Seriously, it takes minimal fucking effort to improve this shit.
7 fucking declarations.
That's how much CSS it took to turn that grotesque pile of shit into this easy-to-read masterpiece. It's so fucking simple and it still has all the glory of the original perfect-ass website:
Shit's still lightweight and loads fast
Still fits on all your shitty screens
Still looks the same in all your shitty browsers
The motherfucker's still accessible to every asshole that visits your site
Shit's still legible and gets your fucking point across
And guess what, motherfucker:
You never knew it, but it's easy to improve readability on your site. Here's how.
Let it breathe
Look at lines 1 and 2 of some shitty website you're building. Assuming they're not married they probably shouldn't be humping. The defaults are trash -- pick a minimum line-height: 1.4 for body copy. Headings should be tighter. If you can't see that...piss off.
If your text hits the side of the browser, fuck off forever. You ever see a book like that? Yes? What a shitty book.
A little less contrast
Black on white? How often do you see that kind of contrast in real life? Tone it down a bit, asshole. I would've even made this site's background a nice #EEEEEE if I wasn't so focused on keeping declarations to a lean 7 fucking lines.
Size Matters
I know your partner says otherwise, but it's true. Bump that body copy to render close to 16px or more. Smaller type works well for print, not the screen.
Line-width, motherfucker
Looking at an LCD screen is strainful enough. Don't make me read a line of text that's 200 fucking characters long. Keep it to a nice 60-80 and users might actually read more than one sentence of your worthless dribble.
Yes, this is also fucking satire, you fuck
I love what the creator of this site's inspiration did. What I'm saying is that it's so, so simple to make sites easier to read. Websites are broken by default, they are functional, high-performing, and accessible, but they're also fucking ugly. You and all the other web designers out there need to make them not total shit.
"You're a fucking moron if you use default browser styles."
10 |
11 | - Eleanor Roosevelt
This page—that isn't a total fucking eyesore—was created by me with help from him.
16 |
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
/archive/perfectmotherfuckingwebsite.com.html:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1 |
2 |
3 |
And it’s really more fucking perfect than the last guy’s.
15 |
16 |
Seriously, some minimal fucking things are needed to make this shit perfect.
17 |
18 |
Ten fucking declarations, a @media block, and one attribute.
19 |
20 |
That’s how much CSS and HTML it took to turn that grotesque pile of shit into this finally perfect masterpiece. It’s so fucking simple and it still has all the glory of the original perfect-ass website:
21 |
22 |
23 |
Shit’s finally lightweight and loads fast;
24 |
Finally fits on all your shitty screens;
25 |
Finally looks the same in all your shitty browsers;
26 |
Won’t bleach your fucking eyeballs at night if your browser thinks you like dark things;
27 |
The motherfucker’s still accessible to every asshole that visits your site;
28 |
Shit’s still legible and gets your fucking point across.
29 |
30 |
31 |
And guess what, motherfucker:
32 |
33 |
You never knew it, but it’s easy to improve reliability on your site. Here’s how.
34 |
35 |
A little more accessibility
36 |
37 |
I know you love marginalization, but you should take care of people.
38 | The HTML tag doesn’t include the lang attribute in your shitty webpage.
39 | You ever listen to a wrong language screen reader lecture? What a shitty experience.
40 |
41 |
Typography matters
42 |
43 |
Don’t be dumb with typography. Don’t let improper marks and quotes make their way onto websites because of dumb defaults in applications and CMSs.
44 | And did you let the browser choose the font? Don’t make me read such text with Times New Roman.
I’m impressed about what the creator of this site’s inspiration did. What I’m saying is that it’s so, so simple to make sites easier to read. Websites are broken by default—they are functional, high-performing, and accessible, but they’re also fucking ugly. You and all the other web designers out there need to make them not total shit.
54 |
55 |
56 |
“Don’t ignore stupid things or you will stay at the motherfucker level.”
57 | — Brad Hollande
Hipstered domain extension and beautiful typography.
22 |
We all know that Motherfucking Website ― MFW ― it's grotesque pile of shit. And we also know that Better Motherfucking Website ― BMFW ― improved the Ass-Blastered Crap into an (almost) easy-to-read masterpiece. But I made it even better! Like the other motherfucking websites, Even Better Motherfucking Website ― EBMFW ―, has all of the glory that the original, 'perfect-ass' website has - along with some improvements from the BMFW:
23 |
24 |
Shit's still lightweight and loads fast;
25 |
Still fits on all of your shitty screens;
26 |
Still looks the same in all of your shitty browsers;
27 |
This motherfucker's still accessible to every asshole that visits your site;
28 |
Shit's still legible and gets your fucking point across;
29 |
Plus a hipstered domain extension and beautiful typography.
30 |
31 |
What about Comic Sans?
32 |
That really hurt! Who throws a shoe? Honestly?
33 |
Let it breathe even more
34 |
35 | "Look at lines 1 and 2 of some shitty website you're building. Assuming they're not married, they probably shouldn't be humping. The defaults are trash ― pick a minimum line-height: 1.4 for body copy. Headings should be tighter. If you can't see that... piss off. If your text hits the side of the browser, fuck off forever. Have you ever seen a book like that? Yes? What a shitty book."
36 | - BMFW
37 |
38 |
I made it even better: line-height: 1.8
39 |
A little less contrast
40 |
41 | "Black on white? How often do you see that kind of contrast in real life? Tone it down a bit, asshole."
42 | - BMFW
43 |
44 |
I made it even better: background: #f2f2f2 Because I don't care about 7 fucking lines of declarations.
45 |
Yes, this continues to be fucking satirical, fuckers
46 |
Like the creator of Better Motherfucking Website, I ♥ what the creator of Motherfucking Website did. It's all about the message! But let's face it: would you rather have crap, or some beautifully-aligned shit?
47 |
48 | "Imagine all the people..."
49 | - John Lennon, Yoko's husband
50 |
You probably build websites and think your shit is special. You think your 13 megabyte parallax-ative home page is going to get you some fucking Awwward banner you can glue to the top corner of your site. You think your 40-pound jQuery file and 83 polyfills give IE7 a boner because it finally has box-shadow. Wrong, motherfucker. Let me describe your perfect-ass website:
21 |
22 |
23 |
Shit's lightweight and loads fast
24 |
Fits on all your shitty screens
25 |
Looks the same in all your shitty browsers
26 |
The motherfucker's accessible to every asshole that visits your site
27 |
Shit's legible and gets your fucking point across (if you had one instead of just 5mb pics of hipsters drinking coffee)
28 |
29 |
30 |
Well guess what, motherfucker:
31 |
32 |
You. Are. Over-designing. Look at this shit. It's a motherfucking website. Why the fuck do you need to animate a fucking trendy-ass banner flag when I hover over that useless piece of shit? You spent hours on it and added 80 kilobytes to your fucking site, and some motherfucker jabbing at it on their iPad with fat sausage fingers will never see that shit. Not to mention blind people will never see that shit, but they don't see any of your shitty shit.
33 |
34 |
You never knew it, but this is your perfect website. Here's why.
35 |
36 |
It's fucking lightweight
37 |
38 |
This entire page weighs less than the gradient-meshed facebook logo on your fucking Wordpress site. Did you seriously load 100kb of jQuery UI just so you could animate the fucking background color of a div? You loaded all 7 fontfaces of a shitty webfont just so you could say "Hi." at 100px height at the beginning of your site? You piece of shit.
39 |
40 |
It's responsive
41 |
42 |
You dumbass. You thought you needed media queries to be responsive, but no. Responsive means that it responds to whatever motherfucking screensize it's viewed on. This site doesn't care if you're on an iMac or a motherfucking Tamagotchi.
43 |
44 |
It fucking works
45 |
46 |
Look at this shit. You can read it ... that is, if you can read, motherfucker. It makes sense. It has motherfucking hierarchy. It's using HTML5 tags so you and your bitch-ass browser know what the fuck's in this fucking site. That's semantics, motherfucker.
47 |
48 |
It has content on the fucking screen. Your site has three bylines and link to your dribbble account, but you spread it over 7 full screens and make me click some bobbing button to show me how cool the jQuery ScrollTo plugin is.
49 |
50 |
Cross-browser compatibility? Load this motherfucker in IE6. I fucking dare you.
51 |
52 |
This is a website. Look at it. You've never seen one before.
53 |
54 |
Like the man who's never grown out his beard has no idea what his true natural state is, you have no fucking idea what a website is. All you have ever seen are shitty skeuomorphic bastardizations of what should be text communicating a fucking message. This is a real, naked website. Look at it. It's fucking beautiful.
55 |
56 |
Yes, this is fucking satire, you fuck
57 |
58 |
I'm not actually saying your shitty site should look like this. What I'm saying is that all the problems we have with websites are ones we create ourselves. Websites aren't broken by default, they are functional, high-performing, and accessible. You break them. You son-of-a-bitch.
59 |
60 |
"Good design is as little design as possible."
61 | - some German motherfucker
62 |
You keep forgetting. Let me describe the perfect-ass website:
36 |
37 |
Shit’s lightweight and loads fast.
38 |
Fits on all your shitty screens.
39 |
Looks the same in all your shitty browsers.
40 |
Accessible to every asshole that visits your site.
41 |
Shit’s legible and gets the fucking point across (if you had one instead of just a 5MB background video of hipsters poking at their iPhones).
42 |
43 |
You do it every day. You take a fucking masterpiece and incrementally ruin it for the sake of design. Let me remind you: design is to plan and make something for a specific purpose. The most basic purpose of text on a website is to be read. Yet you keep doing shit that gets in the way.
44 |
Quit fucking around with grey text.
45 |
Text contrast is not a bad thing. The print on your newspaper is not true black, nor is the text on your screen. These are limitations, not ideals. Stop making it worse.
46 |
Remote fonts are wasting your time and mine.
47 |
Why the fuck are you loading 500kB of font to render 50kB of shitty content? Are your users even going to notice that it’s not their default serif or sans-serif? Why do you even bother when Chrome is going to render it like ass anyways? Use a font stack your users already have.
48 |
Your website is more than just HTML.
49 |
You have no excuse for using HTTP.
50 |
Why are you still delivering sites over HTTP? My shitty Atom 330 CPU from 2008 can perform aes-256-cbc encryption via OpenSSL at 110 megabits per second. My Xeon E5-2670 CPU without AES-NI enabled hits 444 megabits per second. With AES-NI enabled it hits a staggering 2.2 gigabits per second. Your server probably can’t even load your stupid fucking JavaScript framework’s dependencies that fast.
51 |
TLS certificates are cheap. Seriously, you can get them for US$6. You paid twice that much for your idiotic domain name. You can even get them for free from Let’s Encrypt.
52 |
HTTPS improves your search ranking so people are more likely to find your ramblings on the Google. It’s also required for HTTP/2 support which allows browsers to fetch resources more efficiently.
53 |
This shit is gzipped.
54 |
Your webserver is perfectly capable of compressing HTML. My Atom 330 CPU can perform single-core gzip -6 on random data at 51 megabits per second. My Xeon E5-2670 from 2012 can do this at 216 megabits per second. Your meme website isn’t as random as you think it is and will compress much faster.
55 |
Cache is Money
56 |
It’s bad enough you’re forcing users to load 5MB of hero image and JavaScript framework. Why are you making them reload it every time they visit your shitty website? Bandwidth is cheap but it isn’t free. Via data charges or waiting, someone is paying for your fucking laziness.
57 |
This is a website. Look at it. You’ve never seen one before.
58 |
Like the man who’s never grown out his beard has no idea what his true natural state is, you have no fucking idea what a website is. All you have ever seen are shitty skeuomorphic bastardizations of what should be text communicating a fucking message. This is a real, naked website. Look at it. It’s fucking beautiful.
59 |
Yes, this is fucking satire, you fuck
60 |
I’m not actually saying your shitty site should look like this. What I’m saying is that all the problems we have with websites are ones we create ourselves. Websites aren’t broken by default, they are functional, high-performing, and accessible. You break them. You son-of-a-bitch.
61 |
24 | We've become obsessed with fancy designs, responsive layouts, and scripts
25 | that do magical things.
26 |
27 |
28 | But the most powerful tool on the web is still words.
29 |
30 |
31 | I wrote these words, and you're reading them: that's magical.
32 |
33 |
34 | I'm in a little city in British Columbia; you're probably somewhere else.
35 | I wrote this early in the morning, June 20th, 2013; you're reading it at a
36 | different time. I wrote this on my laptop; you could be reading this on
37 | your phone, a tablet or a desktop.
38 |
39 |
40 | You and I have been able to connect because I wrote this and
41 | you're reading it.That's the web. Despite our
42 | different locations, devices, and time-zones we can connect
43 | here, on a simple HTML page.
44 |
45 |
46 | I wrote this in a text editor. It's 6 kB. I didn't need a Content
47 | Management System, a graphic designer, or a software developer. There's
48 | not much code on this page at all: just simple markup for paragraphs,
49 | hierarchy, and emphasis.
50 |
51 |
52 | I remember teaching my daughter to code HTML when she was 8. The first
53 | thing she wrote was
54 | a story about a squirrel. She
55 | wasn't "writing HTML";
56 | she was sharing something with the world. She couldn't
57 | believe that she could write a story on our home computer, and then
58 | publish it for the world to see. She didn't care about HTML; she cared
59 | about sharing her stories.
60 |
61 |
You are still reading.
62 |
63 | Think about all the things you could communicate with a simple page like
64 | this. If you're a businessperson, you could sell something. If you're a
65 | teacher, you could teach something. If you're an artist, you could show
66 | something you've made.
67 | And if your words are good, people will read them.
68 |
69 |
70 | If you're a web designer, I challenge you to think about the words first.
71 | Instead of starting with a style guide or a Photoshop mockup,
72 | start with words on a page.
73 |
74 |
75 | What do you have to say? If you don't know, there's not much use in adding
76 | all that other cruft. Just start with one page, with a
77 | single focus. Write it and publish it, and then iterate on that.
78 | Every time you're about to add something, ask yourself: does this help me
79 | communicate better? Will that additional styling, image, or hyperlink give
80 | my audience more understanding? If the answer is "no," don't add
81 | it.
82 |
83 |
84 | At its heart, web design should be about words. Words
85 | don't come after the design is done. Words are the beginning, the
86 | core, the focus.
87 |
Seriously, none of you can write valid and Accessible HTML?
101 |
102 |
Just a few SemanticHTML elements and a tiny bit of WAI-ARIA is all it fucking took to turn your shitty site into a fully accessible one.
103 |
104 |
Did any of you even run an automated accessibility checker when you built your sites, no I thought not. Never mind taking the time to learn about accessibility for the 60% of errors accessibility checkers can't find.
105 |
106 |
The web is not inherently accessible as it is built by people and people don't take the time to learn this shit. We have all the tools to make the web accessible, you just have to use them!
107 |
108 |
Oh and I fixed the CSS so that the critical styles are inlined (which is all of them on a tiny site like this). You know, like you are supposed to.
109 |
110 |
This meant I could add a total of 25 CSS properties (still way less than 14kb, not that you would know why using that as a rough guide for size is important). It gives the site a little bit of visual appeal and structure. Still lightning fast, in fact it is faster than the "perfect" site.
111 |
112 |
I did even more things:
113 |
114 |
I fixed your shitty line spacing, not one of you got that right! Your heading and paragraph spacing were all fucked up
115 |
Now it is nice on all screens, instead of being pressed up against the side on a mobile
116 |
Still looks great in all your shitty browsers, yes even Internet Explorer 7!
117 |
Still won’t bleach your fucking eyeballs at night if your modern browser thinks you like dark things. But now the dark theme colours are less boring.
118 |
The motherfucker’s stillactually accessible to every dick head that visits your site.
119 |
120 |
121 |
122 |
123 |
A little more accessibility
124 |
125 |
Well done, one of you finally added a lang attribute to the HTML.
126 |
127 |
But why on Earth are you not using sectional elements? Go read up on <main>, <aside>, <footer> etc.
128 |
129 |
Oh and by the way, I also added the following accessibility features:
130 |
131 |
I made sure acronyms were explained the first time they are used, see the fucking Glossary
132 |
I used semantic HTML for things like the published date etc. because I am not an amateur like you fuckers seem to be.
133 |
I labelled the sections of the document using WAI-ARIA (aria-labelledby) to make life easy for people who use a screen reader.
134 |
I used REM units for the fonts, so they change correctly according to user preference - are you lot from 1990 with your fucking pixels (px)?
To my knowledge this site is WCAG AA compliant, valid HTML, valid CSS...it is just fucking magical basically.
140 |
141 |
142 |
143 |
144 |
Why not follow best security practices?
145 |
Look I get it, this is a simple static site so security headers won't do much.
146 |
But seriously, your websites were meant to be an example of how websites are meant to be when done properly, so why not include them and lead people to the light?
147 |
Here, this site score 120 out of 100 (yup, we got bonus points as we are that fucking great!) in Mozilla Observatory
148 |
For the sake of a few minutes work why not make your site as safe as possible and get into the habit?
35 | Hey, dipshit! You know what loads faster than your bloated, overengineered
36 | mess? Plain, unadulterated HTML. And you know what doesn't break every
37 | motherfucking Tuesday? HTML that just fucking works. Why the fuck are you
38 | overcomplicating things, you masochistic fuck? You're out here acting like
39 | you're building the next goddamn moon landing when all you need is a button
40 | and some text.
41 |
42 |
43 | Newsflash, asshole: the web was doing just fine before your
44 | bloated frameworks crawled out of the sewer. You're out here dropping ten
45 | grand on some fancy-ass framework like it's a Gucci purse, just to haul
46 | around the same shitty groceries you could've carried in a plastic bag from
47 | 1995. Why the hell are you jumping through all these hoops when HTML's been
48 | sitting there, ready to go, since the dawn of the goddamn internet?
49 |
50 |
51 |
52 |
53 | So you call yourself a web developer? Fucking pathetic.
54 |
55 |
56 | You've gotta be kidding me, asshat. Do you even fucking know how to display
57 | a button on screen without the current modern fuckery you lean on? Here,
58 | little shit, is your button:
59 |
60 |
61 |
62 | Tattoo this code on your forehead so that you'll remember when you look at
63 | your fat face in the mirror:
64 |
65 |
<button>Fucking button</button>
66 |
67 | But did you notice something, you smug bastard? This HTML shit is the
68 | fucking Energizer Bunny of the web. It just keeps going, no fancy plugins or
69 | updates required. Your precious framework's out there choking on its own
70 | hype, obsolete before you even finish the tutorial, while this button's
71 | still kicking ass like it owns the place. It's been here since the web was a
72 | screaming toddler, and it'll still be standing when your stack's just a
73 | dusty footnote in some asshole's commit history.
74 |
75 |
76 | Can't make shit beautiful with HTML, you say? Eat this, you pixel-pushing fuck:
77 |
78 |
79 |
80 | Why it's beautiful:
81 |
82 |
83 |
It is visible
84 |
It is clickable
85 |
It's just fucking beautiful
86 |
87 |
88 | Seriously, what else do you fucking need, you entitled prick? A goddamn
89 | participation trophy for using a framework to do what HTML does out of the
90 | box? Maybe a gold star for managing to overcomplicate something that's been
91 | solved for decades? Get over yourself, asshole. HTML works, and it doesn't
92 | need your bullshit to prove it.
93 |
94 |
95 |
96 |
Now that we have AI, you still use JS frameworks? Are you fucking serious?
97 |
98 | AI's out here, a gift from the heavens (or at least from Sam Altman's nerd
99 | fortress) ready to write your shitty little to-do app in five seconds flat.
100 | It can churn out pixel-perfect HTML, debug your fuck-ups, and probably even
101 | wipe your ass if you ask nicely. But no, you're still humping your
102 | frameworks like they're the last lifeboat on the Titanic. What the hell is
103 | wrong with you? Are you that addicted to 10,000 dependencies and a build
104 | process that takes longer than your last failed relationship?
105 |
106 |
107 | Sam Altman's AI army is laughing its silicon balls off while you're
108 | knee-deep in React's virtual DOMshit, praying your app doesn't choke on its
109 | own bloated corpse. This isn't progress. It's a fucking tragedy.
110 | You've got a shiny new Ferrari in your garage, and you're still riding a
111 | rusty tricycle with a flat tire. Grow the fuck up.
112 |
113 |
114 |
115 |
Why HTML rocks
116 |
Everybody knows HTML
117 |
118 | Listen up, dipshit. Every-fucking-body knows HTML. Your dearly great grandma?
119 | She was out there in the goddamn trenches of World War 2, dodging Nazi bullets
120 | while hand-coding <table> layouts to send encrypted messages to the Allies.
121 | Your grandad? He's got a motherfucking PhD in HTML from the prestigious
122 | University of Who-Gives-a-Rat's-Ass, probably hanging right next to his "I
123 | Survived Dial-Up" trophy. Your dad? That bastard was mumbling
124 | <div> and <span> before he could even
125 | choke out "mama". Shit, even your drooling mutt probably has a side gig
126 | churning out HTML sites on Fiverr. So why the fuck are we still stuck
127 | answering your brain-dead questions? Jesus Christ, get with the program.
128 |
129 |
No fucking hydration errors. Drink some water, asshole
130 |
131 | What in the ever-loving fuck is a hydration error? Sounds like some hipster
132 | bullshit a barista would spew when your overpriced oat milk latte isn't wet
133 | enough. "Oh, my bad, bro, your coffee's got a hydration error". Get the fuck
134 | outta here. And "tree shaking"? Are you kidding me? What is this, a coding
135 | bootcamp or a lumberjack convention? "Yeah, boss, I spent all day shaking trees
136 | to trim my JavaScript bundle. Where's my flannel shirt?". Who the hell invents
137 | this pretentious crap? I don't have time to decode your buzzword salad, you
138 | self-important jackass. HTML doesn't pull this nonsense. It just fucking works.
139 |
140 |
You don't need to "support" HTML
141 |
142 | Ever seen some motherfucker hire a whole team just to babysit HTML? That's
143 | fucking right. Nobody does that bullshit. HTML is so damn reliable it
144 | doesn't need a 24/7 support hotline like some needy-ass framework. While
145 | your bloated, over-engineered frameworks are out there throwing tantrums
146 | every time a browser updates or crying for patches every five minutes, HTML
147 | just sits back, cracks a beer, and does its goddamn job. So next time some
148 | slick salesman tries to shove "premium HTML support" down your throat, tell
149 | them to fuck off.
150 |
151 |
You don't need to "deploy" HTML
152 |
153 | Deploying HTML? That's easier than deleting your browser history after a
154 | porn binge. Just throw your files into a web server directory, and boom. The
155 | whole fucking internet can see your crappy page. No 12-step deployment
156 | process, no DevOps wizards casting spells, no fucking Docker containers or
157 | CI/CD pipelines. Just drag, drop, and you're done. Meanwhile, your fancy
158 | frameworks need a goddamn NASA launch sequence just to push a button that
159 | says "Hello, World". HTML doesn't give a shit about your trendy deployment
160 | tools. It's the dive bar of the web: always open, no frills, just works.
161 | Your framework? The hipster café that"s "temporarily closed" every time you
162 | need it.
163 |
164 |
165 |
166 |
167 | You don't need Sparkling Ass UI to make shit look good, dumbass
168 |
169 |
170 | All you need is fucking brains. Every year, yet another steaming pile of
171 | shit gets released: blazingly fast frameworks that are two farts ahead of
172 | the previous "groundbreaking" crap. Some call it progress. More rounded
173 | corners, more colorful colors, and one more thing to learn.
174 |
175 |
176 | *Fuck that*
177 |
178 |
179 | Just fucking use HTML. I shit you not, it actually looks good:
180 |
Check ✓, check ✓, and ~holy shit~ check again. HTML's been doing this while you were still drooling
186 | over React.
187 |
188 |
189 | Oh, and abbreviations? HTML.
190 | Go ahead, find your dirty trackpad behind the slice of pizza and hover over this motherfucker.
191 |
192 |
h2: Big motherfucker
193 |
Perfect for screaming your main points at the top of your lungs, like "FUCK FRAMEWORKS!"
194 |
h3: Slightly smaller motherfucker
195 |
Still loud enough to tell your subpoints to sit down and shut up.
196 |
h4: Even smaller
197 |
For when you need to whisper some passive-aggressive bullshit.
198 |
h5: You can still see me
199 |
Small, but not small enough to ignore, like that fucking bug in your framework that haunts your every commit.
200 |
h6: Nobody even uses these
201 |
Unless you're writing the fine print for your soul-selling terms of service.
202 |
203 | See? HTML's got hierarchy, style, and your framework's out here trying to
204 | reinvent the wheel, but HTML already built the goddamn car, you
205 | overcomplicating prick.
206 |
207 |
208 |
209 |
Interactive shit? HTML's got it, no JS needed
210 |
211 | Think you need your precious JavaScript for interactivity? Wrong, you clueless fuck. HTML's got expandable sections
212 | baked in:
213 |
214 |
215 | Expandable motherfucker
216 |
Fucking boo, motherfucker 👻
217 |
218 |
219 | And popovers? Yeah, native, no framework bloat. Eat this:
220 |
221 |
222 |
Didn't even know HTML could do this, huh? Suck it.
223 |
Dialogs that'll make you cry for mommy
224 |
225 | Still not impressed? Fine, fine. Toss in a pinch of inline JS (right in the HTML, you purist twat) and you've got
226 | native dialogs.
227 | Pay close attention: no build steps, no frameworks, just raw power.
228 |
229 |
233 |
234 |
235 |
236 |
Forms that work on every Casio calculator
237 |
322 |
323 |
324 | *This form is powered real, raw HTML. No frameworks were harmed, because
325 | they're useless anyway.*
326 |
327 |
328 |
329 | So, what's your excuse now, huh? Still clinging to your trendy frameworks
330 | like a scared little bitch? HTML's like that crusty old barstool that's seen
331 | every fight and still holds your drunk ass up, no questions asked.
332 | Frameworks are the flimsy plastic chairs that snap the second you lean back
333 | too hard: overengineered bullshit that collapses under its own weight. HTML
334 | doesn't need your pity or your goddamn fanfare. It's too busy being the
335 | spine of every site you've ever clicked on, you ungrateful prick. So keep
336 | jerking off to your latest tech fad. HTML's over here, sipping whiskey,
337 | ready to outlast your entire career.
338 |
339 |
340 |
341 |
342 |
"Why not write Assembly then?"
343 |
344 | Oh, here comes the genius motherfucker with the big-brain counterargument:
345 | "Well, if HTML's so great, why not just write everything in Assembly, huh?".
346 | Wow, look at you, you clever little prick. Did you come up with that all by
347 | yourself? Writing web pages in Assembly is like using a fucking scalpel to
348 | slice your overcooked steak: sure, it'll get the job done, but you're gonna
349 | look like a complete asshole while you're at it. HTML just works, you
350 | absolute tool. It's been the backbone of the web since Al Gore flipped the
351 | switch, and it'll still be here long after your trendy framework is rotting
352 | in a GitHub graveyard. So take your smartass logic and shove it. HTML's
353 | king, and you're just a peasant with a keyboard.
354 |
355 |
356 |
357 |
HTML lends crutches to your fucking JS
358 |
359 | Yes you are, motherfucker
360 |
361 |
362 | Did you know that when you slap an id on your HTML element, HTML doesn't
363 | just sit there like a lazy fuck. It actually creates a fucking variable in
364 | JavaScript for you? Yeah, you heard me, you clueless bastard. You don't even
365 | have to lift a finger. HTML's out here doing the heavy lifting while your JS
366 | is still trying to figure out how to tie its shoes.
367 |
368 |
369 | Now go try it, open the console and type "i_am_doofus". Boom! There it is, you
370 | ungrateful shit. HTML just handed you a variable on a silver platter, and
371 | you didn't even have to beg for it. This is basic shit, and if you didn't
372 | know this, congrats. You're officially dumber than a bag of rocks.
373 |
374 |
375 | This is HTML flexing its muscles, showing you it's not just some static
376 | bitch. It's dynamic, it's powerful, and it's been carrying your sorry ass
377 | since day one. Meanwhile, your JS is out here acting like it's the star of
378 | the show, when really, it's just riding HTML's coattails like a cheap date.
379 |
380 |
381 | So next time you're jerking off to your fancy JS frameworks, remember: HTML's
382 | the one doing the real work, and it's laughing at your overcomplicated
383 | bullshit.
384 |
385 |
386 |
387 |
Words of wisdom
388 |
389 |
390 | It's the kind of page that makes you want to weep tears of joy and throw
391 | your overpriced JavaScript framework out the window. It's the kind of page
392 | that makes you want to quit your job and become a full-time HTML
393 | evangelist. It's the kind of page that makes you want to start a cult
394 | dedicated to the worship of HTML. It's the kind of page that makes you
395 | want to write a love letter to HTML and send it to the HTML gods. It's the
396 | kind of page that makes you want to build a shrine to HTML in your living
397 | room and invite all your friends over for a candlelit HTML worship
398 | session. It's the kind of page that makes you want to start a YouTube
399 | channel dedicated to HTML tutorials and rants. It's the kind of page that
400 | makes you want to write a book about HTML and self-publish it on Amazon.
401 | It's the kind of page that makes you want to start a TikTok account
402 | dedicated to HTML and post daily HTML dance videos. It's the kind of page
403 | that makes you want to start a LinkedIn account dedicated to HTML and
404 | connect with other HTML professionals.
405 |