├── .gitignore ├── Gemfile ├── spec ├── data │ ├── swear.yml │ ├── carlin_dirty_words.txt │ ├── carlin_dirty_words_censored.txt │ └── epictetus_enchiridion.txt ├── spec_helper.rb ├── acceptance_spec.rb └── swearjar_spec.rb ├── lib ├── swearjar │ └── version.rb ├── swearjar.rb └── config │ └── en.yml ├── .travis.yml ├── Rakefile ├── CHANGELOG.md ├── README.md ├── swearjar.gemspec └── LICENSE /.gitignore: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1 | Gemfile.lock 2 | pkg -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- /Gemfile: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1 | source "https://rubygems.org" 2 | 3 | gemspec 4 | -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- /spec/data/swear.yml: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1 | --- 2 | simple: 3 | "python": ["sexual"] 4 | -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- /lib/swearjar/version.rb: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1 | class Swearjar 2 | VERSION = '1.4.0' 3 | end 4 | -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- /.travis.yml: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1 | rvm: 2 | - ruby-2.0.0 3 | - ruby-2.6 4 | - jruby 5 | sudo: false 6 | -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- /spec/spec_helper.rb: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1 | require File.expand_path(File.join(File.dirname(__FILE__), '..', 'lib', 'swearjar')) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- /Rakefile: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1 | # encoding: utf-8 2 | 3 | require "bundler/gem_tasks" 4 | require "rspec/core/rake_task" 5 | RSpec::Core::RakeTask.new(:spec) 6 | task :default => :spec 7 | -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- /CHANGELOG.md: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1 | # Changelog 2 | 3 | ### v1.4.0 (2020-06-01) 4 | - Allow override of censor character 5 | 6 | ### v1.1.0 (2016-02-13) 7 | - Add emoji support 8 | - Censor middle finger emoji by default 9 | 10 | ### v1.0.0 (2012-04-02) 11 | - Detect plurals 12 | -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- /spec/acceptance_spec.rb: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1 | require 'spec_helper' 2 | 3 | describe Swearjar do 4 | it "censors George Carlin's Seven Dirty Words routine" do 5 | original_text = File.open(File.expand_path("../data/carlin_dirty_words.txt", __FILE__)).read 6 | expected_censored_text = File.open(File.expand_path("../data/carlin_dirty_words_censored.txt", __FILE__)).read 7 | censored_text = Swearjar.default.censor(original_text) 8 | 9 | expect(censored_text).to eq(expected_censored_text) 10 | end 11 | 12 | it "does not censor Epictetus' Enchiridion" do 13 | original_text = File.open(File.expand_path("../data/epictetus_enchiridion.txt", __FILE__)).read 14 | censored_text = Swearjar.default.censor(original_text) 15 | 16 | expect(censored_text).to eq(original_text) 17 | end 18 | end 19 | -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- /README.md: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1 | # Swearjar 2 | 3 | Simple profanity detection with content analysis. 4 | 5 | ## Installation 6 | 7 | `gem install swearjar` 8 | 9 | ## Usage 10 | 11 | ```ruby 12 | require "swearjar" 13 | 14 | sj = Swearjar.default 15 | 16 | sj.profane?("jim henson has a massive hard on he is gonna use to fuck everybody") 17 | # => true 18 | 19 | sj.scorecard("jim henson has a massive hard on he is gonna use to fuck everybody") 20 | # => {:sexual => 2} 21 | 22 | sj.censor("jim henson has a massive hard on he is gonna use to fuck everybody") 23 | # => "jim henson has a massive **** ** he is gonna use to **** everybody" 24 | ``` 25 | 26 | The censor mask `*` can be overridden: 27 | 28 | ```ruby 29 | sj.censor("damn", "X") 30 | # => "XXXX" 31 | ``` 32 | 33 | To load from a custom config file, you can do the following: 34 | 35 | ```ruby 36 | # For an example see lib/config/en.yml 37 | sj = Swearjar.new("my_swears.yml") 38 | ``` 39 | -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- /swearjar.gemspec: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1 | # -*- encoding: utf-8 -*- 2 | 3 | require File.join(File.dirname(__FILE__), 'lib', 'swearjar', 'version') 4 | 5 | Gem::Specification.new do |s| 6 | s.name = 'swearjar' 7 | s.version = Swearjar::VERSION 8 | s.required_rubygems_version = Gem::Requirement.new(">= 0") if s.respond_to? :required_rubygems_version= 9 | s.authors = ["Joshua Hull"] 10 | s.summary = "Put another nickel in the swearjar. Simple profanity detection with content analysis" 11 | s.description = "#{s.summary}." 12 | s.email = %q{joshbuddy@gmail.com} 13 | s.licenses = ['MIT'] 14 | s.extra_rdoc_files = ['README.md'] 15 | s.files = `git ls-files`.split("\n") 16 | s.homepage = %q{http://github.com/joshbuddy/swearjar} 17 | s.rdoc_options = ["--charset=UTF-8"] 18 | s.require_paths = ["lib"] 19 | s.rubygems_version = %q{1.3.7} 20 | s.test_files = `git ls-files`.split("\n").select{|f| f =~ /^spec/} 21 | 22 | # dependencies 23 | s.add_development_dependency 'rake', '>= 12.3.3' 24 | s.add_development_dependency 'rspec', '~> 3.9' 25 | s.add_development_dependency 'pry', '~> 0.13' 26 | end 27 | 28 | -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- /LICENSE: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1 | MIT License 2 | 3 | Copyright (c) 2019 Poll Everywhere 4 | 5 | Permission is hereby granted, free of charge, to any person obtaining a copy 6 | of this software and associated documentation files (the "Software"), to deal 7 | in the Software without restriction, including without limitation the rights 8 | to use, copy, modify, merge, publish, distribute, sublicense, and/or sell 9 | copies of the Software, and to permit persons to whom the Software is 10 | furnished to do so, subject to the following conditions: 11 | 12 | The above copyright notice and this permission notice shall be included in all 13 | copies or substantial portions of the Software. 14 | 15 | THE SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED "AS IS", WITHOUT WARRANTY OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR 16 | IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO THE WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY, 17 | FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE AND NONINFRINGEMENT. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE 18 | AUTHORS OR COPYRIGHT HOLDERS BE LIABLE FOR ANY CLAIM, DAMAGES OR OTHER 19 | LIABILITY, WHETHER IN AN ACTION OF CONTRACT, TORT OR OTHERWISE, ARISING FROM, 20 | OUT OF OR IN CONNECTION WITH THE SOFTWARE OR THE USE OR OTHER DEALINGS IN THE 21 | SOFTWARE. 22 | -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- /spec/swearjar_spec.rb: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1 | # encoding: UTF-8 2 | require 'spec_helper' 3 | 4 | describe Swearjar do 5 | it "should detect dirty words" do 6 | expect(Swearjar.default.profane?('jackass chan')).to be_truthy 7 | end 8 | 9 | it "should detect dirty words regardless of case" do 10 | expect(Swearjar.default.profane?('JACKASS CHAN')).to be_truthy 11 | end 12 | 13 | it "should not detect non-dirty words" do 14 | expect(Swearjar.default.profane?('I love Jackie Chan movies')).to be_falsey 15 | end 16 | 17 | it "should give us a scorecard" do 18 | expect(Swearjar.default.scorecard('honky jim henson')).to eq({'discriminatory'=>1}) 19 | end 20 | 21 | it "should detect multiword" do 22 | expect(Swearjar.default.scorecard('jim henson has a hard on')).to eq({'sexual'=>1}) 23 | end 24 | 25 | it "should detect multiword plurals" do 26 | expect(Swearjar.default.scorecard('jim henson has a hard ons')).to eq({'sexual'=>1}) 27 | end 28 | 29 | it "should detect simple dirty plurals" do 30 | expect(Swearjar.default.profane?('jim henson had two dicks')).to be_truthy 31 | expect(Swearjar.default.profane?('jim henson has two asses')).to be_truthy 32 | end 33 | 34 | it "should censor a string" do 35 | expect(Swearjar.default.censor('jim henson has a massive hard on he is gonna use to fuck everybody')).to eq('jim henson has a massive **** ** he is gonna use to **** everybody') 36 | end 37 | 38 | it "should not do much when given a non-string" do 39 | expect(Swearjar.default.profane?(nil)).to be_falsey 40 | end 41 | 42 | it "doesn't mark an empty string as profane" do 43 | expect(Swearjar.default.profane?("")).to be_falsey 44 | end 45 | 46 | it "should allow you to load a new yaml file" do 47 | sj = Swearjar.new(File.expand_path('../data/swear.yml', __FILE__)) 48 | expect(sj.censor("Python is the best language!")).to eq("****** is the best language!") 49 | end 50 | 51 | it "detects multiple entries" do 52 | expect(Swearjar.default.scorecard("cunts cunts cunts")).to eq({"insult" => 3, "sexual" => 3}) 53 | expect(Swearjar.default.scorecard("damn damnit dammit")).to eq({"inappropriate" => 3, "blasphemy" => 3}) 54 | end 55 | 56 | it "detects plurals of words ending in 'e'" do 57 | expect(Swearjar.default.profane?("asspirates")).to be_truthy 58 | end 59 | 60 | it "detects profane emojis" do 61 | expect(Swearjar.default.profane?("🖕")).to be_truthy 62 | end 63 | 64 | it "detects profane emojis with skin tone" do 65 | expect(Swearjar.default.profane?("🖕🏾")).to be_truthy 66 | end 67 | 68 | it "censors profane emojis" do 69 | expect(Swearjar.default.censor("Fuck you🖕 🖕🖕")).to eq("**** you* **") 70 | end 71 | 72 | it "censors with regular expression matching" do 73 | expect(Swearjar.default.censor("foonIgg3rbar foo nigger")).to eq("************ foo ******") 74 | end 75 | 76 | it "censors with a mix of normal and regular expression matches" do 77 | expect(Swearjar.default.censor("fagfaggot faggotfag")).to eq("********* *********") 78 | end 79 | 80 | it "detects scorecard with regular expression matching" do 81 | expect(Swearjar.default.scorecard("foonIgg3rbar foo nigger")).to eq({"discriminatory" => 2}) 82 | end 83 | 84 | it "substitutes multiple occurrences of a word" do 85 | expect(Swearjar.default.censor("anus anus anuses")).to eq("**** **** ******") 86 | end 87 | 88 | it "doesn't substitute simple words when they occur later as substrings" do 89 | expect(Swearjar.default.censor("anus janus")).to eq("**** janus") 90 | end 91 | 92 | it "detects profane phrases with spaces" do 93 | expect(Swearjar.default.censor("nut sack nutsac nut sac ")).to eq("*** **** ****** *** *** ") 94 | expect(Swearjar.default.censor("junglebunnies jungle bunnyabc")).to eq("************* ****** ********") 95 | end 96 | 97 | it "allows a custom censor mask" do 98 | expect(Swearjar.default.censor("a fucked to hell nut sack", "X")).to eq("a XXXXXX to XXXX XXX XXXX") 99 | end 100 | end 101 | -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- /lib/swearjar.rb: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1 | # frozen_string_literal: true 2 | 3 | require 'yaml' 4 | 5 | class Swearjar 6 | DEFAULT_SENSOR_MASK = '*' 7 | WORD_REGEX = /\b[a-zA-Z-]+\b/ 8 | 9 | # https://github.com/franklsf95/ruby-emoji-regex 10 | EMOJI_REGEX = /[\u{00A9}\u{00AE}\u{203C}\u{2049}\u{2122}\u{2139}\u{2194}-\u{2199}\u{21A9}-\u{21AA}\u{231A}-\u{231B}\u{2328}\u{23CF}\u{23E9}-\u{23F3}\u{23F8}-\u{23FA}\u{24C2}\u{25AA}-\u{25AB}\u{25B6}\u{25C0}\u{25FB}-\u{25FE}\u{2600}-\u{2604}\u{260E}\u{2611}\u{2614}-\u{2615}\u{2618}\u{261D}\u{2620}\u{2622}-\u{2623}\u{2626}\u{262A}\u{262E}-\u{262F}\u{2638}-\u{263A}\u{2648}-\u{2653}\u{2660}\u{2663}\u{2665}-\u{2666}\u{2668}\u{267B}\u{267F}\u{2692}-\u{2694}\u{2696}-\u{2697}\u{2699}\u{269B}-\u{269C}\u{26A0}-\u{26A1}\u{26AA}-\u{26AB}\u{26B0}-\u{26B1}\u{26BD}-\u{26BE}\u{26C4}-\u{26C5}\u{26C8}\u{26CE}-\u{26CF}\u{26D1}\u{26D3}-\u{26D4}\u{26E9}-\u{26EA}\u{26F0}-\u{26F5}\u{26F7}-\u{26FA}\u{26FD}\u{2702}\u{2705}\u{2708}-\u{270D}\u{270F}\u{2712}\u{2714}\u{2716}\u{271D}\u{2721}\u{2728}\u{2733}-\u{2734}\u{2744}\u{2747}\u{274C}\u{274E}\u{2753}-\u{2755}\u{2757}\u{2763}-\u{2764}\u{2795}-\u{2797}\u{27A1}\u{27B0}\u{27BF}\u{2934}-\u{2935}\u{2B05}-\u{2B07}\u{2B1B}-\u{2B1C}\u{2B50}\u{2B55}\u{3030}\u{303D}\u{3297}\u{3299}\u{1F004}\u{1F0CF}\u{1F170}-\u{1F171}\u{1F17E}-\u{1F17F}\u{1F18E}\u{1F191}-\u{1F19A}\u{1F201}-\u{1F202}\u{1F21A}\u{1F22F}\u{1F232}-\u{1F23A}\u{1F250}-\u{1F251}\u{1F300}-\u{1F321}\u{1F324}-\u{1F393}\u{1F396}-\u{1F397}\u{1F399}-\u{1F39B}\u{1F39E}-\u{1F3F0}\u{1F3F3}-\u{1F3F5}\u{1F3F7}-\u{1F4FD}\u{1F4FF}-\u{1F53D}\u{1F549}-\u{1F54E}\u{1F550}-\u{1F567}\u{1F56F}-\u{1F570}\u{1F573}-\u{1F579}\u{1F587}\u{1F58A}-\u{1F58D}\u{1F590}\u{1F595}-\u{1F596}\u{1F5A5}\u{1F5A8}\u{1F5B1}-\u{1F5B2}\u{1F5BC}\u{1F5C2}-\u{1F5C4}\u{1F5D1}-\u{1F5D3}\u{1F5DC}-\u{1F5DE}\u{1F5E1}\u{1F5E3}\u{1F5EF}\u{1F5F3}\u{1F5FA}-\u{1F64F}\u{1F680}-\u{1F6C5}\u{1F6CB}-\u{1F6D0}\u{1F6E0}-\u{1F6E5}\u{1F6E9}\u{1F6EB}-\u{1F6EC}\u{1F6F0}\u{1F6F3}\u{1F910}-\u{1F918}\u{1F980}-\u{1F984}\u{1F9C0}]/ 11 | 12 | def self.default 13 | from_language('en') 14 | end 15 | 16 | def self.from_language(language) 17 | new(File.join(File.dirname(__FILE__), 'config', "#{language}.yml")) 18 | end 19 | 20 | def initialize(file = nil) 21 | @hash = {} 22 | @regexs = {} 23 | load_file(file) if file 24 | end 25 | 26 | def profane?(string) 27 | string = string.to_s 28 | scan(string) {|test| return true if test } 29 | false 30 | end 31 | 32 | def scorecard(string) 33 | string = string.to_s 34 | scorecard = {} 35 | scan(string) do |test| 36 | next unless test 37 | test.each do |type| 38 | scorecard[type] = 0 unless scorecard.key?(type) 39 | scorecard[type] += 1 40 | end 41 | end 42 | scorecard 43 | end 44 | 45 | def censor(string, censor_mask = DEFAULT_SENSOR_MASK) 46 | censored_string = string.to_s.dup 47 | scan(string) do |test, word, position| 48 | next unless test 49 | replacement = block_given? ? yield(word) : word.gsub(/\S/, censor_mask) 50 | censored_string[position, word.size] = replacement 51 | end 52 | censored_string 53 | end 54 | 55 | private 56 | 57 | def load_file(file) 58 | data = YAML.load_file(file) 59 | 60 | data['regex'].each do |pattern, type| 61 | @regexs[Regexp.new(pattern, "i")] = type 62 | end if data['regex'] 63 | 64 | data['simple'].each do |test, type| 65 | @hash[test] = type 66 | end if data['simple'] 67 | 68 | data['emoji'].each do |unicode, type| 69 | char = [unicode.hex].pack("U") 70 | @hash[char] = type 71 | end if data['emoji'] 72 | end 73 | 74 | def scan(string, &block) 75 | string.scan(WORD_REGEX) do |word| 76 | position = Regexp.last_match.offset(0)[0] 77 | test = @hash[word.downcase] || 78 | @hash[word.downcase.sub(/s\z/,'')] || 79 | @hash[word.downcase.sub(/es\z/,'')] 80 | block.call(test, word, position) 81 | end 82 | 83 | string.scan(EMOJI_REGEX) do |emoji_char| 84 | position = Regexp.last_match.offset(0)[0] 85 | block.call(@hash[emoji_char], emoji_char, position) 86 | end 87 | 88 | @regexs.each do |regex, type| 89 | string.scan(regex) do |word| 90 | position = Regexp.last_match.offset(0)[0] 91 | block.call(type, word, position) 92 | end 93 | end 94 | end 95 | end 96 | -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- /spec/data/carlin_dirty_words.txt: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1 | Aruba-du, ruba-tu, ruba-tu. I was thinking about the curse words and the swear 2 | words, the cuss words and the words that you can't say, that you're not 3 | supposed to say all the time, ['cause] words or people into words want to hear 4 | your words. Some guys like to record your words and sell them back to you if 5 | they can, (laughter) listen in on the telephone, write down what words you say. 6 | A guy who used to be in Washington knew that his phone was tapped, used to 7 | answer, Fuck Hoover, yes, go ahead. (laughter) Okay, I was thinking one night 8 | about the words you couldn't say on the public, ah, airwaves, um, the ones you 9 | definitely wouldn't say, ever, [']cause I heard a lady say bitch one night on 10 | television, and it was cool like she was talking about, you know, ah, well, the 11 | bitch is the first one to notice that in the litter Johnie right (murmur) 12 | Right. And, uh, bastard you can say, and hell and damn so I have to figure out 13 | which ones you couldn't and ever and it came down to seven but the list is open 14 | to amendment, and in fact, has been changed, uh, by now, ha, a lot of people 15 | pointed things out to me, and I noticed some myself. The original seven words 16 | were, shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits. Those are the 17 | ones that will curve your spine, grow hair on your hands and (laughter) maybe, 18 | even bring us, God help us, peace without honor (laughter) um, and a bourbon. 19 | (laughter) And now the first thing that we noticed was that word fuck was 20 | really repeated in there because the word motherfucker is a compound word and 21 | it's another form of the word fuck. (laughter) You want to be a purist it 22 | doesn't really -- it can't be on the list of basic words. Also, cocksucker is a 23 | compound word and neither half of that is really dirty. The word -- the half 24 | sucker that's merely suggestive (laughter) and the word cock is a half-way 25 | dirty word, 50% dirty -- dirty half the time, depending on what you mean by it. 26 | (laughter) Uh, remember when you first heard it, like in 6th grade, you used to 27 | giggle. And the cock crowed three times, heh (laughter) the cock -- three 28 | times. It's in the Bible, cock in the Bible. (laughter) And the first time you 29 | heard about a cock-fight, remember -- What? Huh? naw. It ain't that, are you 30 | stupid? man. (laughter, clapping) It's chickens, you know, (laughter) Then you 31 | have the four letter words from the old Anglo-Saxon fame. Uh, shit and fuck. 32 | The word shit, uh, is an interesting kind of word in that the middle class has 33 | never really accepted it and approved it. They use it like, crazy but it's not 34 | really okay. It's still a rude, dirty, old kind of gushy word. (laughter) They 35 | don't like that, but they say it, like, they say it like, a lady now in a 36 | middle-class home, you'll hear most of the time she says it as an expletive, 37 | you know, it's out of her mouth before she knows. She says, Oh shit oh shit, 38 | (laughter) oh shit. If she drops something, Oh, the shit hurt the broccoli. 39 | Shit. Thank you. (footsteps fading away) (papers ruffling) 40 | 41 | Read it! (from audience) 42 | 43 | Shit! (laughter) I won the Grammy, man, for the comedy album. Isn't that 44 | groovy? (clapping, whistling) (murmur) That's true. Thank you. Thank you man. 45 | Yeah. (murmur) (continuous clapping) Thank you man. Thank you. Thank you very 46 | much, man. Thank, no, (end of continuous clapping) for that and for the Grammy, 47 | man, [']cause (laughter) that's based on people liking it man, yeh, that's ah, 48 | that's okay man. (laughter) Let's let that go, man. I got my Grammy. I can let 49 | my hair hang down now, shit. (laughter) Ha! So! Now the word shit is okay for 50 | the man. At work you can say it like crazy. Mostly figuratively, Get that shit 51 | out of here, will ya? I don't want to see that shit anymore. I can't cut that 52 | shit, buddy. I've had that shit up to here. I think you're full of shit myself. 53 | (laughter) He don't know shit from Shinola. (laughter) you know that? 54 | (laughter) Always wondered how the Shinola people feel about that (laughter) 55 | Hi, I'm the new man from Shinola. (laughter) Hi, how are ya? Nice to see ya. 56 | (laughter) How are ya? (laughter) Boy, I don't know whether to shit or wind my 57 | watch. (laughter) Guess, I'll shit on my watch. (laughter) Oh, the shit is 58 | going to hit de fan. (laughter) Built like a brick shit-house. (laughter) Up, 59 | he's up shit's creek. (laughter) He's had it. (laughter) He hit me, I'm sorry. 60 | (laughter) Hot shit, holy shit, tough shit, eat shit, (laughter) shit-eating 61 | grin. Uh, whoever thought of that was ill. (murmur laughter) He had a 62 | shit-eating grin! He had a what? (laughter) Shit on a stick. (laughter) Shit in 63 | a handbag. I always like that. He ain't worth shit in a handbag. (laughter) 64 | Shitty. He acted real shitty. (laughter) You know what I mean? (laughter) I got 65 | the money back, but a real shitty attitude. Heh, he had a shit-fit. (laughter) 66 | Wow! Shit-fit. Whew! Glad I wasn't there. (murmur, laughter) All the animals -- 67 | Bull shit, horse shit, cow shit, rat shit, bat shit. (laughter) First time I 68 | heard bat shit, I really came apart. A guy in Oklahoma, Boggs, said it, man. 69 | Aw! Bat shit. (laughter) Vera reminded me of that last night, ah (murmur). 70 | Snake shit, slicker than owl shit. (laughter) Get your shit together. Shit or 71 | get off the pot. (laughter) I got a shit-load full of them. (laughter) I got a 72 | shit-pot full, all right. Shit-head, shit-heel, shit in your heart, shit for 73 | brains, (laughter) shit-face, heh (laughter) I always try to think how that 74 | could have originated; the first guy that said that. Somebody got drunk and 75 | fell in some shit, you know. (laughter) Hey, I'm shit-face. (laughter) 76 | Shitface, today. (laughter) Anyway, enough of that shit. (laughter) The big 77 | one, the word fuck that's the one that hangs them up the most. [']Cause in a 78 | lot of cases that's the very act that hangs them up the most. So, it's natural 79 | that the word would, uh, have the same effect. It's a great word, fuck, nice 80 | word, easy word, cute word, kind of. Easy word to say. One syllable, short u. 81 | (laughter) Fuck. (Murmur) You know, it's easy. Starts with a nice soft sound 82 | fuh ends with a kuh. Right? (laughter) A little something for everyone. Fuck 83 | (laughter) Good word. Kind of a proud word, too. Who are you? I am FUCK. 84 | (laughter) FUCK OF THE MOUNTAIN. (laughter) Tune in again next week to FUCK OF 85 | THE MOUNTAIN. (laughter) It's an interesting word too, [']cause it's got a 86 | double kind of a life -- personality -- dual, you know, whatever the right 87 | phrase is. It leads a double life, the word fuck. First of all, it means, 88 | sometimes, most of the time, fuck. What does it mean? It means to make love. 89 | Right? We're going to make love, yeh, we're going to fuck, yeh, we're going to 90 | fuck, yeh, we're going to make love. (laughter) we're really going to fuck, 91 | yeah, we're going to make love. Right? And it also means the beginning of life, 92 | it's the act that begins life, so there's the word hanging around with words 93 | like love, and life, and yet on the other hand, it's also a word that we really 94 | use to hurt each other with, man. It's a heavy. It's one that you have toward 95 | the end of the argument. (laughter) Right? (laughter) You finally can't make 96 | out. Oh, fuck you man. I said, fuck you. (laughter, murmur) Stupid fuck. 97 | (laughter) Fuck you and everybody that looks like you. (laughter) man. It would 98 | be nice to change the movies that we already have and substitute the word fuck 99 | for the word kill, wherever we could, and some of those movie cliches would 100 | change a little bit. Madfuckers still on the loose. Stop me before I fuck 101 | again. Fuck the ump, fuck the ump, fuck the ump, fuck the ump, fuck the ump. 102 | Easy on the clutch Bill, you'll fuck that engine again. (laughter) The other 103 | shit one was, I don't give a shit. Like it's worth something, you know? 104 | (laughter) I don't give a shit. Hey, well, I don't take no shit, (laughter) you 105 | know what I mean? You know why I don't take no shit? (laughter) [']Cause I 106 | don't give a shit. (laughter) If I give a shit, I would have to pack shit. 107 | (laughter) But I don't pack no shit cause I don't give a shit. (laughter) You 108 | wouldn't shit me, would you? (laughter) That's a joke when you're a kid with a 109 | worm looking out the bird's ass. You wouldn't shit me, would you? (laughter) 110 | It's an eight-year-old joke but a good one. (laughter) The additions to the 111 | list. I found three more words that had to be put on the list of words you 112 | could never say on television, and they were fart, turd and twat, those three. 113 | (laughter) Fart, we talked about, it's harmless It's like tits, it's a cutie 114 | word, no problem. Turd, you can't say but who wants to, you know? (laughter) 115 | The subject never comes up on the panel so I'm not worried about that one. Now 116 | the word twat is an interesting word. Twat! Yeh, right in the twat. (laughter) 117 | Twat is an interesting word because it's the only one I know of, the only slang 118 | word applying to the, a part of the sexual anatomy that doesn't have another 119 | meaning to it. Like, ah, snatch, box and pussy all have other meanings, man. 120 | Even in a Walt Disney movie, you can say, We're going to snatch that pussy and 121 | put him in a box and bring him on the airplane. (murmur, laughter) Everybody 122 | loves it. The twat stands alone, man, as it should. And two-way words. Ah, ass 123 | is okay providing you're riding into town on a religious feast day. (laughter) 124 | You can't say, up your ass. (laughter) You can say, stuff it! (murmur) There 125 | are certain things you can say its weird but you can just come so close. Before 126 | I cut, I, uh, want to, ah, thank you for listening to my words, man, fellow, uh 127 | space travelers. Thank you man for tonight and thank you also. (clapping 128 | whistling) 129 | -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- /spec/data/carlin_dirty_words_censored.txt: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1 | Aruba-du, ruba-tu, ruba-tu. I was thinking about the curse words and the swear 2 | words, the cuss words and the words that you can't say, that you're not 3 | supposed to say all the time, ['cause] words or people into words want to hear 4 | your words. Some guys like to record your words and sell them back to you if 5 | they can, (laughter) listen in on the telephone, write down what words you say. 6 | A guy who used to be in Washington knew that his phone was tapped, used to 7 | answer, **** Hoover, yes, go ahead. (laughter) Okay, I was thinking one night 8 | about the words you couldn't say on the public, ah, airwaves, um, the ones you 9 | definitely wouldn't say, ever, [']cause I heard a lady say ***** one night on 10 | television, and it was cool like she was talking about, you know, ah, well, the 11 | ***** is the first one to notice that in the litter Johnie right (murmur) 12 | Right. And, uh, ******* you can say, and **** and **** so I have to figure out 13 | which ones you couldn't and ever and it came down to seven but the list is open 14 | to amendment, and in fact, has been changed, uh, by now, ha, a lot of people 15 | pointed things out to me, and I noticed some myself. The original seven words 16 | were, ****, ****, ****, ****, **********, ************, and ****. Those are the 17 | ones that will curve your spine, grow hair on your hands and (laughter) maybe, 18 | even bring us, God help us, peace without honor (laughter) um, and a bourbon. 19 | (laughter) And now the first thing that we noticed was that word **** was 20 | really repeated in there because the word ************ is a compound word and 21 | it's another form of the word ****. (laughter) You want to be a purist it 22 | doesn't really -- it can't be on the list of basic words. Also, ********** is a 23 | compound word and neither half of that is really dirty. The word -- the half 24 | sucker that's merely suggestive (laughter) and the word **** is a half-way 25 | dirty word, 50% dirty -- dirty half the time, depending on what you mean by it. 26 | (laughter) Uh, remember when you first heard it, like in 6th grade, you used to 27 | giggle. And the **** crowed three times, heh (laughter) the **** -- three 28 | times. It's in the Bible, **** in the Bible. (laughter) And the first time you 29 | heard about a cock-fight, remember -- What? Huh? naw. It ain't that, are you 30 | stupid? man. (laughter, clapping) It's chickens, you know, (laughter) Then you 31 | have the four letter words from the old Anglo-Saxon fame. Uh, **** and ****. 32 | The word ****, uh, is an interesting kind of word in that the middle class has 33 | never really accepted it and approved it. They use it like, crazy but it's not 34 | really okay. It's still a rude, dirty, old kind of gushy word. (laughter) They 35 | don't like that, but they say it, like, they say it like, a lady now in a 36 | middle-class home, you'll hear most of the time she says it as an expletive, 37 | you know, it's out of her mouth before she knows. She says, Oh **** oh ****, 38 | (laughter) oh ****. If she drops something, Oh, the **** hurt the broccoli. 39 | ****. Thank you. (footsteps fading away) (papers ruffling) 40 | 41 | Read it! (from audience) 42 | 43 | ****! (laughter) I won the Grammy, man, for the comedy album. Isn't that 44 | groovy? (clapping, whistling) (murmur) That's true. Thank you. Thank you man. 45 | Yeah. (murmur) (continuous clapping) Thank you man. Thank you. Thank you very 46 | much, man. Thank, no, (end of continuous clapping) for that and for the Grammy, 47 | man, [']cause (laughter) that's based on people liking it man, yeh, that's ah, 48 | that's okay man. (laughter) Let's let that go, man. I got my Grammy. I can let 49 | my hair hang down now, ****. (laughter) Ha! So! Now the word **** is okay for 50 | the man. At work you can say it like crazy. Mostly figuratively, Get that **** 51 | out of here, will ya? I don't want to see that **** anymore. I can't cut that 52 | ****, buddy. I've had that **** up to here. I think you're full of **** myself. 53 | (laughter) He don't know **** from Shinola. (laughter) you know that? 54 | (laughter) Always wondered how the Shinola people feel about that (laughter) 55 | Hi, I'm the new man from Shinola. (laughter) Hi, how are ya? Nice to see ya. 56 | (laughter) How are ya? (laughter) Boy, I don't know whether to **** or wind my 57 | watch. (laughter) Guess, I'll **** on my watch. (laughter) Oh, the **** is 58 | going to hit de fan. (laughter) Built like a brick **********. (laughter) Up, 59 | he's up ****'s creek. (laughter) He's had it. (laughter) He hit me, I'm sorry. 60 | (laughter) Hot ****, holy ****, tough ****, eat ****, (laughter) *********** 61 | grin. Uh, whoever thought of that was ill. (murmur laughter) He had a 62 | *********** grin! He had a what? (laughter) **** on a stick. (laughter) **** in 63 | a handbag. I always like that. He ain't worth **** in a handbag. (laughter) 64 | ******. He acted real ******. (laughter) You know what I mean? (laughter) I got 65 | the money back, but a real ****** attitude. Heh, he had a ********. (laughter) 66 | Wow! ********. Whew! Glad I wasn't there. (murmur, laughter) All the animals -- 67 | Bull ****, horse ****, cow ****, rat ****, bat ****. (laughter) First time I 68 | heard bat ****, I really came apart. A guy in Oklahoma, Boggs, said it, man. 69 | Aw! Bat ****. (laughter) Vera reminded me of that last night, ah (murmur). 70 | Snake ****, slicker than owl ****. (laughter) Get your **** together. **** or 71 | get off the pot. (laughter) I got a ********* full of them. (laughter) I got a 72 | ******** full, all right. *********, *********, **** in your heart, **** for 73 | brains, (laughter) *********, heh (laughter) I always try to think how that 74 | could have originated; the first guy that said that. Somebody got drunk and 75 | fell in some ****, you know. (laughter) Hey, I'm *********. (laughter) 76 | ********, today. (laughter) Anyway, enough of that ****. (laughter) The big 77 | one, the word **** that's the one that hangs them up the most. [']Cause in a 78 | lot of cases that's the very act that hangs them up the most. So, it's natural 79 | that the word would, uh, have the same effect. It's a great word, ****, nice 80 | word, easy word, cute word, kind of. Easy word to say. One syllable, short u. 81 | (laughter) ****. (Murmur) You know, it's easy. Starts with a nice soft sound 82 | fuh ends with a kuh. Right? (laughter) A little something for everyone. **** 83 | (laughter) Good word. Kind of a proud word, too. Who are you? I am ****. 84 | (laughter) **** OF THE MOUNTAIN. (laughter) Tune in again next week to **** OF 85 | THE MOUNTAIN. (laughter) It's an interesting word too, [']cause it's got a 86 | double kind of a life -- personality -- dual, you know, whatever the right 87 | phrase is. It leads a double life, the word ****. First of all, it means, 88 | sometimes, most of the time, ****. What does it mean? It means to make love. 89 | Right? We're going to make love, yeh, we're going to ****, yeh, we're going to 90 | ****, yeh, we're going to make love. (laughter) we're really going to ****, 91 | yeah, we're going to make love. Right? And it also means the beginning of life, 92 | it's the act that begins life, so there's the word hanging around with words 93 | like love, and life, and yet on the other hand, it's also a word that we really 94 | use to hurt each other with, man. It's a heavy. It's one that you have toward 95 | the end of the argument. (laughter) Right? (laughter) You finally can't make 96 | out. Oh, **** you man. I said, **** you. (laughter, murmur) Stupid ****. 97 | (laughter) **** you and everybody that looks like you. (laughter) man. It would 98 | be nice to change the movies that we already have and substitute the word **** 99 | for the word kill, wherever we could, and some of those movie cliches would 100 | change a little bit. ********** still on the loose. Stop me before I **** 101 | again. **** the ump, **** the ump, **** the ump, **** the ump, **** the ump. 102 | Easy on the clutch Bill, you'll **** that engine again. (laughter) The other 103 | **** one was, I don't give a ****. Like it's worth something, you know? 104 | (laughter) I don't give a ****. Hey, well, I don't take no ****, (laughter) you 105 | know what I mean? You know why I don't take no ****? (laughter) [']Cause I 106 | don't give a ****. (laughter) If I give a ****, I would have to pack ****. 107 | (laughter) But I don't pack no **** cause I don't give a ****. (laughter) You 108 | wouldn't **** me, would you? (laughter) That's a joke when you're a kid with a 109 | worm looking out the bird's ***. You wouldn't **** me, would you? (laughter) 110 | It's an eight-year-old joke but a good one. (laughter) The additions to the 111 | list. I found three more words that had to be put on the list of words you 112 | could never say on television, and they were ****, **** and ****, those three. 113 | (laughter) ****, we talked about, it's harmless It's like ****, it's a cutie 114 | word, no problem. ****, you can't say but who wants to, you know? (laughter) 115 | The subject never comes up on the panel so I'm not worried about that one. Now 116 | the word **** is an interesting word. ****! Yeh, right in the ****. (laughter) 117 | **** is an interesting word because it's the only one I know of, the only slang 118 | word applying to the, a part of the sexual anatomy that doesn't have another 119 | meaning to it. Like, ah, ******, box and ***** all have other meanings, man. 120 | Even in a Walt Disney movie, you can say, We're going to ****** that ***** and 121 | put him in a box and bring him on the airplane. (murmur, laughter) Everybody 122 | loves it. The **** stands alone, man, as it should. And two-way words. Ah, *** 123 | is okay providing you're riding into town on a religious feast day. (laughter) 124 | You can't say, up your ***. (laughter) You can say, stuff it! (murmur) There 125 | are certain things you can say its weird but you can just come so close. Before 126 | I cut, I, uh, want to, ah, thank you for listening to my words, man, fellow, uh 127 | space travelers. Thank you man for tonight and thank you also. (clapping 128 | whistling) 129 | -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- /lib/config/en.yml: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1 | --- 2 | regex: 3 | 'hard ons?\b': ["sexual"] 4 | 'nut\s*sack?\w*': ["sexual"] 5 | 'blow\s*job\w*': ["sexual"] 6 | 'butt\s*plug\w*': ["sexual"] 7 | 'camel\s*toe\w*': ["sexual"] 8 | 'dumb?\s*ass\w*': ["sexual"] 9 | 'jungle\s*bunn(?:y|ie)\w*': ["sexual"] 10 | 'porch\s*monk(?:ey|ie)\w*': ["sexual"] 11 | 'jerks*\soff\b': ["sexual"] 12 | 'pissed\soff\b': ["inappropriate"] 13 | '\w*n[i1]gg[e3]r\w*': ["discriminatory"] 14 | '\w*fuck\w*': ["sexual"] 15 | '\w*b[i1]tch\w*': ["insult"] 16 | '\w*ejaculat\w*': ["sexual"] 17 | '\w*damn\w*': ["inappropriate", "blasphemy"] 18 | '\w*f[a4]gg[o0]t\w*': ["discriminatory"] 19 | '\w*wh[o0]r[e3]\w*': ["insult"] 20 | '\w*p[e3]n[i1]s\w*': ["sexual"] 21 | simple: 22 | "anus": ["sexual"] 23 | "arse": ["insult"] 24 | "arsehole": ["insult"] 25 | "ass": ["sexual", "insult"] 26 | "ass-hat": ["insult"] 27 | "ass-pirate": ["discriminatory"] 28 | "assbag": ["insult"] 29 | "assbandit": ["discriminatory"] 30 | "assbanger": ["discriminatory"] 31 | "assbite": ["insult"] 32 | "assclown": ["sexual"] 33 | "asscock": ["insult"] 34 | "asscracker": ["sexual"] 35 | "assface": ["sexual"] 36 | "assgoblin": ["discriminatory"] 37 | "asshat": ["sexual"] 38 | "asshead": ["insult"] 39 | "asshole": ["insult"] 40 | "asshopper": ["discriminatory"] 41 | "assjacker": ["discriminatory"] 42 | "asslick": ["insult"] 43 | "asslicker": ["insult"] 44 | "assmonkey": ["insult"] 45 | "assmunch": ["insult"] 46 | "assmuncher": ["sexual"] 47 | "asspirate": ["discriminatory"] 48 | "assshole": ["sexual"] 49 | "asssucker": ["insult"] 50 | "asswad": ["sexual"] 51 | "asswipe": ["sexual"] 52 | "bampot": ["insult"] 53 | "bastard": ["insult"] 54 | "beaner": ["discriminatory"] 55 | "beastiality": ["sexual"] 56 | "beastility": ["sexual"] 57 | "bestiality": ["sexual"] 58 | "bollocks": ["sexual"] 59 | "bollox": ["sexual"] 60 | "boner": ["sexual"] 61 | "boob": ["sexual"] 62 | "boobie": ["sexual"] 63 | "bullshit": ["inappropriate"] 64 | "butt-pirate": ["discriminatory"] 65 | "carpetmuncher": ["discriminatory"] 66 | "chinc": ["discriminatory"] 67 | "chink": ["discriminatory"] 68 | "choad": ["sexual"] 69 | "chode": ["sexual"] 70 | "clit": ["sexual"] 71 | "clitface": ["insult"] 72 | "cock": ["sexual"] 73 | "cockbite": ["insult"] 74 | "cockburger": ["insult"] 75 | "cockface": ["insult"] 76 | "cockhead": ["insult"] 77 | "cockjockey": ["discriminatory"] 78 | "cockknoker": ["discriminatory"] 79 | "cockmaster": ["discriminatory"] 80 | "cockmongler": ["discriminatory"] 81 | "cockmongruel": ["discriminatory"] 82 | "cockmonkey": ["insult"] 83 | "cockmuncher": ["discriminatory"] 84 | "cocknose": ["insult"] 85 | "cocknugget": ["insult"] 86 | "cockshit": ["insult"] 87 | "cocksmith": ["discriminatory"] 88 | "cocksmoker": ["discriminatory"] 89 | "cocksuck": ["sexual", "discriminatory"] 90 | "cocksucked": ["sexual"] 91 | "cocksucker": ["discriminatory", "sexual"] 92 | "cocksucking": ["sexual", "discriminatory"] 93 | "coochie": ["sexual"] 94 | "coochy": ["sexual"] 95 | "coon": ["discriminatory"] 96 | "cooter": ["sexual"] 97 | "cum": ["sexual"] 98 | "cumbubble": ["insult"] 99 | "cumdumpster": ["sexual"] 100 | "cumguzzler": ["discriminatory"] 101 | "cumjockey": ["discriminatory"] 102 | "cummer": ["sexual"] 103 | "cumming": ["sexual"] 104 | "cumshot": ["sexual"] 105 | "cumslut": ["sexual", "insult"] 106 | "cumtart": ["insult"] 107 | "cunillingus": ["sexual"] 108 | "cunnie": ["sexual"] 109 | "cunnilingus": ["sexual"] 110 | "cunt": ["insult", "sexual"] 111 | "cuntface": ["insult"] 112 | "cunthole": ["sexual"] 113 | "cuntlick": ["sexual"] 114 | "cuntlicker": ["sexual", "discriminatory"] 115 | "cuntlicking": ["sexual"] 116 | "cuntrag": ["insult"] 117 | "dammit": ["inappropriate", "blasphemy"] 118 | "dick": ["sexual", "insult"] 119 | "dickbag": ["insult"] 120 | "dickbeater": ["sexual"] 121 | "dickface": ["insult"] 122 | "dickhead": ["insult"] 123 | "dickhole": ["sexual"] 124 | "dickjuice": ["sexual"] 125 | "dickmilk": ["sexual"] 126 | "dickmonger": ["discriminatory"] 127 | "dickslap": ["sexual"] 128 | "dicksucker": ["discriminatory"] 129 | "dickwad": ["insult"] 130 | "dickweasel": ["insult"] 131 | "dickweed": ["insult"] 132 | "dickwod": ["insult"] 133 | "dike": ["discriminatory"] 134 | "dildo": ["sexual"] 135 | "dink": ["insult", "sexual"] 136 | "dipshit": ["insult"] 137 | "doochbag": ["insult"] 138 | "dookie": ["inappropriate"] 139 | "douche": ["insult"] 140 | "douchebag": ["insult"] 141 | "dumbshit": ["insult"] 142 | "dumshit": ["insult"] 143 | "dyke": ["discriminatory"] 144 | "fag": ["discriminatory"] 145 | "fagbag": ["discriminatory"] 146 | "fagging": ["discriminatory"] 147 | "faggit": ["discriminatory"] 148 | "fagg": ["discriminatory"] 149 | "fagot": ["discriminatory"] 150 | "fagtard": ["discriminatory"] 151 | "fart": ["inappropriate"] 152 | "farted": ["inappropriate"] 153 | "farting": ["inappropriate"] 154 | "farty": ["inappropriate"] 155 | "fatass": ["insult"] 156 | "felatio": ["sexual"] 157 | "fellatio": ["sexual"] 158 | "feltch": ["sexual"] 159 | "flamer": ["discriminatory"] 160 | "fudgepacker": ["discriminatory"] 161 | "fuk": ["sexual"] 162 | "gangbang": ["sexual"] 163 | "gangbanged": ["sexual"] 164 | "gayass": ["sexual"] 165 | "gaybob": ["discriminatory"] 166 | "gaydo": ["discriminatory"] 167 | "gaylord": ["discriminatory"] 168 | "gaysex": ["discriminatory"] 169 | "gaytard": ["discriminatory"] 170 | "gaywad": ["discriminatory"] 171 | "gooch": ["sexual"] 172 | "gook": ["discriminatory"] 173 | "gringo": ["discriminatory"] 174 | "guido": ["discriminatory"] 175 | "handjob": ["sexual"] 176 | "heeb": ["discriminatory"] 177 | "hell": ["inappropriate"] 178 | "ho": ["discriminatory"] 179 | "hoe": ["discriminatory"] 180 | "homo": ["discriminatory"] 181 | "honkey": ["discriminatory"] 182 | "honky": ["discriminatory"] 183 | "horniest": ["sexual"] 184 | "horny": ["sexual"] 185 | "humping": ["sexual"] 186 | "jackass": ["insult"] 187 | "jap": ["discriminatory"] 188 | "jigaboo": ["discriminatory"] 189 | "jism": ["sexual"] 190 | "jiz": ["sexual"] 191 | "jizm": ["sexual"] 192 | "jizz": ["sexual"] 193 | "kike": ["discriminatory"] 194 | "kock": ["sexual"] 195 | "kooch": ["sexual"] 196 | "kootch": ["sexual"] 197 | "kum": ["sexual"] 198 | "kumer": ["sexual"] 199 | "kummer": ["sexual"] 200 | "kumming": ["sexual"] 201 | "kunilingus": ["sexual"] 202 | "kunt": ["sexual"] 203 | "kyke": ["discriminatory"] 204 | "lesbo": ["discriminatory"] 205 | "lezzie": ["discriminatory"] 206 | "lust": ["sexual"] 207 | "lusting": ["sexual"] 208 | "minge": ["sexual"] 209 | "muff": ["sexual"] 210 | "muffdiver": ["discriminatory", "sexual"] 211 | "negro": ["discriminatory"] 212 | "nigga": ["discriminatory"] 213 | "niglet": ["discriminatory"] 214 | "orgasim": ["sexual"] 215 | "orgasm": ["sexual"] 216 | "paki": ["discriminatory"] 217 | "panooch": ["sexual"] 218 | "pecker": ["sexual"] 219 | "peckerhead": ["insult"] 220 | "phonesex": ["sexual"] 221 | "phuk": ["sexual"] 222 | "phuked": ["sexual"] 223 | "phuking": ["sexual"] 224 | "phukked": ["sexual"] 225 | "phukking": ["sexual"] 226 | "phuq": ["sexual"] 227 | "pis": ["sexual"] 228 | "pises": ["sexual"] 229 | "pisin": ["sexual"] 230 | "pising": ["sexual"] 231 | "pisof": ["sexual"] 232 | "piss": ["inappropriate"] 233 | "pissed": ["inappropriate"] 234 | "pisser": ["sexual"] 235 | "pissflap": ["sexual"] 236 | "pissin": ["sexual"] 237 | "pissing": ["sexual"] 238 | "pissoff": ["sexual"] 239 | "polesmoker": ["discriminatory"] 240 | "pollock": ["discriminatory"] 241 | "poo": ["inappropriate"] 242 | "poon": ["sexual"] 243 | "poonani": ["sexual"] 244 | "poonany": ["sexual"] 245 | "poontang": ["sexual"] 246 | "poop": ["inappropriate"] 247 | "porn": ["sexual"] 248 | "porno": ["sexual"] 249 | "pornography": ["sexual"] 250 | "prick": ["sexual"] 251 | "punanny": ["sexual"] 252 | "punta": ["insult"] 253 | "pusies": ["sexual", "insult"] 254 | "pussies": ["sexual", "insult"] 255 | "pussy": ["sexual", "insult"] 256 | "pussylicking": ["sexual"] 257 | "pusy": ["sexual"] 258 | "puto": ["insult"] 259 | "queef": ["sexual"] 260 | "queerbait": ["discriminatory"] 261 | "queerhole": ["discriminatory"] 262 | "renob": ["sexual"] 263 | "rimjob": ["sexual"] 264 | "ruski": ["discriminatory"] 265 | "schlong": ["sexual"] 266 | "scrote": ["sexual"] 267 | "shit": ["sexual", "inappropriate"] 268 | "shitass": ["insult"] 269 | "shit-ass": ["insult"] 270 | "shitbag": ["insult"] 271 | "shit-bag": ["insult"] 272 | "shitbagger": ["insult"] 273 | "shit-bagger": ["insult"] 274 | "shitbrain": ["insult"] 275 | "shit-brain": ["insult"] 276 | "shitbreath": ["insult"] 277 | "shit-breath": ["insult"] 278 | "shitcunt": ["insult"] 279 | "shit-cunt": ["insult"] 280 | "shitdick": ["insult"] 281 | "shit-dick": ["insult"] 282 | "shiteating": ["inappropriate"] 283 | "shit-eating": ["inappropriate"] 284 | "shited": ["sexual"] 285 | "shitface": ["insult"] 286 | "shit-face": ["insult"] 287 | "shitfaced": ["inappropriate"] 288 | "shit-faced": ["inappropriate"] 289 | "shitfit": ["inappropriate"] 290 | "shit-fit": ["inappropriate"] 291 | "shithead": ["insult"] 292 | "shit-head": ["insult"] 293 | "shitheel": ["inappropriate"] 294 | "shit-heel": ["inappropriate"] 295 | "shithole": ["insult"] 296 | "shit-hole": ["insult"] 297 | "shithouse": ["inappropriate"] 298 | "shit-house": ["inappropriate"] 299 | "shitload": ["inappropriate"] 300 | "shit-load": ["inappropriate"] 301 | "shitpot": ["inappropriate"] 302 | "shit-pot": ["inappropriate"] 303 | "shiting": ["sexual"] 304 | "shitspitter": ["sexual"] 305 | "shit-spitter": ["sexual"] 306 | "shitstain": ["insult"] 307 | "shit-stain": ["insult"] 308 | "shitted": ["sexual"] 309 | "shitter": ["sexual"] 310 | "shittiest": ["inappropriate"] 311 | "shitting": ["inappropriate"] 312 | "shitty": ["inappropriate"] 313 | "shity": ["sexual"] 314 | "shiz": ["inappropriate"] 315 | "shiznit": ["inappropriate"] 316 | "skank": ["insult"] 317 | "skeet": ["sexual"] 318 | "slut": ["discriminatory"] 319 | "slutbag": ["discriminatory"] 320 | "smeg": ["inappropriate"] 321 | "smut": ["sexual"] 322 | "snatch": ["sexual"] 323 | "spic": ["discriminatory"] 324 | "spick": ["discriminatory"] 325 | "splooge": ["sexual"] 326 | "spunk": ["sexual"] 327 | "tard": ["discriminatory"] 328 | "testicle": ["sexual"] 329 | "thundercunt": ["insult"] 330 | "tit": ["sexual"] 331 | "turd": ["inappropriate"] 332 | "twat": ["sexual"] 333 | "twatlips": ["insult"] 334 | "va-j-j": ["sexual"] 335 | "vag": ["sexual"] 336 | "vagina": ["sexual"] 337 | "vjayjay": ["sexual"] 338 | "wank": ["sexual"] 339 | "wetback": ["discriminatory"] 340 | emoji: 341 | "1f595": ["insult"] 342 | "1f4a9": ["inappropriate"] 343 | -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- /spec/data/epictetus_enchiridion.txt: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1 | Some things are in our control and others not. Things in our control are opinion, pursuit, desire, aversion, and, in a word, whatever are our own actions. Things not in our control are body, property, reputation, command, and, in one word, whatever are not our own actions. 2 | 3 | The things in our control are by nature free, unrestrained, unhindered; but those not in our control are weak, slavish, restrained, belonging to others. Remember, then, that if you suppose that things which are slavish by nature are also free, and that what belongs to others is your own, then you will be hindered. You will lament, you will be disturbed, and you will find fault both with gods and men. But if you suppose that only to be your own which is your own, and what belongs to others such as it really is, then no one will ever compel you or restrain you. Further, you will find fault with no one or accuse no one. You will do nothing against your will. No one will hurt you, you will have no enemies, and you not be harmed. 4 | 5 | Aiming therefore at such great things, remember that you must not allow yourself to be carried, even with a slight tendency, towards the attainment of lesser things. Instead, you must entirely quit some things and for the present postpone the rest. But if you would both have these great things, along with power and riches, then you will not gain even the latter, because you aim at the former too: but you will absolutely fail of the former, by which alone happiness and freedom are achieved. 6 | 7 | Work, therefore to be able to say to every harsh appearance, "You are but an appearance, and not absolutely the thing you appear to be." And then examine it by those rules which you have, and first, and chiefly, by this: whether it concerns the things which are in our own control, or those which are not; and, if it concerns anything not in our control, be prepared to say that it is nothing to you. 8 | 9 | Remember that following desire promises the attainment of that of which you are desirous; and aversion promises the avoiding that to which you are averse. However, he who fails to obtain the object of his desire is disappointed, and he who incurs the object of his aversion wretched. If, then, you confine your aversion to those objects only which are contrary to the natural use of your faculties, which you have in your own control, you will never incur anything to which you are averse. But if you are averse to sickness, or death, or poverty, you will be wretched. Remove aversion, then, from all things that are not in our control, and transfer it to things contrary to the nature of what is in our control. But, for the present, totally suppress desire: for, if you desire any of the things which are not in your own control, you must necessarily be disappointed; and of those which are, and which it would be laudable to desire, nothing is yet in your possession. Use only the appropriate actions of pursuit and avoidance; and even these lightly, and with gentleness and reservation. 10 | 11 | With regard to whatever objects give you delight, are useful, or are deeply loved, remember to tell yourself of what general nature they are, beginning from the most insignificant things. If, for example, you are fond of a specific ceramic cup, remind yourself that it is only ceramic cups in general of which you are fond. Then, if it breaks, you will not be disturbed. If you kiss your child, or your wife, say that you only kiss things which are human, and thus you will not be disturbed if either of them dies. 12 | 13 | When you are going about any action, remind yourself what nature the action is. If you are going to bathe, picture to yourself the things which usually happen in the bath: some people splash the water, some push, some use abusive language, and others steal. Thus you will more safely go about this action if you say to yourself, "I will now go bathe, and keep my own mind in a state conformable to nature." And in the same manner with regard to every other action. For thus, if any hindrance arises in bathing, you will have it ready to say, "It was not only to bathe that I desired, but to keep my mind in a state conformable to nature; and I will not keep it if I am bothered at things that happen. 14 | 15 | Men are disturbed, not by things, but by the principles and notions which they form concerning things. Death, for instance, is not terrible, else it would have appeared so to Socrates. But the terror consists in our notion of death that it is terrible. When therefore we are hindered, or disturbed, or grieved, let us never attribute it to others, but to ourselves; that is, to our own principles. An uninstructed person will lay the fault of his own bad condition upon others. Someone just starting instruction will lay the fault on himself. Some who is perfectly instructed will place blame neither on others nor on himself. 16 | 17 | Don't be prideful with any excellence that is not your own. If a horse should be prideful and say, " I am handsome," it would be supportable. But when you are prideful, and say, " I have a handsome horse," know that you are proud of what is, in fact, only the good of the horse. What, then, is your own? Only your reaction to the appearances of things. Thus, when you behave conformably to nature in reaction to how things appear, you will be proud with reason; for you will take pride in some good of your own. 18 | 19 | Consider when, on a voyage, your ship is anchored; if you go on shore to get water you may along the way amuse yourself with picking up a shellfish, or an onion. However, your thoughts and continual attention ought to be bent towards the ship, waiting for the captain to call on board; you must then immediately leave all these things, otherwise you will be thrown into the ship, bound neck and feet like a sheep. So it is with life. If, instead of an onion or a shellfish, you are given a wife or child, that is fine. But if the captain calls, you must run to the ship, leaving them, and regarding none of them. But if you are old, never go far from the ship: lest, when you are called, you should be unable to come in time. 20 | 21 | Don't demand that things happen as you wish, but wish that they happen as they do happen, and you will go on well. 22 | 23 | Sickness is a hindrance to the body, but not to your ability to choose, unless that is your choice. Lameness is a hindrance to the leg, but not to your ability to choose. Say this to yourself with regard to everything that happens, then you will see such obstacles as hindrances to something else, but not to yourself. 24 | 25 | With every accident, ask yourself what abilities you have for making a proper use of it. If you see an attractive person, you will find that self-restraint is the ability you have against your desire. If you are in pain, you will find fortitude. If you hear unpleasant language, you will find patience. And thus habituated, the appearances of things will not hurry you away along with them. 26 | 27 | Never say of anything, "I have lost it"; but, "I have returned it." Is your child dead? It is returned. Is your wife dead? She is returned. Is your estate taken away? Well, and is not that likewise returned? "But he who took it away is a bad man." What difference is it to you who the giver assigns to take it back? While he gives it to you to possess, take care of it; but don't view it as your own, just as travelers view a hotel. 28 | 29 | If you want to improve, reject such reasonings as these: "If I neglect my affairs, I'll have no income; if I don't correct my servant, he will be bad." For it is better to die with hunger, exempt from grief and fear, than to live in affluence with perturbation; and it is better your servant should be bad, than you unhappy. 30 | 31 | Begin therefore from little things. Is a little oil spilt? A little wine stolen? Say to yourself, "This is the price paid for equanimity, for tranquillity, and nothing is to be had for nothing." When you call your servant, it is possible that he may not come; or, if he does, he may not do what you want. But he is by no means of such importance that it should be in his power to give you any disturbance. 32 | 33 | If you want to improve, be content to be thought foolish and stupid with regard to external things. Don't wish to be thought to know anything; and even if you appear to be somebody important to others, distrust yourself. For, it is difficult to both keep your faculty of choice in a state conformable to nature, and at the same time acquire external things. But while you are careful about the one, you must of necessity neglect the other. 34 | 35 | If you wish your children, and your wife, and your friends to live for ever, you are stupid; for you wish to be in control of things which you cannot, you wish for things that belong to others to be your own. So likewise, if you wish your servant to be without fault, you are a fool; for you wish vice not to be vice," but something else. But, if you wish to have your desires undisappointed, this is in your own control. Exercise, therefore, what is in your control. He is the master of every other person who is able to confer or remove whatever that person wishes either to have or to avoid. Whoever, then, would be free, let him wish nothing, let him decline nothing, which depends on others else he must necessarily be a slave. 36 | 37 | Remember that you must behave in life as at a dinner party. Is anything brought around to you? Put out your hand and take your share with moderation. Does it pass by you? Don't stop it. Is it not yet come? Don't stretch your desire towards it, but wait till it reaches you. Do this with regard to children, to a wife, to public posts, to riches, and you will eventually be a worthy partner of the feasts of the gods. And if you don't even take the things which are set before you, but are able even to reject them, then you will not only be a partner at the feasts of the gods, but also of their empire. For, by doing this, Diogenes, Heraclitus and others like them, deservedly became, and were called, divine. 38 | 39 | When you see anyone weeping in grief because his son has gone abroad, or is dead, or because he has suffered in his affairs, be careful that the appearance may not misdirect you. Instead, distinguish within your own mind, and be prepared to say, "It's not the accident that distresses this person., because it doesn't distress another person; it is the judgment which he makes about it." As far as words go, however, don't reduce yourself to his level, and certainly do not moan with him. Do not moan inwardly either. 40 | 41 | Remember that you are an actor in a drama, of such a kind as the author pleases to make it. If short, of a short one; if long, of a long one. If it is his pleasure you should act a poor man, a cripple, a governor, or a private person, see that you act it naturally. For this is your business, to act well the character assigned you; to choose it is another's. 42 | 43 | When a raven happens to croak unluckily, don't allow the appearance hurry you away with it, but immediately make the distinction to yourself, and say, "None of these things are foretold to me; but either to my paltry body, or property, or reputation, or children, or wife. But to me all omens are lucky, if I will. For whichever of these things happens, it is in my control to derive advantage from it." 44 | 45 | You may be unconquerable, if you enter into no combat in which it is not in your own control to conquer. When, therefore, you see anyone eminent in honors, or power, or in high esteem on any other account, take heed not to be hurried away with the appearance, and to pronounce him happy; for, if the essence of good consists in things in our own control, there will be no room for envy or emulation. But, for your part, don't wish to be a general, or a senator, or a consul, but to be free; and the only way to this is a contempt of things not in our own control. 46 | 47 | Remember, that not he who gives ill language or a blow insults, but the principle which represents these things as insulting. When, therefore, anyone provokes you, be assured that it is your own opinion which provokes you. Try, therefore, in the first place, not to be hurried away with the appearance. For if you once gain time and respite, you will more easily command yourself. 48 | 49 | Let death and exile, and all other things which appear terrible be daily before your eyes, but chiefly death, and you win never entertain any abject thought, nor too eagerly covet anything. 50 | 51 | If you have an earnest desire of attaining to philosophy, prepare yourself from the very first to be laughed at, to be sneered by the multitude, to hear them say,." He is returned to us a philosopher all at once," and " Whence this supercilious look?" Now, for your part, don't have a supercilious look indeed; but keep steadily to those things which appear best to you as one appointed by God to this station. For remember that, if you adhere to the same point, those very persons who at first ridiculed will afterwards admire you. But if you are conquered by them, you will incur a double ridicule. 52 | 53 | If you ever happen to turn your attention to externals, so as to wish to please anyone, be assured that you have ruined your scheme of life. Be contented, then, in everything with being a philosopher; and, if you wish to be thought so likewise by anyone, appear so to yourself, and it will suffice you. 54 | 55 | Don't allow such considerations as these distress you. "I will live in dishonor, and be nobody anywhere." For, if dishonor is an evil, you can no more be involved in any evil by the means of another, than be engaged in anything base. Is it any business of yours, then, to get power, or to be admitted to an entertainment? By no means. How, then, after all, is this a dishonor? And how is it true that you will be nobody anywhere, when you ought to be somebody in those things only which are in your own control, in which you may be of the greatest consequence? "But my friends will be unassisted." -- What do you mean by unassisted? They will not have money from you, nor will you make them Roman citizens. Who told you, then, that these are among the things in our own control, and not the affair of others? And who can give to another the things which he has not himself? "Well, but get them, then, that we too may have a share." If I can get them with the preservation of my own honor and fidelity and greatness of mind, show me the way and I will get them; but if you require me to lose my own proper good that you may gain what is not good, consider how inequitable and foolish you are. Besides, which would you rather have, a sum of money, or a friend of fidelity and honor? Rather assist me, then, to gain this character than require me to do those things by which I may lose it. Well, but my country, say you, as far as depends on me, will be unassisted. Here again, what assistance is this you mean? "It will not have porticoes nor baths of your providing." And what signifies that? Why, neither does a smith provide it with shoes, or a shoemaker with arms. It is enough if everyone fully performs his own proper business. And were you to supply it with another citizen of honor and fidelity, would not he be of use to it? Yes. Therefore neither are you yourself useless to it. "What place, then, say you, will I hold in the state?" Whatever you can hold with the preservation of your fidelity and honor. But if, by desiring to be useful to that, you lose these, of what use can you be to your country when you are become faithless and void of shame. 56 | 57 | Is anyone preferred before you at an entertainment, or in a compliment, or in being admitted to a consultation? If these things are good, you ought to be glad that he has gotten them; and if they are evil, don't be grieved that you have not gotten them. And remember that you cannot, without using the same means [which others do] to acquire things not in our own control, expect to be thought worthy of an equal share of them. For how can he who does not frequent the door of any [great] man, does not attend him, does not praise him, have an equal share with him who does? You are unjust, then, and insatiable, if you are unwilling to pay the price for which these things are sold, and would have them for nothing. For how much is lettuce sold? Fifty cents, for instance. If another, then, paying fifty cents, takes the lettuce, and you, not paying it, go without them, don't imagine that he has gained any advantage over you. For as he has the lettuce, so you have the fifty cents which you did not give. So, in the present case, you have not been invited to such a person's entertainment, because you have not paid him the price for which a supper is sold. It is sold for praise; it is sold for attendance. Give him then the value, if it is for your advantage. But if you would, at the same time, not pay the one and yet receive the other, you are insatiable, and a blockhead. Have you nothing, then, instead of the supper? Yes, indeed, you have: the not praising him, whom you don't like to praise; the not bearing with his behavior at coming in. 58 | 59 | The will of nature may be learned from those things in which we don't distinguish from each other. For example, when our neighbor's boy breaks a cup, or the like, we are presently ready to say, "These things will happen." Be assured, then, that when your own cup likewise is broken, you ought to be affected just as when another's cup was broken. Apply this in like manner to greater things. Is the child or wife of another dead? There is no one who would not say, "This is a human accident." but if anyone's own child happens to die, it is presently, "Alas I how wretched am I!" But it should be remembered how we are affected in hearing the same thing concerning others. 60 | 61 | As a mark is not set up for the sake of missing the aim, so neither does the nature of evil exist in the world. 62 | 63 | If a person gave your body to any stranger he met on his way, you would certainly be angry. And do you feel no shame in handing over your own mind to be confused and mystified by anyone who happens to verbally attack you? 64 | 65 | In every affair consider what precedes and follows, and then undertake it. Otherwise you will begin with spirit; but not having thought of the consequences, when some of them appear you will shamefully desist. "I would conquer at the Olympic games." But consider what precedes and follows, and then, if it is for your advantage, engage in the affair. You must conform to rules, submit to a diet, refrain from dainties; exercise your body, whether you choose it or not, at a stated hour, in heat and cold; you must drink no cold water, nor sometimes even wine. In a word, you must give yourself up to your master, as to a physician. Then, in the combat, you may be thrown into a ditch, dislocate your arm, turn your ankle, swallow dust, be whipped, and, after all, lose the victory. When you have evaluated all this, if your inclination still holds, then go to war. Otherwise, take notice, you will behave like children who sometimes play like wrestlers, sometimes gladiators, sometimes blow a trumpet, and sometimes act a tragedy when they have seen and admired these shows. Thus you too will be at one time a wrestler, at another a gladiator, now a philosopher, then an orator; but with your whole soul, nothing at all. Like an ape, you mimic all you see, and one thing after another is sure to please you, but is out of favor as soon as it becomes familiar. For you have never entered upon anything considerately, nor after having viewed the whole matter on all sides, or made any scrutiny into it, but rashly, and with a cold inclination. Thus some, when they have seen a philosopher and heard a man speaking like Euphrates (though, indeed, who can speak like him?), have a mind to be philosophers too. Consider first, man, what the matter is, and what your own nature is able to bear. If you would be a wrestler, consider your shoulders, your back, your thighs; for different persons are made for different things. Do you think that you can act as you do, and be a philosopher? That you can eat and drink, and be angry and discontented as you are now? You must watch, you must labor, you must get the better of certain appetites, must quit your acquaintance, be despised by your servant, be laughed at by those you meet; come off worse than others in everything, in magistracies, in honors, in courts of judicature. When you have considered all these things round, approach, if you please; if, by parting with them, you have a mind to purchase equanimity, freedom, and tranquillity. If not, don't come here; don't, like children, be one while a philosopher, then a publican, then an orator, and then one of Caesar's officers. These things are not consistent. You must be one man, either good or bad. You must cultivate either your own ruling faculty or externals, and apply yourself either to things within or without you; that is, be either a philosopher, or one of the vulgar. 66 | 67 | Duties are universally measured by relations. Is anyone a father? If so, it is implied that the children should take care of him, submit to him in everything, patiently listen to his reproaches, his correction. But he is a bad father. Is you naturally entitled, then, to a good father? No, only to a father. Is a brother unjust? Well, keep your own situation towards him. Consider not what he does, but what you are to do to keep your own faculty of choice in a state conformable to nature. For another will not hurt you unless you please. You will then be hurt when you think you are hurt. In this manner, therefore, you will find, from the idea of a neighbor, a citizen, a general, the corresponding duties if you accustom yourself to contemplate the several relations. 68 | 69 | Be assured that the essential property of piety towards the gods is to form right opinions concerning them, as existing "I and as governing the universe with goodness and justice. And fix yourself in this resolution, to obey them, and yield to them, and willingly follow them in all events, as produced by the most perfect understanding. For thus you will never find fault with the gods, nor accuse them as neglecting you. And it is not possible for this to be effected any other way than by withdrawing yourself from things not in our own control, and placing good or evil in those only which are. For if you suppose any of the things not in our own control to be either good or evil, when you are disappointed of what you wish, or incur what you would avoid, you must necessarily find fault with and blame the authors. For every animal is naturally formed to fly and abhor things that appear hurtful, and the causes of them; and to pursue and admire those which appear beneficial, and the causes of them. It is impractical, then, that one who supposes himself to be hurt should be happy about the person who, he thinks, hurts him, just as it is impossible to be happy about the hurt itself. Hence, also, a father is reviled by a son, when he does not impart to him the things which he takes to be good; and the supposing empire to be a good made Polynices and Eteocles mutually enemies. On this account the husbandman, the sailor, the merchant, on this account those who lose wives and children, revile the gods. For where interest is, there too is piety placed. So that, whoever is careful to regulate his desires and aversions as he ought, is, by the very same means, careful of piety likewise. But it is also incumbent on everyone to offer libations and sacrifices and first fruits, conformably to the customs of his country, with purity, and not in a slovenly manner, nor negligently, nor sparingly, nor beyond his ability. 70 | 71 | When you have recourse to divination, remember that you know not what the event will be, and you come to learn it of the diviner; but of what nature it is you know before you come, at least if you are a philosopher. For if it is among the things not in our own control, it can by no means be either good or evil. Don't, therefore, bring either desire or aversion with you to the diviner (else you will approach him trembling), but first acquire a distinct knowledge that every event is indifferent and nothing to you., of whatever sort it may be, for it will be in your power to make a right use of it, and this no one can hinder; then come with confidence to the gods, as your counselors, and afterwards, when any counsel is given you, remember what counselors you have assumed, and whose advice you will neglect if you disobey. Come to divination, as Socrates prescribed, in cases of which the whole consideration relates to the event, and in which no opportunities are afforded by reason, or any other art, to discover the thing proposed to be learned. When, therefore, it is our duty to share the danger of a friend or of our country, we ought not to consult the oracle whether we will share it with them or not. For, though the diviner should forewarn you that the victims are unfavorable, this means no more than that either death or mutilation or exile is portended. But we have reason within us, and it directs, even with these hazards, to the greater diviner, the Pythian god, who cast out of the temple the person who gave no assistance to his friend while another was murdering him. 72 | 73 | Immediately prescribe some character and form of conduce to yourself, which you may keep both alone and in company. 74 | 75 | Be for the most part silent, or speak merely what is necessary, and in few words. We may, however, enter, though sparingly, into discourse sometimes when occasion calls for it, but not on any of the common subjects, of gladiators, or horse races, or athletic champions, or feasts, the vulgar topics of conversation; but principally not of men, so as either to blame, or praise, or make comparisons. If you are able, then, by your own conversation bring over that of your company to proper subjects; but, if you happen to be taken among strangers, be silent. 76 | 77 | Don't allow your laughter be much, nor on many occasions, nor profuse. 78 | 79 | Avoid swearing, if possible, altogether; if not, as far as you are able. 80 | 81 | Avoid public and vulgar entertainments; but, if ever an occasion calls you to them, keep your attention upon the stretch, that you may not imperceptibly slide into vulgar manners. For be assured that if a person be ever so sound himself, yet, if his companion be infected, he who converses with him will be infected likewise. 82 | 83 | Provide things relating to the body no further than mere use; as meat, drink, clothing, house, family. But strike off and reject everything relating to show and delicacy. 84 | 85 | As far as possible, before marriage, keep yourself pure from familiarities with women, and, if you indulge them, let it be lawfully." But don't therefore be troublesome and full of reproofs to those who use these liberties, nor frequently boast that you yourself don't. 86 | 87 | If anyone tells you that such a person speaks ill of you, don't make excuses about what is said of you, but answer: " He does not know my other faults, else he would not have mentioned only these." 88 | 89 | It is not necessary for you to appear often at public spectacles; but if ever there is a proper occasion for you to be there, don't appear more solicitous for anyone than for yourself; that is, wish things to be only just as they are, and him only to conquer who is the conqueror, for thus you will meet with no hindrance. But abstain entirely from declamations and derision and violent emotions. And when you come away, don't discourse a great deal on what has passed, and what does not contribute to your own amendment. For it would appear by such discourse that you were immoderately struck with the show. 90 | 91 | Go not [of your own accord] to the rehearsals of any 92 | authors , nor appear [at them] readily. But, if you do appear, keepyour gravity and sedateness, and at the same time avoid being morose. 93 | 94 | When you are going to confer with anyone, and particularly of those in a superior station, represent to yourself how Socrates or Zeno would behave in such a case, and you will not be at a loss to make a proper use of whatever may occur. 95 | 96 | When you are going to any of the people in power, represent to yourself that you will not find him at home; that you will not be admitted; that the doors will not be opened to you; that he will take no notice of you. If, with all this, it is your duty to go, bear what happens, and never say [to yourself], " It was not worth so much." For this is vulgar, and like a man dazed by external things. 97 | 98 | In parties of conversation, avoid a frequent and excessive mention of your own actions and dangers. For, however agreeable it may be to yourself to mention the risks you have run, it is not equally agreeable to others to hear your adventures. Avoid, likewise, an endeavor to excite laughter. For this is a slippery point, which may throw you into vulgar manners, and, besides, may be apt to lessen you in the esteem of your acquaintance. Approaches to indecent discourse are likewise dangerous. Whenever, therefore, anything of this sort happens, if there be a proper opportunity, rebuke him who makes advances that way; or, at least, by silence and blushing and a forbidding look, show yourself to be displeased by such talk. 99 | 100 | If you are struck by the appearance of any promised pleasure, guard yourself against being hurried away by it; but let the affair wait your leisure, and procure yourself some delay. Then bring to your mind both points of time: that in which you will enjoy the pleasure, and that in which you will repent and reproach yourself after you have enjoyed it; and set before you, in opposition to these, how you will be glad and applaud yourself if you abstain. And even though it should appear to you a seasonable gratification, take heed that its enticing, and agreeable and attractive force may not subdue you; but set in opposition to this how much better it is to be conscious of having gained so great a victory. 101 | 102 | When you do anything from a clear judgment that it ought to be done, never shun the being seen to do it, even though the world should make a wrong supposition about it; for, if you don't act right, shun the action itself; but, if you do, why are you afraid of those who censure you wrongly? 103 | 104 | As the proposition, "Either it is day or it is night," is extremely proper for a disjunctive argument, but quite improper in a conjunctive one, so, at a feast, to choose the largest share is very suitable to the bodily appetite, but utterly inconsistent with the social spirit of an entertainment. When you eat with another, then, remember not only the value of those things which are set before you to the body, but the value of that behavior which ought to be observed towards the person who gives the entertainment. 105 | 106 | If you have assumed any character above your strength, you have both made an ill figure in that and quitted one which you might have supported. 107 | 108 | When walking, you are careful not to step on a nail or turn your foot; so likewise be careful not to hurt the ruling faculty of your mind. And, if we were to guard against this in every action, we should undertake the action with the greater safety. 109 | 110 | The body is to everyone the measure of the possessions proper for it, just as the foot is of the shoe. If, therefore, you stop at this, you will keep the measure; but if you move beyond it, you must necessarily be carried forward, as down a cliff; as in the case of a shoe, if you go beyond its fitness to the foot, it comes first to be gilded, then purple, and then studded with jewels. For to that which once exceeds a due measure, there is no bound. 111 | 112 | Women from fourteen years old are flattered with the title of "mistresses" by the men. Therefore, perceiving that they are regarded only as qualified to give the men pleasure, they begin to adorn themselves, and in that to place ill their hopes. We should, therefore, fix our attention on making them sensible that they are valued for the appearance of decent, modest and discreet behavior. 113 | 114 | It is a mark of want of genius to spend much time in things relating to the body, as to be long in our exercises, in eating and drinking, and in the discharge of other animal functions. These should be done incidentally and slightly, and our whole attention be engaged in the care of the understanding. 115 | 116 | When any person harms you, or speaks badly of you, remember that he acts or speaks from a supposition of its being his duty. Now, it is not possible that he should follow what appears right to you, but what appears so to himself. Therefore, if he judges from a wrong appearance, he is the person hurt, since he too is the person deceived. For if anyone should suppose a true proposition to be false, the proposition is not hurt, but he who is deceived about it. Setting out, then, from these principles, you will meekly bear a person who reviles you, for you will say upon every occasion, "It seemed so to him." 117 | 118 | Everything has two handles, the one by which it may be carried, the other by which it cannot. If your brother acts unjustly, don't lay hold on the action by the handle of his injustice, for by that it cannot be carried; but by the opposite, that he is your brother, that he was brought up with you; and thus you will lay hold on it, as it is to be carried. 119 | 120 | These reasonings are unconnected: "I am richer than you, therefore I am better"; "I am more eloquent than you, therefore I am better." The connection is rather this: "I am richer than you, therefore my property is greater than yours;" "I am more eloquent than you, therefore my style is better than yours." But you, after all, are neither property nor style. 121 | 122 | Does anyone bathe in a mighty little time? Don't say that he does it ill, but in a mighty little time. Does anyone drink a great quantity of wine? Don't say that he does ill, but that he drinks a great quantity. For, unless you perfectly understand the principle from which anyone acts, how should you know if he acts ill? Thus you will not run the hazard of assenting to any appearances but such as you fully comprehend. 123 | 124 | Never call yourself a philosopher, nor talk a great deal among the unlearned about theorems, but act conformably to them. Thus, at an entertainment, don't talk how persons ought to eat, but eat as you ought. For remember that in this manner Socrates also universally avoided all ostentation. And when persons came to him and desired to be recommended by him to philosophers, he took and- recommended them, so well did he bear being overlooked. So that if ever any talk should happen among the unlearned concerning philosophic theorems, be you, for the most part, silent. For there is great danger in immediately throwing out what you have not digested. And, if anyone tells you that you know nothing, and you are not nettled at it, then you may be sure that you have begun your business. For sheep don't throw up the grass to show the shepherds how much they have eaten; but, inwardly digesting their food, they outwardly produce wool and milk. Thus, therefore, do you likewise not show theorems to the unlearned, but the actions produced by them after they have been digested. 125 | 126 | When you have brought yourself to supply the necessities of your body at a small price, don't pique yourself upon it; nor, if you drink water, be saying upon every occasion, "I drink water." But first consider how much more sparing and patient of hardship the poor are than we. But if at any time you would inure yourself by exercise to labor, and bearing hard trials, do it for your own sake, and not for the world; don't grasp statues, but, when you are violently thirsty, take a little cold water in your mouth, and spurt it out and tell nobody. 127 | 128 | The condition and characteristic of a vulgar person, is, that he never expects either benefit or hurt from himself, but from externals. The condition and characteristic of a philosopher is, that he expects all hurt and benefit from himself. The marks of a proficient are, that he censures no one, praises no one, blames no one, accuses no one, says nothing concerning himself as being anybody, or knowing anything: when he is, in any instance, hindered or restrained, he accuses himself; and, if he is praised, he secretly laughs at the person who praises him; and, if he is censured, he makes no defense. But he goes about with the caution of sick or injured people, dreading to move anything that is set right, before it is perfectly fixed. He suppresses all desire in himself; he transfers his aversion to those things only which thwart the proper use of our own faculty of choice; the exertion of his active powers towards anything is very gentle; if he appears stupid or ignorant, he does not care, and, in a word, he watches himself as an enemy, and one in ambush. 129 | 130 | When anyone shows himself overly confident in ability to understand and interpret the works of Chrysippus, say to yourself, " Unless Chrysippus had written obscurely, this person would have had no subject for his vanity. But what do I desire? To understand nature and follow her. I ask, then, who interprets her, and, finding Chrysippus does, I have recourse to him. I don't understand his writings. I seek, therefore, one to interpret them." So far there is nothing to value myself upon. And when I find an interpreter, what remains is to make use of his instructions. This alone is the valuable thing. But, if I admire nothing but merely the interpretation, what do I become more than a grammarian instead of a philosopher? Except, indeed, that instead of Homer I interpret Chrysippus. When anyone, therefore, desires me to read Chrysippus to him, I rather blush when I cannot show my actions agreeable and consonant to his discourse. 131 | 132 | Whatever moral rules you have deliberately proposed to yourself. abide by them as they were laws, and as if you would be guilty of impiety by violating any of them. Don't regard what anyone says of you, for this, after all, is no concern of yours. How long, then, will you put off thinking yourself worthy of the highest improvements and follow the distinctions of reason? You have received the philosophical theorems, with which you ought to be familiar, and you have been familiar with them. What other master, then, do you wait for, to throw upon that the delay of reforming yourself? You are no longer a boy, but a grown man. If, therefore, you will be negligent and slothful, and always add procrastination to procrastination, purpose to purpose, and fix day after day in which you will attend to yourself, you will insensibly continue without proficiency, and, living and dying, persevere in being one of the vulgar. This instant, then, think yourself worthy of living as a man grown up, and a proficient. Let whatever appears to be the best be to you an inviolable law. And if any instance of pain or pleasure, or glory or disgrace, is set before you, remember that now is the combat, now the Olympiad comes on, nor can it be put off. By once being defeated and giving way, proficiency is lost, or by the contrary preserved. Thus Socrates became perfect, improving himself by everything. attending to nothing but reason. And though you are not yet a Socrates, you ought, however, to live as one desirous of becoming a Socrates. 133 | 134 | The first and most necessary topic in philosophy is that of the use of moral theorems, such as, "We ought not to lie;" the second is that of demonstrations, such as, "What is the origin of our obligation not to lie;" the third gives strength and articulation to the other two, such as, "What is the origin of this is a demonstration." For what is demonstration? What is consequence? What contradiction? What truth? What falsehood? The third topic, then, is necessary on the account of the second, and the second on the account of the first. But the most necessary, and that whereon we ought to rest, is the first. But we act just on the contrary. For we spend all our time on the third topic, and employ all our diligence about that, and entirely neglect the first. Therefore, at the same time that we lie, we are immediately prepared to show how it is demonstrated that lying is not right. 135 | 136 | Upon all occasions we ought to have these maxims ready at hand: 137 | 138 | "Conduct me, Jove, and you, 0 Destiny, 139 | Wherever your decrees have fixed my station." 140 | Cleanthes 141 | 142 | "I follow cheerfully; and, did I not, 143 | Wicked and wretched, I must follow still 144 | Whoever yields properly to Fate, is deemed 145 | Wise among men, and knows the laws of heaven." 146 | Euripides, Frag. 965 147 | 148 | And this third: 149 | 150 | "0 Crito, if it thus pleases the gods, thus let it be. Anytus and Melitus may kill me indeed, but hurt me they cannot." 151 | Plato's Crito and Apology 152 | --------------------------------------------------------------------------------