKED ABOUT IN THE NEWS EVERY DAY FOR THE LAST WEEK. THE ONLY THING THAT'S GOTTEN WORSE IS THAT KATY PERRY IS WHITE. AND SHE IS NOT THE ONLY WHITE PERSON IN THE NEWS RIGHT NOW. I MEAN, JUST LAST WEEK, WHITE PEOPLE WEREN'T THE ONLY PEOPLE TO BE HIDDEN IN THE STORM OF THE MORNING AFTER PRESIDENT TRUMP FIRED THE HEAD OF THE F.B.I. JUST TWO DAYS AGO, WHITE PEOPLE WERE THE ONLY PEOPLE NOT TO HAVE BEEN CHARGED WITH A VIOLATION OF THE N.S.A. TRAGEDY. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YEAH. YEAH. YEAH. YEAH. AND NOW, KATY PERRY HAS BEEN HIDING HER FACE FOR A WHILE
78 |
79 | SAMPLE 39: <|endoftext|>START: THE RUSSIA INVESTIGATION IS NOW OPEN. TRUMP HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH IT. HE HAS NO INTEREST IN INVESTIGATING THE RUSSIANS. HE'S A FAN OF THE RUSSIANS. HE'S A FAN OF RUSSIANS. HE'S A FAN OF RUSSIANS. HE'S A FAN OF RUSSIANS. (APPLAUSE). HE'S A FAN OF RUSSIANS. HE'S A FAN OF RUSSIANS. HE'S A FAN OF RUSSIANS. HE'S A FAN OF RUSSIANS, AND HE'S A FAN OF RUSSIANS, AND I'LL SAY IT RIGHT HERE, I'LL SAY IT RIGHT HERE. HE'S A FAN OF RUSSIANS. HE'S A FAN OF RUSSIANS. HE'S A FAN OF RUSSIANS. HE'S A FAN OF RUSSIANS. HE'S A FAN OF RUSSIANS. HE'S A FAN OF RUSSIANS, AND I SAY
80 |
81 | SAMPLE 40: <|endoftext|>START: I'M STEPHEN COLBERT. IT IS A GREAT DAY FOR THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. IT'S THE 50th ANNIVERSARY OF D-DAY. (APPLAUSE) WE HAVE HAD A GREAT WEEKEND. WE HAVE HOSTED PRESIDENT TRUMP ON TWITTER LIVE. WE HAVE HAD THE FIRST OFFICIAL APPEARANCE OF THE PRESIDENT'S SPECTACULAR ADVISER, DON JR. AND, OF COURSE, WE HAVE HAD THE FIRST OFFICIAL REPUBLICAN COMMENTS ON THE TRUMP-PENCE ADMINISTRATION. AND, AS YOU KNOW, THE COMMENT THAT MAKES THE MOST SENSE IS THIS ONE: TRUMP'S ADMINISTRATION IS A PUNISHMENT. (APPLAUSE) WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. BUT BEFORE WE GO, WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT THE NEW BOOK, "THE BIG SHORT." IT'S COMING SOON, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. (LAUGHTER) IT'S COMING SOON.<|endoftext|>
82 |
83 | SAMPLE 41: <|endoftext|>START: WHAT'S GOING ON? ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'RE JUST LEARNING THAT DONALD TRUMP'S HEAD OF PUBLIC ACCOUNTS, KELLY McCLATCHY, WASN'T THE ONLY PERSON TRUMP'S ACCOUNTERS MADE SEXUAL MISTAKES WITH. WE'VE ALSO LEARNED THAT DONALD TRUMP'S PHONE NUMBER WAS ALSO A MESS. ( LAUGHTER ) AND DONALD TRUMP'S PHONE NUMBER WAS ALSO A MESS WITH HIS PHONE CALLING WOMEN AS "PEE-PEE" AND "PEE-PEE." ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF ) ( PIANO RIFF ) AND DONALD TRUMP'S PHONE NUMBER WAS ALSO A MESS WITH HIS PHONE CALLING WOMEN AS "PEE-PEE." ( PIANO RIFF ) ( APPLAUSE )<|endoftext|>
84 |
85 | SAMPLE 42: <|endoftext|>START: THIS MATCHUP IS A LITTLE LATE, BUT IT'S GOING TO BE A BIG ONE. I'M NOT SURE IF THIS IS A REAL GAME GOING ON, BUT I THINK WE'LL BE GETTING SOME GOOD NEWS ABOUT THE NEW JERSEY STATE PARKS IN THE NEXT DAY OR TWO. I'M NOT SURE IF THIS IS A REAL GAME GOING ON, BUT I'VE BEEN LEARNING SO MUCH ABOUT THE NEW STATE PARKS IN NEW JERSEY THAT IT'S GONE CRAZY. I'M LEARNING SO MUCH ABOUT THE NEW STATE PARKS, IN FACT, THAT I'M GOING ON A STATE OF THE ART EXPERIMENT TO SEE IF I'D BE ABLE TO VISIT THEM ALL. ( LAUGHTER ) I'VE GOT A GREAT IDEA FOR THE STATE OF NEW JERSEY. I'M GOING TO GO TO THE STATE CAPITOL AND I'LL BE VISITING THE WOODWORKS, AND THE STATE OF NEW JERSEY STATE PARKS ARE THE ONLY PLACE IN AMERICA WHERE YOU CAN VISIT A WOODWORKS FOR FREE. ( CHE
86 |
87 | SAMPLE 43: <|endoftext|>START: WHAT ARE WE WATCHING? I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. (LAUGHTER) I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I'M NOT WATCHING THE BIG BANG THEORY. I'M WATCHING THE BIG BANG THEORY. (APPLAUSE) I DON'T WATCH THE BIG BANG THEORY. I'M WATCHING THE BIG BANG THEORY. (LAUGHTER) IT'S GOOD. IT'S GOOD. I'M WATCHING THE BIG BANG THEORY. I'M WATCHING THE BIG BANG THEORY. IT IS GOOD. IT'S GOOD. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )<|endoftext|>
88 |
89 | SAMPLE 44: <|endoftext|>START: WHAT'S GOING ON? (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) YOU GUYS ARE ALL SO EXCITED ABOUT THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION'S NEW POLICIES ON HILLARY CLINTON. IT'S GOING TO BE A BIG SHOWDOWN BETWEEN THE TWO. (LAUGHTER) AND IT'S GOING TO BE HARD. TRUMP IS GOING TO HAVE TO SHOW THAT HE'S A REALIST, AND NOT A PRIMATE, WHICH HE'S BEEN SAYING ALL HIS LIFE. AND CLINTON'S PLAN IS TO SHOW THAT SHE'S NOT A PRIMATE, AND ALSO TO SHOW THAT SHE'S NOT A HAVING TO PAY FOR EVERY BAD THING SHE DID. SO SHE'LL SHOW OFF ALL OF THESE BAD THINGS. SHE'LL SHOW OFF HER BAD HANDS, AND ALL OF HER BAD LANGUAGES. AND TRUMP'S PLAN, WE'LL TELL YOU IN TONIGHT'S "DON AND THE GIANT IMPEACH." (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.<|endoftext|>
90 |
91 | SAMPLE 45: <|endoftext|>START: ( APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERS ) STAY HUMAN, EVERYBODY.<|endoftext|>
92 |
93 | SAMPLE 46: <|endoftext|>START: GOOD MORNING, EVERYBODY. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) WE'RE BACK. WE'RE BACK FROM A WEEKEND WHERE WE WERE TALKING ABOUT THE TRUMP WHITE HOUSE. AND WE'RE BACK, BECAUSE THIS MORNING, THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES PASSED A BILL TO REFUSE TO CONGRESS'S PLAN TO IMPLEMENT A BORDER WALL ON THE SOUTH BORDER. AND IT'S GOING TO BE REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, DAMN IMPORTANT. THE WALL IS A FURTHER STEP FOR THE WHITE HOUSE TO IMAGINE ITSELF AS A REAL ESTATE FOR ITSELF, AND TO IMAGINE THAT ITSELF AS AN OPPORTUNITY FOR THE FOREGOING. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) IT'S LIKE THE THING THAT'S IN YOUR BACKPACKS, THE THING YOU DON'T USE, THE THING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO USE. IT'S LIKE THAT GUY WHO'S ALWAYS TALKING BUT NEVER TALKING: "I THINK I'
94 |
95 | SAMPLE 47: <|endoftext|>START: JON BATISTE AND THE SEAGULLS, I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) WE'RE BACK. WE'RE BACK. WE HAVE BEEN THROUGH A LOT THIS WEEK. WE'VE BEEN ON THE RUN FROM THE CRIMES WE'RE TALKING ABOUT. WE'VE BEEN THROUGH A LOT OF HISTORY THIS WEEK. WE'VE BEEN ON THE RUN FROM THE RUSSIANS. WE'VE BEEN THROWING PEOPLE OUT OF OUR HOUSE. WE'VE BEEN THROWING PEOPLE OUT OF OUR HOME. AND THIS MORNING, WE WERE ON THE RUN FROM THE CRIMES WE'RE TALKING ABOUT. WE'VE BEEN THROWING PEOPLE OUT OF OUR HOUSE, AND WE'RE BEING THROWED OUT OF OUR HOME. WE'VE BEEN THROWN OUT OF OUR HOME, AND NOW WE'VE BEEN THROWED OUT OF OUR FAMILY. WE'VE BEEN THROWN OUT OF OUR HOME, AND NOW WE'VE BEEN THROWED OUT OF OUR FAMILY. WE'VE NEVER BEEN THR
96 |
97 | SAMPLE 48: <|endoftext|>START: WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW." I'M STEPHEN COLBERT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT IS FRIDAY, AND IT'S FRIDAY. IT'S A FRIDAY SHOW. BUT IT IS ALSO A DAY WHERE WE TURN OURSELVES TO THE DARKNESS. AND TODAY IS NO EXCEPTION. THE WHITE HOUSE HAS ANNOUNCED THE DELEGATION TO THE UN-HOSTILED UN-HOSTILED UN-HOSTILED UN-HOSTILED UN-HOSTILED UN-HOSTILED UN-HOSTILED UN-HOSTILED UN-HOSTILED UN-HOSTILED UN-HOSTILED UN-HOSTILED UN-HOSTILED UN-HOSTILED UN-HOSTILED UN-HOSTILED UN-HOSTILED UN-HOSTILED UN-HOSTILED UN-HOSTILED UN-HOSTILED UN-HOSTILED UN-HOSTILED UN-HOSTILED UN-HOSTILED UN-HOST
98 |
99 | SAMPLE 49: <|endoftext|>START: MMM. I THINK YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN THROUGH A LOT OF THOUGHTS, AND I WANT TO THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR SUPPORT, BECAUSE IT'S REALLY HELPING ME GET THROUGH THIS. I'M REALLY HAPPY ABOUT THE END OF MY FIRST YEAR AS PRESIDENT. IT WAS A BIG ONE. I WAS SO CONFIDENT I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO BE THE FIRST PERSON TO STEP DOWN. I'M NOT. I AM SO CONFIDENT IN WHAT I'M LEARNING. I'LL BE SO EXCITED TO BE BACK IN MY OFFICE IN FOUR MONTHS, AND I'LL BE SO HONORED TO BE HERE TO WORK WITH YOU. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT'S GOOD. THAT'S GOOD. THAT'S GOOD.<|endoftext|>
100 |
101 | SAMPLE 50: <|endoftext|>START:?" "YESTERDAY, THE PRESIDENT TWEETED: "WELCOME TO THE LATE SHOW. I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT, AND I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT, FOR THE LAST TIME." ( APPLAUSE ) AND I WANT TO THANK ALL OF YOU FOR BEING HERE TODAY, EVERYBODY HERE, TO WATCH THE PRESIDENT'S SPEECH. I'M A BIG FAN OF HIS, AND I WANT YOU TO KNOW, I'M A BIG FAN OF HIS, AND HE'S GOT A LOT OF WORK TO DO TO GET THE COUNTRY BACK ON TRACK. ( LAUGHTER ) AND HE HAS A LOT OF WORK TO DO. AND IT HASN'T JUST STARTED WITH THE FEDS, BECAUSE, AS WE LEARNED LAST NIGHT, THE TRUMP WHITE HOUSE HAS BEEN IN THE BUSY WORK OF SUEING PEOPLE WITH LIQUIDITY PLACES, FROM PEOPLE WHO ARE VACATIONING AT THEIR LOCALS, TO PEOPLE WHO ARE TRAVELING TO THE U.S. TO VISIT A FAMILY. AND THE Feds
102 |
103 | SAMPLE 51: <|endoftext|>START: THIS IS A VERY BIG STORY, AND I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE. THE PRESIDENT IS UNDER FIRE RIGHT NOW FOR A LOT OF THINGS. FOR INSTANCE, THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT JUST ANNOUNCED A $1.5 TRILLION PLAN TO BUILD THE Eiffel Tower. ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) AND IT'S NOT THE ONLY BIG PLAN THE FED HAS PLANNED. THERE'S ALSO AN EMBEDMENT IN NEW YORK THAT WILL BE THE WORLD'S LARGEST SIGN, AND IT WOULD BE THE WORLD'S Largest FIRE FIGHTING BASE. ( LAUGHTER ) AND THERE'S ALSO THIS: A NEW YORK STATE LAWMAKER SAYS THAT THE Eiffel Tower, A.K.A. THE Eiffel Tower, IS THE WORLD'S LARGEST SIGN. ( APPLAUSE ) AND IT'S NOT JUST THE Eiffel Tower, IT'S THE entire Eiffel Tower, AND THE NEW YORK STATE GOVERNMENT SAYS, "THIS IS THE WORLD'S LargEST SIGN, AND IT WOULD BE THE WORLD'S LARGEST FIRE FIGHTING
104 |
105 | SAMPLE 52: <|endoftext|>START: WELL, WE'RE JUST TALKING ABOUT TRUMP RIGHT NOW, BUT HE'S ALSO BEEN ON THE DEFENSIVE FORMER PRESIDENT, BARACK OBAMA. AND HE SAYS THAT HIS FIRST REAL STEP AS PRESIDENT WILL BE TO GET THE COUNTRY BACK ON TRACK. ( LAUGHTER ) OBAMA SAYS THAT HE HAS TWO THINGS IN MIND: GETTING THE COUNTRY ON TRACK, AND GETTING PEOPLE TO JOIN THE FIGHT AGAINST TRUMP. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND HE'S GOT TWO BIG GAMES ON HIS HANDS. THE FIRST ONE IS TO MAKE THE PEOPLE OF AMERICA FEEL GOOD ABOUT THE WORLD. ( AUDIENCE REACTS ) OBAMA SAYS HE HAS TWO THINGS IN MIND: GETTING THE COUNTRY ON TRACK, AND GETTING PEOPLE TO JOIN THE FIGHT AGAINST TRUMP. AND HE'S GOT TWO BIG GAMES ON HIS HANDS. THE FIRST ONE IS TO MAKE THE PEOPLE OF AMERICA FEEL GOOD ABOUT THE WORLD, AND MAKE THE WORLD FEEL GOOD ABOUT US. ( LAUGHTER ) AND THE OTHER ONE, OBAMA SAYS, IS TO SHOW THE WORLD WHAT A GOOD COUNTRY
106 |
107 | SAMPLE 53: <|endoftext|>START: (APPLAUSE) NOW, TRUMP IS A HUGE FAN OF "THE OXYGEN." HE SAYS HE'S READ THE BOOK. AND HE'S NOT THE ONLY ONE. TRUMP'S ADORING A FOURTH EDITION, AND IT'LL HAVE A NEW COVER STORY BY THE GREAT JON BATISTE AND A REMINDER OF "THE OXYGEN." SO TRUMP IS READY TO GO TO THE LAND OF OXYGEN. (LAUGHTER) NOW, TRUMP'S ADVISORS ARE SAYING THAT THE BOOK'S REVIEWS HAVE CONFIRMED THAT IT'S THE TRUE STORY OF HIS BIRTH. (LAUGHTER) AND THE REVIEWS ALSO SAY THAT IT'S TRUE BECAUSE THE AUTHORS SAY THE AUTHORS DID NOT SEE TRUMP GET BIRTH. (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) SO TRUMP IS READY TO GET HIS HANDS ON THE NEW BOOK AND MAKE HIS OWN REVELATIONS OF THE OXYGEN. SO, YOU KNOW, TRUMP HAS GOT A LOT OF HANDS.<|endoftext|>
108 |
109 | SAMPLE 54: <|endoftext|>START: JOE BIDEN. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) WELL, IT'S FRIDAY! WE'RE GETTING SOME GOOD NEWS OUT OF BERNIE SANDERS' CAMPAIGN. BECAUSE, JUST TODAY, THE PRESIDENT AND FIRST LADY OF THE UNITED STATES HAD A GREAT COMBINE AT THE WHITE HOUSE, WHICH WAS A BIG HIT WITH PEOPLE. (LAUGHTER) (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) IT'S A BIG HIT. AND THE PRESIDENT AND THE FIRST LADY OF THE UNITED STATES HAD A GREAT COMBINE AT THE WHITE HOUSE. IT WAS A BIG HIT WITH PEOPLE. IT WAS A BIG HIT WITH PEOPLE BECAUSE THE PRESIDENT AND THE FIRST LADY HAD A BIG FIGHT ABOUT THE NATIONAL ENERGY ENERGY BOARD. AND IT WAS REALLY A BIG FIGHT. THE PRESIDENT HELD A PRESS CONFERENCE WITH ALL THE NATIONAL ENERGY ADVISORS AND THEY ALL TALKED ABOUT THE BOARD, BUT THE N.R.A. ADVISORS HAD A BIG HARD TIME WITH THAT ONE BECAUSE THEY THOUGHT THEY COULD GET THEIR N.
110 |
111 | SAMPLE 55: <|endoftext|>START:?" "WHAT'S GOING ON?"?" "HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON?" "YOU KNOW, I THINK IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE THAT THIS WEEKEND, THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, DONALD TRUMP, CALLED THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, JEFF SESSIONS. HE'S CALLED HIM OUT. HE'S CALLED THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA OUT ON HIS CURRENT POSITION, AND HE'S CALLING HIM OUT. HE'S CALLING THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA OUT. HE'S SAYING, 'YOU KNOW, JEFF, I DON'T LIKE WHAT YOU'RE DOING, BUT YOU KNOW, I'M GOING TO CALL YOU OUT ON YOUR CURRENT POSITION. I'M GOING TO CALL YOU OUT ON WHAT YOU'RE DOING. YOU'RE NOT DOING A GOOD JOB. YOU'RE NOT DOING A GOOD JOB. YOU'RE NOT DOING ANYTHING. YOU'RE JUST A POSITIONALIST. (LAUGHTER) YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU'RE NOT EVEN THE PRESIDENT. YOU'RE
112 |
113 | SAMPLE 56: <|endoftext|>START: WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW." I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT, AND I WANT TO THANK YOU FOR JOINING US HERE. THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH, THANK YOU, THANK YOU VERY MUCH, THANK YOU. WE'LL BE BACK WITH A NEW SHOW TONIGHT. ( APPLAUSE ) SO WE'RE JUST ABOUT TO START THE WEEKEND, AND IT'S BEEN AN HARD WEEK FOR TRUMP. HE'S TOUGH ON TERRORISTS, BUT HE'S TOUGH ON TERRORISTS IN AMERICA. WELL, TODAY, THE WHITE HOUSE ANNOUNCED A NEW POLICY TO FIGHT ISIS, WHICH INCLUDES THE DE-BALANCE BETWEEN THE FEDS, N.Y.C. POLICE, AND THE ARMED FORCES. AND THE DE-BALANCE WILL BE AVAILABLE FOR PURCHASE TODAY ON THE WHITE HOUSE WEBSITE, WHICH ALSO OFFERS TICKETS TO THE "LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT." ( LAUGHTER ) SO YOU CAN GET A FREE TICKET TO THE SHOW. (
114 |
115 | SAMPLE 57: <|endoftext|>START: ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WELL, I'M STEPHEN COLBERT! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YOU KNOW, I'M REALLY EXCITED TO HAVE A NEW BOOK OUT THIS WEEK. I'M REALLY EXCITED. I'M A HUGE FAN OF THE PBS MOVIE, "BROOKLYN," AND I'VE GOT A NEW PREVIEW! ( PIANO RIFF ) AND IT'S CALLED "BROOKLYN." IT'S THE ONE WHERE THEY'LL BE MOVING THE STAIRWAY TO THE BRIDGE, AND THE ONE WHERE THEY'LL BE CALLING EVERYTHING BROOKLYN. ( LAUGHTER ). AND IT'S A REALISTIC PREVIEW, BECAUSE THIS YEAR, THE AUTHOR IS BRANDON COHEN. ( LAUGHTER ) AND THIS IS A PREVIEW, BECAUSE THE BOOK IS IN THE PROCESS OF BEING COMPLETELY WRITTEN. ( AUDIENCE REACTS ) THAT MEANS IT WILL BE A REALISTIC READ. AND I'M REALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING MY ASS IN THE WAY. ( CHEERS
116 |
117 | SAMPLE 58: <|endoftext|>START: (APPLAUSE) WE ARE IN A TIME OF CONFUSION, AND I WANT TO GIVE A HAND UP TO ONE MAN. IT'S A MAN WHO'S BEING HELD ACCOUNTABLE FOR HIS PART IN A SCANDAL THAT HAPPENED IN NEW YORK. AND THIS MORNING, THE MAN WAS SHOCKED TO HEAR ABOUT THE CRIME. (LAUGHTER) HE'S A HUGE STAR ON "THE LATE SHOW," AND HE WAS CALLED TO THE OFFICE FOR AN INVITATION. BUT THE OFFICE HIRED A PRIMARY ATTORNEY, AND THE PRIMARY ATTORNEY WAS CALLED A "HORSE." (LAUGHTER) THE PRIMARY ATTORNEY WAS FIRED, AND THE FIRM'S HEAD OF PROMOTION AND PUBLICITY, JEFF KUSHNER, HAS BEEN HELD ACCOUNTABLE FOR HIS PART IN THE SCANDAL. (LAUGHTER) (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE). THAT'S A GOOD FEELING. THAT'S A GOOD FEELING. THAT'S GOOD TO HEAR, THAT'S A GOOD FEELING
118 |
119 | SAMPLE 59: <|endoftext|>START: WE'RE GOING TO START THIS SHOT AT THE END OF THE WEEKEND. AND WE'VE GOT SOME NEWS FROM OUR GOOD FRIEND, THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, BARACK OBAMA. WE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT, AND I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. WE GOT SOME GOOD NEWS FROM THE UNITED STATES. BECAUSE, AS YOU KNOW, THE PRESIDENT HAS BEEN ON A CRISIS THIS WEEKEND, AND HE'S BEEN IN A LOT OF DANGEROUS SHOCKS. HE HAS BEEN ACCUSED OF HAVING A HIGHER PERSPECTIVE OF THE WORLD'S POOR THAN HIS STAFFER, BILLIONAIRE PRESIDENT OBAMA. ( LAUGHTER ) AND THIS WEEKEND, HE'S BEEN IN A LOT OF SHAME. FOR ONE, HIS CAMPAIGN HAD ITS BEST WEEK EVER, RECORDING A HUGE NUMBER OF REPUBLICANS VOTING FOR HIM, AND EVEN BIG GATES, THE STATE DEPARTMENT, AND EVEN THE FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATIONS. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND
120 |
121 | SAMPLE 60: <|endoftext|>START: YOU'RE LOOKING FORWARD TO A GOOD SHOW, BECAUSE I'M HAPPY TO ANNOUNCE THAT THE "WEEKEND" IS BACK. I'M NOT SURE IF YOU'RE FAMOUS FOR YOUR SHOW, BUT I THINK YOU'RE GOOD AT IT. YOU'RE A LITTLE LIKE THE OTHER GUYS. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) WELL, YOU'RE A LITTLE LIKE THE OTHER GUYS BECAUSE YOU'RE HERE TO SHOW US YOUR STUFF. YOU KNOW WHAT THAT'S CALLING, RIGHT? (LAUGHTER) YOU HAVE A GREAT SHOW. YOU HAVE A GREAT SHOW. YOU HAVE A GREAT SHOW. WE'LL BE BACK TOMORROW NIGHT WITH SOME NEW GUYS. BUT FIRST, SOME NEWS. I'M SO EXCITED FOR THIS WEEKEND THAT I'M HAVING A BIG SHOW. I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU SOME NEW GUYS. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) WE'LL SEE SOME NEW GUYS. I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU SOME NEW GUYS. (LAUGHTER) YOU KNOW WHAT THAT'S CALLING? YOU
122 |
123 | SAMPLE 61: <|endoftext|>START: NOW, WE'RE GETTING SOME GOOD NEWS OUT OF THE TRUMP UNION. THE PRESIDENT IS TAKING A LOOK AT A NEW BORDER WALL. AND IT'S GOING TO BE BIG. WE KNOW FROM OUR FRIEND, DON RYAN, THAT THE WALL IS GOING TO BE BIG. AND IT WILL BE HUGE. IT'S LIKE THE ONE THAT JUST REMAINS OPEN. IT'S JUST BEEN OPENED, AND THE WALL IS STILL OPENING. AND THIS MORNING, THE PRESIDENT GAVE A SPEECH WHERE HE SAID, "THE WALL IS OPENING. IT'S JUST A FEW DAYS LATER, AND IT'S GONE." ( APPLAUSE ) AND THIS MORNING, HE ANNOUNCED THAT THE WALL WILL BE OPENED "THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 17." THAT IS-- THAT MEANS, IT'S BEING OPENED TODAY. ( LAUGHTER ) IT MEANS, IT'S GOING TO BE A REAL THURSDAY. ( LAUGHTER ) AND THE WALL IS GOING TO BE BIG, BECAUSE, AS TRUMP SAID, THE BORD
124 |
125 | SAMPLE 62: <|endoftext|>START: ( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF ) ( PIANO RIFF ) I THINK IT IS RIGHT THAT WE END THIS SHOW WITH THE SOUNDTRACK TO "THE WALL." ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'RE GOING TO NEED IT. WE'RE GOING TO NEED THE SOUNDTRACK TO "THE WALL," BECAUSE THIS WEEKEND, THE WALL IS GOING TO BE THE LARGEST AND MOST POPULAR EVENT IN THE CITY'S HISTORY. AND IT'S GOING TO BE HUGE, AND IT'S GOING TO BE A REAL HALLOWEEN, BECAUSE THIS WEEKEND THE CITY WILL BE SPENDING $3 MILLION ON THE BIG EVENT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT'S RIGHT. THE MOST POPULAR EVENT IN THE CITY. AND IT'S GOING TO BE HUGE. THE MOST POPULAR EVENT IN THE CITY. THE BIGGEST. AND IT'S GOING TO BE HUGE, BECAUSE THE BIGGER THE EVENT, THE MORE PEOPLE ARE TAKING THE TIME TO SEE IT. SO THE BIG EVENT WILL HAVE
126 |
127 | SAMPLE 63: <|endoftext|>START: THE BIG STORY OF THE DAY IS THE TRUMP SUPPORTER FIRING OF JAMES COMEY. IT'S BEEN A BIG WEEK FOR TRUMP, AND HIS RELATIONSHIP WITH THE F.B.I. JAMES COMEY WASN'T THE ONLY PERSON FIRED TODAY. THERE'S ALSO THE SUSPICIOUSLY IMPORTANT INVESTIGATION OF THE TRUMP MACHINE, AND THE F.B.I.'S PURGE OF MANY RUSSIANS. ( LAUGHTER ) AND THEN THERE'S THE RUSSIA INVESTIGATION, WHICH IS ALSO HAVING A LOT OF RUMORS THIS WEEK. FOR INSTANCE, THIS WEEKEND, RUSSIA INVESTIGATOR AND "THE LADY" JAMES COMEY, AND THE MAN WHO WAS FIRED, PUTIN, TWEETED, "I HAVE BEEN UNDER INVESTIGATION FOR A VERY DISTIRBING DECISION, BUT I BELIEVE IT IS IMPORTANT THAT THE PUBLIC KNOW THIS IS NOT TRUE. I HAVE NOTHING TO LIE ABOUT. THE ONLY WAY I CAN'T SHOW MY LIES TO THE PUBLIC IS IF
128 |
129 | SAMPLE 64: <|endoftext|>START: THIS JUST IN, THE LATEST TRUMP TWEET IS A REVELATION THAT HIS CAMPAIGN MADE SURE THAT THE F.B.I. COULD NOT INVESTIGATE HIM. THIS IS HUGE NEWS, BECAUSE THE F.B.I. HAS BEEN INVESTIGATING TRUMP FOR YEARS, AND THIS IS ONE OF HIS FIRST OFFICIAL TWEETS WHICH REVEALS THAT THE F.B.I. CANNOT INVESTIGATE HIM. THIS IS HUGE NEWS, BECAUSE THE F.B.I. HAS BEEN INVESTIGATING TRUMP FOR YEARS, AND THIS IS ONE OF HIS FIRST OFFICIAL TWEETS WHICH REVEALS THAT THE F.B.I. CANNOT INVESTIGATE HIM. THIS IS HUGE NEWS, BECAUSE THE F.B.I. HAS BEEN INVESTIGATING TRUMP FOR YEARS, AND THIS IS ONE OF HIS FIRST OFFICIAL TWEETS WHICH REVEALS THAT THE F.B.I. CANNOT INVESTIGATE HIM. ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) AND THIS IS HUGE NEWS, BECAUSE THE F.B.I. WAS LOOK
130 |
131 | SAMPLE 65: <|endoftext|>START: (AS THE PRESIDENT) (AS TRUMP) "THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH." (LAUGHTER) WE'RE GOING TO BE WATCHING VERY, VERY VERY, VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY, VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY, VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY, VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY, VERY VERY VERY VERY, WELL, WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO HAVE ANOTHER BREAKING NEWS STORY.<|endoftext|>
132 |
133 | SAMPLE 66: <|endoftext|>START: (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) THANK YOU!<|endoftext|>
134 |
135 | SAMPLE 67: <|endoftext|>START: ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. BUT FIRST, A LITTLE NEWS. A FEDERAL AGENCY HAS ANNOUNCED IT WILL NOT BE INVESTIGATING THE TRUMP-BANNED RUSSIA RUSSIA TWEETS. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT'S GOOD. ( APPLAUSE ) WELL, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT AS PRESIDENT, I WANT TO SEE THAT BANNED THING COMING OUT OF THAT RUSSIA TWEET.<|endoftext|>
136 |
137 | SAMPLE 68: <|endoftext|>START: (AS JONNY LEWIS) YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN ON THIS SITUATION BEFORE, AND IT'S NOT GOOD. I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE. I'M NOT EVEN THE ONLY ONE WHO'S SEEN THIS. WE'VE ALL SEEN THIS. WE'VE ALL SEEN THIS, AND IT'S NOT GOOD. AND I DON'T WANT TO OVERLAP, I'VE GOT TO SAY IT: IT'S NOT JUST TRUMP. IT'S ALL THESE WHITE PEOPLE WHO'VE LEFT. THEY LEFT, AND THEY LEFT, AND THEY LEFT, AND THEY LEFT. AND NOW THEY ARE ALL LEAVING. AND THEY'RE ALL LEAVING. (LAUGHTER) THEY'RE NOT ALL LEAVING. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) IT'S LIKE, THEY'RE ALL LEAVING, AND THEY'RE ALL LEAVING. (LAUGHTER) THEY'VE LEFT, AND NOW THEY HAVE NO PLACE TO GO. AND THEY HAVE NO PLACE TO GO, BECAUSE THEY'RE ALL WHITE! (APPLAUSE) (APPLAUSE) THEY
138 |
139 | SAMPLE 69: <|endoftext|>START: (APPLAUSE). (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE). (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).<|endoftext|>
140 |
141 | SAMPLE 70: <|endoftext|>START: THE BIG STORY THIS MORNING IS THAT AUSTRALIA HAS BEEN HIT WITH A $US300 MILLION RIBBON RIBBON RIBBON RIBBON. THAT'S $US300 MILLION IN RIBBON RIBBON RIBBON RIBBON. THAT'S $US300 MILLION IN RABBIT RABBIT RABBIT RABBIT RABBIT RABBIT RABBIT RABBIT RABBIT. AND THAT'S NOT THE ONLY RABBIT IN AUSTRALIA. THERE ARE A LOT OF RABBITS IN AUSTRALIA. THERE IS A LOT OF RABBIT RABBITS IN AUSTRALIA. AND THERE'S ALSO THIS: THERE'S A LOT OF RABBITS IN THE UK. THERE'S ALSO A LOT OF RABBITS IN THE UK. AND A LOT OF RABBITS IN THE UK. AND A LOT OF RABBITS IN THE UK. AND A LOT OF RABBITS IN ALL THESE OTHER COUNTRIES, AND A LOT OF RABBITS IN ALL THESE OTHER COUNTRIES. AND A LOT OF RAB
142 |
143 | SAMPLE 71: <|endoftext|>START: WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, TO "THE LATE SHOW." I'M YOUR SHOWS STEPHEN COLBERT. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) IT'S FRIDAY. IT'S FRIDAY. IT'S FRIDAY. (LAUGHTER) IT'S FRIDAY. IT'S FRIDAY. IT'S FRIDAY. IT'S FRIDAY. IT IS FRIDAY. IT IS FRIDAY. IT IS FRIDAY. IT IS FRIDAY. IT IS FRIDAY. IT IS FRIDAY. IT IS FRIDAY. IT IS FRIDAY. IT IS FRIDAY. IT IS FRIDAY. IT IS FRIDAY. IT IS FRIDAY. IT IS FRIDAY.<|endoftext|>
144 |
145 | SAMPLE 72: <|endoftext|>START: WHAT HAPPENED TO THE "LATE SHOW" TONIGHT? WELL, IT WAS A LITTLE BIT LATE ON "THE LATE SHOW" TONIGHT, BECAUSE THE SHOW'S PRODUCER, DONNY DEUTSCH, WASN'T THERE. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) HE HAD A BIG WEEKEND. HE HAD A BIG WEEKEND. HE HAD A BIG WEEKEND. BUT WHEN DONNY GOT BACK TO THE TONIGHT SHOW, IT WAS ALL ABOUT HIS SHOW, "THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT." (LAUGHTER) (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) IT'S SO FUNNY. I THINK THE SHOW'S GOING TO HAVE TO HANG HIM OUTSIDE.<|endoftext|>
146 |
147 | SAMPLE 73: <|endoftext|>START: JON BATISTE AND THE SEAGULLS. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE HAVE A LOT OF NEWS THIS WEEKEND FROM THE WORLD OF SPORTS. AND ONE OF THE BIGGEST STORIES OF THE WEEK IS THE DEATH OF JON BATISTE, THE MAN WHO HAS BEEN THE BASEBALL'S WORST PERSON FOR THE LAST FEW YEARS. ( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT I'M NOT SURE I HAD THE SENSE OF JON BATISTE'S DEATH THIS WEEK. I THOUGHT HE WAS GOING TO BE A PART OF THE NEW YORK YARDBALL TEAM FOR THE NEXT SEASON. ( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF ) BUT, NO, HE'S DEAD. ( LAUGHTER ) AND NOW, THERE ARE MORE THINGS HAPPENING AT BASEBALL THAT I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT. FOR INSTANCE, LAST WEEKEND, BASEBALL'S OFFICIAL WEBSITE, BASEBALL-ATHLETIC.COM, WAS BROKE. AND NOW, THEY ARE BROKE AGA
148 |
149 | SAMPLE 74: <|endoftext|>START: ( APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF ) YEAH, I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN TONIGHT'S "DOING IT FOR THE LOVE OF THE GAME." BUT FIRST... ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )<|endoftext|>
150 |
151 | SAMPLE 75: <|endoftext|>START: ( CHEERS & APPLAUSE ) THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. WE'RE HERE IN THE STREET OF NEW YORK CITY. WE'RE LIVE TONIGHT ON "THE LATE SHOW" AND WE'RE ALL EXCITED ABOUT THIS YEAR'S NEW BOOK, THE BOOK THAT JUST ROCKED THE WORLD. AND IT'S CALLED "THE NEW YORKER," BY JON BATISTE AND MICHAEL WATT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YEAH. YEAH. IT'S JUST A GREAT BOOK, AND I HOPE YOU ENJOY IT AS MUCH AS WE ENJOYED IT. IT IS A GREAT BOOK. I THINK IT WILL MAKE A HUGE HIT. AND IT WAS A GREAT SHOW TO RECORD IT. WE RECORDED IT LIVE ON "THE LATE SHOW." AND WE GOT A LOT OF GOOD GUYS TO RECORD IT WITH. I HAD A GREAT TIME RECORDING IT, AND I HOPE THAT EVERYBODY RECORDED IT, AND YOU ALL RECORDED IT, AND YOU ALL FEEL THE WAY THAT YOU WANT IT TO FEEL. AND I
152 |
153 | SAMPLE 76: <|endoftext|>START: ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THANK YOU, EVERYBODY. THANK YOU SO MUCH! THANK YOU SO MUCH! THANK YOU SO MUCH! THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH! THANK YOU SO MUCH.<|endoftext|>
154 |
155 | SAMPLE 77: <|endoftext|>START: WELL, I'M STEPHEN COLBERT, AND I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. WELL, LAST NIGHT, PRESIDENT TRUMP TWEETED, "THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA HAS BEEN THROUGH A LOT OF SHAMEFUL YEARS IN DECEMBER. BUT TODAY, WE ARE IN THE GOOD NEWS BECAUSE THE UNITED STATES FINALLY BECOMES THE MOST OPENED AND SECURED COUNTRY IN THE WORLD. THIS IS A HUGE DEAL! THANK YOU TO ALL OF YOU WHO CONTINUED TO VOTE FOR US IN THE MIDTERMS. NOW, IT'S TIME FOR THE PRESIDENT TO MAKE THIS ANNOUNCEMENT. WE WILL BE A FINE COUNTRY!" AND THAT WAS THAT! THAT WAS IT.<|endoftext|>
156 |
157 | SAMPLE 78: <|endoftext|>START: ( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF ) ( APPLAUSE ) IT IS A BIG DAY FOR THE NEW YORK TIMES. I'M SO HAPPY YOU GUYS ARE HERE. I HAVE A BIG NEWS FOR YOU. I'M GOING TO TALK TO THE PRESIDENT. I'M GOING TO TALK TO THE PRESIDENT. ( LAUGHTER ) YESTERDAY, THE NEW YORK TIMES ANNOUNCED THE CREW OF THE "STAR WARS" SAGA, AND I WANT TO THANK THE TEAM THAT CREATED IT. IT IS A TEAM THAT I BELIEVE IS GOING TO BE A TRUE HERO OF OUR TIME. IT IS A TEAM THAT IS GOING TO BE AN IMPORTANT AND TRUE HERO OF OUR TIMES. AND IT'S GOING TO BE A GREAT STORY. SO THANK YOU. THANK YOU.<|endoftext|>
158 |
159 | SAMPLE 79: <|endoftext|>START: (AS JON) "YOU KNOW, I'M A BIG FAN OF 'THE Bachelorette.' I'M A HUGE 'THE BACHELORETTE.' I'M A HUGE 'THE BACHELORETTE' GUY. AND I WAS EXCITED WHEN THE SHOW ANNOUNCED THAT I WOULD BE PARTING FROM MY PARTNER, JARED BRISKELL. ( LAUGHTER ) HE'S A GREAT PERSON. I HOPE HE DOESN'T GET HURT BY THE STORM THAT IS THE NEWS THAT JARED BRISKELL WILL BE PART OF THE BACHELORETTE SEASON. I'M A HUGE 'THE BACHELORETTE' GUY. I HOPE HE DOESN'T HAVE TO GO THROUGH THE HOUR LONG PRESSING CIRCUIT THAT THE OTHER GUY IS GOING THROUGH. HE SHOULD BE HOLDING ON TO THIS. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HE'S A GREAT GUY. HE'S A GREAT GUY. BUT HE'S ALSO GOT A BIG ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE. SO I'M GOING TO
160 |
161 | SAMPLE 80: <|endoftext|>START: THE BIG NEWS OUT OF THIS WEEK'S ELECTION: TRUMP WILL NOT BE RUNNING AGAIN IN 2020, BECAUSE THE ELECTORS DECLARED HIM NOT THE BEST PERSON TO RUN THE COUNTRY. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( LAUGHTER ) TRUMP'S A FASHIONER. I MEAN, LOOK HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE SAYING HE'S NOT THE RIGHT MAN TO RUN THE COUNTRY. ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) HE'S NOT EVEN FROM HERE. HE'S FROM UP THERE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) TRUMP IS A FAN OF THE RUSSIA SHADY BUS THAT GOES BY THE NAME OF "THE PRESIDENTIAL BUS." ( LAUGHTER ) HE EVEN TWEETED "THE PRESIDENTIAL BUS FROM RUSSIAN HILLARY'S CAMPAIGN HAS A NEW NAME: "THE PRESIDENTIAL BUS FROM RUSSIA'S CAMPAIGN." ( AUDIENCE REACTS ) ( APPLAUSE ) THAT'S GOOD!<|endoftext|>
162 |
163 | SAMPLE 81: <|endoftext|>START: THE MATCH-UPS ARE HERE! (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) WE'VE GOT SOME BIG NEWS OUT THERE, AND IT'S NOT JUST ABOUT TRUMP'S UNCOMFORTABLE ATTACKS ON THE MEDIA. IT'S ALSO ABOUT HIS FATHER, DONALD TRUMP. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) IT WAS A BIG NIGHT FOR DONALD TRUMP, AND IT'S NOT THE ONLY ONE. IN NEW YORK, THE NEW YORK TIMES IS REPORTING THAT DONALD TRUMP WILL BE THE ONLY PRESIDENT TO NOT BE INVITED TO THE G-20 SUMMIT THIS YEAR. AND IT'S NOT JUST DONALD TRUMP. THERE'S ALSO RUSSIA'S VLADIMIR PUTIN, AND THE PRESIDENT'S CAMPAIGN IS ALSO HOPING TO MISS OUT ON THE G-7 SUMMIT. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) IT'S NOT JUST DONALD TRUMP'S FATHER WHO IS MISSING OUT. IT'S ALSO RUSSIA. POTENTIAL SPOILERS FOR THE FIRST HALF OF "STAR WARS" ARE ALREADY HAPPENING, SO I'LL TELL YOU ALL
164 |
165 | SAMPLE 82: <|endoftext|>START: ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'RE TALKING ABOUT THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION'S PROBLEM WITH HOLDING THE NATIONAL EMERGENCY OPERATION IN MEXICO. WELL, IT'S NOT JUST MEXICO'S NATIONAL EMERGENCY. IT'S ALL OVER THE MEXICAN HORIZON. WE HAVE A LOT OF HAIL AND CRYING, AND WE HAVE TO BE CAREFUL. WE'VE GOT A LOT OF HAIL AND CRYING. WE HAVE A LOT OF HAIL AND CRYING. AND THE NATIONAL EMERGENCY OPERATION IS GOING TO HAVE TO BE HELD IN MEXICO, AND MEXICAN PEOPLE HAVE TO BE TOLD THAT. AND MEXICAN PEOPLE ARE BEING TOLD THAT THEY HAVE TO BE IN MEXICAN TERRAIN TO BE HELD IN A NATIONAL EMERGENCY, AND THAT THEY CAN'T GO OUT AND DO ANYTHING UNTIL THEY HAVE BEEN TAKEN INTO THE MEXICAN TERRAIN AND CUT OFF THEIR HEADS AND THEIR NECKLACES. AND MEXICAN PEOPLE ARE GOING TO
166 |
167 | SAMPLE 83: <|endoftext|>START: THE BIG STORY. I'M TALKING ABOUT THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN'S PROBLEM. THE PROBLEM IS THAT, FOR INSTANCE, THE PRESIDENT IS NOT THE ONE WHO HAS TO MAKE THE DECISIONS. THE MUELLER REPORT IS WRONG. IT IS NOT THE PRESIDENT'S FAULT HE HAS TO MAKE THE DECISIONS. HE HAS THE POWER. THE MUELLER REPORT IS WRONG ON TWO LEVELS: 1. THE MUELLER REPORT IS WRONG FOR TWO THINGS: (1) THE MUELLER REPORT DOES NOT SHOW THAT THE PRESIDENT HAS DIRECTED HIS TEAM TO INVESTIGATE THE MUELLER REPORT'S CONTENT. (2) THE MUELLER REPORT DOES NOT SHOW THAT THE PRESIDENT HAS DIRECTED HIS TEAM TO INVESTIGATE HIS TEAM'S CONTENTS. THAT LAST POINT IS A MAJOR PROBLEM. THE MUELLER REPORT DOES NOT SHOW THAT TRUMP'S TEAM IS INVESTIGATING HIS TEAM'S CONTENTS. THAT'S RIGHT: THE MUELLER REPORT DOES NOT SHOW THAT THE PRESIDENT'S TEAM IS INVESTIGATING HIS TEAM
168 |
169 | SAMPLE 84: <|endoftext|>START: ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'RE BACK! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'RE BACK! WE'RE BACK! WE'RE BACK! WE'RE BACK! WE'RE BACK! WE'RE BACK! WE'RE BACK! WE'RE BACK! WE'RE BACK! WE'RE BACK! WE'RE BACK! WE'RE BACK! WE'RE BACK! WE'RE BACK! WE'RE BACK! WE DON'T KNOW WHETHER THIS IS THE END OR JUST THE END OF THE STORY, BUT WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. JON BATISTE IS HERE. AND WE WILL NEVER BE AS BAD AS THEY GET.<|endoftext|>
170 |
171 | SAMPLE 85: <|endoftext|>START: WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON? ( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A NEW YORK CITY FIRE CRIME, AND THE GOVERNMENT HAS DECLARED A PRIMARY IMMEDIATE SOLUTION: THE PUBLIC MAY NOT BE ABLE TO ACCESS THEIR E-Mails, AND THE PRIMARY SOLUTION WILL BE TO HOLD THE E-MAILS IN THEIR OWN CLUEBOX, OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT! ( LAUGHTER ) NOW, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT I'M NOT SURE THAT THE E-MAILS ARE IN THE CLUEBOX. ( LAUGHTER ) I THINK THE ONLY WAY TO KNOW IS TO LOOK AT THEM. ( LAUGHTER ) I'D LIKE TO SEE THEM. I THINK THEY COULD BE A LOT OF GOOD!<|endoftext|>
172 |
173 | SAMPLE 86: <|endoftext|>START: I'LL START THIS OFF BY SAYING, I LOVE THE NEW YEAR. AND THE NEW YEAR'S ACTUAL IS A LOT BETTER THAN THE ONE THAT WE'VE BEEN PREVIOUSLY THROUGH. I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE HERE. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE WITH US THIS YEAR. WE'VE BEEN THROUGH SO MUCH. WE'VE BEEN THROUGH SO MUCH BUSINESS. AND I'VE HAD SO MUCH TO SAY TO EVERYBODY. I KNOW IT SOUNDS LIKE A LOT OF PRESSURE, AND I WANT TO SAY SOMETHING. BUT I JUST DON'T WANT TO SAY IT. ( APPLAUSE ) I JUST DON'T WANT TO SAY IT, BECAUSE IT'S GOING TO CONTAIN SPOILERS. BUT IT'S GOING TO CONTAIN SPOILERS, BECAUSE IT'S BEEN HILLARY CLINTON. AND I'VE GOT TO SAY, SHE'S GOT A GREAT HEAD ON HER SELF. SHE'S GOT A GREAT HEAD ON HER SELF. SHE'S GOT A GREAT HEAD ON HER SELF, AND I'M REALLY LOOK
174 |
175 | SAMPLE 87: <|endoftext|>START: THIS IS THE FIRST WEEK OF MARCH, AND WE'RE GETTING SOME GOOD NEWS. THE WHITE HOUSE HAS ANNOUNCED A $300 MILLION INVESTMENT IN FOREIGN COUNTRIES TO "STORE" USURPATION OF OUR NATION'S RIGHTS. ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) AND IT'S ALL GOING TO GO INTO EFFORTS TO DEFEND OUR NATION'S RIGHTS, WHICH ARE SO EASY TO DEFEND. WE HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE EMBARRASSED. WE HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE PROTECTED. WE HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE FREE FROM THESE THREATS. AND THE PRESIDENT IS PUSHING FOR A $300 MILLION INVESTMENT. AND HE'S TAKING A VERY FEMINIST LINE. HE THINKS WE NEED TO DEFEND OUR RIGHTS. AND WE NEED TO DEFEND THEM, BECAUSE IF WE DON'T, WE'LL BE IN FOR A LOT OF NICE FEELINGS FROM PEOPLE WHO DON'T LIKE THE WAY WE DO IT. AND WE DON'T HAVE TO BE THAT WAY. WE CAN BE THE WAY WE WANT TO BE, OR WE CAN
176 |
177 | SAMPLE 88: <|endoftext|>START: MOST OF US HAVE NO IDEA WHO THE NEW PRESIDENT IS, OR WHY HE'S CALLING THE MUELLER REPORT "FRAUD." ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF ) WELL, IT'S NOT JUST THE REPORT'S FUD. IT'S ITS FURTHER FUDS. THE PRESIDENT IS CALLING THE MUELLER REPORT "THE FAKE NEWS," AND HE'S GOING TO CALL IT THAT ALL THE TIME. AND HE'S GIVING IT A LOT OF PRESSURE. THE PRESSURE IS GOING TO BE ON IT BECAUSE WE'VE BEEN WARNED FOR YEARS THAT MUELLER WAS ACTUALLY A RUSSIAN SPY. ( LAUGHTER ) AND NOW, THE PRESSURE IS BEING BEHIND THE PRESIDENT'S ACTIONS, AS WELL AS THE PRESSURE OF THE PUBLIC'S CONCERN THAT THE MUELLER REPORT IS FAKE. ( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND IT'S BEEN HOPING FOR A WHOOFING CONVERSATION ABOUT THE MUELLER REPORT. BUT, OF
178 |
179 | SAMPLE 89: <|endoftext|>START: ( APPLAUSE ) ( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF ) THEN, AFTER THE PRESIDENT'S APPOINTMENT, TRUMP TWEETED: "THE NEW START FOR OUR COUNTRY IS TO START FROM THE BACK. #FIRSTINFIRST." ( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF ) ( APPLAUSE ) TRUMP'S TWEETS SHOWED A FEW THINGS, BUT THEY WERE ALL ABOUT THE COUNTRY, AND THE COUNTRY'S PEOPLE. "THE NEW START FOR OUR COUNTRY IS TO START FROM THE BACK. #FIRSTINFIRST," "THE NEW START FOR OUR COUNTRY IS TO START FROM THE BACK," "THE NEW START FOR OUR COUNTRY IS TO START FROM THE BACK. #FIRSTINFIRST," ( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF ) ( APPLAUSE ) TRUMP'S ALSO BEEN THROWING HIS OWN ATTACKS AT THE COUNTRY'S RULERS, LIKE THE ONE HE POSTED ON HIS TWITTER PAGE THIS MORNING, "THE RUSSIANS HAVE BEEN
180 |
181 | SAMPLE 90: <|endoftext|>START: WELL, WELL, IT'S BEEN A WHILE, BUT THE TRUMP SUPPORTER BILLIONAIRE, MICHAEL COHEN, IS BACK. AND HE'S BACK WITH A BIG NEW PREDICTION. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YES, THE NEW PREDICTION IS THAT WE'LL SEE TRUMP'S IMMIGRATION POLICY BECOME THE LAW. ( LAUGHTER ) YES, THE NEW IMMIGRATION POLICY WILL BE A LAW THAT WILL MAKE IT A THIRD CITIZEN STATUS TO VOTE ON, AFTER ONLY CITIZENS 18 AND OVER. ( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NOW, TRUMP HAS BEEN HOLDING OUT ON THIS PREDICTION FOR A WHILE, BUT NOW THAT THE LAW IS IN, AND TRUMP HAS TOLD THE PRESS THAT HE WILL BE ACTING ON IT, THE PRESS HAS A HANDLE FOR IT. THEY WANT TO KNOW WHAT THE LAW IS, WHY TRUMP IS ACTING ON IT, AND WHAT HIS POSITION IS ON IT. AND THEY'RE GOING TO BE HOSTED BY A LEGAL AN
182 |
183 | SAMPLE 91: <|endoftext|>START: TODAY, WE TURN TO A MAN WHO'S BEEN HIDING HIS NAME FOR A VERY LONG TIME. IT'S FRANCIS JACKSON. HE WAS THE FIRST BLACK PERSON TO BE DEPORTED BY THE U.S.S.R. IN 1945. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND HE'S NOT THE ONLY PERSON TO BE DEPORTED. IN 1977, BLACK PEOPLE IN NORWAY WERE DEPORTED FOR THEIR NATIONALITIES. IN 1990, IN FOUR YEARS, NORWAY DEPORTED MORE PEOPLE THAN ALL OF THE OTHER G7 COUNTRIES IN THE WORLD! ( LAUGHTER ) SO IT'S NOT JUST BLACK PEOPLE IN NORWAY. IT'S ALL OVER NORWAY. IN 1990, THE NORWAY DEPARTMENT DEPORTED ONLY ONE BLACK PERSON. IN 2001, IT WASN'T JUST ONE PERSON. THERE WAS A BLACK MAN DEPORTED IN THE MORNING. ( AUDIENCE REACTS ) THAT'S A BIG DEAL.<|endoftext|>
184 |
185 | SAMPLE 92: <|endoftext|>START: (APPLAUSE).<|endoftext|>
186 |
187 | SAMPLE 93: <|endoftext|>START: I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT, AND I'M YOUR HOST, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR JOINING US LIVE FROM THE WHITE HOUSE, BECAUSE THIS WEEK, WE GOT A NEW LEAD IN THE GREAT DEBATE ABOUT THE TRUMP DEAL. AND THIS TIME, IT'S NOT ABOUT THE DEAL. THIS TIME, IT'S ABOUT THE NAME OF THE DEAL. WE'VE LEARNED SOMETHING, BECAUSE THE WHITE HOUSE JUST ANNOUNCED THAT IT WILL BE CALLED "THE WALL." AND IT'S NOT GOING TO BE ANY OF THE OTHER TERMS WE'VE HEARD ABOUT. THE WHITE HOUSE IS GOING TO CALL IT, "THE WALL." IT'S GOING TO BE A NEW NAME FOR THE ENTIRE ECONOMY, BECAUSE THE WALL IS GOING TO BE A NEW NAME FOR EVERYONE. IT'S GOING TO BE A NEW NATIONAL IDEA. THE WALL IS GOING TO BE A NEW NAME FOR THE ENTIRE COUNTRY. IT'S GOING TO BE THE NATIONAL IDEA. THE NATIONAL IDEA OF
188 |
189 | SAMPLE 94: <|endoftext|>START: THIS IS A ROUGH MORNING UPDATE ON THE TRUMP-PENCE AGREEMENT. I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN TONIGHT'S "DOIN' IT DONKEY BLUE." BUT FIRST, SOME CONFLICTS. FIRST, THERE'S THIS HUGE THREAT FROM THE LEFT, FROM THE CHIEF JUSTICE OF THE UNITED STATES COURT OF APPEAL, JAMES MATTIS, WHO IS ALSO THE CHIEF JUSTICE OF THE SIXTH CIRCUIT. AND THIS THREAT-- AND THIS IS TRUE-- THIS IS A THREAT TO THE AGREEMENT, BECAUSE MATTIS SAYS THAT, UNDER THE TRUMP AGREEMENT, "CITY-OWNED BUSINESSES WILL BE SUBJECT TO FOREIGN INFLATION, AND BUSINESSES THAT DO NOT FILE WITH THE FEDERAL LAWS WILL BE SUBJECT TO FOREIGN INFLATION AND CANADA CITIZENSHIP INFRASTRUCTURE ENFORCEMENT ACTIONS." ( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF ) THAT'S A THREAT. THAT'S A THREAT. BUT MATTIS ALSO SAYS THAT
190 |
191 | SAMPLE 95: <|endoftext|>START: ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'RE BACK. WE'VE GOT ANOTHER HUGE NEWS STORY FROM THE WHITE HOUSE. TRUMP HAS TWEETED THAT HE WILL NOT APOLOGIZE FOR HIS CALL TO FIRE FBI DIRECTOR AND MAN WHO WAS INVESTIGATING HIS RUSSIA LINK. ( LAUGHTER ) HE'S TWEETING IT OUT SORRY. HE'S TWEETING IT OUT TO SHOW THAT HE'S NOT AS KIND OF AN ASSHOLE AS SOME OF THE MEDIA ARE TALKING ABOUT HIM BEING. ( LAUGHTER ) HE'S TALKING ABOUT IT BECAUSE HE'S READ THE FIRING COMMENT OF SPECIAL COUNSEL AND MAN WHO'S INVOLVING THE RUSSIA LINK, JAMES COMEY, WHICH COMMENTS, "I HAVE READ THE COMMENT OF THE DIRECTOR OF THE F.B.I. AND I AGREE WITH HIS COMMENT, THERE IS NO COLLUSION BETWEEN THE PRESIDENT AND RUSSIA." ( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S A GOOD COMMENT. THAT'S A GOOD COMMENT.
192 |
193 | SAMPLE 96: <|endoftext|>START: YOU KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME NOW, BECAUSE I'M NOT A PRESIDENT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I'M NOT EVEN A PRESIDENT. I'M A CONSERVATIVE, AND I'M NOT EVEN SURE IF I'M EVEN GOING TO BE ONE. ( LAUGHTER ) IT'S A REAL DEPRESSION. IT'S LIKE THE DAY YOU START A NEW JOB, AND IT'S LIKE THE FIRST DAY OF SUMMER. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YOU KNOW WHAT, I'M NOT GONNA GO BACK THERE. I KNOW HOW TO GET THERE. I KNOW HOW TO GET THERE AND MAKE IT. I'M A GOOD PERSON, I'M A GOOD PERSON, AND I'M NOT GOING TO BE A PART OF IT ANYMORE. ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) I'M GOING TO BE A PART OF A NEW ONE, AND I'M GOING TO BE THE ONE WHO'S THE CHILD OF THE NEW ONE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )<|endoftext|>
194 |
195 | SAMPLE 97: <|endoftext|>START: NOW, THERE ARE SOME PEOPLE OUT THERE WHO THINK TRUMP'S A BAD PERSON. FOR INSTANCE, THIS WEEKEND, I WATCHED THE PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE'S FIRST CANDIDATE ROUND-UP, AND HE WAS NAMED "THE MAN WHO CAN'T GET ANYTHING HE WANTS TO GET RIGHT." ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT'S A GOOD QUALITY. THAT'S A GOOD QUALITY, BECAUSE THE ONLY PERSON WHO CAN'T GET ANYTHING RIGHT IS DONALD TRUMP. ( LAUGHTER ) AND I'M NOT SURE HE'S READ THE NEW BOOK, "THE MAN WHO CAN'T GET ANYTHING WRONG." ( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF ) I'M NOT SURE. I'M NOT SURE.<|endoftext|>
196 |
197 | SAMPLE 98: <|endoftext|>START: ( APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF ) YEAH. YEAH. YEAH. YEAH. YEAH. YEAH. YEAH. YEAH. YEAH. YEAH. YEAH. ( APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.<|endoftext|>
198 |
199 | SAMPLE 99: <|endoftext|>START: WHAT'S HAPPENING? ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF ) WELL, THERE'S BEEN A LOT OF NEWS THIS WEEK. THE PRESIDENT HAS BEEN IN JAPAN. HE'S HAD A GREAT TIME. HE'S BEEN OUTSIDE OF TEL AVIV FOR TWO WEEKS, AND HE'S BEEN OUTSIDE OF TEL AVIV, BECAUSE THE JAPANESE GOVERNMENT HAS BEEN ACTING LIKE A FINGER IN THE DARK, AND THE PRESIDENT HAS BEEN CALLING IT A "NATIONAL EMERGENCY." AND IT'S REALLY BEEN A NATIONAL EMERGENCY BECAUSE, AS YOU KNOW, THE JAPANESE GOVERNMENT HAS BEEN HOLDING OUT ON TRUMP FOR YEARS, BECAUSE THEY THOUGHT HE WOULD BE GOOD AT CHOPPING UP MILITARY TRAGEDY. BUT HE'S STILL NOT THERE. AND THIS MORNING HE WAS IN A ROOM WITH HIS FAMILY. ( LAUGHTER ) HE WAS EXCITED TO BE PART OF THE DAY, BUT THEN THE PRESIDENT
200 |
201 | SAMPLE 100: <|endoftext|>START: (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).<|endoftext|>
202 |
203 | SAMPLE 101: <|endoftext|>START: JON BATISTE AND THE GIANT HORSES! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'RE BACK! WE'RE BACK! WE'RE BACK! WE'RE BACK. WE'RE BACK! WE'RE BACK. ( PIANO RIFF ) AND THE GIANT HORSES ARE HERE. AND WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.<|endoftext|>
204 |
205 | SAMPLE 102: <|endoftext|>START: (APPLAUSE). (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) (LAUGHTER).<|endoftext|>
206 |
207 | SAMPLE 103: <|endoftext|>START: ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THANK YOU VERY MUCH! WELCOME TO THE SHOW. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'RE JUST GETTING STARTED. WE JUST GOT STARTED WITH THE ELECTION, WHICH IS A LITTLE BIT OF ANGER RIGHT THERE. ( LAUGHTER ) BUT IT'S ALSO THE SAME THING THAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT IN NEW YORK CITY. AND IT'S A BIG ONE, BECAUSE, YESTERDAY, A MAN IN A T-SHIRT WALKED INTO AN OFFICE AND TOLD THE OFFICERS TO STOP WORKING. AND THE OFFICERS WERE SO MAD AT THE MAN THAT THEY CALLED THE POLICE. ( LAUGHTER ) SO, NOW, THE MAN IS OUT OF A LIFESTYLE. BUT HE'S STILL OUT $300. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.<|endoftext|>
208 |
209 | SAMPLE 104: <|endoftext|>START: WE'RE BACK. WE'RE BACK. WE'RE BACK. WE'RE BACK FROM THE END. WE'RE BACK FROM THE END. WE'RE BACK WITH MORE BREAKING NEWS FROM THE TRUMP WHITE HOUSE. AND WE'VE GOT A NEW GUEST, DONALD TRUMP. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) DONKEY CHIRP. DONKEY CHIRP. DONALD TRUMP IS A BIG FAN OF THE "LATE SHOW." AND HE'S BEEN THROUGH A LIFETIME OF THIS BECAUSE, YESTERDAY, HE HELD A PRESS CONFERENCE WITH THE EDITORS OF THE NEW YORK TIMES, AND HE SPEAKED ABOUT HIS VIEW OF THE NEWS. HE THREATENED TO HACK THE NEWS MEDIA. I THINK IT'S HARMFUL TO BE A HUMAN BEING. IT HURTS THE HUMAN BEING. AND IT HURTS THE HUMAN BEING'S FAMILY TO KNOW THAT THEY'RE GOING TO BE HACKED BY SOME BASTARD. ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) AND THIS MORNING, TRUMP HELD A PRESS CONFERENCE WITH THE
210 |
211 | SAMPLE 105: <|endoftext|>START: WELL, I WANT TO SAY SOMETHING RIGHT NOW TO EVERYBODY OUT THERE. I KNOW I'VE GOT SOME PEOPLE I CAN TALK ABOUT. I MEAN, I'M A HUGE FAN OF "THE Bachelorette," AND I HAD TO SEE IT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND I'M A HUGE FAN OF "THE Bachelorette," AND I HAVEN'T BEEN THIS PLEASED WITH A BACHELORETTE SINGLE WEEK. ( LAUGHTER ) AND I'M NOT THE ONLY PERSON WHO FEELS THAT WAY. A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE FEELING THAT WAY. I MEAN, I'VE BEEN ON THE F.B.I., AND THEY'RE SAYING I MADE A FALSE STATEMENT TO COURT, AND THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED. I MADE A FALSE STATEMENT TO COURT. AND I'M NOT SURE HOW THEY GOT THAT INFORMATION FROM ME. BUT THEY ARE SAYING, THEY'RE SAYING, I MADE A MISCONCEPTION. ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ). AND I'M LIKE, I'VE GOT
212 |
213 | SAMPLE 106: <|endoftext|>START: THE BATTLE FOR TRUMP'S SUPPORT IS HILLARY CLINTON'S. ( LAUGHTER ) SHE'S GOT THE SUPPORT FROM THE LEAST REPUBLICAN PARTY IN AMERICA. THE ONLY REPUBLICAN PARTY THAT HAS A POLL THAT SAYS THEY'RE GOING TO VOTE FOR TRUMP IS THE REPUBLICANS. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF ) AND THAT POLL IS RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE. THE ONLY OTHER REPUBLICAN PARTY WITH A POLL SAYING THEY'RE GOING TO VOTE FOR TRUMP IS THE REPUBLICANS. AND THAT POLL IS RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE-- THE ONLY OTHER REPUBLICAN PARTY WITH A POLL SAYING THEY'RE GOING TO VOTE FOR TRUMP IS THE REPUBLICANS. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF ) THE REPUBLICANS HAVE A LOT OF RUDDER, BUT THE ONLY REPUBLICANS WITH A POLL SAYING THEY'RE GOING TO VOTE FOR TRUMP ARE THE REPUBLICANS. ( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF ) (
214 |
215 | SAMPLE 107: <|endoftext|>START: NOW, I KNOW SOMEONE IS GOING TO SAY, "BUT TRUMP'S NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO'S TALKING ABOUT HILLARY. SHE'S ALSO TALKING ABOUT TRUMP." YES. SHE'S TALKING ABOUT TRUMP TONIGHT, AND SHE'S NOT SURE HOW MUCH HE'LL LIKE HER. I'M NOT SURE. SHE SAYS HE'S "A GOOD MAN, BUT I DO HAVE TO SAY HE ISN'T THE SAME SINCE HE GOT ELECTED." ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) SHE'S NOT SURE. SHE'S NOT SURE. BUT SHE SAYS HE'S "SLEEPY AND HAPPY" NOW THAT HE'S NO LONGER THE FATHER OF TWO PHILANTHROPISTS. ( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF ) SHE SAYS HE'LL BE "A GOOD MAN TO WORK WITH." ( LAUGHTER ) HE'S NOT A BAD MAN. HE'S NOT A BAD MAN AT ALL. HE'S A GOOD MAN TO WORK WITH. ( APPLAUSE ) HE'S A GOOD MAN TO WORK WITH. HE
216 |
217 | SAMPLE 108: <|endoftext|>START: THE PRESIDENT IS IN A GOOD POSITION. HE IS NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO IS IN A BAD POSITION. WE ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE "DELAY-OUT" RULE, WHERE PEOPLE ARE STILL TALKING ABOUT HOW TO GET TRUMP OUT OF THE WAY. AND THE ONLY WAY TO DO THAT IS TO MAKE HIM STOP BEING PRESIDENT. AND THAT'S WHAT THE REPUBLICANS ARE DOING. IN THE SENATE, FORMER REPUBLICAN AND MAN WHO HAS BEEN CALLING TRUMP A "LONE RAPIST," JOHN KERRY, IS RUNNING TO REPLACE DON ROSE. AND HE HAS A GREAT PLAN B. KERRY SAYS TRUMP HAS BEEN "SUBVERTING HIS OWN POSITION." ( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S TRUE. TRUMP IS A LONE RAPIST, AND KERRY SAYS HE'LL BE "HANDING OFF HIS CAMPAIGN TO A FEW MORE REPUBLICANS." AND I'M NOT SURE WHAT FOUR MORE YEARS THAT TRUMP WILL BE THE LEADER OF THE FREE WORLD. ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) THAT'S RIGHT!
218 |
219 | SAMPLE 109: <|endoftext|>START: ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU SO MUCH. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THANK YOU SO MUCH!<|endoftext|>
220 |
221 | SAMPLE 110: <|endoftext|>START: JON BATISTE AND KATE LETHAL WEISS ARE HERE. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) AND WELL, IT IS FRIDAY. WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. BUT FIRST, A SPECIAL THANK YOU TO MY GOOD FRIEND, THE LATE SHOW HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) YOU KNOW, IT'S FRIDAY. IT'S FRIDAY. IT'S FRIDAY. (LAUGHTER) YOU KNOW, IT'S FRIDAY. IT'S FRIDAY.<|endoftext|>
222 |
223 | SAMPLE 111: <|endoftext|>START: THIS IS A BIG DAY FOR THE NATIONAL PARK SERVICE. THE NATIONAL PARK SERVICE HAS BEEN IN THE MIDDLE OF A HUGE PRANK. THE NATIONAL PARK SERVICE HAS BEEN TRYING TO GET PEOPLE TO DRIVE ON THE HIGHWAY TO THEIR POOLS. AND THIS MORNING, THE PARK SERVICE ANNOUNCED THAT THEY'D BE DRIVING PEOPLE TO THEIR POOLS BY DRINKING A LOT OF MARIJUANA. AND THIS MORNING, THE NATIONAL PARK SERVICE ANNOUNCED THAT THEY'D BE DRIVING PEOPLE TO THEIR POOLS BY DRINKING A LOT OF MARIJUANA. AND THIS TIME, THE DRIVERS WERE ALL WHITE. AND THE NATIONAL PARK SERVICE IS SO MAD AT THIS, THEY'VE GOT A PROMISE. IF YOU WANT TO SEE YOUR POOL, YOU HAVE TO DRIVE ON THE HIGHWAY TO THE NATIONAL PARK. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) AND THIS IS A BIG DAY FOR THE NATIONAL PARK SERVICE. THE NATIONAL PARK SERVICE HAS BEEN TRYING TO GET PEOPLE TO DRIVE ON THE HIGHWAY TO THEIR POOLS. AND THIS MORNING, THE NATIONAL PARK SERVICE
224 |
225 | SAMPLE 112: <|endoftext|>START: THE END OF THE WORLD IS NINE MONTHS AWAY, AND THE WORLD'S FINEST PEOPLE ARE ALL GONE. THEY'RE MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND AND THE REST OF THE WORLD IS GONE, AND THE ONLY PEOPLE IN THE WORLD WHO ARE STILL HAVING FUN ARE THE MALE GENERALS. ( LAUGHTER ) AND THIS YEAR, THERE ARE MORE MALE GENERALS MOVING TO THE UNITED STATES THAN EVER BEFORE. ( LAUGHTER ) AND THE ONLY WAY TO STOP THEM IS FOR MALE GENERALS TO CHANGE THEIR NAMES. SO NOW ALL THE GENE'S WHO ARE NOT MALE GENERALS HAVE TO CHANGE THEIR NAMES TO BE MORE INFORMAL AND CUTE. ( APPLAUSE ) THAT'S A GOOD IDEA. THAT'S A GOOD IDEA, MALE GENERALS. YOU'LL NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN. YOU'LL NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN. ( APPLAUSE ) AND THE ONLY PEOPLE IN AMERICA WHO CAN'T CHANGE THEIR NAME ARE WOMEN, SO NOW THEY HAVE TO CHANGE THEIR NAMES TO BE MORE CUTE AND SELFISH. AND
226 |
227 | SAMPLE 113: <|endoftext|>START: ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YOU KNOW WHAT I LOVE? WHEN PEOPLE SAY THEY'RE NOT INTO IT. WHEN PEOPLE SAY THEY'RE NOT INTO IT, I SAY TO THEM, "STOP SAYING YOU'RE NOT INTO IT." ( LAUGHTER ) YOU KNOW WHAT I LOVE MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD, IS WHEN PEOPLE SAY, "I'M NOT INTO IT." I SAY, "YOU'VE GOT TO STOP SAYING IT."<|endoftext|>
228 |
229 | SAMPLE 114: <|endoftext|>START: THIS IS THE WEEKEND WE'RE TALKING ABOUT, THE BIG WEEKEND IN AMERICA WHERE EVERYONE IS LOOKING FOR AN EXCITEMENT LEVEL OF EXCITEMENT TO BE LIVING IN THE SUMMER. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT'S RIGHT, EVERYONE IS LOOKING FOR AN EXCITEMENT LEVEL OF EXCITEMENT, RIGHT? ( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S EXCITEMENT! THAT IS EXCITEMENT! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND THIS YEAR, THE SHOW'S GOING TO BE ABOUT A LOT OF THINGS: THE TRUMP SUPPORTER BUST, DONALD TRUMP'S FOREIGN LOBBYING, THE IMPEACHMENT BATTLE, AND, OF COURSE, HIS FINGER BANGING. ( LAUGHTER ) AND THIS YEAR, THE SHOW'S GOING TO BE ABOUT A LOT OF THINGS: THE TRUMP SUPPORTER BUST, DONALD TRUMP'S FOREIGN LOBBYING, THE IMPEACHMENT BATTLE, AND, OF COURSE, HIS FINGER BANGING. ( LAUGHTER ) AND THIS YEAR,
230 |
231 | SAMPLE 115: <|endoftext|>START: THIS IS THE WEEKEND, AND WE ALL LOVE THE WEEKEND. IT'S THE TIME OF YEAR WHEN EVERYBODY IS OUT AND ABOUT, DRINKING, AND GETTING CRAZY. BUT THIS YEAR, WE GOT SOME NEWS THAT REALLY COULD ROCK YOUR WORLD. WE'VE LEARNED THAT THE WORLD'S LEAST POWERFUL MAN IS... A LITTLE BIT STRONG. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) YESTERDAY, WE LEARNED THAT ONE MAN'S STRENGTH IS HIS WEIGHT. WE'VE BEEN LEARNING FOR YEARS THAT ONE PERSON'S WEIGHT IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN HIS WISDOM. AND TODAY WE LEARNED THAT ONE PERSON'S WEIGHT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING THAT HE'S POSSIBLY ACTUALLY POSSESSED. WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.<|endoftext|>
232 |
233 | SAMPLE 116: <|endoftext|>START: WHAT'S GOING ON OUT THERE? (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) WE'RE IN THE MIDTERMS OF THE PRESIDENT'S "WALL" RALLY. AND I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU BUT I LOVE THE WAY THE WALL LOOKS. (LAUGHTER) I'M A BIG "WALL" RALSO. (LAUGHTER) IT'S LIKE THE BIG, BIG, BIG, BIGGER, BIG, BIG, BIG, BIG, BIG, BIG, BIG "WALL." (LAUGHTER) IT'S LIKE THE BIG "WALL." IT'S LIKE THE BIG, BIG, BIG, BIG, BIG, BIG, BIG, BIG, BIG, BIG, BIG, BOOOORING, "WALL." IT'S LIKE THE BIG, BIG, BIG, BIG, BOOOORING, "WALL." (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) THAT'S GOOD. THAT'S GOOD. THAT'S GOOD. THAT IS GOOD. THAT IS GOOD. THAT IS GOOD. THAT IS GOOD. THAT IS A GREAT RALLY, BECAUSE IT'S THE FIRST TIME THIS YEAR THAT THE WHITE HOUSE HAS
234 |
235 | SAMPLE 117: <|endoftext|>START: I THINK WE'VE ALL HEARD by now, "THE END IS NEAR." I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS. IT'S A LONG, LONG TIME AWAY. IT'S SO LONG, I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN SAY THE SAME THING IN ENGLISH. ( LAUGHTER ) WELL, WE'VE ALL GOT SOME GOOD NEWS TO GATHER BY, RIGHT? WE'VE ALL GOT SOME GOOD NEWS TO GATHER BY, RIGHT? WE'VE ALL GOT SOME GOOD NEWS TO GATHER BY, RIGHT? WE'VE ALL GOT SOME GOOD NEWS TO GATHER BY, RIGHT? WE'VE ALL GOT SOME GOOD NEWS TO GATHER BY, RIGHT? ( APPLAUSE ) WE'VE GOT SOME GOOD NEWS TO GATHER BY, BECAUSE THE PRESIDENT IS HERE TO GIVE IT TO YOU. WE'VE GOT SOME GOOD NEWS TO GATHER BY, BECAUSE THE President IS HERE TO GIVE IT TO YOU. WE'VE GOT SOME GOOD NEWS TO GATHER BY, BECAUSE THE PRESIDENT HAS ANNOUNCED A $1.5 TRILLION INVESTMENT TO DEVELOP A NEW
236 |
237 | SAMPLE 118: <|endoftext|>START: IF YOU'RE NOT USED TO IT, WE'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN THIS PODCAST. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WELL, IT'S A NEW DAY. IT'S A NEW DAY. IT'S A NEW DAY FOR AMERICA. WE'VE JUST BEEN THROUGH A LOT OF HARD WORK. AND IT'S FINALLY TIME TO GET BACK TO WORK. AND WE'LL START OFF THE SHOW WITH A SPECIAL. IT'S FROM THE WEBSITE, "LATE SHOW." ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. BUT FIRST, A SPECIAL. WE JUST LEARNED THAT A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE CONCERNED ABOUT THE MAN IN THE WHITE SUPREMACIST T-SHIRT. AND WE'VE GOT A GREAT NEWS STORY FOR YOU TONIGHT. IT'S FROM THE WEBSITE, "LATE SHOW." ( LAUGHTER ) WE'VE JUST LEARNED THAT A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE CONCERNED ABOUT THE MAN IN THE WHITE SUPREMACIST T-SHIRT. AND, WE JUST LEARNED THAT A LOT OF
238 |
239 | SAMPLE 119: <|endoftext|>START: (LAUGHTER). (APPLAUSE). NOW, TRUMP HAS BEEN CALLING FOR A "COMPATIBLE" DEAL WITH THE MEDS, BUT HE'S NOT THE ONLY ONE. RIGHT NOW, WE'RE GETTING A NEW REVELATION ABOUT THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN. IT'S COMING FROM THE WHITE HOUSE. AND IT'S BEEN CONFIRMED THAT THE WHITE HOUSE IS WORKING TO REDUCE THE MEDICARE COVERAGE FOR THE FOLLOWING INDIVIDUALS: CHILDREN, THE Aged, THE PREGNANT AND THE WEARING WOMAN. (APPLAUSE). NOW, THE MEDICAID COVERAGE FOR CHILDREN IS THE LARGEST IT HAS EVER BEEN, AT $6,000. NOW, THIS IS TRUE. A LOT OF CHILDREN'S COVERAGE IS $6,000. BUT, THE MEDICAID COVERAGE FOR AGE GROUP CHILDREN IS AVAILABLE FOR $3,000, AND FOR WOMEN UNDER 30, IT'S $2,000. AND, FOR THE VERY PRETTY LITTLE CHILDREN, THE COVERAGE
240 |
241 | SAMPLE 120: <|endoftext|>START: WE'RE BACK. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT'S FRIDAY, AND WE'VE ALL BEEN THROUGH THE WORST OF IT. WE'VE ALL BEEN THROUGH THE THING, BUT NOT AS MUCH AS YOU. WELL, WE'VE ALL BEEN THROUGH IT. WE'VE ALL BEEN THROUGH IT. WE'VE ALL BEEN THROUGH IT, BUT WE'VE ALL GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT!<|endoftext|>
242 |
243 | SAMPLE 121: <|endoftext|>START: THE PRESIDENT IS IN THE MIDDLE OF A BIG WEEKEND AT THE WHITE HOUSE. AND HE'S BEEN HAVING A LOT OF FUN. ON SUNDAY, HE HELD A RALLY IN THE SENATE ROOM, AND THE AUDIENCE REACTED TO THE RALLY LIKE A BABY KID GETTING HIS FIRST RIDE. ( LAUGHTER ) AND TRUMP HAD SOME GOOD THOUGHTS. FIRST, HE SAID, "I WANT TO SAY, TO EVERYONE HERE, THANK YOU. YOU'RE BEING A FANATIC, FANATIC, FANTASTIC FANS OF OUR COUNTRY RIGHT NOW. AND YOU KNOW WHO IS BEING THE WORST? THE REPUBLICANS IN THE HOUSE. AND THEY'RE BEING RUINED BY REPUBLICAN CONSTABLISTS. AND YOU KNOW WHAT? THEY SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN IN THE HOUSE. THEY SHOULD HAVE BEEN OUT OF THERE. YOU KNOW WHO SHOULDN'T BE IN THE HOUSE? THE REPUBLICANS. AND YOU KNOW WHO SHOULD BE IN THERE? THE REPUBLICANS THAT DON'T WANT TO TALK TO THE REPUBLICANS
244 |
245 | SAMPLE 122: <|endoftext|>START: I MEAN, YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN TRYING TO GET THIS STORY OUT FOR YEARS. BUT THIS WEEKEND, IT HAPPENED. A GROUP OF LEADERS OF THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY IN THE UK, THE NOMINEE COUNCIL, HAD A BIG MEETING. IT WAS HUGE, AND WE ALL HAD TO GO. AND THE BIGGEST REACTION I RECOGNIZE WAS FROM A DEMOCRAT WHO WAS IN THE BACK OF THE ROOM: "I'M GOING TO GO TO JAIL FOR THIS!" ( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND THAT WAS IT. NO REACTION. NO EXCITEMENT. NOT A SINGLE THING. SO I WAS EXCITED TO SEE WHAT HAPPENED WHEN THE DEMOCRATS GOT TO THE COUNCIL. AND IT HAPPENED. THE NOMINEE COUNCIL CAME OUT WITH THEIR FINAL REPORT, AND IT WAS HUGE. AND IT WAS SO HUGE, IN FACT, IT'S A FEW PAGES LONG. AND I JUST WANT TO SAY, THIS IS THE FIRST
246 |
247 | SAMPLE 123: <|endoftext|>START: NOW, THERE'S SOME HOPE. TRUMP HAS BEEN WORKING TO HIDE HIS ALLEGATIONS OF RUSSIA'S INTERFERENCE WITH THE 2016 ELECTION, BUT ON SUNDAY HE ANNOUNCED A $10 MILLION INVESTMENT TO DEVELOP A "COMPETITIVE, UNIQUE, AND FLEXIBILITY FOR ELECTRONIC AND HARDWARE DEVELOPMENT." THIS IS A BIG DEAL. THE COMPETITIVE DEVELOPMENT MEANS THAT, IN THE EVENT OF AN ELECTION DEBATE, WE WILL HAVE A NEW PRESIDENT. WE WILL NOT HAVE HILLARY CLINTON. WE WILL NOT HAVE JEFF BIDEN, BUT WE WILL HAVE A PRESIDENT WHO WILL BE "FLEXIBILITY FOR ELECTRONIC AND HARDWARE DEVELOPMENT." ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT'S HUGE! I'M SO EXCITED. I HOPE WE GET TO WORK ON THAT, BECAUSE I'LL BE HOLDING A PRESS CONFERENCE WITH TRUMP TO SHOW OFF HIS NEW DEVELOPMENT! ( LAUGHTER ) AND IT'S NOT JUST THE $10 MILL
248 |
249 | SAMPLE 124: <|endoftext|>START: NOW, I'M NOT THE ONLY PERSON WITH A BIG PROBLEM WITH THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION. A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE, BUT SOME ARE MORE POIGNANT THAN THE OTHER. FOR INSTANCE, THE PRESIDENT'S CAMPAIGN MANAGER AND PRODUCER OF HIS OWN PROMOTION, MIKE PENCE, HAS BEEN HELD IN FORMERLY-BANNED RUSSIA TIES. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND NOW, THE ADMINISTRATION'S DIRECTOR OF PUBLICLY-SURVIVED INFORMATION, AND MAN IN THE MIDDLE OF A HUGE PROBLEM, MIKE PENCE, HAS DECLARED THAT THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN IS NOT GOING TO BE RUN ANY LONGER. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT IS, UNTIL THE NEXT PRESIDENT IS ELECTED, AND THEN THE NEXT PRESIDENT'S ADMINISTRATION DECLARES THAT THE CAMPAIGN IS NOT GOING TO BE RUN ANY LONGER. THAT IS A BIG DEAL, AND IT IS A HUGE DEAL, BECAUSE THE PRESIDENT CANNOT HAVE TWO CAMPA
250 |
251 | SAMPLE 125: <|endoftext|>START: JON BATISTE AND THE GIANT ROCK BAND "THE ROCK" ARE BACK! AND THIS TIME, THE SHOW IS ON VH1! (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) WE'RE GETTING A NEW EPISODE, "STARTING TODAY!" (LAUGHTER) AND IT'S A NEW EPISODE CALLED "STARTING TODAY." IT'S THE SAME EPISODE THAT WE GOT LAST WEEK. BUT THIS TIME, THE GUY WHO PLAYED ROCK BAND THE ROCK IS STILL THERE. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) AND HE'S ALSO PLAYING A GUY WHO IS ALSO A ROCK BAND! AND THIS GUY IS JUST THE HEAD OF ROCK BAND THE ROCK! (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) AND THIS GUY IS THE HEAD OF ROCK BAND, AND ALSO THE GUARDIAN OF ROCK. SO THIS GUY HAS SOME REALLY BIG DIFFERENT THINKS ABOUT ROCK AND ROCK BAND. AND THIS GUY HAS SOME REALLY BIG THINKS ABOUT ROCK AND ROCK BAND! (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) AND HE'S ALSO PLAYING THE GUY WHO'S ALSO THE
252 |
253 | SAMPLE 126: <|endoftext|>START: TODAY'S "THE LATE SHOW." I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) WELL, WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. BUT FIRST, THE BIG STORY OF THE DAY. THE PRESIDENT HAS BEEN FIRED FROM HIS OWN PROMISES, AND IT IS SET TO TAKE PLACE IN COURT. AND IT IS BEING BECAUSE, AS WE ALL KNOW FROM HISTORY, THERE ARE NO GOOD MEN LEFT TO RUN THE WORLD'S PROMISES. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) NOW, THE PROMISES ARE SET FOR THE END OF THE WEEK. BUT THERE IS ONE PROMISE THE PRESIDENT HAS GONE FOR: THE RIGHT TO RUN HIS OWN CAMPAIGN. WELL, IT'S TRUE. THE WHITE HOUSE HAS BEEN IN TALKS FOR A WHILE ABOUT RUNNING ITS OWN CAMPAIGN. BUT THE PRESIDENT HAS ALWAYS SAID, "I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS, I DON'T WANT TO DO THAT. I WANT TO BE A PRESIDENT WHO'S IN CHARGE OF HIS PEOPLE." AND THAT'S WHAT HE'S
254 |
255 | SAMPLE 127: <|endoftext|>START: THIS IS FRIDAY. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT'S FRIDAY. IT'S FRIDAY. IT'S FRIDAY. IT IS. AND IT'S ALSO FRIDAY. AND IT'S ALSO FRIDAY. IT IS FRIDAY. IT IS. AND IT'S ALSO FRIDAY. AND IT IS FRIDAY. AND IT IS FRIDAY, BUT IT'S FRIDAY, EVEN WHEN THE SUN IS DOWN. IT IS FRIDAY, EVEN WHEN THE SUN IS DOWN. AND WHEN THE SUN IS DOWN, IT'S A LITTLE BIT LESS HOT. AND WHEN THE SUN IS DOWN, IT'S A LITTLE LESS HOT. BUT IT IS FRIDAY, EVEN WHEN THE SUN IS UP. AND WHEN THE SUN IS UP, IT'S A LITTLE LESS HOT. BUT IT IS FRIDAY EVEN WHEN THE SUN IS DOWN. AND WHEN THE SUN IS DOWN, IT'S A LOT LESS HOT. BUT IT IS FRIDAY EVEN WHEN THE SUN IS UP. AND WHEN THE SUN IS UP, IT'S A LITTLE
256 |
257 | SAMPLE 128: <|endoftext|>START: (APPLAUSE) WE'RE BACK! WE'RE BACK FROM THE WEEKEND. AND WE'RE BACK WITH MORE OF THE BEST OF THE WEEKEND FROM THE MUSEUM OF SCANDAL, THE MUSEUM OF HISTORY. AND WE'RE BACK. SO LET'S START WITH SOME HISTORIC NEWS. LAST NIGHT, A GROUP OF MEXICAN WOMEN WON A HUGE BILLION DOLLAR BILLIONAIRE IN A RALLY TO PROTECT THEIR RIGHTS. THAT IS A LOT OF DOLLAR. THAT'S A LOT OF DOLLAR. (LAUGHTER) THAT IS A LOT OF DOLLAR. AND THE MEXICAN WOMEN WHO WON THAT $1.3 TRILLION ARE ALSO FIGHTING TO HAVE THEIR RIGHTS PROTECTED AGAIN. SO THIS WEEKEND, THEY WON BIG NEWS. THE PRESIDENT IS PUSHING FOR A NEW RULING THAT WILL PROTECT MEXICAN WOMEN'S RIGHT TO MAKE THEIR OWN MIXED DRINKS AND TO HAVE THEIR OWN CULTURE. AND THE PRESIDENT'S PROMISE IS THAT THIS WILL ALL BECOME A THING OF THE LATER
258 |
259 | SAMPLE 129: <|endoftext|>START: ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WELL, IT'S SEASON FOUR OF THE "AMERICA'S NEXT PRESIDENT." AND THIS TIME, IT'S DONALD TRUMP. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND IT'S BEEN A ROUGH SEASON FOR THE NATION'S FIRST PUNDIT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT'S BEEN A ROUGH SEASON FOR THE NATION'S FIRST PUNDIT. BECAUSE, AS WE ALL KNOW, DONALD TRUMP IS A LOSER THAN A LADY IN A ROTTING ROOM. HE IS A LOSER THAN A ROTTING ROOM BECAUSE HIS MOUTH IS FULL OF SHAME AND DISHONESTNESS. HE IS A LOSER THAN A ROTTING ROOM BECAUSE HE IS NOT A REAL ESTATE MAN. HE IS A LOSER THAN A ROTTING ROOM BECAUSE HE IS NOT A REAL ESTATE MAN. ( LAUGHTER ) HE IS A REAL ESTATE MAN. ( APPLAUSE ) HE IS A REAL EST
260 |
261 | SAMPLE 130: <|endoftext|>START: TODAY WE LEARNED THAT ONE OF TRUMP'S CAMPAIGN STAFF WAS A MAN WHO CLAIMS HE'S A "CANNONEER" AND HAS A "CANDY STICK" IN HIS HANDS. (LAUGHTER) THAT IS A CANDY STICK. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) THAT IS A CANDY STICK. THAT IS A CANDY STICK. (LAUGHTER) IT'S A CANDY STICK, AND I'M PRETTY SURE IT'S NOT A BONE FRIDAY. (LAUGHTER) IT'S NOT A FRIDAY FRIDAY FRIDAY, IT'S A CANDY FRIDAY. (LAUGHTER) I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S JUST A FAKE PHOTO, BUT I THINK IT LOOKS LIKE A CANDY FRIDAY.<|endoftext|>
262 |
263 | SAMPLE 131: <|endoftext|>START: GOOD EVENING. I'M STEPHEN COLBERT. IT'S FRIDAY. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE). WE'RE JUST TALKING ABOUT IT, OF COURSE. BUT THIS WEEK, THE PRESIDENT HAD A BIG ANNOUNCEMENT. HE HAD A BIG ANNOUNCEMENT ABOUT OUR GOVERNMENT. HE'S CALLING IT THE "STRATEGY." AND IT'S BEEN A STRATEGY FOR SEVERAL YEARS. IT'S THE STRATEGY THAT WE HAVE BEEN WORKING ON, BECAUSE THE GOVERNMENT HAS NOT BEEN THE SAME FOR SEVEN YEARS. WE HAVE A PRESIDENT WHO DOES NOT WANT TO PAY HIS TAXES, AND WE HAVE NO PLAN B. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) WE HAVE A PRESIDENT WHO IS NOT EVEN A SURE MAN. I DON'T THINK THERE IS ANYONE OUT THERE WHO IS A SURE MAN. I DON'T KNOW ONE WHO. I DON'T KNOW ONE. AND THE STRATEGY IS THAT WE'LL START FROM A PRE-CONCESSIONAL POINT, AND WE'LL WORK OUR WAY UP.
264 |
265 | SAMPLE 132: <|endoftext|>START: THE PRESIDENT IS HERE, AND HE HAS SOME VERY IMPORTANT NEWS TO REPORT. FIRST, HE HAS ANNOUNCED THE DEPARTMENT OF DEFENSE WILL BE ENDORSEING ITS CEREMONIES WITH A FERMENT OF PUMPKIN. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) OH, MY GOSH. IT'S LIKE THEY'RE GIVING A BARBECUE TO A BARBECUE. IT'S JUST PUMPKIN. (LAUGHTER) AND IT'S GOING TO BE A REAL FUEL-INSPIRED PROCESS, SO IT'S GOING TO BE REALLY HARD TO FIND A GOOD BARBECUE. (LAUGHTER) IT'S GOING TO BE LIKE A BARBER SHOP. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO GET THE FUEL FROM THERE. (LAUGHTER) AND IT WILL BE A FUEL-INSPIRED PROCESS, SO THERE WILL BE NO FUEL FROM THE MILITARY BECAUSE THEY ARE STILL IN THE BUS. AND IT WILL BE A FUEL-INSPIRED PROCESS
266 |
267 | SAMPLE 133: <|endoftext|>START: THE WORLD CAME TO AN END. IT IS THE END OF A LONG AND HONESTLY HONORED HISTORY. IT IS ALSO AN ENDING OF A LONG AND HONORABLE HISTORY OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. THE WORLD CAME TO AN END. THE WORLD CAME TO AN END. WE ALL KNOW THIS, BUT IT IS SO TRUE. WELL, WE GOT TO GET THROUGH IT. THE WORLD CAME TO AN END, AND IT WAS A GREAT DAY. WE GOT TO GET THROUGH IT. WE GOT TO GET THROUGH IT. WE GOT TO GET THROUGH IT. WE GOT TOGET THROUGH IT. THE WORLD CAME TO AN END. IT IS THE END OF A GREAT, HONORABLE, LONG AND HONORED HISTORY, AND IT'S A GREAT DAY FOR AMERICAN INDIVIDUALS. IT MEANS THAT OUR PEOPLE ARE GETTING A GOOD JOB. WE'RE GETTING A GOOD JOB. WE GOT A GOOD JOB, WE'RE GETTING A GOOD JOB. WE'VE GOT A GREAT, HONORABLE, HONORABLE DAY. WE'RE GETTING A GREAT DAY. WE'VE
268 |
269 | SAMPLE 134: <|endoftext|>START: WE'RE TALKING. (LAUGHTER) WE'RE TALKING. WE'RE ALL TALKING ABOUT TRUMP. HE HAS BEEN THE MOST DISASTEROUS PERSON IN THE WORLD. I'M SO TIRED I'M FEELING ALL SAD. HE'S THE MOST DISTURBING PERSON IN THE WORLD. HE'S A LITTERING, LITTERING, LITTERING, LITTERING, LITTERING, DISTURBING MAN. HE IS A LITTERING, LITTERING, LITTERING, LITTERING MAN. HE'S LIKE A MUSHROOM, BUT HE'S A REAL, LIVE MUSHROOM. HE'S A MUSHROOM, AND A REAL LIVE MUSHROOM. AND HE'S A FINE, FAMOUS MAN. HE'S A FINE MAN. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) AND HE'S A REAL LIVE FINE MAN. AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN TO ME, BUT I WILL BE HOLDING HIS CELEBRITIES IN MY
270 |
271 | SAMPLE 135: <|endoftext|>START: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE NEW BOOK "DONALD TRUMP'S MARRIAGE"? I'M PRETTY SURE IT'S NOT THE ONE HE SAID HE WAS GOING TO PUBLISH, BUT IT'S THE ONE THAT'S BEEN PUBLISHED BY A FOREIGN PRESS. IT'S A VERY GOOD BOOK. I'M PRETTY SURE IT'S NOT THE SAME ONE THAT TRUMP PUBLISHED. IT'S THE ONE WITH THE SAME TITLE. IT'S A VERY GOOD BOOK. BUT IT'S NOT PUBLISHED BY THE TRUMP FAMILY. IT'S PUBLISHED BY A NEW FOREIGN PRESS. AND I DON'T KNOW WHY. I DON'T KNOW WHY THE PRESS IS PUBLISHING THIS ONE. IT'S A VERY GOOD BOOK. BUT I DON'T KNOW IF THE PRESS IS GOING TO PUBLISH IT. I'M PRETTY SURE IT'S NOT THE ONE THAT HE PUBLISHED. IT'S THE ONE WITH "TRUMP MARRIAGE." IT'S A VERY GOOD BOOK. BUT I'M NOT SURE IF THE
272 |
273 | SAMPLE 136: <|endoftext|>START: I HOPE THIS ISN'T THE LAST TIME YOU'LL HEAR FROM ME. I'LL BE BACK TOMORROW NIGHT AT 9/8C, BUT I HAVE A GREAT NEWS STORY TO TELL. IT'S ABOUT A LITTLE BOAT. (LAUGHTER) THAT IS RIGHT, A LITTLE LITTLE BOAT. IT'S A PILOT'S LITTLE BOAT, AND IT'S BEEN ON A CURRENT TRIP TO THE MIDDLE AND SOUTH OF THE PLANET FOR THE LAST FEW YEARS. IT WAS PURCHASED FOR $8.5 MILLION BY A FOREIGN REPORTS AGENCY. THEY WANTED TO USE THIS PILOT TO SHOW THE WORLD THE REAL NATURE OF OUR EARTH AND THE FUTURE OF OUR PLANETS. THE REPORTS AGENCY WANTS TO USE IT FOR "THE BIG SCREEN" OF OUR CURRENT CONSPIRACY. YEAH. IT'S A BIG, BIG SCENE. THE PILOT IS GOING TO GO TO THE MIDDLE AND SOUTH OF THE PLANET. IT'S ALSO GOING
274 |
275 | SAMPLE 137: <|endoftext|>START: MIRACLE! ( CHEERS ) ( PIANO RIFF ) ( PIANO RIFF ) ( LAUGHTER ) WELL, WE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. BUT FIRST, A VERY SPECIAL GUEST. BRIAN KILMEADE. ( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS ) BRIAN KILMEADE IS THE MAN. HE'S THE ONE WHO PLAYED THE COUSIN WHO WAS SO MAD AT THE PRESIDENT TRUMP THAT HE CAME BACK TO THE HOUSE AND STARTED A FIRE. HE'S THE ONE WHO SAID, "YOU GUYS, I'VE GONE CRAZY! YOU GUYS, I'M NOT GOING TO BE PRESIDENT ANYMORE!" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HE WAS SO MAD AT THE TRUMP WHITE HOUSE THAT HE HAD HIS HEAD SHOT OUT THE WALL. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HE WAS SO MAD AT TRUMP THAT HE WALKED OUT ON THE PRESIDENT AND SAID, "YOU GUYS, YOU KNOW, I'VE GOT A BIG SHOW FOR YOU NEXT WEEK. YOU KNOW WHAT, I'M NOT GOING TO HAVE YOU AS PRESIDENT. I
276 |
277 | SAMPLE 138: <|endoftext|>START: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? (LAUGHTER) I'M NOT SURE. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) WELL, I'M NOT SURE. BUT IT MEANS THE DEMOCRATS ARE GETTING A NEW LEADER. (LAUGHTER) TRUMP HAS A LOT OF SUPPORT, AND IT'S BEEN A STRONG YEAR. HE HAS A LOT OF SUPPORT IN SOUTH CAROLINA, WHERE DEMOCRATS ARE TAKING OVER THE STATE SENATE, AND EVEN THE HOUSE, WHERE DEMOCRATS WON A PRIMARY BY A POLL. (LAUGHTER) (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) HE'S ALSO GOT A LOT OF SUPPORT IN NEW HAMPSHIRE, WHERE DEMOCRATS WON A PRIMARY IN THE SENATE, AND THE HOUSE. AND HE'S ALSO GOT SUPPORT IN THE MIDTERMS IN TEXAS, WHERE DEMOCRATS WON A PRIMARY, AND THE HOUSE. (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) AND, OF COURSE, TRUMP IS ALSO TAKING A VERY FEMALE HAND, WITH DEMOCRATS TAKING A
278 |
279 | SAMPLE 139: <|endoftext|>START: NOW, I KNOW YOU'RE ALL PRETTY BUSY, BUT IF YOU WERE TO LISTEN TO THE LATEST NEWS OF THE ELECTION, YOU'RE PRETTY BUSY LISTENING TO THE SOUND OF A BILLIONAIRE BERNIE SLUMP IN THE POLLS. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE). (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE). I THINK THAT'S RIGHT. HE WENT FROM POLLING IN AT 45 TO 40. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE). (AUDIENCE REACTS). HE'S GOT TO HAVE A LOT OF SUPPORT. HE'S GOT TO HAVE SOME. HE'S GOT TO HAVE SOME BECAUSE IN THE POLLS THAT ARE OUT, HE'S AT 40%. THAT'S THE LOWEST POLL POLLING RECORD EVER. THAT'S A HIGH POLL POLLING RECORD. THAT'S HIGH POLL POLLING RECORD. (LAUGHTER). THAT'S A HIGH POLL POLLING RECORD. THAT'S HIGH. (LAUGHTER) HE'S AT 40%, AND HE'S
280 |
281 | SAMPLE 140: <|endoftext|>START: ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THANK YOU.<|endoftext|>
282 |
283 | SAMPLE 141: <|endoftext|>START: THE BEGINNING OF A NEW YEAR, EVERYONE. AND THIS IS A HUGE ONE. I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE). IT'S A NEW YEAR, EVERYBODY. IT'S A NEW YEAR, EVERYBODY. (CHEERING). IT'S A NEW YEAR. EVERYBODY GETS THAT? EVERYBODY GETS THAT? (LAUGHTER). EVERYBODY GETS THAT? IT IS A NEW YEAR, EVERYBODY. EVERYBODY GETS THAT, EVERYBODY. (LAUGHTER). EVERYBODY. EVERYBODY GETS THAT. EVERYBODY. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE). EVERYBODY GETS THAT. (LAUGHTER) EVERYONE. EVERYBODY GETS THAT. EVERYBODY. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)<|endoftext|>
284 |
285 | SAMPLE 142: <|endoftext|>START: MELANIA TRUMP. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) MELANIA TRUMP, WHO JUST HAD A BIG WIN IN THE STATE OF NEW HAMPSHIRE, IS NOW HOPING TO GET SOME HELP FROM THE STATE OF MEXICO. YESTERDAY, MEXICO SENATE COUNCIL CHAIRMAN AND MAN WHO HAS BEEN TALKING ABOUT GETTING TRUMP OUT OF THE WAY, AND WHO HAS BEEN A STRONG AND HONEST TRUMP SUPPORTER, RON PAUL MANAFORT. ( LAUGHTER ) HE'S ALSO A HUGE TRUMP SUPPORTER. ( AS TRUMP ) "YOU'RE A GREAT MAN! YOU'RE A GREAT MAN!" ( APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WELL, MANAFORT HAS BEEN A HUGE TRUMP SUPPORTER FOR SOME TIME. IN THE LAST YEAR, HE'S ACTUALLY BEEN A LITTLE MORE REASONABLE, AND IN THE LAST MONTH, HE'S GONE BACK TO THE SAME SAME SOUNDING. ( LAUGHTER ) HE'S A LITTLE MORE
286 |
287 | SAMPLE 143: <|endoftext|>START: I'M TALKING ABOUT THE "MORNING IN AMERICA," THE ONE THAT'S BEEN HAVING A LOT OF RUMORS THIS WEEK. THE "MORNING IN AMERICA" STORY IS THAT THE PRESIDENT HAS DECLARED THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND THE REASON HE DOES THAT IS, WE ALL KNOW THAT THE END OF THE WORLD WILL COME. IT WILL BE LIKE THE END OF THE WORLD. WE ALL KNOW WHAT THAT IS. WE ALL KNOW WHAT THAT IS. BUT THIS MORNING, THE PRESIDENT DECLARED THAT THE WORLD WILL END WHEN THE COOLING SYSTEM BEGINS TO STOP RUNNING COST COST COOLING COST COOL COOL COOL COOL COOL COOL COOL COOL<|endoftext|>
288 |
289 | SAMPLE 144: <|endoftext|>START: WELL, WE'RE BACK. IT IS THE WEEKEND OF THE WEEKEND. WE HAVE BEEN THROUGH A LOT OF THURSDAYS THIS WEEKEND. WE GOT A LOT OF THURSDAYS. AND I DON'T WANT TO SAY ANYTHING ABOUT THEM. THEY'RE NOT GOOD. BUT I WILL SAY THAT THIS WEEKEND WE GOT SOME GOOD NEWS. THE PRESIDENT HAD HIS PHONE CALL WITH THE PRESIDENT OF THE CEREMONY OF THE CITIZENS OF NEW YORK, AND HE SAID HE WANTS TO MAKE IT A REAL THURSDAY. AND HE'S LOOKING FOR A LIFESTYLE. WELL, I DON'T WANT TO SAY ANYTHING ABOUT IT, BUT IT'S A REAL LIVABLE THURSDAY. AND WE'LL HAVE ALL THE LATEST ON THAT THURSDAY. BUT FIRST, SOME GOOD NEWS: THE PRESIDENT HAS ANNOUNCED A $1.1 BILLION IN NEW DEALS. THAT'S A LOT OF BILLION, AND IT MEANS WE'LL GET A LOT OF GOOD NEWS THIS YEAR. ( APPLAUSE ) THAT IS GOOD.<|endoftext|>
290 |
291 | SAMPLE 145: <|endoftext|>START: TODAY'S SHOW IS FROM THE TONIGHT SHOW. I'M STEPHEN COLBERT. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) IT IS FRIDAY. IT IS FRIDAY. IT IS FRIDAY. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT IS FRIDAY. IT IS FRIDAY. ( PIANO RIFF ) AND I WANT TO SAY, I'M NOT THE ONLY PERSON WHO FEELS LIKE THE PRESIDENT IS NOT AS IMPARTIAL AS HE CLAIMS. THERE'S A LOT OF PEOPLE WHO FEEL LIKE HE'S A RUSSIAN. THERE'S A LOT OF PEOPLE WHO FEEL LIKE HE'S A RUSSIAN. THERE'S A LOT OF PEOPLE WHO FEEL LIKE HE'S NOT AS IMPARTIAL AS HE CLAIMS. THERE'S JUST NOTHING. AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS, I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS, BUT I'M NOT SURE. ( APPLAUSE )<|endoftext|>
292 |
293 | SAMPLE 146: <|endoftext|>START: WE ARE TALKING ABOUT THE NEW YORK TIMES, OF ALL THINGS. THEY'RE RUNNING A STORY ABOUT HOW THE NEW YORK TIMES' C.E.O., TIM REYNOLDS, WASN'T EVEN SITTING DOWN AT THE SAME TABLE AS HIS STAFF. HE'S A FANATIC, A LOUDMAN. ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF ) AND THIS MORNING, HE WAS EXCITED TO ANNOUNCE THAT HIS STAFF WAS GOING TO BE HELD IN COMMON. ( LAUGHTER ) AND THIS MORNING, THE NEW YORK TIMES ANNOUNCEMENT WAS: "THE NEW YORK TIMES HAS HAD ITS HEAD IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK FOR NOT BEING SITTING DOWN AT THE SAME TABLE AS ITS STAFF, BUT IT HAS CHOSEN ITS PROMISE. TIM REYNOLDS, THE NEW YORK TIMES' NEW C.E.O., HAS DECIDED TO LEAVE THE COMPANY AND SHUT DOWN THE NEWS AGENCY. "I HAVE BEEN IN THE BUSINESS FOR 30 YEARS, AND I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN A
294 |
295 | SAMPLE 147: <|endoftext|>START: YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN ON THE RECORD FOR NOT HAVING A GOOD WEEK. ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) BUT IT IS OVER. I'M SO EXCITED TO BE HERE. I'VE GOT TO SAY I'VE BEEN THROUGH A LITTLE HISTORY CHANGING. IT'S A LOT OF HARD WORK, BUT IT'S WORKING. IT'S WORKING. AND NOW I HAVE A NEW LEADER, AND A FEW NEW PEOPLE TO WORK WITH. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME. IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME.<|endoftext|>
296 |
297 | SAMPLE 148: <|endoftext|>START: (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU.<|endoftext|>
298 |
299 | SAMPLE 149: <|endoftext|>START: I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT. WELL, IT'S MORNING, AND I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. WELL, IT'S MORNING, AND I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. WELL, IT'S MORNING, AND WE'VE GOT SOME NEWS THAT'S BEEN HILLARY'S MAJESTY, DONALD TRUMP. (LAUGHTER) HE'S NOT EVEN THE ONE WITH THE BIGEST POLL NUMBERS. IT'S TRUMP WITH 33% AND THE OTHER 33%. (LAUGHTER) TRUMP IS THE ONLY ONE WITH A BIGGER POLL NUMBERS THAN HILLARY. SHE'S NOT EVEN IN THAT CLOSE CLOSE. SHE IS IN THE MIDDLE. (LAUGHTER) SO SHE'S NOT EVEN CLOSE. (LAUGHTER) SHE'S NOT EVEN THAT CLOSE TO HILLARY. SHE'S IN THE LOW 30S. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) SHE'S IN THE LOW 30S. SHE'S IN THE LOW 30s. SHE'S IN
300 |
301 | SAMPLE 150: <|endoftext|>START: NOW THAT WE'VE LEFT THE WHITE HOUSE, WHAT'S NEXT FOR TRUMP AND THE REPUBLICAN NOMINEE? WELL, HE'S GOT A LOT OF HANDS ON THE TRACK. A LOT OF REPUBLICANS ARE STILL GRIMMING HIS PLANS FOR A DIPLOMATIC WAR WITH HURRICANE FLORENCE. AND THE BIGGEST THING TRUMP IS DOING IS HOLDING PRESS CONFERENCES. AND THIS WEEK, HE ANNOUNCED HE'S PLANS TO CHANGE THIS. "I'LL BE HELDING CONGRESSES AT LEAST THREE TIMES PER WEEK, AND I WILL BE PRESS CONFERENCING AT LEAST THREE TIMES PER WEEK. THAT'S THE WAY THE GAME is supposed to go." ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) OH, MY! THAT'S A LOT OF CONGRESSES. THAT'S A LOT OF PRESS CONFERENCES. AND TRUMP SAYS HE'LL BE PRESS CONFERENCING AT LEAST FIVE TIMES PER WEEK. AND HE SAYS THE PRESS CONFERENCES ARE THE ONLY WAY HE'LL
302 |
303 | SAMPLE 151: <|endoftext|>START: (APPLAUSE) WELL, I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. WELL, WELL, I'LL GIVE YOU SOME TIME OFF TOMORROW, AND YOU'RE ALL GONE. BUT YOU CAN GET BACK ON THE BUS. WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.<|endoftext|>
304 |
305 | SAMPLE 152: <|endoftext|>START: THE WITCH HUNTS HAVE BEEN ON FOR A WHILE NOW, AND IT'S HAPPENING IN AMERICA. BECAUSE, IN FACT, THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES JUST TWEETED "WHICH COUNTRY IS THE MOST POWERFUL?" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT'S RIGHT. THE PRESIDENT JUST TWEETED "THE MOST POWERFUL COUNTRY IS... AMERICA." ( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S RIGHT, THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES JUST TWEETED "THE MOST POWERFUL COUNTRY IS, OF COURSE, AMERICA." THAT'S RIGHT. THAT'S THE MOST POWERFUL COUNTRY. ( LAUGHTER ) AND, OF COURSE, THE MOST POWERFUL COUNTRY IS... AMERICA. AND, OF COURSE, "THE MOST POWERFUL COUNTRY IS... AMERICA" IS THE MOST POWERFUL COUNTRY. THAT'S THE WAY IT WORKS.<|endoftext|>
306 |
307 | SAMPLE 153: <|endoftext|>START: JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN ALL WEEK LONG! ♪ ♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪ ♪ I'M A BIG GUY ♪ I LOVE HOMEMADE CANDIES ♪ AND THIS ONE IS MY FAVORITE. I LOVE THE MIRROR SANDWICH. IT'S A REAL SANDWICH. IT'S LIKE A CHOCOLATE MUSHROOM. AND I LOVE IT WITH A BOURBON AND A SMOKED JUICE. SO I GOT THE MIRROR SANDWICH AND THIS BOURBON AND THIS SMOKED JUICE AND THEN I DRINK THEM ALL IN ONE GILLIGAN. THAT'S HOW YOU MAKE SURE YOU'RE ALL DRINKING SAME. THAT'S HOW. ♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SO YOU LIKE BOURBONS AND MUSHROOMS? ( LAUGHTER ) YEAH, I DO. SO DO I. I'M NOT SURE IF I'M SURE I'M SURE I'M SURE I'M SURE I'M
308 |
309 | SAMPLE 154: <|endoftext|>START: WHAT'S GOING ON? (LAUGHTER) WE'RE IN THE MIDTERMS. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) WE'VE BEEN THROUGH A ROUGH TIME, BUT WE ARE GETTING BACK ON OUR ROADS. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) AND TRUMP HAS BEEN WORKING VERY HARD TO GET THE NATIONAL IDEA OUT OF HIS HEAD. HE'S TALKING ABOUT IT EVERY DAY. HE'S TALKING ABOUT IT A LOT. (LAUGHTER) HE SAYS, "I'VE BEEN TALKING ABOUT THE IDEA OF A REAL IDEA, AND THE LAST THING I THOUGHT OF IS THE IDEA OF A REAL IDEA THAT I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO DO WITH THE NATIONAL IDEA." (APPLAUSE) THAT IS A GREAT IDEA! (LAUGHTER) AND IT'S A REAL IDEA. IT IS NOT A SCRAMBLED-UP SCREENSHOT OF A BORDER. (APPLAUSE) AND IT'S NOT JUST TRUMP. THERE ARE A LOT OF PEOPLE OUT THERE WHO WANT
310 |
311 | SAMPLE 155: <|endoftext|>START: THE PRESIDENT IS HERE. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) HE IS HERE TONIGHT, AND I HAVE TO SAY HE'LL BE HAPPIER THAN HE WAS A FEW WEEKS AGO. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) HE'LL BE HAPPIER THAN HE WAS A FEW WEEKS AGO. (LAUGHTER) HE'S HAPPY TO BE HERE TONIGHT. I'M HAPPIER THAN I WAS THINKING HE WAS. I'M HAPPIER THAN I WAS THINKING HE WAS, AND HE'S HAPPY TO BE HERE TONIGHT, TO BE PART OF THE FIRST DAY OF OUR HISTORIC NEW YEAR. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) HE'S HAPPY TO BE HERE TONIGHT, TO BE PART OF THE FIRST DAY OF THE NEW YEAR, TO BE PART OF THIS HISTORIC DAY. WE'VE HAD A GREAT FIRST DAY, THANKS, SO GOOD. WE'VE HAD A GREAT FIRST DAY, THANKS, SO GOOD. WE'VE HAD A GREAT FIRST DAY, THANKS
312 |
313 | SAMPLE 156: <|endoftext|>START: I'M STEPHEN COLBERT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'RE BACK. WE'RE BACK. WE'VE BEEN THROUGH A LOT. WE'RE BACK. WE'RE BACK. WE'RE BACK. WE'RE BACK. WE'RE BACK. WE'RE BACK. WE'RE BACK. WE'RE BACK. WE'RE BACK. WE'RE BACK. WE'RE BACK. WE'RE BACK. WE'RE BACK. WE'RE BACK. WE HAVE BEEN THROUGH A LOT OF THINGS THIS WEEK. WE HAVE BEEN THROUGH A LOT OF THINGS THIS WEEK. BUT TODAY, WE HAVE SOME GOOD NEWS. THE TRUMP SUPPORTER WHO WAS CHARGED WITH RUSSIAN MURDER CHARGES HAS BEEN CHARGED WITH RUSSIAN MURDER. AND HE'S NOT THE ONLY TRUMP SUPPORTER CHARGED WITH RUSSIAN MURDER CHARGES THIS WEEK. ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) <|endoftext|>
314 |
315 | SAMPLE 157: <|endoftext|>START: WE'RE BACK! I'M BACK, EVERYBODY. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE. I'M SO HAPPY TO BE HERE. THANK YOU SO MUCH. I WANT TO START OFF BY SAYING TO EVERYBODY OUT THERE, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE, AND FOR ALL THE SUPPORT. I'M SO EXCITED TO SEE YOU AGAIN. I'M SO EXCITED TO SEE YOU ALL OUT HERE. I'M SO EXCITED TO SEE ALL THESE PEOPLE. I'VE BEEN AWARE THAT THIS IS A HUGE EVENT, AND IT'S GOING TO BE A BIG ONE. I'VE BEEN TALKING ABOUT THE POWER OF A NETWORKED WORLD FOR A WHILE NOW. I'M NOT JUST SAYING THIS AS SOMEONE WHO HAS NO COMPANY, I'M SAYING THIS AS A PERSON WHO HAS A COMPANY. WE ALL HAVE COMPANIES. AND I'M SO HAPPY YOU'RE HERE. YOU'RE HERE BECAUSE YOU HAVE THE RIGHT PEOPLE TO DO IT. AND I'M SO EXCITED TO SEE YOU AGAIN. I'M SO EXCITED TO BE HERE.
316 |
317 | SAMPLE 158: <|endoftext|>START: ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THANK YOU VERY MUCH! I'M FEELING A LOT BETTER ABOUT THE WORLD RIGHT NOW. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I THINK I'M GOING TO HAVE TO GO OUT THERE AND DO SOME SHOOTING.<|endoftext|>
318 |
319 | SAMPLE 159: <|endoftext|>START: ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU SO MUCH! THANK YOU SO MUCH! THANK YOU SO MUCH. THANK YOU SO MUCH! THANK YOU SO MUCH! THANKS, EVERYBODY!<|endoftext|>
320 |
321 | SAMPLE 160: <|endoftext|>START: IF YOU DON'T LIKE THE WAY THIS WORK, YOU CAN JUST STOP WATCHING. IT'S OVER.<|endoftext|>
322 |
323 | SAMPLE 161: <|endoftext|>START: ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'VE GOT A FANTASTIC SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. WE'VE GOT A FANTASTIC SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. BECAUSE THE PRESIDENT IS BACK! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HE'S BACK! HE'S BACK! HE'S BACK! HE'S BACK! HE'S BACK! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT!<|endoftext|>
324 |
325 | SAMPLE 162: <|endoftext|>START: WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW." I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WELL, WE'VE BEEN THROUGH A LOT THIS WEEK. TRUMP HAS TURNED OUT TO BE A BIG WEEKEND FOR THE PRESS. WE'VE HEARD THAT HE WENT AFTER THE JUDGES IN THE CRIMINAL EVIDENCE INVESTIGATION, AND HE'S BEEN ACCUSED OF SEXUALLY ASSAULTING WOMEN. AND NOW, HE'S BEEN ASKED ABOUT HIS WEBSITE. WELL, IT'S A WEBSITE THAT'S "NOT A WEBSITE, IT'S A REAL LIFE SHOW." AND THIS WEEK, WE GET TO SEE WHAT'S REALLY GOING ON. WE GET THE REAL STORY. AND I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN TONIGHT'S LATEST "LATE SHOW." BUT FIRST, TRUMP'S TWEETING ABOUT IT. HE'S SAYING IT'S NOT A WEBSITE. IT'S A REAL LIFE SHOW. ( LAUGHTER ) AND THIS IS TRUE. WE'
326 |
327 | SAMPLE 163: <|endoftext|>START: THE END OF THE WORLD IS NIGH. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT! JAMES COMEY WILL BE LIVE TONIGHT AT 9/8c. BUT IF YOU WANT TO HEAR HIM LIVE, YOU CAN STREAM IT HERE. ( AUDIENCE BOOING ) IT'S A LIVE SHOW! IT'S A LIVE SHOW.<|endoftext|>
328 |
329 | SAMPLE 164: <|endoftext|>START: THIS IS A VERY SPECIAL SHOW. IT'S FRIDAY, AND I AM YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT. IT HAS BEEN A VERY ROUGH WEEK FOR THE PRESIDENT. HE HAS BEEN TALKING A LOT ABOUT THE CRISIS, AND THE LATEST REVELATION IS THAT HE HAS BEEN TALKING A LOT ABOUT THE TRUMP FAMILY, INCLUDING MARGARET TRUMP, THE FIRST WOMAN HE MET AT TRUMP'S MAR-A-LAGA IN NEW YORK, MARGARET HUCKABEE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SHE WAS A FOUNDER OF THE MAR-A-LAGA GROUP. SHE WAS THE FIRST WOMAN TO EVER ENTER THE TRUMP FAMILY'S HOMETOWN IN NEW YORK. SHE WAS THE FIRST WOMAN TO ENTER THE TRUMP FAMILY'S FAMILY BUSINESS, WHICH HAS BEEN IN THE WORKS FOR OVER 30 YEARS. SHE WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN THERE IF IT WEREN'T FOR MARGARET HUCKABEE. SHE WAS ALSO THE FIRST WOMAN TO ENTER THE TRUMP BUSINESS'S HOMETOWN
330 |
331 | SAMPLE 165: <|endoftext|>START: WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? I'M SORRY, I WAS JUST WATCHING A RALLY FOR TRUMP, AND ONE OF THE REACTIONARY REPUBLICANS WAS CALLING FOR A NATIONAL EMERGENCY DURING THE SHOOTING. I'M NOT SURE IF HE MEANT IT IN ENGLISH, BUT I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY. I'M SO SORRY. (LAUGHTER) I'M SORRY THAT I'M NOT A SENATOR.<|endoftext|>
332 |
333 | SAMPLE 166: <|endoftext|>START: WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST EXPERIENCE LIKE AS A STAR? WAS IT THE STAR WARS MOVIES? (LAUGHTER) DID YOU SEE THE NEW STAR WARS MOVIE? DID YOU SEE THE STAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS? DID YOU SEE THE NEW TRAILERS? DID YOU SEE THE NEW TRAILERS? (LAUGHTER) I HAD SO MANY EXPERIENCES. SO MANY. DID YOU SEE THE TRAILERS? DID YOU SEE THE TRAILERS? DID YOU SEE THE TRAILERS? DID YOU SEE THE TRAILERS? DID YOU SEE THE TRAILERS? DID YOU SEE THE TRAILERS? DID YOU SEE THE TRAILERS? DID YOU SEE THE TRAILERS? DID YOU SEE THE TRAILERS? DID YOU SEE THE TRAILERS? DID YOU SEE THE TRAILERS? DID YOU SEE THE TRAILERS? DID YOU SEE THE TRAILERS? DID YOU SEE THE TRAILERS? DID YOU SEE THE TRAILERS? DID YOU SEE THE TRAILERS? DID YOU SEE THE TRAILERS? DID YOU SEE THE TRAILERS? DID YOU SEE THE TRAILERS? DID YOU SEE THE TRAILERS
334 |
335 | SAMPLE 167: <|endoftext|>START: YOU MIGHT NOT KNOW THIS, BUT I HAVE BEEN A HUGE HOST OF FOX NEWS' "FOX AND FRIENDS." I AM THE GUEST HOST, AND THIS IS MY THIRD YEAR. I AM A HUGE FAN OF FOX NEWS' NEWS. I AM A HUGE FAN OF "FOX AND FRIENDS." I HAVE BEEN A HUGE HOST OF "FOX AND FRIENDS." AND I HAVE BEEN THE GUEST HOST OF THIS SHOW, BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN A HUGE HOST OF THIS SHOW ALL MY LIFE, BECAUSE I AM THE GUEST HOST OF THE HOST OF "FOX AND FRIENDS." AND YOU KNOW, I LOVE THAT SHOW. AND I LOVE THAT HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. AND I HAVE BEEN A HUGE HOST OF "FOX AND FRIENDS" ALL MY LIFE, BECAUSE I AM THE GUEST HOST OF "FOX AND FRIENDS." AND I LOVE THAT HOST, BECAUSE HE'S A GREAT GUEST. AND I LOVE THE HOST OF "THE LATE SHOW," STEPHEN COLBERT. AND I'VE BEEN A HUGE HOST OF
336 |
337 | SAMPLE 168: <|endoftext|>START: IF YOU'RE NOT USUALLY A FAN OF THE SHOW, I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I LOVE THE SHOW. IT'S THE BEST. I'M SO SORRY THAT IT HAS TO END LIKE THIS. BUT IT'S THE BEST SHOW. IT'S THE ONLY SHOW. IT'S THE ONLY SHOW THAT GETS PEOPLE TO START A FAMILY TODAY. AND THE ONLY SHOW THAT GETS PEOPLE TO START A FAMILY TODAY. AND THE ONLY SHOW THAT GETS PEOPLE TO START A FAMILY TODAY, AND THE ONLY SHOW THAT GETS PEOPLE TO START A FAMILY TODAY. AND IT'S ONLY ON TBS. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND THE ONLY WAY YOU CAN MAKE THAT SOUND LIKE THE SOUND OF AN EMPIRE STRIKE, IS WITH A SINGLE SINGLE SONG. AND I'M GOING TO DO THAT RIGHT NOW. AND I'M GOING TO DO IT RIGHT NOW. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND I JUST WANT TO GIVE YOU A BIG THANK YOU. I JUST WISH YOU ALL THE BEST. AND THANK YOU. THANK YOU.<|endoftext|>
338 |
339 | SAMPLE 169: <|endoftext|>START: TODAY, THE NEW YORK TIMES' MARK TAYLOR WAS ON THE TRAIL AGAIN, AS WELL-READS SAID BY HIS STAFF. "THE NEW YORK TIMES' MARK TAYLOR HAS A NEW BOOK OUT, 'THE NEW JERK.' IT'S A GOOD BOOK, BUT THE COVER STORY IS THAT IT'LL BE 'NEWLY ARRESTED.'" YES, THE "NEW YORK TIMES" HAS ARRESTED A LOT OF PEOPLE. "NEW YORK TIMES" IS THE LOUDER, NERVE-STOPPING OF "NEW YORK" AND THE "NEW YORK TIMES" IS A NERVE-STOPPING OF "NEW YORK" AND "THE NEW YORK POST." ( LAUGHTER ) "THE NEW JERK" IS ALSO A NEW YORKER, AND IT'S ALSO A NEW YORKER'S BOOK! IT'S ALSO THE SAME AUTHOR AS HIS "NEW YORK TIMES" WORKS ON. ( AUDIENCE REACTS ) YES. YES. YES. IT'S JUST LIKE "NEW JERK," BUT WITH A NEW COVER STORY! ( LAUGHTER ) IT'
340 |
341 | SAMPLE 170: <|endoftext|>START: WE'RE TALKING ABOUT "STAR TREK." (LAUGHTER) THAT'S A GOOD ONE. I'VE NEVER WATCHED A MOVIE LIKE THAT. I'M NOT A BIG WATCHER OF "STAR TREK," BUT THIS WEEKEND, IT WAS THE ONLY SHOW ON TV WHERE THE NATIONAL ANTHEM WAS PLAYED IN THE FIRST TWO MINUTES. AND THE NATIONAL ANTHEM IS A BIG HIT WITH RACIST PEOPLE. IN FACT, IT'S THE ONLY SHOW ON TV WHERE THE NATIONAL ANTHEM IS PLAYED IN THE FIRST TWO MINUTES. AND THE NATIONAL ANTHEM WAS PLAYED LAST NIGHT IN THE UNITED STATES. THAT'S A BIG DEAL, BECAUSE THE ANTHEM WAS WRITTEN BY AN ANTICIPATED WHITE PERSON. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YEAH, YEAH. YEAH. YEAH. AND THIS WEEKEND, THE SHOW PLAYED A NEW VERSION OF THE NATIONAL ANTHEM, IN WHICH THE NATIONAL ANTHEM WAS PLAYED BY AN ANTICIPATED BLACK PERSON. AND THIS WAS THE FIRST
342 |
343 | SAMPLE 171: <|endoftext|>START: WE DON'T KNOW WHICH ONE IS THE LEFT. BUT IT'S A BIG ONE. TRUMP IS PLANNING TO RAISE THE COST OF HEALTH INSURANCE TO $95 A MONTH. AND IT WOULD BE HUGE NEWS IF HE DIDN'T DO IT. BECAUSE, IN FACT, THE PRESIDENT HAS BEEN GOING BACK AND REPEATING A LOT OF THE RULES HE SAID HE WOULD CHANGE. FOR ONE, HE WOULD CHANGE THE FEDERAL RULE THAT SAYS "IF YOU'RE IN A DEATH TRIP, YOU CAN'T GET A NEW ONE FOR THREE YEARS." ( LAUGHTER ) "AND IF YOU'RE IN A DEATH TRIP, YOU CAN'T GET A NEW ONE FOR THREE YEARS. AND IF YOU'RE IN A DEATH TRIP AND YOUR FAMILY HAS TO GIVE IT UP, YOU CAN'T JUST GET A NEW ONE FOR FREE." ( LAUGHTER ) AND, OF COURSE, THE PRESIDENT ALSO SAID HE WOULD CHANGE THE LAW THAT SAYS, "IF YOU'RE IN A DEATH TRIP, YOU CAN'T GET ANYTHING FOR
344 |
345 | SAMPLE 172: <|endoftext|>START: I THINK IT'S TIME TO STOP TALKING ABOUT TRUMP'S TAX RETURNS. ( LAUGHTER ) TRUMP'S BEEN THROWING SO MUCH BILLIONAIRE TAX RETURNS IN THE LAST YEAR, THAT HIS PRIVATE EMAILS ARE FULL OF THEM. ( LAUGHTER ) "I'M GOING TO TAKE ALL OF YOUR TAX RETURNS, ALL OF YOUR EXPENSES. AND I'M GOING TO PAY FOR IT ALL OUT OF MY OWN MOUTH. ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) TRUMP ALSO TOLD THE PRESS THAT HE'S LOOKING FOR A $10 BILLION BILLION IN TAX CUTS. ( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S TRUE. BUT THERE'S ALSO BEEN NO REVELATION AS TO WHAT THAT WILL MEAN FOR US TAX REFORM. WELL, THERE'S SOME NEWS OUT THERE. ( LAUGHTER ) WELL, THERE'S SOME NEWS OUT THERE. TRUMP'S BEEN TRYING TO GET A BIGGER TAX CUT.
346 |
347 | SAMPLE 173: <|endoftext|>START: THE WORLD'S LESS LOVED AND SADLY HOSTILE PRESIDENT TRUMP IS BACK ON THE MOON WITH HIS ATTACKS ON THE MUELLER REPORT. ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) AND TODAY THE WHITE HOUSE PRESS SECRETARY, AND MAN WHO'S BEEN HOSTILE TO TRUMP FOR YEARS, JARED GATES, CALLED THE REPORT "DISGRACEFUL AND FALSE." ( LAUGHTER ) AND TRUMP'S ATTACKS ARE NOT JUST LYING, THEY'RE ALSO HIDING INFORMATION FROM HIS OWN TEAM. HERE'S WHAT TRUMP SAID IN HIS OWN WORDS TO GATES. "THE MUELLER REPORT IS FAKE, AND IT'S A COMPLETE AND TOTAL CRANK-UP BY HILLARY CLINTON. SHE HAS NO COMPETITIVE OPTIONS TO REPLACE MY SUPPORT. I WILL NEVER LET HER GET TO THE PRESIDENTIAL SKY. I WILL NEVER LET HER GET TO THAT SKY." ( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S A LONG WAY FROM "I WILL NEVER LET HER GET TO THAT SKY." ( AUDIENCE REACTS ) THAT'S A LOT LONGER.<|endoftext|>
348 |
349 | SAMPLE 174: <|endoftext|>START: THIS IS FRIDAY, EVERYBODY. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).<|endoftext|>
350 |
351 | SAMPLE 175: <|endoftext|>START: THE PRESIDENT IS IN NEW JERSEY TODAY, AND IT'S BEEN A HARD WEEK FOR HIS STAFF. THE PRESS HAS REPORTED HE IS "BEEN IN A FIGHT WITH THE NEW JERSEY CONGRESSIONAL GOVERNMENT." (LAUGHTER) THAT IS TRUE. THE CONGRESSIONAL DEMOCRATS ARE BEING HELD TO THEIR PRIMARY CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHTS, AND THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN IS FIGHTING TO SLAP THEM DOWN. (LAUGHTER) THE CONGRESSIONAL GOVERNMENT IS RESPONDING BY HAVING ITS LEGAL RIGHTS CUT, AND THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN IS FIGHTING TO REMOVE THEM. (LAUGHTER) THE DEMOCRATS' LEGAL RIGHTS WILL BE REMOVED TODAY, AND THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN WILL BE IN THE MIDDLE OF A PROSECUTION OVER ITS CONDUCT. (LAUGHTER) THE CONGRESSIONAL DEMOCRATS HAVE A LOT OF PROBLEMS WITH TRUMP, BUT THEY'RE NOT THE ONLY DEMOCRATS IN THE MIDDLE OF ANOTHER PROBLEM. THE OTHER TWO DEMOC
352 |
353 | SAMPLE 176: <|endoftext|>START: WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW,"." I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT. WELL, IT'S FRIDAY, OF COURSE, BUT IT'S ALSO THE FIRST OF SEPTEMBER, AND IT IS THE TIME FOR A BIG WEEKEND OF POLITICS. THIS WEEKEND, THE WHITE HOUSE WILL TALK ABOUT THE DEAL WITH THE IMPEACHMENT AGENCY AND THE CONGRESSIONAL COMMITTEE WILL BE WORKING ON A VOW TO END THE "WALL OF DEBT." ( LAUGHTER ) AND IT'S A VOW THAT WILL BE AVAILABLE ONLY TO THE WHITE HOUSE. IT'S JUST A FEW THINGS: 1) STOP BILL CLINTON'S "DRAGON TAIL," AND, 2) STOP BILL CLINTON'S BILLIONAIRE "WALL OF DEBT." ( APPLAUSE ) AND IT'S A BIG WEEKEND FOR THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN. IT'S ALSO THE WEEKEND THE DEMOCRATS WILL HAVE TO HOST THEIR LAST-DITCH CAMPAIGN CROWD-BUILD. AND THIS WEEKEND, THEY WILL HAVE TO
354 |
355 | SAMPLE 177: <|endoftext|>START: ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT, BUT FIRST, THE PRESIDENT IS HERE. AND HE'S HAPPY TO BE HERE BECAUSE HIS STAFF HAS JUST ANNOUNCED THE DEPARTMENT'S FIRST NEW CHILD. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF ) THAT'S RIGHT, THE DEPARTMENT HAS A CHILD. AND HE'S GOING TO BE REALLY SPECIAL. HE'S GOING TO BE REALLY SPECIAL. HE'S GOING TO BE REALLY SPECIAL. WE'LL SEE. ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) WE'LL SEE WHAT HAPPEN. ( PIANO RIFF ) WE'LL SEE WHAT HAPPEN. WE'LL SEE WHAT HAPPEN. HE'S ALSO ANNOUNCING A NEW CHILD, AND HE'S CALLING IT "THE BIG ONE." ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'LL SEE WHAT HAPPEN. WE'LL SEE WHAT HAPPEN.<|endoftext|>
356 |
357 | SAMPLE 178: <|endoftext|>START: ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW." I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. I WANT TO THANK EVERYBODY HERE, EVERYBODY IN THIS ROOM, EVERYBODY OUT THERE, EVERYBODY WHO WATCHED THE ELECTION. I'M HAPPY IT'S OVER. I'M HAPPY IT'S OVER, BECAUSE IT WAS A FINE ONE. IT WAS FINE. IT WAS A FINE ONE. IT WAS A FINE ONE. IT WAS A FINE ONE. ( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT WAS A FINE ONE.<|endoftext|>
358 |
359 | SAMPLE 179: <|endoftext|>START: YOU KNOW WHAT I LOVE? WHEN I SEE A NEW BOOK, SOMETHING I LOVE, IT'S WHEN I SEE A BOOK COVERED WITH AN OLD-TIMEY, HISTORIC, HAND-MEH-LOOKER-WITH-AN-ALCOHOL-CUP-STICK. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) I'M A BIG OLD MAN. (LAUGHTER) IT'S A GOOD THING. I LOVE IT WHEN BOOKCOVERS HAVE OLD-STYLE COVERINGS. I'M A FAN OF THE BOOK COVERED WITH AN OLD-STYLE, HAND-MEH-LOOKER-WITH-AN-ALCOHOL-CUP. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) I LOVE IT. IT'S A GOOD LOOK. I'M A BIG MAN. I LIKE THE OLD-STYLE COVERINGS. IT'S FUNNY TO SEE. YOU'RE LOOKING AT AN OLD-STYLE, HAND-MEH-LOOKER-WITH-AN-ALCOHOL-CUP. (CHEERS AND APPLA
360 |
361 | SAMPLE 180: <|endoftext|>START: NOW THIS MAY BE A BIG WEEKEND FOR THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN. BUT IT'S ALSO ANOTHER BIG DAY FOR THE F.B.I. AND THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN. ON SATURDAY, THE F.B.I. ANNOUNCED THAT IT HAS IMPANELED A SPECIAL COUNSEL FOR THE PRESIDENT. AND IT'S ROBERT MUELLER, THE SAME MAN INVESTIGATING THE SEXUAL ASSAULT OF HILLARY CLINTON. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF ) ( PIANO RIFF ) ( PIANO RIFF ) AND, OF COURSE, THE F.B.I. HAS BEEN HOLDING OUT INFORMATION ON TRUMP FOR YEARS. IN THE LATEST REPORT, THE F.B.I. REPORTED THAT TRUMP USES PORN STARS AS "MEMBERS." ( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF ) ( PIANO RIFF ) ( PIANO RIFF ) AND, IN A NEW RELEASE, THE F.B.I. ALSO ANNOUNCED IT IS INVESTIGATING TRUMP FOR
362 |
363 | SAMPLE 181: <|endoftext|>START: THIS IS FRIDAY. YOU KNOW, IT'S FRIDAY. IT IS. IT IS. IT'S FRIDAY. IT IS FRIDAY. AND THE BIG STORY OF THIS WEEK IS THE TRUMP SUPPORTER FIRM THAT JUST HAD TO BE REVEALED. AND THIS IS THE STORY OF A MAN WHO WAS SUPPORTER OF "THE NEW YORK TIMES" FOR OVER 20 YEARS, BUT WAS FIRED THIS WEEK FOR "INFLAMMATORY AND/OR CONDUCT." ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF ) ( APPLAUSE ) ( SINGING ) THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THANK YOU VERY MUCH, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.<|endoftext|>
364 |
365 | SAMPLE 182: <|endoftext|>START: THIS IS A VERY BIG STORY. IT'S A HUGE STORY. IT'S A HUGE STORY ABOUT THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN. IT'S A HUGE STORY ABOUT THE PRESIDENT. AND IT'S ALSO A STORY ABOUT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK FOR HIM. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT'S A STORY ABOUT THE PEOPLE WHO MAKE HIS LIFE SO MUCH FUN AND EASY. AND I WANT TO SAY A BIG, BIG, BIG THANK YOU TO MY FRIEND, THE WASHINGTON POST'S MARK ROBINSON, FOR COMING OUT WITH THE LATEST REPORT ON THE CAMPAIGN'S LATEST PRANKS. AND THIS MORNING, THE PRESIDENT SPENT A GREAT DEEP INTO HIS THOUGHTS ON THE POST'S REPORTING: I THINK IT'S THE WEST. I THINK IT IS THE WEST THAT IS BEING HACKED. IT IS THE WEST THAT IS BEING HACKED. I THINK IT'S THE WEST THAT IS BEING HACKED. AND I THINK IT'S THE WEST THAT IS BEING HACKED. AND I THINK IT'S THE WEST THAT IS BEING HACKED.
366 |
367 | SAMPLE 183: <|endoftext|>START: THIS IS THE BIGGEST STORY IN THE WORLD RIGHT NOW. IT'S THE BIGGEST COVERAGE OF THE BIGGEST STORY IN THE WORLD RIGHT NOW. AND IT'S BEEN HIJACKED, BY THE NEW YORK TIMES. THEY'VE BEEN HACKED. THEY'VE BEEN HIJACKED. IT WAS A HUGE STORY. THEY HAD TO HAVE A NEW VERSION. AND IT WAS RELEASED ON SATURDAY. AND IT'S NOW OUTDATED, TO SATURDAY, BY "THE NEW YORK TIMES." AND THEY'RE GOING TO USE THEIR OWN SOURCE. THEY'RE GOING TO USE THE NEW VERSION. IT'S THE ONE THEY USE FOR EVERYTHING. AND THEY'RE HIJACKING IT. THEY'RE NOT HIJACKING THE ORIGINAL, THEY'RE HIJACKING THE VERSION. THEY HACKED THE NEW VERSION. IT'S JUST BEEN HIJACKED BY "THE NEW YORK TIMES." AND IT'S BEEN HIJACKED BY "THE NEW YORK TIMES" AS WELL AS BY "THE AP." IT'S JUST BEEN HIJ
368 |
369 | SAMPLE 184: <|endoftext|>START: THE END.<|endoftext|>
370 |
371 | SAMPLE 185: <|endoftext|>START: WELCOME TO THE LATE SHOW. I'M STEPHEN COLBERT, YOUR HOST. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT'S FRIDAY, RIGHT? IT'S FRIDAY. ( LAUGHTER ) AND IT'S THE DAY OF THE PRESIDENT'S SPEECH. AND TODAY, THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES HAS PASSED A BILL THAT REQUIRES PRESIDENT TRUMP TO SPEECH ON THE ALLEGATIONS OF RUSSIA'S INTERFERENCE WITH THE 2016 ELECTION. ( LAUGHTER ) AND IT'S GOING TO BE A VERY HEY ONE. THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES IS GOING TO BE SPEAKING ON THE TRUMP-POWERFUL "MUELLER REPORT," WHICH INSTEAD OF BEING A REAL REPORT, WAS JUST A PROPOSAL TO BE RELEASED TO ALL MEMBERS OF THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES BEFORE THE ELECTION, AND WHICH WAS ALSO TWEETED BY PRESIDENT TRUMP. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES SAYS IT NEEDS TO BE RELEASED TO
372 |
373 | SAMPLE 186: <|endoftext|>START: I DON'T KNOW IF I'M GOING TO BE HAPPY THIS WEEKEND. I HAVE TO BE HAPPY TODAY BECAUSE I'M GOING TO HAVE ANOTHER HUGE SHOW. I'M GOING TO HAVE ANOTHER HUGE SHOW WITH THE GREAT JIMMY FALLON. ( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT'S GOOD. THAT'S GOOD. THAT'S GOOD.<|endoftext|>
374 |
375 | SAMPLE 187: <|endoftext|>START: THE BIG NEWS OUT OF THE TRUMP WHITE HOUSE: THE FOREIGN INTELLIGENCE SURVEILLANCE SURVEY. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT'S RIGHT. THE F.B.I. HAS ACCOUNTABILITY OF EVERYTHING YOU SAY, EVERYTHING YOU DO. AND IT'S NOT JUST YOUR PORN STARS, YOUR MOMS AND DADS, AND YOUR FRIENDS. IT'S YOUR FAMILY PHOTOS AND PERSONAL ADS, EVERYTHING. IT'S EVERYTHING. IT'S ALL THERE. AND IT'S ALL IN THE MIRRORS. THE F.B.I. HAS BEEN SURVEILLING THE TRUMP WHITE HOUSE FOR THE LAST TWO YEARS, AND THIS YEAR, IT FINALLY GOT A REAL ESTATE. ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) ( APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF ) AND THIS YEAR, THEY GOT A REAL ESTATE! THE F.B.I. SAYS THEY GOT ALL THEIR INTELLIGENCE SURVEILLANCE SURVEILLANCES FROM TRUMP'S CAMPAIGN, AND THEY'RE FINALLY ACCURATELY ACCURATE
376 |
377 | SAMPLE 188: <|endoftext|>START: WE'RE BACK. I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT. WE'RE BACK FROM THE WEEKEND OF JUDGMENT. WE DID IT AGAIN. WE DID IT AGAIN. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE). WE DID IT AGAIN. WE DID IT AGAIN. WE DID IT AGAIN. WE DID IT AGAIN. AND WE DID IT AGAIN. WE DID IT AGAIN. (LAUGHTER) WE DID IT AGAIN. WE DID IT AGAIN. AND WE DID IT AGAIN. WE DID IT AGAIN. AND WE DID IT AGAIN. (LAUGHTER) WE DID IT AGAIN. WE DID IT AGAIN. AND WE DID IT AGAIN. WE DID IT AGAIN. AND WE DID IT AGAIN. AND WE DID IT AGAIN. WE DID IT AGAIN. AND WE DID IT AGAIN. AND WE DID IT AGAIN. AND WE DID IT AGAIN. AND WE DID IT AGAIN. WE DID IT AGAIN. AND WE DID IT AGAIN. AND WE DID IT AGAIN. AND WE DID IT AGAIN. AND WE DID IT AGAIN. AND WE DID IT AGAIN. AND WE DID IT
378 |
379 | SAMPLE 189: <|endoftext|>START: NOW! (LAUGHTER) NOW, I KNOW YOU'RE ALL HUNGRY FOR SOME NEWS, BUT I'LL JUST TELL YOU ONE RIGHT NOW. I KNOW IT'S BEEN A WEEK OF CONGRESSMEN BEING FIRED FOR NOT BEING CONGRESSMAN, BUT I'M NOT SURE IF YOU'RE SURE IF YOU'RE FIRED. YOU'RE NOT SURE IF YOU'RE FIRED FOR BEING CONGRESSMAN, BUT YOU CAN START TODAY BY GOING TO THE WEB, "FACEBOOK." AND ON THE FACEBOOK, YOU'LL SEE A BLOG ARTICLE THAT WILL SHOW YOU WHAT'S HAPPENING TO YOU. (LAUGHTER) NOW, I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S HAPPENING TO YOU, BUT YOU'VE GOT TO BE SURE THAT YOU'RE NOT FIRED. (LAUGHTER) IT'S A LOT OF WORK, BUT IT'S GOOD WORK. IT MEANS YOU CAN GO OUT THERE EVERY DAY AND BE A REALIST. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) IT'S A LOT OF HONOR.<|endoftext|>
380 |
381 | SAMPLE 190: <|endoftext|>START: WHAT'S GOING ON? EVERYBODY'S WATCHING THE NEWS RIGHT NOW. AND IT'S NOT JUST THE NEWS ABOUT THE TRUMP DEAL. THERE'S ALSO BEEN SOME INTEREST IN THE FUTURE OF OUR NATION, THE FUTURE OF OUR COUNTRY. THERE'S SOME INTEREST IN THE FUTURE OF OUR NATION. AND THAT'S BECAUSE THE FEDS ARE ABOUT TO TAKE HUGE POUNDS OUT OF THE RICH. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND I WANT TO SAY, "STOP IT." (LAUGHTER) YOU'RE NOT DOING IT RIGHT. YOU'RE NOT DOING IT RIGHT. YOU KNOW WHAT? JUST LET IT GO.<|endoftext|>
382 |
383 | SAMPLE 191: <|endoftext|>START: WE'LL START WITH THE GOOD NEWS. WE JUST LEARNED THAT THE TRUMP WHITE HOUSE WILL NOT BE RUNNING THE COUNTRY. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WELL, THAT'S A GOOD THING. WE'VE ALL BEEN WARNED. WE'VE ALL BEEN WARNED THAT THE WHITE HOUSE WILL NOT BE RUNNING OUR COUNTRY. WE'VE BEEN WARNED. WE'VE BEEN WARNED. AND NOW, WE KNOW WHY. THE PRESIDENT IS NOT A U.S. Citizen, AND HE'S NOT EVEN A VETERAN. (LAUGHTER) HE'S NOT EVEN A CITIZEN. HE'S A RUSSIAN LIEUTENANT. AND WE KNOW THAT THE WHITE HOUSE HAS NOT BEEN RUNNING US FOR THE LAST 40 YEARS. SO, YESTERDAY, TRUMP SIGNED AN ORDER TO CREATE A NEW NATIONAL PARK SERVICE TO "ENHANCE THE EXPERIENCE OF AMERICANS IN THE UNITED STATES." (LAUGHTER) AND IT'S OFFICIALLY CALLED THE TRUMP BORDER WALL. (APPLAUSE) IT'S OFFICIALLY CALLED
384 |
385 | SAMPLE 192: <|endoftext|>START: (APPLAUSE) (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) THANKS. THANKS.<|endoftext|>
386 |
387 | SAMPLE 193: <|endoftext|>START: I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE HAVE BEEN THROUGH A LOT THIS WEEK, AND I'M HAPPY TO REPORT THAT OUR NATION IS ON THE RIGHT HAND. WE'VE HAD A GOOD WEEKEND. WE'VE HAD A GOOD WEEKEND. AND IT'S OVER. WE'VE GOT A NEW PRESIDENT, AND HE'S A FAN OF TRUMP. ( CHEERING ) HE'S A FAN OF TRUMP. ( LAUGHTER ) HE'S A FAN OF TRUMP. HE SAYS WHAT HE FEELS. HE SAYS WHAT HE FEELS. HE SAYS WHAT HE FEELS. AND TRUMP IS THE ONLY ONE IN THE WORLD WHO CAN REACH OUT TO THE PEOPLE WHO DON'T WANT TO HEED HIM. ( APPLAUSE ) AND HE'S NOT THE ONLY PERSON. WE HAVE A NEW PRESIDENT-ELECT. WE HAVE A NEW SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE. WE HAVE A NEW SECRETARY OF DEFENSE. WE'VE GOT A NEW AGENT OF THE DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY. WE'VE
388 |
389 | SAMPLE 194: <|endoftext|>START: THE NEW YEAR IS HERE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'RE GETTING READY. WE'RE GETTING READY FOR THE NEW YEAR. AND I'M PREPPING FOR IT BECAUSE I HAVE AN EXCITEMENT FOR THE NEW YEAR. I HAVE AN EXCITEMENT FOR EVERYTHING. I HAVE AN EXCITEMENT FOR THE NEW YEAR. IT'LL BE AN EXCITEMENT FOR ALL OF US. BECAUSE IT'S THE END OF AN AN OLD ONE. AND THE NEW YEAR IS THE END OF THE DARK YEAR, THE YEAR OF THE HUNGRY HUNGRY HUNT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT'S THE END OF AN OLD ONE. AND IT'S THE END OF AN OLD ONE, BECAUSE THIS YEAR THERE'S BEEN A LOT OF HAPPINESS. AND IT'S ALL BEEN GOOD NEWS. AND I'M PREPPING FOR IT BECAUSE I HAVE AN EXCITEMENT FOR ALL THE GOOD NEWS THIS YEAR HAS BEEN. I HAVE AN EXCITEMENT FOR ALL THE GOOD NEWS IN MY LIFE. IT'S ALL BEEN GOOD NEWS B
390 |
391 | SAMPLE 195: <|endoftext|>START: I'LL TELL YOU EVERY THING YOU NEED TO KNOW BEFORE WE GET STARTED, BUT BEFORE WE GET STARTED, I WANT TO TAKE A MINUTE TO GIVE YOU A SPEECH THAT I RECENTLY HEARD ON THE AIR. AND I WANT TO SAY, I HOPE IT'S GOOD. I'M NOT A POLITICIAN. I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU SAY. I JUST RECOGNIZE THE POWER OF THE SPEECH, AND THE POWER OF THE SPEECH, AND IT'S THE POWER OF THE SPEECH THAT WILL HELP ME MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN. AND I BELIEVE IT'S HIGHLY IMPORTANT THAT WE HAVE THE SPEECH. AND IT'S IMPORTANT THAT WE HAVE IT. WE HAVE A LOT OF POWER IN THE SPEECH. I BELIEVE WE HAVE A LOT OF POWER IN THE SPEECH. AND I BELIEVE WE HAVE THE MOST POWER IN THE SPEECH, BECAUSE WHEN YOU SPEAK UPON AN AUDIENCE, THEY'RE YOUR FRIENDS. AND WHEN THEY SPEAK UPON AN AUDIENCE, THEY'RE YOUR FRIENDS
392 |
393 | SAMPLE 196: <|endoftext|>START: JON BATISTE AND THE MASTERS OF THE JUSTICE SOCIETY! (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE). WELL, IT'S FRIDAY, AND I KNOW A LOT OF YOU ARE FEELING A LITTLE DOWN RIGHT NOW. IT'S FRIDAY, AND YOU KNOW, IT'S A FRIDAY TIME WHERE PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO GET OUT AND HAVE A GOOD TIME. AND THIS MORNING, THE JUDGES OF THE UNITED STATES COURT OF APPEALS, ROBERT MUELLER AND KEVIN BAILEY, ANNOUNCED THAT THEY WOULD NOT APPEAR IN COURT AGAINST DONALD TRUMP AND THE TRUMP UNION FOR A VIOLATION OF THE CONGRESSIONAL ELECTION RESOLUTION. AND THIS IS A HUGE DEAL FOR THE PEOPLE OF AMERICA. IT IS A HUGE DEAL FOR AMERICANS. WE HAVE BEEN WARNED THAT THE COURT WILL NOT DEFEND TRUMP'S VOTING INDEPENDENTALLY, AND THAT HE WILL NOT BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY OF THE VOTING CONSTITUTIONS THAT HE DOESN'T AGREE WITH.
394 |
395 | SAMPLE 197: <|endoftext|>START: WELCOME, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN TO "THE LATE SHOW." I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'VE ALL HEARD by NOW THE RUSSIAN HACKERS ARE SAYING TRUMP IS A PUNISHMENT FOR HAVING A GOOD RELATIONSHIP WITH THE RUSSIANS. AND IT'S NOT JUST THE PRESIDENT. TRUMP'S AGENTS HAVE CONFIRMED THEY'VE RECEIVED AND ACCESSED "DUMP TROOPING LOGS" THAT SHOW RUSSIANS ACTUALLY KILLING PEOPLE IN THE UNITED STATES. AND THE RUSSIANS ARE SAYING THEY'VE ALSO RECEIVED "DUMP TACTICAL DICTATOR" PAGES, WHICH SHOW THE PRESIDENT IN A "SURFACE-TO-AIR" COMBAT MODE, WHICH "REACHED THE AIRPLANE WITH HIS HEAD BLEEDING." AND TRUMP HAS EVEN BEEN CALLED "THE DICTATOR OF THE WHITE HOUSE." ( LAUGHTER ) AND TRUMP'S AGENTS ARE SAYING THEY'VE ACCOUNTABLE
396 |
397 | SAMPLE 198: <|endoftext|>START: ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WELL, I WANT TO THANK EVERYBODY OUT THERE FOR BEING OUT THERE. IT'S BEEN A HOUR AND A HALF OF A DAY WE HAVE BEEN OUTSIDE THE WHITE HOUSE. WE HAVE BEEN OUTSIDE THE WHITE HOUSE FOR THE LAST 24 HOURS. AND IT'S HAPPENING BECAUSE, AS YOU KNOW, WE ARE THE ONLY NATION THAT CAN'T MAKE IT TO THE WORLD CEREMONY. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND THIS YEAR'S CEREMONY, WE'RE GOING TO HAVE OUR OWN CEREMONY. WE'LL HAVE OUR OWN CEREMONY, OUR OWN SHOW. AND IT WILL BE OURS! IT WILL BE THE SHOW WE DESERVE TO BE THE LARGEST, THE BEST! AND WE WILL BE THE ONLY NATION THAT CAN MAKE IT. ( LAUGHTER ) WE'LL MAKE IT!<|endoftext|>
398 |
399 | SAMPLE 199: <|endoftext|>START: YOU GUYS ARE ALL SO BUSY RIGHT NOW. I'M NOT EXCITED. I JUST WANT TO BE SURE THAT WE'RE ALL SITTING DOWN, AND NOT DOING SOMETHING THAT'S BAD FOR OUR EYES. AND WELL, WE'RE JUST STARTING THE NEW YEAR OFF ON A HIGH note, RIGHT? RIGHT? (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) AND I WANT TO GIVE A HUGE THANK YOU TO ALL OF YOU THAT JOINED US IN THE NEW YEAR, AND TO ALL OF YOU THAT ARE HAPPY FEBRUARY'S. (APPLAUSE) WE'VE GOT A LOT OF GREAT NEWS FOR YOU. WE'VE GOT A LOT OF GREAT NEWS FOR YOU. WE'VE GOT A LOT OF GOOD NEWS FOR YOU. WE'VE GOT A LOT OF NEWS FOR YOU. WE HAVE A LOT OF GOOD NEWS, AND IT'S ALL HAPPENING BECAUSE OF YOU. BECAUSE OF YOU, BECAUSE OF YOU, BECAUSE YOU'RE THE PEOPLE WHO MAKE IT ALL WORK. AND BECAUSE OF YOU, BECAUSE OF YOU, BECAUSE OF YOU, BECAUSE OF
400 |
401 | SAMPLE 200: <|endoftext|>START: TODAY'S NEWS IS THAT AUSTRALIAN G.I. JOINS THE MOSCOW N.OR.D.R.S., WHICH IS A HUGE DEAL. I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN TONIGHT'S "DOIN' IT AROUND THE ROAD," BUT FIRST, THE G.I. JOINS THE MOSCOW N.OR.D.R.S. TODAY, AND IT'S CALLED "THE BLACK PANTHER." ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT'S GOOD. IT'S A GREAT NAME, AND IT MEANS, "THE BLACK PANTHER IS HERE." THAT'S GOOD. IT MEANS THE G.I. IS HERE. AND IT'S ALSO A GREAT NAME FOR A G.I. DEPARTMENT. YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO CALL THEM "BLACK PANTHERs."<|endoftext|>
402 |
403 | SAMPLE 201: <|endoftext|>START: I GOT A QUESTION FROM SOMEONE, AND IT WAS AN EXCITEMENT QUESTION. IT HAPPENED TO BE A MAN FROM NEW YORK, AND I WAS TALKING ABOUT THE STATE OF THE UNION, AND HE SAID, "YOU KNOW, I DON'T KNOW IF THE NEW YORK STATE UNION IS THE ONLY ONE THAT IS BEING DIVIDED BY TRUMP'S ATTACKS." AND I WAS LIKE, "WHAT?" AND HE WAS LIKE, "YOU KNOW, I DON'T KNOW, I JUST DON'T KNOW. IT JUST FEELS LIKE IT. IT'S LIKE THE WORLD'S ENDING. AND I DON'T KNOW IF THERE'S ANYTHING THAT CAN'T BE RUINED BY SOMEBODY'S MOUTH." AND IT'S TRUE! IT'S TRUE!<|endoftext|>
404 |
405 | SAMPLE 202: <|endoftext|>START: MIRRORING. (LAUGHTER). (APPLAUSE). THAT'S GOOD.<|endoftext|>
406 |
407 | SAMPLE 203: <|endoftext|>START: NOW, WE KNOW THAT DONALD TRUMP IS NOT A FAN OF THE NEW YORK TIMES. (LAUGHTER). BUT HE'S A HUGE FAN OF "THE BILLIONAIRE." AND HE'S GOING TO BE THE ONE TO TAKE OVER THE NEW YORK TIMES. (LAUGHTER). WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.<|endoftext|>
408 |
409 | SAMPLE 204: <|endoftext|>START: GOOD MORNING. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) THANK YOU. THANK YOU. WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. BUT BEFORE WE GET STARTED, I WANT TO SAY THIS. THE PRESIDENT IS A FANSHIP OF "THE LATE SHOW." I HAVE BEEN ON THE AIR FOR OVER A YEAR, AND HE HAS ALWAYS BEEN A FAN OF MY SHOW. I AM A BIG FAN OF HIS. AND I AM VERY SAD TO SEE THAT THE WHITE HOUSE IS NOT ACTUALLY GOING TO BE FUNDING THE F.B.I. WITH ANY OF THIS. AND IT'S NOT JUST "THE LATE SHOW." THERE ARE MANY OTHER SHOWERS AND NETWORKS THAT ARE ALSO HAVING A BIG FIGHT OVER THE BORDER. AND I'M NOT SURE WHICH ONE OF THEM IS WORRIED MORE, THE PRESIDENT OR THE WHITE HOUSE. (LAUGHTER) OH.<|endoftext|>
410 |
411 | SAMPLE 205: <|endoftext|>START: WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW." I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT WAS A GOOD SHOW, EVERYBODY. IT WAS FUN.<|endoftext|>
412 |
413 | SAMPLE 206: <|endoftext|>START: JAMES BOND. I DON'T KNOW WHO THIS GUY IS BUT I KNOW WHO HE'S NOT: THE PRESIDENT. ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF ) ( CHEERS ) ( PIANO RIFF ) IT WAS A ROUGH NIGHT FOR BOND. WE ALL KNOW WHAT HAPPENED NEXT. BOND'S BODY CAME TO LIFE IN THE SHOW "THE BOSS." IT'S A REAL-ITY SHOW WHERE BOND AND HIS GUYS GET TO PLAY REAL-ITY BULLSHIT. AND THIS YEAR, IT WAS "THE BOSS" THAT PLAYED THE MOST BULLSHIT! AND IT WAS A REALITY SHOW! IT WAS REAL-ITY. AND THIS YEAR'S BOSS WAS THE REAL-ITY PRESIDENT TRUMP. AND BOND WASN'T THE ONLY PERSON IN THE ROOM THAT WAS HAPPY. THE PRESIDENT'S GUY WAS ALSO PLAYING, WHICH REALLY HURTS BOND. "THE BOSS," THE REALITY SHOW'S PRODUCER, SAYS, "I HOPE YOU ENJOYED THE SHOW, BOND. YOU DID A GOOD
414 |
415 | SAMPLE 207: <|endoftext|>START: TODAY'S NEWS OUT OF THE WHITE HOUSE: TRUMP IS READY TO PUT HIS FEDERAL BUDGET IN SHAPE. AND IT'S GOING TO LOOK A LOT LIKE THE BUDGET THAT HE'S BEEN WORKING ON FOR THE LAST TWO YEARS. AND THAT'S BECAUSE, IN AN EXCITEMENT MEETING OF THE BOARD OF C.E.O.S. OF THE BIG THREE PHARMACEUTICALS, TRUMP SAID THAT HE WAS GOING TO START FROM THE BACKS AND GO FOR A LAYOUT THAT'S "AS GOOD AS POSSIBLE." ( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S A HUGE DEAL FOR A PHARMACEUTICALS MAN. HE'S GOT TO HAVE A GOOD LOOK AT THAT. ( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT IS GOOD. THAT IS GOOD. THAT IS A GOOD IDEA.<|endoftext|>
416 |
417 | SAMPLE 208: <|endoftext|>START: I'M STEPHEN COLBERT. WELL, I THINK IT'S ABOUT TIME YOU GOT SOME REST. IT'S BEEN A WEEKS. WELL, YOU KNOW, IT'S BEEN A WEEKS. WELL, IT'S BEEN A WEEKS. WELL, IT'S BEEN A WEEKS, AND WE'VE ALL BEEN THROUGH SOME BAD TIMES. AND IT'S HARD TO GET THROUGH IT ALL. AND I'M SORRY, BUT I HAVE TO SAY, IT'S HARDER TO GET THROUGH IT THAN IT IS TO SEE IT COMING. (LAUGHTER) AND NOW WE'VE LEARNED THAT THE TRUMP WHITE HOUSE IS PLANNING TO SLOW DOWN THE NATIONAL ENERGY ENHANCEMENT ACT. AND IT'S BEEN HAD A HARD TIME GETTING IT THROUGH. FOR ONE, THERE ARE THOUSANDS OF ENERGY ENHANCEMENT ADOPTS STILL UNDER WAY, INCLUDING IN CALIFORNIA. AND, OF COURSE, THE ENERGY ENHANCEMENT ACT WAS JUST BORN THIS YEAR
418 |
419 | SAMPLE 209: <|endoftext|>START: YOU ARE HERE, BECAUSE THIS WEEKEND, THE PRESIDENT IS GOING TO THE WHITE HOUSE. HE'S ALSO GOING TO THE G.O.P.'S RALLY IN WASHINGTON, D.C. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) IT'S A BIG EVENT. I MEAN, THE WHITE HOUSE IS HUGE. IT'S HUGE. IT'S HUGE. IT'S LIKE THE WHITE HOUSE OF AMERICA. (LAUGHTER) AND IT'S ALSO HUGE BECAUSE THIS YEAR'S RALLY IS ALSO A DAY FOR PRESIDENT TRUMP TO TALK ABOUT THE NATION'S INCONSISTENCY. I MEAN, EVERY DAY, WE'RE LEARNING MORE AND MORE ABOUT THE CONFUSION AND INCONSISTENCY IN OUR NATION'S NATIONAL SECURITY. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) IT'S SO CONFUSING! IT'S SO CONFUSING! I MEAN, EVERY DAY WE'RE LEARNING ABOUT SOMEONE'S BRIEFLY TWEETING, "THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA HAS BEEN UNDER FIRE FOR THE LAST FEW MONTHS AND THE WHITE
420 |
421 | SAMPLE 210: <|endoftext|>START: ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THANKS, EVERYBODY! WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW." I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. IT'S FRIDAY. IT'S FRIDAY. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT'S FRIDAY. IT'S FRIDAY. IT'S FRIDAY. IT'S FRIDAY. IT IS FRIDAY. IT'S FRIDAY.<|endoftext|>
422 |
423 | SAMPLE 211: <|endoftext|>START: WELL, I'M HAPPY TO BE HERE. IT IS FRIDAY, RIGHT, BECAUSE IT IS FRIDAY, RIGHT? (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) IT'S FRIDAY, RIGHT? AND I WANT TO THANK EVERYBODY OUT THERE WHO WORKED ALL WEEK. IT WAS A BEAUTIFUL WEEKEND. IT WAS A BEAUTIFUL WEEKEND. AND I WANT TO THANK EVERYBODY OUT THERE WHO CONTINUED TO WORK THROUGH THE WEEK. AND IT'S A BIG WEEKEND FOR THE PRESIDENT. IT IS A BIG WEEKEND FOR THE PRESIDENT. AND I WANT TO THANK EVERYBODY WHO WORKED ALL WEEK LONG. IT WAS A BEAUTIFUL WEEKEND. IT WAS A BEAUTIFUL WEEKEND. AND I WANT TO SAY TO ALL OF YOU OUT THERE, THANK YOU, EVERYBODY OUT THERE WORKING, EVERYBODY WORKING, THANK YOU SO MUCH, THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU.<|endoftext|>
424 |
425 | SAMPLE 212: <|endoftext|>START: JON. I'M STEPHEN COLBERT. WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. I AM STEPHEN COLBERT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YOU KNOW, IT'S FRIDAY. IT'S FRIDAY! IT'S A GREAT DAY TO BE A JAPANESE. THAT'S TRUE. THAT'S A GREAT DAY TO BE A JAPANESE. YOU CAN SEE IT IN THE GROWN-UPS AND THE SHAVES AND THE HANDRAILS AND ALL THAT. THAT'S A GREAT PHOTO. THAT'S A GREAT PHOTO. THAT WAS ME. THAT WAS ME. YOU CAN IMAGINE THE APPLAUSE I GOT FROM THAT.<|endoftext|>
426 |
427 | SAMPLE 213: <|endoftext|>START: THE WORD "HORRIBLE." I'M GOING TO SAY IT OUTLAST YOU, BECAUSE I HAVE SOME NEWS TO REPORT. THE PRESIDENT HAS DECIDED TO END THE N.F.L.'S C.P.S. -- "Combined Postseason Rating System," which, by the way is THE WORST IDEA EVER BECAME A REAL IDEA. ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT'S RIGHT, THE N.F.L. HAS ENDED ITS C.P.S. -- AND I DON'T WANT TO USE THE N.F.L. SOUNDS, I DON'T WANT TO USE THE SOUNDS OF THE N.F.L., I JUST WANT THE CUE. THE N.F.L. C.P.S. WAS THE ONLY IDEA THE F.B.I. HAD TO USE TO PROVE THE BALANCE OF THE PLAYERS IN PLAYING THE GAME. SO THE C.P.S. WAS A REAL IDEA, AND THE N.F.C.S. WAS THE IDEA THE F.B
428 |
429 | SAMPLE 214: <|endoftext|>START: NOW, THERE'S SOME GOOD NEWS FOR TRUMP'S SUPPORTERS IN THE STATE SENATE, INCLUDING A NEW GUIDEBOOK FOR SENATORS. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT'S A GUIDEBOOK BY DONALD TRUMP. ( LAUGHTER ) IT'S JUST LIKE HIS OWN "DONALD TRUMP'S 100 BEST BOOKS." ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT'S JUST LIKE THAT.<|endoftext|>
430 |
431 | SAMPLE 215: <|endoftext|>START: THE GOOD, THEN. ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) WELL THERE IS GOOD NEWS. TRUMP HAS BEEN WORKING ON A NEW FOREIGN WAR MACHINE, AND IT'S BEEN CALLED THE THORIUM WARHEAD. AND IT'LL LOOK LIKE THIS: ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'LL SEE A LOT OF THORIUM BOOSTING. WE'LL SEE A LOT OF THORIUM BOOSTING. WE'LL SEE A LOT OF THORIUM BOOSTING. WE'LL SEE A LOT OF THORIUM BOOSTING. WE'LL SEE A LOT OF THORIUM BOOSTING. WE'RE GOING TO GET A LOT OF THORIUM FROM THE THORIUM BOOSTING. WE'RE GOING TO GET A LOT OF THORIUM BOOSTING. WE'RE GONNA GET A LOT OF THORIUM BOOSTERING FROM THE THORIUM BOOSTING. ( LAUGHTER ) WE'RE GOING TO GET A LOT OF THORIUM BOOSTERING FROM THE THORIUM BOOSTING. WE'RE GO
432 |
433 | SAMPLE 216: <|endoftext|>START: ( LAUGHTER ) NOW, I KNOW THIS IS A BIG DAY FOR TRUMP, BUT I WANT YOU TO KNOW ONE THING: I'M NOT GOING TO BE TRUMP'S PUNISHER. ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) HE'S A GOOD MAN. I HOPE YOU GUYS CAN HOLD ON. HE'S A GOOD MAN. OKAY, HE HAS SOME GOOD POINTS. HE'S A GOOD MAN. BUT ONE OF THEM IS THIS: WE NEED TO STOP THE PRESSURE ON THE JUSTICE SYSTEM. WE NEED TO STOP THE PRESSURE ON THE JUSTICE SYSTEM. OKAY, THAT'S A GOOD ONE. BUT THE OTHER ONE IS, WE NEED TO STOP THE PRESSURE ON THE MEDIA. WE NEED TO STOP THE PRESSURE ON THE MEDIA. WELL, THAT'S A GOOD ONE BECAUSE THE MEDIA ARE THE REAL POWER POINT OF OUR DEMOCRACY. THEY HAVE THE POWER. THEY HAVE THE POWER. WE NEED THE PRESSURE ON THE MEDIA TO STOP THE PRESSURE ON THE JUSTICE SYSTEM. WE NEED THE PRESSURE ON THE MEDIA TO STOP THE PRESSURE
434 |
435 | SAMPLE 217: <|endoftext|>START: NOW, I WANT YOU TO KNOW SOMETHING: I'M NOT A CITIZEN. I'M NOT A PRESIDENTIAL CITIZEN. I'M NOT A PRIME MINISTER. I'M NOT EVEN A PUBLIC OFFICIAL. I'M JUST SOMEONE WHO HAS BEEN IN POLITICAL CHARGE FOR THE LAST 30 YEARS AND I'M NOW A PUBLIC OFFICIAL. ( LAUGHTER ) AND I'M NOT SURE IF ANYBODY KNOWS ME OR NOT. BUT I'M NOT SURE IF ANYBODY KNOWS WHO I AM. I'M A CITIZEN WHO HAS BEEN IN POLITICAL CHARGE FOR 30 YEARS. ( LAUGHTER ) AND I'M NOT SURE WHO TO THANK FOR THAT. I'M NOT SURE IF ANYBODY KNOWS ME OR NOT. BUT I KNOW THAT I HAVE BEEN THERE, WORKED THERE, AND I'VE BEEN THERE EVERY STEP OF THE WAY. ( APPLAUSE ) AND I'M NOT SURE IF ANYBODY KNOWS ME OR NOT. BUT I KNOW THAT I HAVE BEEN THERE, WORKED THERE, AND I'VE BEEN THERE EVERY
436 |
437 | SAMPLE 218: <|endoftext|>START: THE BATTLE OF THE TRUMP-ISRAELI BICYCLE STICK. ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) TRUMP HAS BEEN TRYING TO END THE BICYCLE DEBT IN IRAQ FOR YEARS, BUT THE GOVERNING HAS BEEN STRUGGLING TO DO IT INSTEAD OF A WAR MACHINE. ( LAUGHTER ) AND IN AN EXCITEMENT MEANTLESS THING, THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN ANNOUNCED A $3.6 BILLION DEBT REDUCTION, WHICH MEANS IRAQ WILL PAY FOR ITS OWN BILLION IN UNCONSTRUCTED STREETS AND PARKS. ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF ) AND IN A BIG DEAL, THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN ALSO ANNOUNCED $1 BILLION TO BUILD A "STRONGER, FARMER, FASTER, FERRARI" BICYCLE RIDE, WHICH IS ALSO CALLED "TRUMP BICYCLE." ( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF ) AND TRUMP ALSO ANNOUNCED A NEW $3.5 BILL
438 |
439 | SAMPLE 219: <|endoftext|>START: THE RACE IS ON. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) IT'S FRIDAY! IT'S FRIDAY! IT'S FRIDAY! (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) IT'S FRIDAY. YOU KNOW, I'M NOT A POLITICAL PERSON, BUT I'M REALLY FEELING THE NEED FOR A NEW RACE IDEA. I DON'T KNOW, SOMEONE'S GOT TO DO IT. SOMEONE HAS TO DO IT. SOMEONE HAS TO SAY, "MEANWHILE, THERE'S SOMEONE OUT THERE WHO'S GOT TO DO IT." SOMEONE HAS TO SAY, "MEANWHILE, THERE'S SOMEONE OUT THERE WHO'S GOT TO DO IT. MEANWHILE, THERE'S SOMEONE OUT THERE WHO'S GOT TO DO IT. MEANWHILE, THERE'S SOMEONE OUT THERE, WHO'S GOT TO DO IT. MEANWHILE, THERE'S SOMEONE OUT THERE, WHO'S GOT TO DO IT." (LAUGHTER) (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)<|endoftext|>
440 |
441 | SAMPLE 220: <|endoftext|>START: THE WITCH HUNTING. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT'S BEEN A HOPEFUL WEEK FOR THE BORDER PATROL. THE PRESIDENT HAS BEEN WORKING TO IMPROVE THE WEAPONS WE HAVE TO PROTECT THE BORDER. WE'VE GOT A LOT OF WEAPONS. THE BORDER PATROL HAS GOT TO GET BETTER. THE BORDER PATROL HAS TO BE MORE NARROWED, AND THE WEAPONS WE HAVE TO USE HAVE TO BE BETTER. WE HAVE TO HAVE MORE OPTICAL WEAPONS. WE HAVE TO HAVE MORE OPTICAL WEAPONS. THE BORDER PATROL HAS TO GET BETTER. AND IT HAS TO GET BETTER BECAUSE, AS THE PRESIDENT SAID, "THE WITCH HUNTS ARE ON." WE HAVE A VERY DANGEROUS MIRACLE. WE HAVE THE MIRACLE OF THE WHITE HOUSE, AND WE HAVE THE MIRACLE OF THE BORDER PATROL. WE HAVE THE MIRACLE OF THE BORDER PATROL, AND WE HAVE THE MIRACLE OF THE WHITE HOUSE. WE HAVE
442 |
443 | SAMPLE 221: <|endoftext|>START: I'M STEPHEN COLBERT. ( APPLAUSE ) WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THANK YOU, THANK YOU. THANK YOU. ( APPLAUSE ) THANK YOU VERY MUCH. ( PIANO RIFF ) WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )<|endoftext|>
444 |
445 | SAMPLE 222: <|endoftext|>START: WE GOT SOME NEWS FROM THE WHITE HOUSE. THE WHITE HOUSE IS NOT GOING TO THE UNION BECAUSE THE DEMOCRATS WERE RIGHT TO GO AWAY. THE DEMOCRATIC PARTIES ARE STILL NOT GOING TO THE UNION. THEY'RE STILL NOT GOING TO THE UNION BECAUSE THE DEMOCRATS WERE SO MAD AT THEM THEY WENT TO THE HILL. AND THEY WERE SO MAD THEY HID THEIR WIDEN-EYED LITTLE BABY FACE ON THE WALL. ( LAUGHTER ) AND THEY WENT TO THE HILL TO DEMAND A NEW CONGRESSIONAL ELECTION. AND THEY GOT THEIR WAY. THE DEMOCRATS WERE NOT GOING TO THE UNION BECAUSE THE DEMOCRATS WERE SO MAD AT THEM THAT THEY WENT TO THE HILL TO DEMAND A NEW CONGRESSIONAL ELECTION. AND THEY GOT THEIR WAY. THE DEMOCRATS WERE NOT GOING TO THE UNION BECAUSE THE DEMOCRATS WERE SO MAD AT THEM THAT THEY WENT TO THE HILL TO DEMAND A NEW CONGRESSIONAL ELECTION.
446 |
447 | SAMPLE 223: <|endoftext|>START: WHAT DO YOU MEAN "THE BATTLE OF THE TINY BRITISH?" I DON'T KNOW. IT'S A LOT OF THINGS. I DON'T KNOW. I JUST KNOW THAT THE PRESIDENT HAS BEEN HOSTILE TO BRIAN ENO FOR YEARS NOW OVER HIS USE OF A PORN STAR AS THE MUSEUM MUSEUM MEMBER. ( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S A LOT OF THINGS TO THINK ABOUT. I THINK THE BIG QUESTION IS, IS HE OKAY WITH IT? YES. HE'S NOT OKAY WITH IT. HE'S NOT OKAY WITH IT AT ALL? YES. YES. THAT'S A BIG ONE. HE'S NOT OKAY WITH IT AT ALL. THAT IS TRUE. HE DOES LIKE THE SAME MUSEUM THAT I DO, AND HE'S GIVING IT A NEW NAME. THAT IS RIGHT. THE MUSEUM OF THE GREAT SINCE THE END OF THE WAR ON WARMTH. ( LAUGHTER ) YES. THAT IS A BIG ONE. YES.<|endoftext|>
448 |
449 | SAMPLE 224: <|endoftext|>START: THE BIG NEWS OF THE WEEK IS THE DECISION OF THE COURT OF APPEALS IN THE TRUMP-BRAZIL CASE, WHICH IS SET TO REVEAL THE FOUNDING OF A CASE AGAINST DONALD TRUMP AND THE RUSSIA INVESTIGATION. ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) THE COURT IS GOING TO REVEAL THE FOUNDING OF THE RUSSIAN INVESTIGATION, AND THERE'S SOME BIG NEWS OUT THERE, INCLUDING THE FOUNDING OF A CASE AGAINST DONALD TRUMP. THE COURT HAS DECIDED NOT TO APPEAR A NOTICE OF DEFENDANTS, WHICH IS A HUGE PROMISE TO THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION. IT'S A HUGE PROMISE TO STOP THE RUSSIANS FROM INVESTIGATING TRUMP. THE RUSSIANS HAVE BEEN INVESTIGATING HIM, AND THEY HAVE NOT BEEN ACCUSED OF ANY ACT OF RUSSIAN INTERFERENCE WITH THE U.S. ELECTION. ( LAUGHTER ) THE RUSSIANS HAVE BEEN LOOKING FOR A WAY IN, AND THEY HAVE NOT
450 |
451 | SAMPLE 225: <|endoftext|>START: MOMENTS LATER. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE). YOU KNOW, I'M A BIG FAN OF "FIVE SONGS." I'M A BIG FAN OF "FIVE SONS." I LOVE IT. AND I LOVE THE MOVIE, "FIVE SONS." IT FEELS LIKE THE RIGHT TIME FOR A REMASTER. AND I'M A HUGE FAN OF "FIVE SONS." AND IT'S ALSO THE SAME STORY-- THE SAME STORY, THE SAME STORY. BUT THIS TIME, WE'VE GOT A NEW GUEST STAR. I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN TONIGHT'S "SPOILER ALERT." BUT FIRST, SOME NEWS. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE). YEAH, IT'S A GOOD STORY. IT'S A GOOD STORY, BUT IT'S ALSO-- AND I KNOW YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO READ THIS-- BUT IT'S ALSO ALSO GOT SOME SPOILERS IN IT. SO IF YOU'RE NOT PREPARED FOR "FIVE SONS," PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE BE SURE TO READ IT FIRST. (CHE
452 |
453 | SAMPLE 226: <|endoftext|>START: I'M STEPHEN COLBERT. WE'RE BACK. WE'RE BACK, BABY. WE'RE BACK, BABY. ( APPLAUSE ) IT'S BEEN A WEEKS-- IT'S BEEN A WEEKS-- IT HAS BEEN A WEEKS WHERE TRUMP HAS TOLD THE PRESS TO BE LUCKY, AND IT'S BEEN A WEEKS LIKE THIS, WHERE THE PRESS HAS BEEN TOLD TO BE LUCKY, AND IT'S BEEN A WEEKS LIKE THIS WHERE THE PRESS HAS BEEN TOLD TO BE LUCKY, BECAUSE THE PRESIDENT HAS BEEN HOLDING A PRESS GATHERING EVERY SINGLE DAY, TO BE CLEAR OF ANYTHING HE DOES NOT AGREE WITH. ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) IT'S LIKE THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT THE SAME THING, BUT THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT SOMETHING NEW. IT'S LIKE THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT THE SAME THING, BUT THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT A NEW THING.<|endoftext|>
454 |
455 | SAMPLE 227: <|endoftext|>START: WHAT'S GOING ON OUT THERE? I'M TALKING ABOUT A LOT OF THINGS, BUT ONE OF THE BIGGEST IS THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION. ( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S RIGHT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT'S GOING TO BE A BIG ONE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YES, A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE PREOCCUPIED, BECAUSE THE DEMOCRATS ARE STILL HUNG FOR SOME IDEA OF WHAT THEY SHOULD DO. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WELL, THEY GOT A GREAT IDEA IN THE WORD "DEMOCRATIC NATIONAL CONFEDERACY." ( LAUGHTER ) YES, A NATION WITH NO CONFLICTS.<|endoftext|>
456 |
457 | SAMPLE 228: <|endoftext|>START:?" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) "YESTERDAY, TRUMP TWEETED: 'WELCOME TO THE "LATE SHOW." I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. ( LAUGHTER ) "BUT IT'S NOT JUST THE PRESIDENT'S TWITTER FEUD WITH "THE LATE SHOW" host, CBS' JOHN CALLAS, THAT'S BEEN A BIG WEEK FOR TRUMP. HE WAS ALSO FIRED FROM THE "NEW YORK TIMES," FOR "DISQUALIFICATION OF HIS PUBLIC RECORDS," FOR FURTHERING "INFORMATION REPORTS THAT ARE FAKE, FALSE, AND OBSTRUCTION OF THE N.Y.P.D.'S OPERATIONAL OPERATIONS AND FORMER DIRECTOR JAMES COMEY'S RELATIONSHIP TO THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN." ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) "IT'S A BIG WEEK FOR TRUMP, AND IT'S NOT THE FIRST TIME HE'S BEEN FIRED FOR A "FALSE FOOTAGE" OF HIM. IN 2011, HE WAS ALSO DISQUALIFIED FROM THE 2016 CAMPAIGN'S
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459 | SAMPLE 229: <|endoftext|>START: ( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. BUT BEFORE WE GET STARTED, WE WANT TO THANK ALL OF OUR ANTHEM MIXERS FOR BEING HERE THIS EVENING. WE LOVE YOU ALL. THANK YOU. THANK YOU.<|endoftext|>
460 |
461 | SAMPLE 230: <|endoftext|>START: WE'RE BACK. WE'RE BACK. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT WAS A GOOD SHOW. WE GOT A GOOD SHOW. WE DID A GREAT SHOW. BUT IT'S OVER. ( APPLAUSE ) WE DID IT. WE GOT THE WHITE HOUSE IN THE MIRROR. WE GOT THE MUELLER REPORT IN THE MIRROR. WE GOT TRUMP'S PHONE NUMBER. WE GOT ALL THE PHOTOS FROM THE WHITE HOUSE. WE GOT ALL OF HIS PHOTOS. WE GOT ALL OF HIS PHOTOS. WE GOT ALL OF HIS PHOTOS. WE GOT HIS PAGES. WE GOT HIS PAGES. WE DID IT. WE DID IT, THANK YOU SO MUCH. THANK YOU SO MUCH. WE DID IT. WE DID IT. THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. WE'RE GOING TO GO ON A LATER SHOW. BUT FIRST, TRUMP IS STILL TWEETING ABOUT HIS NEW BOOK, 'THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT.' IT'S CALLED 'THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT.' WE'LL SEE WHAT HE'S UP TO TOMORROW.<|endoftext|>
462 |
463 | SAMPLE 231: <|endoftext|>START: ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'RE BACK! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'RE BACK! WE'RE BACK FROM THE END OF JULY. WE'RE BACK! WE'RE BACK FROM THE END OF JULY. WE'RE BACK FROM THE END OF JULY. WE'RE BACK FROM THE END OF JULY, WE ARE BACK FROM THE END OF JULY, WE'RE BACK FROM THE BEGINNING OF JULY, WE'RE BACK FROM THE END OF SEPTEMBER! WE'RE BACK FROM THE BEGINNING OF SEPTEMBER! WE'RE BACK FROM THE BEGINNING OF SEPTEMBER! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'RE BACK FROM THE END OF SEPTEMBER. WE'RE BACK FROM THE END OF SEPTEMBER. WE'RE BACK FROM THE END OF SEPTEMBER. WE'RE BACK FROM THE BEGINNING OF NOVEMBER, WE'RE BACK FROM the END OF NOVEMBER, WE'RE BACK FROM NOVEMBER! WE'RE BACK FROM THE END OF NOVEMBER, WE'RE BACK FROM NOVEMBER! WE'RE BACK FROM
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465 | SAMPLE 232: <|endoftext|>START: THIS IS FRIDAY, AND IT'S THE BIG DAY OF THE WEEK FOR THE NATIONAL ENERGY COMMISSION, BECAUSE TODAY, THEY ANNOUNCE THEY HAVE CONFIRMED THE CONFIRMATION OF THE "Nuclear Fission Reaction" INSTRUMENT. YESTERDAY, THE NRC ANNOUNCED THAT IT HAS CONFIRMED THE CONFIRMATION OF THE "Fission Reaction Instruments," AND IT'S GOING TO BE "THE MOST POWERFUL, COMPREHENSIVE, AND EFFICIENT Fission Reaction INSTRUMENT IN THE WORLD." ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NOW, THIS IS A HUGE DEAL, BECAUSE THE INSTRUMENT HAS TO WORK LIKE THIS: YOU HAVE A PIPE, AND THEN IT'S FUSED WITH A LITTLE NITROGEN. AND THEN IT CUTS OFF THE LITTLE NITROGEN, AND THEN IT CUTS OFF THE LITTLE NITROGEN. IT'S A VERY, VERY POWERFUL, VERY COMPREHENSIVE AND EFFICIENT F
466 |
467 | SAMPLE 233: <|endoftext|>START: ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'RE BACK. WE'VE BEEN AWAY FOR A WHILE. WE'VE BEEN AWAY FOR A WHILE. BUT WE'RE BACK. ( APPLAUSE ) WE'RE BACK. AND WE GOT SOME GOOD NEWS. THE PRESIDENT IS PLANNING TO SIGN AN AMENDMENT TO THE JOBS ACT THAT WILL CREATE A LOT OF NEW JOBS. WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.<|endoftext|>
468 |
469 | SAMPLE 234: <|endoftext|>START: NOW LET US GET DOWN TO BUSINESS. I WANT TO START OFF WITH SOME NEWS YOU MIGHT NOT KNOW. THERE'S SOME NEWS OUT THERE THAT I THINK IS VERY IMPORTANT. IT'S FROM THE WEATHER SERVICE, WEATHER.COM. THEY JUST ANNOUNCED THEY WERE PUSHING OUT THEIR "START TODAY" TIMES, AND THEY'RE NOT SURE WHETHER IT'S GOING TO BE A LITTLE BIT EARLY, A LOT EARLY, A LOT OF TIME. I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS. IT MEANS THE EARLY START TIMES ARE GOING TO LOOK VERY, VERY HARD, AND THE LATER START TIMES ARE GOING TO LOOK VERY, VERY, VERY, GOOD. (LAUGHTER) THAT'S GOOD NEWS, THAT'S A GREAT NEWS. THAT IS A GREAT NEWS. BUT IT ALSO MEANS THERE WILL BE SOME LOWER START TIMES. THERE'S SOME CONFLICTING NEWS ABOUT THAT, BECAUSE THE WEATHER SERVICE SAYS THEY ARE NOT SURE WHAT THE EARLY START TIMES ARE GOING TO BE. THEY'RE NOT SURE IF IT'S EAR
470 |
471 | SAMPLE 235: <|endoftext|>START: YOU HAVE TO KNOW, I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO GET THIS STORY OUT FOR YEARS, AND I HAVE NOT BEEN ABLE. BUT THIS WEEKEND, THE PRESIDENT TWEETED: "I'M GOING TO CALL ON THE PENTAGON AND I'M GOING TO SAY, 'WHY ARE YOU ALL FIGHTING? YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT HAPPENED TO THE WORLD. WHY ARE YOU FIGHTING? YOU'RE NOT OUR BOSS.'" ( LAUGHTER ) AND THE PENTAGON HAD A CONVERSATION WITH ITS OWN HEADQUARTERS, AND THE PRESIDENT SAID: "I'M GOING TO CALL ON THE PENTAGON. I'M GOING TO SAY, 'WHY ARE YOU FIGHTING, PENTAGON, WHY ARE YOU FIGHTING? WHY ARE YOU FIGHTING, PENTAGON, WHY ARE YOU FIGHTING? IT'S NOT OUR BUSINESS. IT'S NOT OUR BUSINESS. IT'S OUR COUNTRY. WE ARE ALL IN THIS BUSINESS TO SAVE OURSELVES FROM THE RUSSIA RUSSIA RUSSIA RUSSIA." ( LAUGHTER ) THAT
472 |
473 | SAMPLE 236: <|endoftext|>START: ( APPLAUSE ) NOW, I KNOW YOU DON'T LIKE TRUMP, BUT HE'S THE ONE PERSON IN THIS COUNTRY WHO'S GOING TO BE HOLDING THE FLOOR FOR THE NEXT FEW YEARS. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HE'S GOT TO BE REALLY GOOD AT THIS. HE'S GOT TO BE. HE'S GOT TO BE. HE'S GOT TO BE A REAL, REAL, REAL HERO, RIGHT? ( LAUGHTER ) HE'S GOT TO BE. HE'S GOT TO BE A REAL, REAL HERO. ( APPLAUSE ) HE HAS TO BE. HE HAS TO BE. HE HAS TO BE. HE'S GOT TO BE.<|endoftext|>
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475 | SAMPLE 237: <|endoftext|>START: (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) WE'RE BACK. WE'RE BACK. WE'RE BACK. WE'RE BACK. WE'RE BACK. WE'RE BACK. WE'RE BACK. WE DON'T KNOW WHO'S GOING TO BE PRESIDENT. WE DON'T KNOW WHO'S GONE. BUT WE'RE GOING TO BE SITTING DOWN WITH A VERY SPECIAL GUEST. WE'RE GOING TO BE SITTING DOWN WITH A VERY SPECIAL GUEST RIGHT NOW, A VERY SPECIAL GUEST, THE GREAT AND THE GOOD, DONALD TRUMP. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) WE'RE SITTING DOWN WITH DONALD TRUMP, THE GREAT AND THE GOOD, RIGHT NOW IN THIS VERY ROOM. WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.<|endoftext|>
476 |
477 | SAMPLE 238: <|endoftext|>START: WE BEGIN THE WEEKEND WITH THE BIG STORY OF THE WEEK. THE TRUMP WHITE HOUSE IS PLANNING TO END THE NATIONAL WELFARE PROGRAM. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. IT'S JUST THE ENDING OF THE WELFARE FORUM, AND IT'S A BIG DEAL. THE PRESIDENT IS PLANNING TO END THE NATIONAL WELFARE PROGRAM WITH THE DECISION OF THE F.D.A., WHICH HAS BEEN HOPING TO END THE PROGRAM FOR YEARS, BUT THE TRUMP WHITE HOUSE IS GOING TO JUST END IT WITH A SHOUT OF "STOP!" AND THEN GET ON WITH THE WORLD'S BUSINESSES. ( LAUGHTER ) AND THIS IS THE BIG DEAL THAT THE TRUMP WHITE HOUSE IS GOING TO MAKE. THEY'RE GOING TO STOP PAYING FOR THE CLASSES THAT STUDENTS NEED TO LEARN HOW TO CUT, PLASTIC AND OTHER WASHING COMPONENTS. AND THEY'RE GOING TO END THE CLASSES WHICH HAVE A HIGH BAR FOR COMPLETENESS
478 |
479 | SAMPLE 239: <|endoftext|>START: THIS IS FRIDAY, EVERYBODY, EVERYBODY. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) THANK YOU. WE'RE HERE TO THANK EVERYBODY HERE TODAY, AND I WANT TO THANK ALL THE PEOPLE THAT ARE OUT THERE, EVERYBODY OUT THERE, FOR YOUR SUPPORT. I'VE BEEN WORKING REALLY HARD THIS WEEK, AND I'M NOT SURE IF IT'S JUST ME OR IF IT'S THE ENVIRONMENT, BUT THE ENVIRONMENT IS BEING TORN APART. WE HAVE BEEN WATCHING THE CREST IN FRONT OF THE WHITE HOUSE GAS PLANT GET SLIGHTLY WORN OUT, AND IT'S HAPPENING BECAUSE OF ANOTHER MAN. (LAUGHTER) YOU KNOW, THIS MORNING, I GOT A CALL FROM THE PRESIDENT. HE WANTED TO MEET HIM FOR A QUIET JOB. I HAD A GREAT TIME WITH THE PRESIDENT. WELL, HE'S NOT IN THE WHITE HOUSE, BUT HE'S WORKING REALLY, REALLY HARD. HE'S BEEN TRYING TO FIX THE ENVIRONMENT. HE HAD A GREAT TIME
480 |
481 | SAMPLE 240: <|endoftext|>START: NOW, I KNOW YOU'RE ALL PRETTY BUSY RIGHT NOW, BUT I WANT TO GIVE YOU SOME TIME TO REST, AND TO REACH YOUR FULL HEALTHY MEAL ENERGY LEVEL. AND I KNOW YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN WORKING REALLY HARD, BUT I'D LIKE TO SAY SOMETHING TO YOU ALL RIGHT NOW. YOU HAVE A LOT OF WORK TO DO. YOU HAVE A LOT OF WORK TO DO. AND I'M HOPE THAT, IN YOUR HONOR OF WORK, YOU WILL ALL WORK TO HELP ME GET THE GOVERNMENT WE NEED. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) THAT'S RIGHT. THAT'S RIGHT. AND I'LL BE WORKING VERY HARD TO GET THE GOVERNMENT THAT WE NEED. AND I KNOW YOU'RE ALL WORKING REALLY HARD, BUT YOU KNOW THAT WE CAN DO IT. YOU KNOW THAT YOU CAN DO IT. AND WE'VE GOT TO GET IT THROWN TOGETHER. (LAUGHTER) WE'VE GOT TO THROW IT TOGETHER. AND I KNOW YOU'VE GOT A LOT OF HANDS TO GRIP. BUT I KNOW YOU'VE
482 |
483 | SAMPLE 241: <|endoftext|>START: (INAUDIBLE) NOW, I'M NOT GOING TO DENY THE IMPORTANCE OF A GOOD SPORTS TEAM. BUT THIS IS A TEAM WITH TWO OF THE WORST HEAD COACHES OF ALL TIME: L.L. Bean's J.C. McCollum AND THE NEW YORK KNICK'S JR. REDEMPTION. (LAUGHTER) (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) THAT'S A BIG MOVE, JR. REDEMPTION. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) THAT'S A BIG MOVE. JR., JR. JR. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) THAT'S A BIG MOVE. THAT'S A BIG MOVE. THAT WAS A BIG MOVE. THAT WAS A BIG MOVE. THAT'S A BIG MOVE. THAT WAS A BIG MOVE. THAT WAS A BIG MOVE, JR. (LAUGHTER) THAT WAS A BIG MOVE. THAT WAS A BIG MOVE. THAT WAS A BIG MOVE. THAT IS A BIG MOVE. THAT WAS A BIG MOVE. THAT WAS A BIG MOVE. THAT WAS A BIG MOVE.
484 |
485 | SAMPLE 242: <|endoftext|>START: WELCOME TO THE "LATE SHOW." I'M STEPHEN COLBERT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT'S FRIDAY, AND WE ARE TALKING ABOUT DONALD TRUMP'S BORDER WALL. IT'S A BIG, BOLD, AND HARDENING PROBLEM FOR THE PRESIDENT. HE SAYS IT'S TOO BIG, IT'S TOO BIG, IT'S TOO BIG, IT'S TOO BIG. AND HE DOESN'T WANT TO BUILD IT, BECAUSE HE'S NOT SURE IF HE'S GOING TO GET THE $1.6 BILLION. AND HE DOESN'T WANT TO BUILD IT, BECAUSE HE'S NOT SURE IF HE'S GOING TO GET THE $1.6 BILLION. AND HE ALSO KNOWS IT'S NOT GOING TO BE BUILT, BECAUSE HE'S NOT SURE IF HE'S GOING TO GET THE $1.6 BILLION. ( AUDIENCE REACTS ) ( LAUGHTER ) AND HE DOESN'T WANT TO BUILD IT
486 |
487 | SAMPLE 243: <|endoftext|>START: THIS IS A VERY BIG STORY. IT'S A HUGE STORY. AND IT'S BEEN HOPING IT'S GOING TO BE AN ENORMOUS DAY. BUT IT'S BEEN HOPING IT'S GOING TO BE A LOT BETTER. AND IT'S BEEN HOPING IT'S GONE FOR GOOD. AND IT'S BEEN HOPING FOR THE DAY THAT TRUMP WASN'T IN THE WHITE HOUSE. AND I MEAN, HE'S NOT EVEN THE LEADERSHIP. ( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S RIGHT. THAT'S RIGHT, TRUMP IS NO LONGER THE LEADERSHIP. ( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S WHAT THEY SAY. ( APPLAUSE ) THAT'S WHAT THEY SAY.<|endoftext|>
488 |
489 | SAMPLE 244: <|endoftext|>START: WE MIGHT HAVE SOME NEW NEWS FROM "THE LATE SHOW" THIS WEEKEND. I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'VE BEEN WAITING A LONG TIME. THE "LATE SHOW" HAS BEEN ON THE DEFENSES FOR THE LAST TWO WEEKS. IT WASN'T JUST THE "LATE SHOW" THAT WENT THROUGH A PROMINENT HOLD, IT WAS "THE LATE SHOW" WITH STEPHEN COLBERT." THE SHOW IS BACK! THANKS, JON. THANKS, JON. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND IT'S BACK, AND IT'S BACK. AND IT'S BACK, AND IT'S BACK. AND WE JUST GOT SOME NEWS THAT MAKES IT LOOK LIKE THE "LATE SHOW" IS GOING TO CONTINUE BEING A HARD HIT FOR THE "NEW YORK TIMES." IT'S NOT JUST THE NEW YORK TIMES, IT'S THE LA TIMES, CBS, THE AP, THE GUY AT "THE LATE SHOW." IT'S JUST THE "NEW YORK TIMES," AND
490 |
491 | SAMPLE 245: <|endoftext|>START: WOW! I HAVE NEVER SEEN A SINGING MICHIGAN CITIZENS LIKE THIS. I'M NOT SURE IF THEY'RE SINGING "MADNESS" OR "LUCK," BUT THEY'RE SINGING IT. I'M SO EXCITED! I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY'RE SINGING "MADNESS" AND NOT, LIKE, "LUCK." I'M SINGING "LUCK" FOR A FURTHER TWO SECONDS. OH, MY GOSH. I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY'RE SINGING "MADNESS." OH, MY GOSH, I CAN BELIEVE THEY'RE SING "MADNESS." OH, MY GOSH, THEY'RE SINGING "MADNESS." OH, MY GOSH, THEY'RE SING "MADNESS." OH, MY GOSH! OH, MY GOD. I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY'RE SINGING "MADNESS." OH, MY GOD, THEY'RE SINGING "MADNESS." OH,
492 |
493 | SAMPLE 246: <|endoftext|>START: WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE NOT A RUSSIAN? ( APPLAUSE ) YOU'RE NOT A RUSSIAN, YOU'RE A HUMAN BEING, YOU KNOW WHO I AM, YOU KNOW WHO I AM. AND I'M NOT GOING TO STAND HERE AND SAY, I DON'T WANT TO HAVE ANY MORE INTERESTS WITH THE UNITED STATES. BUT I WANT TO MAKE IT CLEAR THAT I'M NOT SITTING HERE BEGGING MY HEAD DOWN, BECAUSE I KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON IN THE WORLD. I KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON IN THE WORLD. I'M A HUMAN BEING, YOU KNOW WHO I AM, AND I'VE GOT TO BE CLEAR ABOUT THIS. BECAUSE, I KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING TO YOU. BECAUSE, YOU KNOW WHO I AM, I KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING TO YOU. I KNOW WHO IS HITTING YOU, AND I'M NOT HITTING YOU, I'M NOT HITTING YOU. I KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING TO YOU. I KNOW WHO'S BEING HUR
494 |
495 | SAMPLE 247: <|endoftext|>START: ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'RE BACK. ( CHEERING ) WE'RE BACK. WE'RE BACK FROM THE WEEKEND OF JOE BIDEN. HE WAS THE ONE WHO SAID HE WAS NOT GOING TO RUN AGAIN, BUT HE DID ANNOUNCE HE'S RETIRING. ( LAUGHTER ) HE'LL BE BACK. HE'LL BE BACK. HE'LL BE BACK. ( APPLAUSE ) HE WILL BE BACK, HE WILL BE BACK, AND HE'LL BE THE ONLY ONE WHO'S GOING TO BE THE FIRST WOMAN TO WIN THE PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE FROM A STATE. ( CHEERING ) HE'LL BE THE ONLY ONE. HE WILL BE THE ONLY ONE WHO'S GOING TO BE THE FIRST WOMAN TO WIN THE PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE FROM A STATE. ( APPLAUSE ) HE WILL BE THE FIRST WOMAN TO WIN THE PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE FROM A STATE. ( CHEERING ) HE WILL BE THE FIRST WOMAN TO WIN THE PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE FROM A STATE. ( APPLAUSE ) HE WILL
496 |
497 | SAMPLE 248: <|endoftext|>START: NOW I'VE GOT SOME NEWS FOR YOU, KIDS, AND ALL THE OTHER PEOPLE WHO'RE NOT INTO "THE LATE SHOW." YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN THROUGH THE WORST OF IT, BUT NOW IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO THROW IT ALL OUT THE FROZEN DOOR, BECAUSE I'M GOING TO TELL YOU ABOUT THE REAL TRUTH. ( LAUGHTER ) NOW, I KNOW YOU'RE ALL HUNGRY, BUT I HAVE SOME GOOD NEWS. THE REAL TRUTH ABOUT THE TRUMP FAMILY IS THAT THEY'RE ALL MICHIGAN ZIPCOPIES. ( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF ) AND THEY ALL LOOK THE SAME. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF ) ( PIANO RIFF ) YOU GUYS KNOW THAT, RIGHT? ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF ) ( PIANO RIFF ) YOU KNOW, THE TRUTH IS THAT ALL THE PEOPLE WHO WORK FOR DONALD TRUMP ARE
498 |
499 | SAMPLE 249: <|endoftext|>START: THE BATTLE OF THE TRUMP-IS-A-SCANDAL CONTINUES. LAST WEEK, THE PRESIDENT HELD A PRESS CONFERENCE IN NEW YORK CITY TO DISCUSS THE STATE OF OUR UNION AND THE STATE OF OUR ECONOMY. HE WAS EXCITED TO BE IN THE MIDTERMS OF HIS STATE OF THE UNION, BUT HE WAS ALSO EXCITED TO TALK ABOUT HIS BORDER WALL, WHICH HE SAYS WILL BE "AS BIG AS THE EIGHT CONGRESSMANS' HEADS." ( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S HUGE. THAT'S A LOT. ( APPLAUSE ) THAT'S HUGE. THAT'S HUGE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT'S BIG. THAT'S A BIG, BIG DEAL.<|endoftext|>
500 |
501 | SAMPLE 250: <|endoftext|>START: THIS IS A ROUGH WEEK FOR THE PRESIDENT, BUT HE'S STILL HAD THE SUPPORT OF HIS CANDIDATE FOR THE ELECTION, RON PAUL. "I'M PRETTY SURE HE'LL MAKE IT," PAUL SAID TO THE AP. "BUT HE'LL BE HARD TO DO IT. I THINK HE'S GOT A GOOD SHARE OF THE DEMOCRATIC POLLS, AND THE POLLS ARE GOING TO BE SO HARD FOR HIM TO COME OUT ON TOP, THAT I'D HIGHLY SUGGEST HE GOES TO VOTE FOR DONALD TRUMP." ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) THAT'S RIGHT. THAT'S RIGHT. THAT'S RIGHT.<|endoftext|>
502 |
503 | SAMPLE 251: <|endoftext|>START: THE NEWS HAS BEEN HORRIBLE FOR TRUMP. HE HAS BEEN IN THE MIDDLE OF A LOT OF BAD NEWS. THE LATEST ONE: THE FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATIONS HAS ANNOUNCED THAT IT WILL NOT COME FORWARD WITH A CHARGE AGAINST DONALD TRUMP, WHICH IS A HUGE DEAL FOR THE PRESIDENT. THE BUREAU IS ALSO INVESTIGATING MATT TAIBBI'S ALLEGED MALIGN INTERFERENCE WITH THE RUSSIAN GOVERNMENT. AND TRUMP IS NOT THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED BY THE INVESTIGATION. THERE ARE CONSERVATIVE DEMOCRATS AS well, INCLUDING SENATOR AND DEMOCRATIC FOUNDER OF THE "LATE SHOW," HILLARY CLINTON. AND NOW, THE NEWS HAS CHANGED. TRUMP IS SAYING HE WILL NOT BE CHARGED, AND THE BUREAU WILL NOT INVESTIGATE HIM. AND THE NEW YORK TIMES JUST SAID THAT'S WHAT HE SAID. ( LAUGHTER ) AND THAT'S TRUE. HE SAID THAT, YOU KNOW, I HAVE NOTHING TO DO
504 |
505 | SAMPLE 252: <|endoftext|>START: NOW, THERE ARE SOME PEOPLE WHO ARE REALLY, REALLY, REALLY MAD AT TRUMP. ( LAUGHTER ) I MEAN, I MEAN, REALLY MAD. AND I'M NOT SURE IF THIS IS JUST ME OR IF THIS IS TRUE, BUT I THINK THIS IS TRUE. I THINK THIS IS TRUE. AND THIS IS WHY I'M NOT COMING TO YOUR HOUSE TOMORROW NIGHT. I'M GOING TO KEEP MY HEAD DOWN, WORK ON SOMETHING ELSE, AND BE WITH YOU. ( APPLAUSE ) THAT'S RIGHT, KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN, WORK ON SOMETHING ELSE. ( APPLAUSE ) THAT'S WHAT YOU DO WHEN YOU'RE NOT WORKING.<|endoftext|>
506 |
507 | SAMPLE 253: <|endoftext|>START: YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE TO KEEP IN MIND THAT THE NEW YORK TIMES IS ALSO RUN BY DONALD TRUMP, AND THEY'VE JUST ANNOUNCED THE NEXT PORTION OF THEIR "NEWSPAPERS" COVERAGE. IT'S CALLED "THE NEW YORK TIMES." AND THEY'VE JUST ANNOUNCED THE COVERAGE WITH THE NAME DONALD TRUMP, AND IT'S CALLED, I BELIEVE IT'S THE NAME OF A SINGLE PERSON, DONALD TRUMP. AND I BELIEVE IT'S THE NAME OF A SINGLE PERSON, AND IT'S JUST THE NAME OF A SINGLE PERSON. AND IT JUST COMES TO US FROM A SINGLE PERSON, DONALD TRUMP. AND IT JUST COMES TO US FROM A SINGLE PERSON, AND HE JUST CALLED IT, "THE NEW YORK TIMES." IT'S JUST THE NAME OF A SINGLE PERSON. AND IT'S JUST THE NAME OF A SINGLE PERSON. AND IT JUST COMES TO US FROM THE SAME SOURCE, AND IT JUST COMES TO US FROM THE SAME SOURCE. (LAUGHTER) IT'S JUST
508 |
509 | SAMPLE 254: <|endoftext|>START: THE NEWS IS FRIDAY. THE PRESIDENT'S AIDING A LOT OF THE CONSERVATIVE MOVEMENTS, INCLUDING THE REPUBLICANS' REPUBLICAN NATIONAL COMMITTEE ON FOREIGN POLICY. I'M NOT SURE WHETHER THEY'LL ACT UP FOR IT, BUT THEY SHOULD. ( LAUGHTER ) AND THE NEW YORK TIMES JUST RELEASED A FULL-BLACK AND WHITE VERSION OF THE BOOK, AND IT'S CALLED, "THE NEW REPUBLICAN BOOK." ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND THE PRICE IS $49.95. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE PRICE IS FOR THE ORIGINAL. IT'S LIKE $200. I'M SORRY. IT'S A NEW BOOK. I'M NOT SURE IF IT'S THE SAME AUTHOR. I DON'T KNOW WHO THIS AUTHOR IS. IT JUST SAYS THE SAME THING. ( LAUGHTER ) AND IT'S JUST BEAUTIFUL. IT LOOKS LIKE A BOOK. IT JUST LOOKS LIKE A BOOK.<|endoftext|>
510 |
511 | SAMPLE 255: <|endoftext|>START: THIS IS FRIDAY, EVERYBODY. IT'S FRIDAY. (LAUGHTER) IT'S FRIDAY. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) IT'S FRIDAY. IT'S FRIDAY. IT'S FRIDAY.<|endoftext|>
512 |
513 | SAMPLE 256: <|endoftext|>START: WE'RE BACK! (LAUGHTER) WE'RE BACK. WE'RE BACK FROM WEEKEND OF JOE BIDEN'S "TRUMP IS A RACIST, RACIST MAN," WHERE HE WAS ALSO CALLED A RACIST, RACIST BITCH. AND NOW WE'RE LEARNING HE'S A BIG FAN OF "DANCING WITH THE STARS." (LAUGHTER) AND THIS WEEKEND, BIDEN WENT TO "THE O'REILLY BROADCAST" TO SHOW OFF HIS BOWL HANDS AND HIS BOWL STYLE. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) IT WAS A GREAT SHOW. IT WOULD BE A GREAT SHOW IF IT WASN'T FOR THIS. WE'RE LEARNING BIDEN'S BODY ISN'T JUST A LIFETIME GIFT FROM HIS FAMILY. IT'S A REAL PERSON. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) IT'S A REAL PERSON. (LAUGHTER) IT'S A REAL PERSON. (LAUGHTER) IT'S A REAL PERSON. IT WAS A REAL PERSON WHO DID THIS. IT'
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