├── .gitignore ├── Rules of Tech Support - phrases.txt ├── Rules of Tech Support - mantras.md ├── Rules of Tech Support - phrases.md ├── Rules of Tech Support - mantras.txt ├── Rules of Tech Support - creditsearch.txt ├── README.md ├── Rules of Tech Support - suggestions.txt ├── Rules of Tech Support - management.txt ├── Rules of Tech Support - management.md ├── Rules of Tech Support - techs.txt ├── Rules of Tech Support - techs.md ├── Rules of Tech Support - main.txt ├── Rules of Tech Support - users will.txt ├── Rules of Tech Support - main.md ├── Rules of Tech Support - users will.md ├── Rules of Tech Support - credits.txt └── Rules of Tech Support - credits.md /.gitignore: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1 | Rules of Tech Support - game.txt 2 | *.bak 3 | Rules of Tech Support - rules - Copy.md 4 | -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- /Rules of Tech Support - phrases.txt: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1 | ***** 2 | 3 | Phrases by tech support 4 | 5 | ***** 6 | Phrase P1 - "Have you tried turning it off and on again?" 7 | 8 | Phrase P2 - "Is it plugged in?" 9 | 10 | Phrase P3 - "Unplug it and plug it back in again." 11 | 12 | Phrase P4 - "While you're here..." 13 | 14 | Phrase P5 - "We did something on our end and you need to restart for it to take effect." 15 | 16 | Phrase P6 - "Humor me." 17 | 18 | Phrase P7 - "Try it again." 19 | 20 | Phrase P8 - "Please do the needful." 21 | 22 | Phrase P9 - "You can just use Google." 23 | 24 | -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- /Rules of Tech Support - mantras.md: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1 | # Mantras 2 | 3 | ### OM1 - Mentat Mantra (Dune modified) 4 | It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion. 5 | It is by the beans of Java the thoughts acquire speed. 6 | The hands acquire shaking. 7 | The shaking becomes a warning. 8 | It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion. 9 | ***** 10 | #### OM2 - We the Willing mantra 11 | 12 | We the willing, led by the unknowing 13 | Did the impossible for the ungrateful 14 | We have done so much for so long with so little 15 | That we can now do anything with nothing. 16 | ***** 17 | -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- /Rules of Tech Support - phrases.md: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1 | # Phrases by tech support 2 | 3 | #### Phrase P1 - "Have you tried turning it off and on again?" 4 | 5 | #### Phrase P2 - "Is it plugged in?" 6 | 7 | #### Phrase P3 - "Unplug it and plug it back in again." 8 | 9 | #### Phrase P4 - "While you're here..." 10 | 11 | #### Phrase P5 - "We did something on our end and you need to restart for it to take effect." 12 | 13 | #### Phrase P6 - "Humor me." 14 | 15 | #### Phrase P7 - "Try it again." 16 | 17 | #### Phrase P8 - "Please do the needful." 18 | 19 | #### Phrase P9 - "You can just use Google." 20 | 21 | -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- /Rules of Tech Support - mantras.txt: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1 | ***** 2 | 3 | Mantras 4 | 5 | ***** 6 | 7 | OM1 - Mentat Mantra (Dune modified) 8 | It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion. 9 | It is by the beans of Java the thoughts acquire speed. 10 | The hands acquire shaking. 11 | The shaking becomes a warning. 12 | It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion. 13 | 14 | ***** 15 | 16 | OM2 - We the Willing mantra 17 | 18 | We the willing, led by the unknowing 19 | Did the impossible for the ungrateful 20 | We have done so much for so long with so little 21 | That we can now do anything with nothing. 22 | 23 | ***** 24 | -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- /Rules of Tech Support - creditsearch.txt: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1 | Rules for which credit has not been given. 2 | 3 | 2 4 | 5 5 | *5A 6 | 6A 7 | 6B 8 | *8 9 | *9 10 | *9A 11 | 9B 12 | 16 13 | 20 14 | 22 15 | 23 16 | 25 17 | 27A 18 | 28 19 | 30A 20 | 30B 21 | 31 22 | 32A 23 | 32B 24 | 32C 25 | 33A 26 | 33B 27 | 43 28 | 44 29 | 45 30 | 53 31 | 53A 32 | 53B 33 | 54 34 | 56 35 | 59 36 | 63B 37 | 65 38 | 66 39 | 67 40 | 68 41 | 70 42 | 74 43 | 82 44 | 84 45 | ----- 46 | W1 47 | W2A 48 | *W4 49 | *W5 50 | W5A 51 | W5B 52 | W5C 53 | *W6 54 | *W7 55 | W9 56 | W9A 57 | *W11 58 | *W11A 59 | *W12 60 | *W13 61 | W13A 62 | W13B 63 | *W16A 64 | *W17B 65 | *W18C 66 | *W21 67 | *W22 68 | W23D 69 | *W25 70 | *W26 71 | W28A 72 | W28B 73 | W28C 74 | W29A 75 | *W30 76 | *W32 77 | *W35 78 | W37 79 | W38 80 | W38A 81 | W40 82 | W41 83 | W42 84 | W43 85 | W44 86 | W45 87 | W45A 88 | W49 89 | W50 90 | W51 91 | W52 92 | W53 93 | W54 94 | W59 95 | W60 96 | W61 97 | W62 98 | W63 99 | ----- 100 | T3 101 | T4 102 | T4A 103 | T5 104 | T9B 105 | T10A 106 | T11 107 | T11B 108 | T13 109 | T14 110 | T20 111 | T22 112 | T24 113 | T26 114 | ----- 115 | M2 116 | M2A 117 | M8 118 | M9 119 | M10 120 | M11 121 | M12 122 | M18 123 | ----- 124 | -P1 125 | -P2 126 | -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- /README.md: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1 | #### Contributions and feedback are definitely welcome. Pull requests are okay. 2 | 3 | ***Created from and contributed to by the users of /r/talesfromtechsupport*** 4 | *** 5 | ## The sections are: 6 | 7 | ## Credits 8 | I have tried to give credit as best as I could. A number of these are from three or four years ago and I didn't think to keep track most of the time. I managed to find many of the contributors and their contributions using Google and Bing. However, some of the Rules kept the essence of a contribution but the wording changed so are not searchable. If you are certain that you inspired a Rule, let me know. 9 | *** 10 | ## Users 11 | The main section. Rules that cannot fit elsewhere are put here. 12 | 13 | ## Users Will... 14 | 15 | Rules that have "users will" in them. 16 | 17 | ## Tech Only 18 | 19 | Rules about dealing with other techs. Some of it can be put in the main list of Rules, or from there to here, but would make that list a lot longer. 20 | *** 21 | ## Management 22 | 23 | Rules about dealing with manglement. 24 | *** 25 | ## Phrases 26 | Questions and statements by tech support. Not to be shared with users. 27 | *** 28 | ## Mantras 29 | A tech version of meditations. Ommm... 30 | *** 31 | ## Versions posted on the TFTS reddit 32 | 33 | **PV1** - https://www.reddit.com/r/talesfromtechsupport/comments/7ddtpq/rules_of_tech_support_with_credits/ 34 | 35 | **PV2** - https://www.reddit.com/r/talesfromtechsupport/comments/7efnva/rules_of_tech_support_version_2/ 36 | 37 | **PV3** - https://www.reddit.com/r/talesfromtechsupport/comments/7iqhnq/rules_of_tech_support_version_3/ 38 | 39 | **PV4** - https://www.reddit.com/r/talesfromtechsupport/comments/81ce8r/rules_of_tech_support_version_4_or_032018/ 40 | 41 | **PV5** - https://www.reddit.com/r/talesfromtechsupport/comments/mkud9j/rules_of_tech_support_20210405/ 42 | ***** 43 | -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- /Rules of Tech Support - suggestions.txt: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1 | ----- 2 | /u/Geminii27 3 | 4 | W18E - Users will insist that you 'should have just known' about things they never reported. 5 | W18F - Users will tell everyone except the IT department about the problem, and complain that it 'still' hasn't been fixed. 6 | 7 | W19A - Users will assume that anything affecting one device they are using is an office-wide or even global-scale problem. 8 | 9 | W24A1 - And act as if no-one could possibly know it because they don't. 10 | W24A2 - And they will forget it by the next time they need to know it, whether that is in six months or six minutes. 11 | 12 | W28A1 - And will never consider whether they'd try to drive their car while their mechanic was working on it. 13 | 14 | W35A - Especially if that will fix the problem they specifically called to complain about. 15 | W35B - Even if you never actually touched it, they just called or emailed you. Even if you never answered. 16 | 17 | W51A - Except if they spoke to you previously, whereapon they will call "the previous tech" all sorts of names and blame them for everything that happened since the dawn of creation. 18 | 19 | W60A - By "too old", users will mean that their equipment isn't as big, shiny, or featuring in as many recent ads as equipment being used by other people (including those in other organizations). Even if those other people have completely differnt jobs and equipment requirements. 20 | W60B - Even if those other people never actually use the equipment they have been issued. 21 | W60C - Even if the user will never use that equipment themselves. 22 | 23 | W64C - Or that the word 'wireless' applies to power as well as data. 24 | 25 | W69A - Even if it never worked on their computer. 26 | 27 | W77A - The ones who do this will never be ones you might appreciate doing this. 28 | 29 | W79A1 - Users will plug space heaters back in anywhere and kill the power in their area repeatedly until the space heater is locked away or ejected from the building. 30 | W79A2 - Users will return the following year with a new space heater. 31 | 32 | W88B - Users will expect you to be instantly available for them at any time they call, no matter the time, the day of the week, or whether any other part of the company or country is open for business at that moment. 33 | 34 | - Users will call you, tell you to 'fix the thing', and then hang up and go on vacation without providing any information. 35 | They will then get mad at you when they return and the thing - whatever it might have been - hasn't been fixed. And the ticket has been closed because they didn't respond. 36 | 37 | - Printers and other peripherals are more a sign of social status than required functionality. Users will therefore demand that they have access to a bigger, more capable, and more private-use printer than anyone they perceive as being of lower status, or anyone they simply want to appear more important than. They will also demand the same peripherals (and access to them) as people they want to be seen as having the same social status as. 38 | 39 | - Users will believe anything that anyone else tells them about what computers can do, or have done, even if they never see evidence of such. Then they will complain that the computer they were issued doesn't do that. Even if it does. 40 | 41 | ----- 42 | -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- /Rules of Tech Support - management.txt: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1 | ***** 2 | 3 | Dealing with Management 4 | 5 | ***** 6 | 7 | Rule M1 - Management might find these rules. Plead ignorance. 8 | 9 | Rule M2 - Never believe anything management tells you. 10 | Rule M2A - Especially if a merger or bad news is involved. 11 | 12 | Rule M3 - Management will order stuff they have no clue about. 13 | Rule M3A - Management will expect the thing they bought to work perfectly out of the box. 14 | Rule M3B - You will be blamed when it doesn't work. 15 | Rule M3C - Especially when this is the first you are learning of this item even existing. 16 | 17 | Rule M4 - Management will be puzzled as to why you have no clue about the thing they have no clue about... 18 | 19 | Rule M5 - Management will expect you to be up to speed on their under the table projects, with decisions based only on what the salesman says, without consulting IT. 20 | 21 | Rule M6 - Your boss will not have a tech background or a degree in your field. 22 | 23 | Rule M7 - Management will present impossible tasks to be done. 24 | Rule M7A - Management will then become outraged that said tasks were not completed. 25 | 26 | Rule M8 - Management will blame you when things do not work. 27 | Rule M8A - Even if the equipment is not IT related. 28 | Rule M8B - Even if the equipment is IT related but is property of a third-party and thus their responsibility. 29 | 30 | Rule M9 - Management will blame you if anything that was completed does not meet their expectations (they won't), no matter how difficult they were. 31 | 32 | Rule M10 - If a project makes sense, something is wrong. 33 | 34 | Rule M11 - If it's free or very cheap, management will think that it cannot be as good as the commercial stuff. 35 | 36 | Rule M12 - Not all management is bad. Seriously. 37 | 38 | Rule M13 - Do not, in any circumstances, send private *anything* via email. Especially if you're the CEO. 39 | 40 | Rule M14 - You will never get interviewed by anyone who will actually understand your answers. 41 | 42 | Rule M15 - Management will give you a budget of zero dollars and expect you to work miracles. 43 | Rule M15A - “Boss paralysis” happens when they ask you a question that needs a numeric answer, and they become catatonic until you say a number. Failing to recognize the nature of this condition may result in you having a budget of $911. 44 | 45 | Rule M16 - Management never wants to pay to upgrade anything. 46 | Rule M16A - Unless it's for management. 47 | 48 | Rule M17 - Managers might fire you for going outside the scope of your job. 49 | Rule M17A - Managers will tell you to go outside the scope of your job, even if you don't report to them. 50 | Rule M17B - Users will insist on you going outside the scope of your job and threaten to have you fired if you don't. 51 | 52 | Rule M18 - Better tools and solutions exist. You just either don't know about them or you can't afford them. Even if you can, management won't let you get them. 53 | 54 | Rule M19 - Management only cares about productivity that is reported. 55 | Rule M19A - Find out what figure they think is the most important and focus your efforts on that. 56 | 57 | Rule M20 - Management will have you do their job for them. 58 | 59 | Rule M21 - Management will take away your tools and expect you to use the same equipment as every one else and yet expect you to do your job anyway. 60 | 61 | Rule M22 - Being a tech in management doesn't make you exempt from the Rules, even *Rule M1* (when it comes to dealing with upper management). 62 | 63 | Rule M23 - Management will tell you to do someone else's job but only give credit to them. 64 | 65 | Rule M24 - Management (and coworkers) will treat the help better than they treat you. 66 | 67 | Rule M25 - The OSI model has layer 8 (user) and layer 9 (management). 68 | 69 | Rule M26 - Managers often have a checklist, which no one else will care about. 70 | 71 | Rule M27 - Managers will ask you to do something that is stupid/expensive/won’t work. 72 | Rule M27A - When they do, always ask for it in writing to CYA. 73 | Rule M27B - If they give it in writing, send a copy to your personal e-mail address. 74 | 75 | Rule M28 - Buzzwords rule all decisions. 76 | 77 | 78 | Rule MAN - Who your manager is likely to be. 79 | -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- /Rules of Tech Support - management.md: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1 | Also at https://github.com/morriscox/Rules-of-Tech-Support/blob/master/Rules%20of%20Tech%20Support%20-%20management.md 2 | 3 | The other sections of the Rules of Tech Support are available at https://github.com/morriscox/Rules-of-Tech-Support 4 | 5 | Credits are listed there. The requirements for being listed here is that the main Rule must have to do with management. 6 | 7 | # Dealing with Management 8 | ***** 9 | #### Rule M1 - Management might find these rules. Plead ignorance. 10 | 11 | #### Rule M2 - Never believe anything management tells you. 12 | 13 | **Rule M2A** - Especially if a merger or bad news is involved. 14 | 15 | #### Rule M3 - Management will order stuff they have no clue about. 16 | 17 | **Rule M3A** - Management will expect the thing they bought to work perfectly out of the box. 18 | 19 | **Rule M3B** - You will be blamed when it doesn't work. 20 | 21 | **Rule M3C** - Especially when this is the first you are learning of this item even existing. 22 | 23 | #### Rule M4 - Management will be puzzled as to why you have no clue about the thing they have no clue about... 24 | 25 | #### Rule M5 - Management will expect you to be up to speed on their under the table projects, with decisions based only on what the salesman says, without consulting IT. 26 | 27 | #### Rule M6 - Your boss will not have a tech background or a degree in your field. 28 | 29 | #### Rule M7 - Management will present impossible tasks to be done. 30 | 31 | **Rule M7A** - Management will then become outraged that said tasks were not completed. 32 | 33 | #### Rule M8 - Management will blame you when things do not work. 34 | 35 | **Rule M8A** - Even if the equipment is not IT related. 36 | 37 | **Rule M8B** - Even if the equipment is IT related but is property of a third-party and thus their responsibility. 38 | 39 | #### Rule M9 - Management will blame you if anything that was completed does not meet their expectations (they won't), no matter how difficult they were. 40 | 41 | #### Rule M10 - If a project makes sense, something is wrong. 42 | 43 | #### Rule M11 - If it's free or very cheap, management will think that it cannot be as good as the commercial stuff. 44 | 45 | #### Rule M12 - Not all management is bad. Seriously. 46 | 47 | #### Rule M13 - Do not, in any circumstances, send private *anything* via email. Especially if you're the CEO. 48 | 49 | #### Rule M14 - You will never get interviewed by anyone who will actually understand your answers. 50 | 51 | #### Rule M15 - Management will give you a budget of zero dollars and expect you to work miracles. 52 | 53 | **Rule M15A** - “Boss paralysis” happens when they ask you a question that needs a numeric answer, and they become catatonic until you say a number. Failing to recognize the nature of this condition may result in you having a budget of $911. 54 | 55 | #### Rule M16 - Management never wants to pay to upgrade anything. 56 | 57 | **Rule M16A** - Unless it's for management. 58 | 59 | #### Rule M17 - Managers might fire you for going outside the scope of your job. 60 | 61 | **Rule M17A** - Managers will tell you to go outside the scope of your job, even if you don't report to them. 62 | 63 | **Rule M17B** - Users will insist on you going outside the scope of your job and threaten to have you fired if you don't. 64 | 65 | #### Rule M18 - Better tools and solutions exist. You just either don't know about them or you can't afford them. Even if you can, management won't let you get them. 66 | 67 | #### Rule M19 - Management only cares about productivity that is reported. 68 | 69 | **Rule M19A** - Find out what figure they think is the most important and focus your efforts on that. 70 | 71 | #### Rule M20 - Management will have you do their job for them. 72 | 73 | #### Rule M21 - Management will take away your tools and expect you to use the same equipment as every one else and yet expect you to do your job anyway. 74 | 75 | #### Rule M22 - Being a tech in management doesn't make you exempt from the Rules, even *Rule M1* (when it comes to dealing with upper management). 76 | 77 | #### Rule M23 - Management will tell you to do someone else's job but only give credit to them. 78 | 79 | #### Rule M24 - Management (and coworkers) will treat the help better than they treat you. 80 | 81 | #### Rule M25 - The OSI model has layer 8 (user) and layer 9 (management). 82 | 83 | #### Rule M26 - Managers often have a checklist, which no one else will care about. 84 | 85 | #### Rule M27 - Managers will ask you to do something that is stupid/expensive/won’t work. 86 | 87 | Rule **M27A** - When they do, always ask for it in writing to CYA. 88 | 89 | Rule **M27B** - If they give it in writing, send a copy to your personal e-mail address. 90 | 91 | #### Rule M28 - Buzzwords rule all decisions. 92 | 93 | 94 | #### Rule MAN - Who your manager is likely to be. 95 | -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- /Rules of Tech Support - techs.txt: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1 | **** 2 | 3 | Dealing (primarily) with other techs 4 | 5 | **** 6 | 7 | Rule T1 - CYA 8 | Rule T1A - Always have someone else to blame it on. 9 | 10 | Rule T2 - Never lie to another tech. 11 | Rule T2A - Unless that tech is the person you're about to blame. See *Rule T1A* and *Rule T13*. 12 | Rule T2B - Sometimes you will need to lie in order to deal with things like warranty repairs or getting ISPs to do the right thing. 13 | 14 | Rule T3 - Never assume anything. 15 | Rule T3A - Does the issue even exist? 16 | Rule T3B - Is it even plugged in? 17 | Rule T3C - Is it turned on? 18 | 19 | Rule T4 - Don't expect your boss or coworkers or users to understand just what it is that you do. 20 | Rule T4A - Even if they are a tech. 21 | 22 | Rule T5 - Sometimes, you will be the one who is wrong. 23 | 24 | Rule T6 - Don't try to do work over the Internet while in a moving airplane. 25 | 26 | Rule T7 - Never call support with your cellphone if you can help it. Otherwise, you won't be able to drop the problem in someone else's lap. 27 | 28 | Rule T8 - You will really screw up eventually and it is going to be a doozy. 29 | 30 | Rule T9 - Backup following the Rule of Three. A backup, a copy of the backup, and a copy of the copy. Test them. 31 | Rule T9A - Consider using other backup strategies. See *Link TL1* 32 | Rule T9B - There is no backup. If there is a backup, it is either corrupt or years out of date. 33 | Rule T9C - If you can't restore from it, you don't have a backup. 34 | Rule T9D - If you haven't tested your backup recently, you don't have a backup. 35 | Rule T9E - A year ago is not "recently". 36 | 37 | 38 | Rule T10 - Assume that there are also inside threats, even inside IT. It's not paranoia if they really are after you (or your stuff). 39 | Rule T10A - Don't trust your coworkers. They might be using *Rule T2A*. 40 | Rule T10B - Don't even trust yourself. One error and you might cause serious damage or become a security leak. 41 | Rule T10C - The new member on your team will send critical sensitive information to anyone who asks without trying to do any verification. 42 | 43 | Rule T11 - When you need tech support, the tech support person is likely to be clueless. 44 | Rule T11A - Whenever you have a problem, you will be unable to find a solution until just before the tech you called for help arrives. 45 | Rule T11B - If the tech you called in isn't clueless, then you were and your problem has an obvious solution that you completely missed that they will point out seconds after they arrive. 46 | Rule T11C - If none of these apply, the solution will be something random that will make no sense whatsoever to you or the technician. 47 | 48 | Rule T12 - Every tech has their own set of Rules, even if they don't know it. 49 | 50 | Rule T13 - Every tech is also a user. 51 | Rule T13A - Techs will treat you like you are a user. 52 | 53 | Rule T14 - Make sure your coworkers don't make changes before going on vacation. 54 | 55 | Rule T15 - No technical person reads all of the rules. They will act like they know them until the place catches fire, then complain about incomplete documentation. 56 | Rule T15A - Especially if it was the documentation that went up in flames first. 57 | 58 | Rule T16 - Womprats aren't much larger than two meters. 59 | 60 | Rule T17 - Third-Party IT will make configuration overhauls without notifying your company's IT department, and then blame your company for problems caused by their configuration mishap. 61 | 62 | Rule T18 - You are incompetent. You just don't know it. At least, that's what your replacement will think. 63 | Rule T18A - The tech that you replaced was incompetent and you have a huge mess that will take months to fix. - /u/morriscox 64 | Rule T18B - You will have to deal with techs who are incompetent. - /u/morriscox 65 | Rule T18C - Sometimes, you really are incompetent. - /u/morriscox 66 | 67 | Rule T19 - You might find people who support you. Reciprocate. 68 | 69 | Rule T20 - Always verify who you are corresponding with. This includes not using Reply All. 70 | 71 | Rule T21 - Use your inner laziness to do the most elegant solution possible. 72 | Rule T21A - Know the difference between "truly lazy" and "plain laziness". 73 | 74 | Rule T22 - If nothing seems to work, reboot. 75 | 76 | Rule T23 - Cables can and will be used as ropes. 77 | 78 | Rule T24 - Other techs will never read the manual. 79 | Rule T24A - Neither will you. 80 | 81 | Rule T25 - Your fellow techs will expect you to be their tech support. 82 | 83 | Rule T26 - A tech will install equipment in dangerous environments. 84 | 85 | Rule T27 - Third part IT will remove equipment and not tell you or the user. 86 | 87 | Rule T28 - The biggest enemy of good IT is that they are outnumbered by lazy IT. 88 | 89 | Rule T29 - Grow a beard so that people don't recognize you. 90 | 91 | 92 | Rule T568A - white green, green, white orange, blue, white blue, orange, white brown, brown 93 | Rule T568B - white orange, orange, white green, blue, white blue, green, white brown, brown 94 | 95 | Rule T1000 - Buy stock in Boston Dynamics but sell all of it before 2029. 96 | ----- 97 | Links 98 | 99 | Link TL1 - https://www.unitrends.com/blog/3-2-1-backup-sucks 100 | 101 | -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- /Rules of Tech Support - techs.md: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1 | # Dealing (primarily) with other techs 2 | 3 | #### Rule T1 - CYA 4 | 5 | **Rule T1A** - Always have someone else to blame it on. 6 | 7 | #### Rule T2 - Never lie to another tech. 8 | 9 | **Rule T2A** - Unless that tech is the person you're about to blame. See *Rule T1A*. 10 | 11 | **Rule T2B** - Sometimes you will need to lie in order to deal with things like warranty repairs or getting ISPs to do the right thing. 12 | 13 | #### Rule T3 - Never assume anything. 14 | 15 | **Rule T3A** - Does the issue even exist? 16 | 17 | **Rule T3B** - Is it even plugged in? 18 | 19 | **Rule T3C** - Is it turned on? 20 | 21 | #### Rule T4 - Don't expect your boss or coworkers or users to understand just what it is that you do. 22 | 23 | **Rule T4A** - Even if they are a tech. 24 | 25 | #### Rule T5 - Sometimes, you will be the one who is wrong. 26 | 27 | #### Rule T6 - Don't try to do work over the Internet while in a moving airplane. 28 | 29 | #### Rule T7 - Never call support with your cellphone if you can help it. Otherwise, you won't be able to drop the problem in someone else's lap. 30 | 31 | #### Rule T8 - You will really screw up eventually and it is going to be a doozy. 32 | 33 | #### Rule T9 - Backup following the Rule of Three. A backup, a copy of the backup, and a copy of the copy. Test them. 34 | 35 | **Rule T9A** - Consider using other backup strategies. See *Link TL1*(https://www.unitrends.com/blog/3-2-1-backup-sucks). 36 | 37 | **Rule T9B** - There is no backup. If there is a backup, it is either corrupt or years out of date. 38 | 39 | **Rule T9C** - If you can't restore from it, you don't have a backup. 40 | 41 | **Rule T9D** - If you haven't tested your backup recently, you don't have a backup. 42 | 43 | **Rule T9E** - A year ago is not "recently". 44 | 45 | #### Rule T10 - Assume that there are also inside threats, even inside IT. It's not paranoia if they really are after you (or your stuff). 46 | 47 | **Rule T10A** - Don't trust your coworkers. They might be using *Rule T2A*. 48 | 49 | **Rule T10B** - Don't even trust yourself. One error and you might cause serious damage or become a security leak. 50 | 51 | **Rule T10C** - The new member on your team will send critical sensitive information to anyone who asks without trying to do any verification. 52 | 53 | #### Rule T11 - When you need tech support, the tech support person is likely to be clueless. 54 | 55 | **Rule T11A** - Whenever you have a problem, you will be unable to find a solution until just before the tech you called for help arrives. 56 | 57 | **Rule T11B** - If the tech you called in isn't clueless, then you were and your problem has an obvious solution that you completely missed that they will point out seconds after they arrive. 58 | 59 | **Rule T11C** - If none of these apply, the solution will be something random that will make no sense whatsoever to you or the technician. 60 | 61 | #### Rule T12 - Every tech has their own set of Rules, even if they don't know it. 62 | 63 | #### Rule T13 - Every tech is also a user. 64 | 65 | **Rule T13A** - Techs will treat you like you are a user. 66 | 67 | #### Rule T14 - Make sure your coworkers don't make changes before going on vacation. 68 | 69 | #### Rule T15 - No technical person reads all of the rules. They will act like they know them until the place catches fire, then complain about incomplete documentation. 70 | 71 | **Rule T15A** - Especially if it was the documentation that went up in flames first. 72 | 73 | #### Rule T16 - Womprats aren't much larger than two meters. 74 | 75 | #### Rule T17 - Third-Party IT will make configuration overhauls without notifying your company's IT department, and then blame your company for problems caused by their configuration mishap. 76 | 77 | #### Rule T18 - You are incompetent. You just don't know it. At least, that's what your replacement will think. 78 | 79 | **Rule T18A** - You will have to deal with techs who are incompetent. 80 | 81 | **Rule T18B** - Sometimes, you really are incompetent. 82 | 83 | #### Rule T19 - You might find people who support you. Reciprocate. 84 | 85 | #### Rule T20 - Always verify who you are corresponding with. This includes not using Reply All. 86 | 87 | #### Rule T21 - Use your inner laziness to do the most elegant solution possible. 88 | 89 | **Rule T21A** - Know the difference between "truly lazy" and "plain laziness". 90 | 91 | #### Rule T22 - If nothing seems to work, reboot. 92 | 93 | #### Rule T23 - Cables can and will be used as ropes. 94 | 95 | #### Rule T24 - Other techs will never read the manual. 96 | 97 | **Rule T24A** - Neither will you. 98 | 99 | #### Rule T25 - Your fellow techs will expect you to be their tech support. 100 | 101 | ### Rule T26 - A tech will install equipment in dangerous environments. 102 | 103 | ### Rule T27 - Third part IT will remove equipment and not tell you or the user. 104 | 105 | ### Rule T28 - The biggest enemy of good IT is that they are outnumbered by lazy IT. 106 | 107 | ### Rule T29 - Grow a beard so that people don't recognize you. 108 | 109 | 110 | **Rule T568A** - white green, green, white orange, blue, white blue, orange, white brown, brown 111 | 112 | **Rule T568B** - white orange, orange, white green, blue, white blue, green, white brown, brown 113 | 114 | #### Rule T1000 - Buy stock in Boston Dynamics but sell all of it before 2029. 115 | ***** 116 | -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- /Rules of Tech Support - main.txt: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1 | ***** 2 | 3 | Rules of Tech Support 4 | 5 | ***** 6 | 7 | Rule 1 - Users lie. 8 | Rule 1A - It may not be malicious or willful, but Rule 1 is always in effect. 9 | Rule 1B - Users assume you don't know they are lying. 10 | Rule 1C - Users continue to lie as a result. 11 | Rule 1D - When caught in a lie, users get angry. 12 | Rule 1E - Users lie even when they aren't users. 13 | Rule 1F - If they are not lying, then they are wrong. 14 | Rule 1G - Accept that you will eventually have to lie to get the user to do what you need them to do. 15 | 16 | Rule 2 - Explain everything as simply as possible. 17 | Rule 2A - There is no language simple enough to make a user understand anything. 18 | Rule 2B - Emojis are NEVER an answer. 19 | 20 | Rule 3 - User caused problems are caused by tech support. 21 | Rule 3A - As it's your fault, they don't want to be billed. 22 | Rule 3B - All issues are user issues. If there are no users, no issues get reported, no tickets get created. Ergo, it must be users who are responsible. 23 | 24 | Rule 4 - If it doesn't work, it is your fault. 25 | Rule 4A - If it does, you had nothing to do with it. 26 | 27 | Rule 5 - If you take the time to visit the user's desk, the problem will magically have fixed itself. 28 | Rule 5A - Or the solution is bound to be really simple. 29 | Rule 5B - Or the user left the office moments after entering the ticket, and won't be back for days. How long is uncertain as these users never use their calendar. 30 | Rule 5C - Or when they do, they won't have shared it with you or they entered an all-day event as taking an hour. 31 | Rule 5D - The problem will be solved by doing something you already asked them to but they said it didn't work. 32 | 33 | Rule 6 - All users consider their situation to be more important than others, even if they know you are helping someone else. 34 | 35 | Rule 6A - All users want VIP treatment. 36 | Rule 6B - But they don't ever want to pay for VIP treatment. 37 | 38 | Rule 7 - It doesn't matter how much time the user claims something will take. See *Rule 1*. 39 | 40 | Rule 8 - Users never read error messages, if they read anything at all. 41 | Rule 8A - If a user reads an alert or error message, they don't know what to do even if they can only do one thing. 42 | Rule 8B - The more advanced degree a user has, the less likely they are to read anything. 43 | Rule 8C - They will give the wrong error message. 44 | Rule 8D - If a user receives an error, when asked what it says, the user will reply: "I don't know, just an error. I closed it." 45 | Rule 8E - "Isn't it YOUR JOB to know that?" 46 | Rule 8F - Users will not read you the entire error code or message or will read everything else. 47 | Rule 8G - If the user reads you the error message in its entirety, it will be irrelevant to the issue. 48 | 49 | Rule 9 - Expect any and all jargon and technical terms (such as wireless) to be misunderstood. 50 | Rule 9A - Expect everything to be misinterpreted. 51 | Rule 9B - All jargon is the same to users. 52 | Rule 9C - All jargon will be used incorrectly. 53 | 54 | Rule 10 - About half of tech support is solving issues that are only partially related to what is supposed to be fixed. 55 | 56 | Rule 11 - No system is idiot-proof enough to best all users. 57 | Rule 11A - If you haven't found a user able to best your system, it's because they haven't found you yet. 58 | Rule 11B - Nature will take as a challenge any attempt to create an idiot-proof system. 59 | 60 | Rule 12 - There is nothing so stupid that no one will do. 61 | Rule 12A - Stupid questions do exist. 62 | Rule 12B - There is no such thing as a stupid question, just stupid people. Asking a stupid question identifies a stupid user and therefore the question itself is not stupid. 63 | 64 | Rule 13 - Never believe a user who claims that there is nothing that needs to be saved. See *Rule W10* and *Rule W10A*. 65 | 66 | Rule 14 - Sometimes you need to trick users in order to get the job done. 67 | Rule 14A - Sometimes you have to make people, not just users, terrified to get them to do what they are supposed to. 68 | 69 | Rule 15 - Users care more about things working than in how you pulled it off. 70 | 71 | Rule 16 - A user's appreciation for your work is inversely proportional to how difficult it was. 72 | 73 | Rule 17 - If you have an accent, then you will be perceived to be in a foreign country. 74 | 75 | Rule 18 - Never trust a user. 76 | Rule 18A - Everyone is a user. Even you. 77 | 78 | Rule 19 - The most intelligent person you know will be defeated by a mere computer. 79 | Rule 19A - Even if it's you. 80 | 81 | Rule 20 - The quickest way to find out who is responsible for something is to do the scream test. Remove that something and see who complains. 82 | Rule 20A - If nobody screamed instantly, users may wait until it has been long enough that the thing has been thrown away and can't be recovered any more. Then you will learn that said thing was critical for some task that absolutely has to be done right now, just like every X years. 83 | 84 | Rule 21 - Never underestimate the power of the end user to complicate things. 85 | 86 | Rule 22 - If it looks different, then it's broken. 87 | 88 | Rule 23 - Never give a user options. 89 | 90 | Rule 24 - When you receive a ticket and call the user immediately they definitely won't be at their desk. 91 | Rule 24A - If you email them they will already be on vacation. 92 | Rule 24B - The less time that they're in the office, the more urgent their issue is. 93 | 94 | Rule 25 - Watch out for Finagle's Law which states that 'Anything that can go wrong, will — at the worst possible moment.' 95 | 96 | Rule 26 - Always have a small list of phrases to get users to do what you are trying to get them to do. 97 | Rule 26A - Only share these with other techs. 98 | 99 | Rule 27 - Don't let people know you are a tech. They are likely to ask for free tech support. 100 | Rule 27A - Never, EVER, give out personal contact information. 101 | 102 | Rule 28 - Sometimes, you will be the one who is wrong. 103 | 104 | Rule 29 - Expect equipment to be placed in bad locations. 105 | 106 | Rule 30 - It's always the printer|DNS|server|browser|connection. It's never the printer|DNS|server|browser|connection. 107 | Rule 30A - It's always the printer. Printers are evil. 108 | Rule 30B - Printers are evil because of users. 109 | Rule 30C - If a document fails to print, users will keep trying just to make sure it prints. 110 | Rule 30D - The true importance of the documents they are trying to print will be inversely proportional to the fit they are throwing. 111 | Rule 30E - Users will mash buttons and go through random menus and do random actions until errors go away or the printer is messed up. See also *Rule W84*. 112 | Rule 30F - Did you check DNS? Check again. 113 | 114 | Rule 31 - All user provided information must be verified. 115 | 116 | Rule 32 - If you are a female tech, users will ask to speak to a man. 117 | Rule 32A - You will be the only one who can actually help the user even though they will not believe a girl really knows anything. 118 | Rule 32B - You actually know twice as much as the male techs but get only half the respect. 119 | Rule 32C - Guys will pay more attention to your looks/voice than your mind. 120 | Rule 32D - You'll get tons of calls from men (especially if you are attractive) who will even disconnect stuff to get you to go to them. 121 | Rule 32DD - Women will cause IT problems to keep you away from men. 122 | 123 | Rule 33 - Just because it worked yesterday does not mean that it will today. 124 | Rule 33A - Just because it didn't work yesterday does not mean that it won't today. 125 | Rule 33B - Things only work when you are paying attention to them. 126 | 127 | Rule 34 - Never refer to this Rule by its name. 128 | 129 | Rule 35 - Updates will be both solutions and banes, usually at the same time. 130 | 131 | Rule 36 - Sometimes, you have to nuke everything. 132 | 133 | Rule 37 - Focus on getting things working, then on getting them done right. 134 | Rule 37A - By hook or by crook. 135 | Rule 37B - When things are working right, leave them alone. 136 | Rule 37C - If something starts working, even if you KNOW what you just did shouldn't have fixed it, raise your hands in the air unthreatening-like and slowly back out of the room. 137 | Rule 37D - You only think it's working. The real cause will wait a while and then break everything in a spectacular fashion a few months down the line. Luckily, by then it's usually no longer your problem. 138 | Rule 37E - It will still be your problem. 139 | 140 | Rule 38 - There's always a relevant xkcd. 141 | Rule 38A - If you can't find a relevant xkcd, it's because you haven't looked hard enough. 142 | Rule 38B - If there is no relevant xkcd, there is always a relevant Dilbert strip. 143 | Rule 38C - If there is no relevant xkcd or Dilbert strip, there's a relevant entry in The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries. See *Link L1* 144 | Rule 38D - If you can't find a relevant xkcd, Dilbert, or Maxim, your problem does not exist. 145 | 146 | Rule 39 - You and your work will never be appreciated since if you did your job right, none of these problems would have happened. 147 | 148 | Rule 40 - All IT urban legends are true. 149 | 150 | Rule 41 - If it takes TFTS to turn you paranoid, you likely haven't been in tech support for very long. 151 | Rule 41A - You aren't paranoid. They really are out to get you. 152 | 153 | Rule 42 - You already know the answer. 154 | 155 | Rule 43 - Every tech is also a user. 156 | 157 | Rule 44 - Never make changes before going on vacation. 158 | 159 | Rule 45 - The more you specialize, the less you will remember about basic desktop functions. 160 | 161 | Rule 46 - No technical person reads all of the rules. They will act like they know them until the place catches fire, then complain about incomplete documentation. 162 | Rule 46A - Especially if it was the documentation that went up in flames first. 163 | 164 | Rule 47 - Don't help anyone who is not paying you in some way as they won't take your advice seriously. 165 | 166 | Rule 48 - Vendors will tell you that you need to upgrade to the newest version in order to fix things. If you are on the latest version, they will tell you to wait till the next version. 167 | Rule 48A - If the problem remains reproducible on the latest version, they may tell you to downgrade. Even if you just upgraded per *Rule 48*. 168 | Rule 48B - It's not a bug, it's an undocumented feature. 169 | 170 | Rule 49 - Never assume anyone else is smarter than you. 171 | Rule 49A - Never assume you are smarter than anyone else. 172 | Rule 49B - A user's intelligence will always be precisely what is needed for maximum damage. 173 | 174 | Rule 50 - Scheduled updates won't. 175 | Rule 50A - Anything scheduled will break things, especially if you are not available. 176 | 177 | Rule 51 - Drivers will drive you bonkers, if you can even find them. Even if you can find them they may not be compatible. See *Link L2*. 178 | Rule 51A - Drivers are the real threat, not hardware. 179 | Rule 51B - Drivers using hardware [heavy machinery] are also a real threat. Backhoes/diggers have a magnetic attraction to fiber optics and the drivers have an innate ability to find optical fiber. See *Link L2*. 180 | 181 | Rule 52 - No is the answer for every request as long as it's plausible. 182 | 183 | Rule 53 - Treat your job like a role playing game. See *Link L3*. 184 | 185 | Rule 54 - Don't run stuff that you are not supposed to unless *Rule 37* and *Rule 37A* apply. 186 | 187 | Rule 55 - The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries are always applicable. See *Link L1*. 188 | Rule 55A - Sometimes the applicability of the Maxims is not immediately obvious. 189 | 190 | Rule 56 - Get to know the Dunning-Kruger effect. See *Link L4*. 191 | 192 | Rule 57 - You might want to consider starting the day with coffee or tea and ending with whiskey or scotch or bourbon or beer... 193 | 194 | Rule 58 - Vendors might not follow standards. 195 | 196 | Rule 59 - You might find people who support you. Reciprocate. 197 | 198 | Rule 60 - When a user activates the Swedish Fish rule, they get preferential treatment. 199 | 200 | Rule 61 - Like the military says, never volunteer. 201 | 202 | Rule 62 - Some bugs are Heisenbugs; they can only occur if they are not being observed. Users do not count as observers. 203 | 204 | Rule 63 - Something will be needed right after you get rid of it. 205 | Rule 63A - Once you replace it, you will no longer need it. 206 | Rule 63B - You will buy something and then find out that what you currently have already has what you needed. 207 | 208 | Rule 64 - User managed projects will always fail. 209 | Rule 64A - And they will blame you. 210 | 211 | Rule 65 - You will complain about something and then realize that you are the one that is guilty. 212 | 213 | Rule 66 - You will find yourself putting out fire after fire without any chance to document anything. 214 | Rule 66A - Then get blamed for not documenting everything. 215 | 216 | Rule 67 - Try using metaphors and analogies in addition to or instead of technical terms. 217 | 218 | Rule 68 - The higher rank an employee is, the more problems you will have with them. 219 | 220 | Rule 69 - Refer to *Rule 34*. 221 | 222 | Rule 70 - Anything that will show up as a link should be a link. 223 | 224 | Rule 71 - Never take actions that assume a system is a certain way. 225 | Rule 71A - Especially if not assuming makes little or no difference to the troubleshooting process. 226 | Rule 71B - And never if the incorrect assumption will be recognizable to the user. 227 | 228 | Rule 72 - Always give users the least amount of access/permissions that you can realistically get away with. 229 | 230 | Rule 73 - It's always Dave or Steve or Kevin. Unless it's a Karen. 231 | 232 | Rule 74 - Try to phrase things in a way that helps users save face. 233 | 234 | Rule 75 - Maintenance, and sometimes coworkers or users, will unplug things and plug them back in wrong or not at all. 235 | Rule 75A - If anything goes wrong they won't tell anyone. You will get to handle the "website down!" or "the internet stopped working!" tickets. 236 | 237 | Rule 76 - Only have the minimal required equipment needed for users. 238 | 239 | Rule 77 - Your company will be in a very old very shoddy building. 240 | 241 | Rule 78 - If someone is acting odd, it might be a social engineering attack. Verify everything. 242 | Rule 78A - VIPs within the company that actually do have the power to have you fired at whim will be the most angered by attempts to verify and will be the hardest to verify. 243 | Rule 78B - Social engineering attackers know Rule 78A. 244 | 245 | Rule 79 - Users think they can connect to anywhere from anywhere. 246 | 247 | Rule 80 - If this port is taken, port 443 will be as well. 248 | 249 | Rule 81 - Most of your job is figuring out what users are talking about. 250 | 251 | Rule 81N6 - The GoogleBing awaits. 252 | 253 | Rule 82 - Temporary solutions aren't. 254 | 255 | Rule 83 - Every company has a Production environment and a Testing environment. If you're lucky, they are separate environments. 256 | 257 | Rule 84 - Users already have a certificate of proficiency in computering. 258 | 259 | Rule 85 - Always let someone know that you are there to fix a problem. 260 | 261 | Rule 86 - You might encounter a user who is nice, doesn't need everything explained, takes you seriously, reads you complete error messages, and does what you tell them to do with no drama. *neigh* Seriously, they do exist. 262 | 263 | Rule 87 - Users who always demand the latest hardware never work in a position that requires the latest hardware. 264 | 265 | Rule 88 - Sometimes you need a user to fix your problem. 266 | Rule 88A - Only a user will find the real problem. 267 | 268 | Rule 89 - You will be expected to be your own tech support. 269 | 270 | Rule 90 - You will have to support software older than you are. 271 | 272 | Rule 91 - The OSI model has layer 8 (user) and layer 9 (management). 273 | 274 | Rule 92 - It's always a bad sign if someone is happy to see you. 275 | 276 | Rule 93 - "Only one thing" never is. 277 | 278 | Rule 94 - Hypothetical questions aren't. 279 | 280 | Rule 95 - Every mail from the helpdesk or system administration will be too much to handle if it is longer than two lines. 281 | 282 | Rule 96 - Business will demand more experience for their job postings than exists. 283 | 284 | Rule 97 - Always keep copies of drivers you download. 285 | 286 | Rule 98 - Don't ask users if something is on the screen. Have them read the screen. 287 | 288 | Rule 99 - A fix will only work until you fall asleep. 289 | 290 | Rule 100 - A theme, especially a system theme, will make it difficult to read anything. 291 | 292 | Rule 101 - Urgent isn't. 293 | 294 | Rule 102 - Someday you will forget to use the mute button. Double mute. 295 | 296 | 297 | Rule 404 - You will never find it. See https://www.explainxkcd.com/404 298 | Rule 404A - If a page is not found, then the entire site|Internet is down. 299 | Rule 404B - Online manuals will disappear without warning. Download a copy for yourself. 300 | 301 | 302 | 303 | Rule 600613 - Used to go to websites instead of going directly. 304 | 305 | Rule Ferengi - Users want their problem fixed quickly. Bribes will ensure they will be. 306 | 307 | 308 | ----- 309 | Links 310 | 311 | 312 | Link L1 - http://schlockmercenary.wikia.com/wiki/The_Seventy_Maxims_of_Maximally_Effective_Mercenaries 313 | 314 | Link L2 - http://scpsandbox2.wikidot.com/doomscrye 315 | 316 | Link L3 - http://reddit.com/r/talesfromtechsupport/comments/7idbjn/a_little_googling_helps_soothe_the_heart/dqzi82m 317 | 318 | Link L4 - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dunning%E2%80%93Kruger_effect 319 | -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- /Rules of Tech Support - users will.txt: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1 | Also at https://github.com/morriscox/Rules-of-Tech-Support/blob/master/Rules%20of%20Tech%20Support%20-%20users%20will.md 2 | 3 | The other sections of the Rules of Tech Support are available at https://https://github.com/morriscox/Rules-of-Tech-Support 4 | 5 | Credits are listed there. The requirements for being listed here is that the main Rule must have "Users will" in it. 6 | 7 | ***** 8 | 9 | Users Will... 10 | 11 | ***** 12 | 13 | Rule W1 - Users will never follow instructions. 14 | Rule W1A - If they do try to follow instructions, they will blame you if they screw up. 15 | 16 | Rule W2 - No matter how much skill and knowledge and experience you have, users will claim they know more than you. 17 | Rule W2A - No matter how much skill and knowledge and experience you have, users will claim others know more than you. 18 | 19 | Rule W3 - Users will always try to talk with your manager. 20 | 21 | Rule W4 - Users will delete or remove things they shouldn't, since they figure they don't need what they are removing or because it might "fix things". 22 | 23 | Rule W5 - Users will believe one single thing is responsible for the current situation. 24 | Rule W5A - Often they think you are that one single thing. 25 | Rule W5A.1 - More often they are that one single thing. 26 | Rule W5B - Telling them otherwise will only anger them. 27 | Rule W5C - Unless asked, they have no reason for doing something. If asked, it is computering or wizardry. 28 | 29 | Rule W6 - Users will try to make and use their own solutions and not accept blame when they don't work. 30 | Rule W6A - If the solution happens to work, the user will think they are now qualified for future issues. 31 | 32 | Rule W7 - Users will plug cords into places they shouldn't. 33 | 34 | Rule W8 - Users will forget their password (and often their username), even if it's their own name and written down next to them. 35 | 36 | Rule W9 - If a document fails to print, users will keep trying just to make sure it prints. See *Rule 30C*. 37 | Rule W9A - The true importance of the documents they are trying to print will be inversely proportional to the fit they are throwing. See *Rule 30C*. 38 | 39 | Rule W10 - Users will store important documents where they shouldn't. The Recycle Bin, the Trash folder, the Deleted Items folders... 40 | Rule W10A - You will be blamed when things get deleted. 41 | 42 | Rule W11 - Users will always call things by the wrong word(s). 43 | Rule W11A - Users will often have one phrase for everything, like "The Internet is down". 44 | Rule W11B - People who think *any* piece of hardware is actually the computer, even a power strip. 45 | 46 | Rule W12 - Users will refuse to take any training since they consider it to be a waste of time. 47 | 48 | Rule W13 - Users will claim that they are not stupid even after ample evidence. 49 | Rule W13A - A user's self-perceived intelligence is directly proportional to the level of condescension to which they treat you. 50 | Rule W13B - The lack of knowledge a user has on a subject is proportional to the amount they claim to know about a subject. 51 | 52 | Rule W14 - Users will be certain that the laws of physics and the (current) limits of technology do not apply. 53 | Rule W14A - Users will believe that anything in a movie that involves technology is real. 54 | 55 | Rule W15 - Users will never think to use a search engine for answers to their questions. 56 | Rule W15A - When users do search, they will try to use GoogleBing. 57 | 58 | Rule W16 - Users will use cheap equipment like surge protectors to protect their expensive equipment. 59 | Rule W16A - Users will use cheap chargers for expensive items like smartphones. 60 | 61 | Rule W17 - Users will refuse to accept that anything involving computers isn't too difficult for them. 62 | Rule W17A - Or give up at the slightest obstacle. 63 | Rule W17B - Users will refuse to accept that anything involving computers is too difficult for you. 64 | 65 | Rule W18 - Users will wait for days or weeks or months before seeking help. 66 | Rule W18A - Users will demand help at any hint of trouble. 67 | Rule W18B - The longer it takes to report it, the more urgent the user will claim that it is. 68 | Rule W18C - The time it takes to fix the issue is inversely proportional to the amount of time it took to report it. 69 | Rule W18D - The problem has retroactively been your responsibility for the months or years the user never told you about it, not just for the 10 minutes since they did. 70 | 71 | Rule W19 - Users will believe something that can only affect one device can affect others by their mere presence. 72 | 73 | Rule W20 - Users will expect all devices to know that it is them. 74 | Rule W20A - Users will believe anything that can connect to anything can completely control that thing. 75 | Rule W20B - Users will believe one entity (a server or the cloud) controls all things digital, as well as time and space. 76 | 77 | Rule W21 - Users will believe their desire for something to happen is sufficient for it to happen. 78 | Rule W21A — Users believe there is a super secret DWIM (Do What I Mean) mode that all support people have access to but rudely refuse to use to resolve the user's issue. 79 | 80 | Rule W22 - If you fix something quickly, the user will not want to pay. 81 | 82 | Rule W23 - Users will order stuff they have no clue about. 83 | Rule W23A - They will plug it into your network. 84 | Rule W23B - And demand you support it. 85 | Rule W23C - While the DHCP server, and the rest of the network, crashes. 86 | Rule W23D - This will be your fault. 87 | 88 | Rule W24 - Users will expect you to teach them stuff they should have learned in school. 89 | Rule W24A - That users should have learned in primary school. 90 | Rule W24B - Users will think that a single course is sufficient. 91 | 92 | Rule W25 - Users will try to do things like type in uppercase numbers. 93 | 94 | Rule W26 - Users will be unable to find the correct button or menu. Or correct anything. 95 | Rule W26A - They might not even be on the correct screen, page, website, or operating system. 96 | 97 | Rule W27 - Users will click on things that say "Click Here!" or "Download Now" just because they think they are supposed to. 98 | Rule W27A - Unless that "Click Here!" or "Download Now" button is the one they are actually supposed to click on. 99 | 100 | Rule W28 - Users will try to use their computer while you are working on it, especially if you are not present. 101 | Rule W28A - Users will get mad that you have to kick them off the computer to fix the problem. 102 | Rule W28B - No matter how important it was that you had to do so. 103 | Rule W28C - Any attempt to justify your actions will just get you in more trouble. 104 | 105 | Rule W29 - Users will claim something can't be done, even if you are doing it. 106 | Rule W29A - Users will claim that something impossible worked before. 107 | Rule W29B - Despite all evidence to the contrary, users will insist that things having worked yesterday means they must also be working today. 108 | Rule W29C - In fact, it always worked that way before, even if doing so would have been physically impossible. 109 | 110 | Rule W30 - Users will go out of their way not to read or learn something. 111 | 112 | Rule W31 - Users expect to be rewarded for their mistakes. 113 | 114 | Rule W32 - Users will hand expensive items to kids, even if it's work property. 115 | Rule W32A - And leave the kid(s) alone with said expensive items. 116 | Rule W32B - And not fix anything that might happen. See *Rule W18*. 117 | 118 | Rule W33 - Users will claim to have credentials that they don't. 119 | 120 | Rule W34 - Users will use jargon in an attempt to make it seem that they know what they are talking about. 121 | Rule W34A - Users will make up their own jargon and expect you to understand it as though it was standard jargon everyone knows. 122 | 123 | Rule W35 - Users will insist on not using products that are better than what they are currently using. 124 | 125 | Rule W36 - Users will call you from anywhere, even in a speeding car about to go into a canyon. 126 | Rule W36A - Users will call from anywhere except in front of the equipment with the issue. 127 | 128 | Rule W37 - Users will see no link between something they did and something breaking. 129 | 130 | Rule W38 - Once you've touched something, whether you fixed it or not, users will blame you for all further issues. 131 | Rule W38A - And expect you to provide free support for all further issues. 132 | Rule W38B — Acknowledging the existence of a piece of equipment is equivalent to touching it and accepting responsibility for its 100% uptime, including coffee makers and Tamagotchis. 133 | 134 | Rule W39 - Users will confuse a company with the products that they make. 135 | Rule W39A - Users will confuse a company with products that it doesn't make. 136 | 137 | Rule W40 - Users will expect you to know everything about their computer at home even if you only deal with large corporate systems. 138 | 139 | Rule W41 - Users will give permission for something and then get mad when you make use of it. 140 | 141 | Rule W42 - Users will have liquids near their equipment. 142 | 143 | Rule W43 - Users will repeatedly need help with the same task. 144 | 145 | Rule W44 - Users will store stuff in places other than you ask them to, if they can. 146 | 147 | Rule W45 - Users will either ask for help at every step what they should do. 148 | Rule W45A - Or do things they shouldn't do without asking. 149 | 150 | Rule W46 - Users wanting support for a phone will use that same phone to call you. 151 | 152 | Rule W47 - Corporate users will expect you, instead of their boss or training department, to train them on how to do their job. 153 | 154 | Rule W48 - Users will want you to do their job for them. 155 | Rule W48A - And insist that it is, in fact, YOUR job, not theirs. 156 | 157 | Rule W49 - Users will complain about your security measures but will claim that you should have done a better job when things go wrong. 158 | 159 | Rule W50 - Users will give the wrong name of a product, even with the name right in front of them. 160 | 161 | Rule W51 - Users will confuse you with other/previous techs. 162 | 163 | Rule W52 - Users will refuse to do anything that improves things for them yet go out of their way to make things difficult. 164 | 165 | Rule W53 - Users will be confused about how case-sensitive works. 166 | 167 | Rule W54 - Users will assume that websites have www as a subdomain unless they are supposed to actually use www. 168 | 169 | Rule W55 - Users will not know the phonetic alphabet, and will suggest the worst possible words. They will also refuse to use the ones you've previously used in the current conversation. 170 | 171 | Rule W56 - Users will believe every hoax. 172 | 173 | Rule W57 - Users will turn things off and NOT back on again. 174 | 175 | Rule W58 - Users will be certain that IT has infinite faster/shinier/better gear that they are keeping for themselves. 176 | Rule W58A - The more they want that gear the less they need it. 177 | 178 | Rule W59 - Users will believe that it's safe to connect anything to the Internet. 179 | 180 | Rule W60 - Users will complain that their equipment is too old, even if freshly acquired. 181 | 182 | Rule W61 - Users will be a lot more cautious if they have to pay upfront. Make sure they pay upfront for as much as you can. 183 | 184 | Rule W62 - Users will never read the manual. 185 | Rule W62A - Only those who know what RTFM means will do it. 186 | Rule W62B - It doesn't matter how accessible you make the documentation, they won't consult it. 187 | 188 | Rule W63 - Users will misuse equipment and in very creative ways. 189 | 190 | Rule W64 - Users will expect everything to work without power. 191 | Rule W64A - Users will not realize that they need power. 192 | Rule W64B - Users will think that the Internet/network powers their devices. 193 | 194 | Rule W65 - People will ask you for help with anything that uses electricity. 195 | Rule W65A - Or anything that doesn't. 196 | 197 | Rule W66 - Users will complain about the cost of free software. 198 | 199 | Rule W67 - Users will have a certificate of proficiency in computering. 200 | 201 | Rule W68 - Users will do things other than what they have been asked to do. 202 | 203 | Rule W69 - Users will think that if it works on their computer then it will work on yours. 204 | 205 | Rule W70 - Users will think that you can make hardware changes over the phone/Internet. 206 | Rule W70A - Users will believe that techo-kinesis exists. 207 | 208 | Rule W71 - Users will complain if they are inconvenienced, even if you go out of your way to help them. 209 | 210 | Rule W72 - Users will use search engines to find other search engines. 211 | 212 | Rule W73 - Users will create and rename a new document thinking that will retrieve the contents of the old document that they had deleted. 213 | 214 | Rule W74 - If there is more than one button, users will instantly click on the first button without reading. If there is only one button, they will stop and ask what to do. 215 | 216 | Rule W75 - Users will think that logging out is the same as rebooting. 217 | 218 | Rule W76 - Users will insist on being ignorant, or claim that they are. 219 | Rule W76A - Since they don't want to be held responsible for their actions. 220 | 221 | Rule W77 - Users will flirt with you to get you to do things for them. 222 | 223 | Rule W78 - Users will insist on you going outside the scope of your job and threaten to have you fired if you don't. 224 | 225 | Rule W79 - Users will unplug things or plug them in in the incorrect place. 226 | Rule W79A - Users will unplug the UPS so they can plug in their coffe maker or space heater. 227 | Rule W79B - Users will plug everything into a surge protector and ignore the UPS. 228 | Rule W79C - Users will plug heavy duty equipment into the UPS. 229 | 230 | Rule W80 - Users will turn off alarms or anything that makes alarm sounds. 231 | 232 | Rule W81 - Users will think that your software/setup is responsible for any issues they face. 233 | 234 | Rule W82 - Users will think that if one thing works then everything else will. 235 | 236 | Rule W83 - Users will ask you questions about things that you didn't even know existed. 237 | 238 | Rule W84 - Users will mash buttons until errors go away. 239 | 240 | Rule W85 - Users will not give you the entire error code or message. 241 | Rule W85A - And/Or ramble on about other things. 242 | 243 | Rule W86 - Users will refuse to troubleshoot, because it takes too much time. 244 | Rule W86A - Users will then complain about being unable to work for an even longer time. 245 | 246 | Rule W87 - Users will simply click "Yes" or "OK" to anything that pops up on their screen without bothering to read it or understand what they are clicking. 247 | Rule W87A - Or will close anything that pops up on their screen without bothering to read it or understand it. 248 | Rule W87B - Users will do this even when you are helping them in-person or remotely and needed to have read or seen what they just clicked. 249 | 250 | Rule W88 - Users will not even let you get to your desk or have lunch. 251 | Rule W88A - They will think you are late no matter how early you show up. 252 | 253 | Rule W89 - Users will turn off their computer while you are working on it. 254 | Rule W89A - Even if you tell them not to. 255 | 256 | Rule W90 - Uses will do everything to avoid submitting a support ticket. 257 | Rule W90A - They will spend more time writing a long detailed email to your boss than filling out a support ticket. 258 | Rule W90B - You will be summoned by your boss, who didn't read more than two lines, to explain that email. 259 | Rule W90C - This will be the first time that you will have been told about any problems. 260 | Rule W90D - If they do submit a ticket, it will be as vague as possible and will be missing critical information. 261 | Rule W90E - Attempts to obtain the information will be ignored, turning a five minute fix into something than can take long periods of time. 262 | Rule W90F - After noting multiple attempts at contact and closing the ticket, following procedure, the user will reopen the ticket or make a new ticket and complain that you didn’t contact them or fix their problem. 263 | Rule W90G - User will log a ticket minutes before going on vacation, claim it is for one week long, actually be on vacation for at least two weeks, and then ask why this wasn't fixed while they were gone. 264 | 265 | Rule W91 - Users will casually tell IT about a problem when the tech is working on something else. 266 | Rule W91A - This has been happening for a long time. 267 | Rule W91B - Multiple people have been having this problem yet no one has bothered to tell anyone. See *Rule W90C*. 268 | Rule W91C - They won't even bother telling you, just complain to each other within earshot. 269 | 270 | Rule W92 - Users will use you as a scapegoat. 271 | 272 | Rule W93 - Users will use screenshots to submit error codes but leave out critical information. 273 | 274 | Rule W94 - Users will unable to take screenshots in time if allowed to. 275 | 276 | Rule W95 - Users will submit tickets on Friday at 4:50PM and go home. 277 | Rule W95A - Users will duplicate the ticket on Monday at 9:10AM. 278 | Rule W95B - Users will think 76 hours have passed between these requests. 279 | Rule W95C - Techs will know that only 20 minutes has gone by between these requests. 280 | 281 | Rule W96 - Users will expect you to be reachable 24 hours a day, every day of the year. 282 | Rule W96A - Users will expect you to treat their forgotten password on a Saturday night as priority one. 283 | Rule W96B - Users will always call you directly, even when you are not on call. 284 | 285 | Rule W97 - Users will throw away important stuff because they think it's not important. 286 | -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- /Rules of Tech Support - main.md: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1 | 2 | # Rules of Tech Support 3 | 4 | #### Rule 1 - Users lie. 5 | 6 | **Rule 1A** - It may not be malicious or willful, but Rule 1 is always in effect. 7 | 8 | **Rule 1B** - Users assume you don't know they are lying. 9 | 10 | **Rule 1C** - Users continue to lie as a result. 11 | 12 | **Rule 1D** - When caught in a lie, users get angry. 13 | 14 | **Rule 1E** - Users lie even when they aren't users. 15 | 16 | **Rule 1F** - If they are not lying, then they are wrong. 17 | 18 | **Rule 1G**: Accept that you will eventually have to lie to get the user to do what you need them to do. 19 | 20 | #### Rule 2 - Explain everything as simply as possible. 21 | 22 | **Rule 2A** - There is no language simple enough to make a user understand anything. 23 | 24 | **Rule 2B** - Emojis are NEVER an answer. 25 | 26 | #### Rule 3 - User caused problems are caused by tech support. 27 | 28 | **Rule 3A** - As it's your fault, they don't want to be billed. 29 | 30 | **Rule 3B** - All issues are user issues. If there are no users, no issues get reported, no tickets get created. Ergo, it must be users who are responsible. 31 | 32 | #### Rule 4 - If it doesn't work, it is your fault. 33 | 34 | **Rule 4A** - If it does, you had nothing to do with it. 35 | 36 | #### Rule 5 - If you take the time to visit the user's desk, the problem will magically have fixed itself. 37 | 38 | **Rule 5A** - Or the solution is bound to be really simple. 39 | 40 | **Rule 5B** - Or the user left the office moments after entering the ticket, and won't be back for days. How long is uncertain as these users never use their calendar. 41 | 42 | **Rule 5C** - Or when they do, they won't have shared it with you or they entered an all-day event as taking an hour. 43 | 44 | **Rule 5D** - The problem will be solved by doing something you already asked them to but they said it didn't work. - /u/Responsible-Slide-95 45 | 46 | #### Rule 6 - All users consider their situation to be more important than others, even if they know you are helping someone else. 47 | 48 | **Rule 6A** - All users want VIP treatment. 49 | 50 | **Rule 6B** - But they don't ever want to pay for VIP treatment. 51 | 52 | #### Rule 7 - It doesn't matter how much time the user claims something will take. See *Rule 1*. 53 | 54 | #### Rule 8 - Users never read error messages, if they read anything at all. 55 | 56 | **Rule 8A** - If a user reads an alert or error message, they don't know what to do even if they can only do one thing. 57 | 58 | **Rule 8B** - The more advanced degree a user has, the less likely they are to read anything. 59 | 60 | **Rule 8C** - They will give the wrong error message. 61 | 62 | **Rule 8D** - If a user receives an error, when asked what it says, the user will reply: "I don't know, just an error. I closed it." 63 | 64 | **Rule 8E** - "Isn't it YOUR JOB to know that?" 65 | 66 | **Rule 8F** - Users will not read you the entire error code or message or will read everything else. 67 | 68 | **Rule 8G** - If the user reads you the error message in its entirety, it will be irrelevant to the issue. 69 | 70 | 71 | #### Rule 9 - Expect any and all jargon and technical terms (such as wireless) to be misunderstood. 72 | 73 | **Rule 9A** - Expect everything to be misinterpreted. 74 | 75 | **Rule 9B** - All jargon is the same to users. 76 | 77 | **Rule 9C** - All jargon will be used incorrectly. 78 | 79 | #### Rule 10 - About half of tech support is solving issues that are only partially related to what is supposed to be fixed. 80 | 81 | #### Rule 11 - No system is idiot-proof enough to best all users. 82 | 83 | **Rule 11A** - If you haven't found a user able to best your system, it's because they haven't found you yet. 84 | 85 | **Rule 11B** - Nature will take as a challenge any attempt to create an idiot-proof system. 86 | 87 | #### Rule 12 - There is nothing so stupid that no one will do. 88 | 89 | **Rule 12A** - Stupid questions do exist. 90 | 91 | **Rule 12B** - There is no such thing as a stupid question, just stupid people. Asking a stupid question identifies a stupid user and therefore the question itself is not stupid. 92 | 93 | #### Rule 13 - Never believe a user who claims that there is nothing that needs to be saved. See *Rule W10* and *Rule W10A*. 94 | 95 | #### Rule 14 - Sometimes you need to trick users in order to get the job done. 96 | 97 | **Rule 14A** - Sometimes you have to make people, not just users, terrified to get them to do what they are supposed to. 98 | 99 | #### Rule 15 - Users care more about things working than in how you pulled it off. 100 | 101 | #### Rule 16 - A user's appreciation for your work is inversely proportional to how difficult it was. 102 | 103 | #### Rule 17 - If you have an accent, then you will be perceived to be in a foreign country. 104 | 105 | #### Rule 18 - Never trust a user. 106 | 107 | **Rule 18A** - Everyone is a user. Even you. 108 | 109 | #### Rule 19 - The most intelligent person you know will be defeated by a mere computer. 110 | 111 | **Rule 19A** - Even if it's you. 112 | 113 | #### Rule 20 - The quickest way to find out who is responsible for something is to do the scream test. Remove that something and see who complains. 114 | 115 | **Rule 20A** - If nobody screamed instantly, users may wait until it has been long enough that the thing has been thrown away and can't be recovered any more. Then you will learn that said thing was critical for some task that absolutely has to be done right now, just like every X years. 116 | 117 | #### Rule 21 - Never underestimate the power of the end user to complicate things. 118 | 119 | #### Rule 22 - If it looks different, then it's broken. 120 | 121 | #### Rule 23 - Never give a user options. 122 | 123 | #### Rule 24 - When you receive a ticket and call the user immediately they definitely won't be at their desk. 124 | 125 | **Rule 24A** - If you email them they will already be on vacation. 126 | 127 | **Rule 24B** - The less time that they're in the office, the more urgent their issue is. 128 | 129 | #### Rule 25 - Watch out for Finagle's Law which states that 'Anything that can go wrong, will — at the worst possible moment.' 130 | 131 | #### Rule 26 - Always have a small list of phrases to get users to do what you are trying to get them to do. 132 | 133 | **Rule 26A** - Only share these with other techs. 134 | 135 | #### Rule 27 - Don't let people know you are a tech. They are likely to ask for free tech support. 136 | 137 | **Rule 27A** - Never, EVER, give out personal contact information. 138 | 139 | #### Rule 28 - Sometimes, you will be the one who is wrong. 140 | 141 | #### Rule 29 - Expect equipment to be placed in bad locations. 142 | 143 | #### Rule 30 - It's always the printer|DNS|server|browser|connection. It's never the printer|DNS|server|browser|connection. 144 | 145 | **Rule 30A** - It's always the printer. Printers are evil. 146 | 147 | **Rule 30B** - Printers are evil because of users. 148 | 149 | **Rule 30C** - If a document fails to print, users will keep trying just to make sure it prints. 150 | 151 | **Rule 30D** - The true importance of the documents they are trying to print will be inversely proportional to the fit they are throwing. 152 | 153 | **Rule 30E** - Users will mash buttons and go through random menus and do random actions until errors go away or the printer is messed up. See also *Rule W84*. 154 | 155 | **Rule 30F** - Did you check DNS? Check again. 156 | 157 | #### Rule 31 - All user provided information must be verified. 158 | 159 | #### Rule 32 - If you are a female tech, users will ask to speak to a man. 160 | 161 | **Rule 32A** - You will be the only one who can actually help the user even though they will not believe a girl really knows anything. 162 | 163 | **Rule 32B** - You actually know twice as much as the male techs but get only half the respect. 164 | 165 | **Rule 32C** - Guys will pay more attention to your looks/voice than your mind. 166 | 167 | **Rule 32D** - You'll get tons of calls from men (especially if you are attractive) who will even disconnect stuff to get you to go to them. 168 | 169 | **Rule 32DD** - Women will cause IT problems to keep you away from men. 170 | 171 | #### Rule 33 - Just because it worked yesterday does not mean that it will today. 172 | 173 | **Rule 33A** - Just because it didn't work yesterday does not mean that it won't today. 174 | 175 | **Rule 33B** - Things only work when you are paying attention to them. 176 | 177 | #### Rule 34 - Never refer to this Rule by its name. 178 | 179 | #### Rule 35 - Updates will be both solutions and banes, usually at the same time. 180 | 181 | #### Rule 36 - Sometimes, you have to nuke everything. 182 | 183 | #### Rule 37 - Focus on getting things working, then on getting them done right. 184 | 185 | **Rule 37A** - By hook or by crook. 186 | 187 | **Rule 37B** - When things are working right, leave them alone. 188 | 189 | **Rule 37C** - If something starts working, even if you KNOW what you just did shouldn't have fixed it, raise your hands in the air unthreatening-like and slowly back out of the room. 190 | 191 | **Rule 37D** - You only think it's working. The real cause will wait a while and then break everything in a spectacular fashion a few months down the line. Luckily, by then it's usually no longer your problem. 192 | 193 | **Rule 37E** - It will still be your problem. 194 | 195 | #### Rule 38 - There's always a relevant xkcd. 196 | 197 | **Rule 38A** - If you can't find a relevant xkcd, it's because you haven't looked hard enough. 198 | 199 | **Rule 38B** - If there is no relevant xkcd, there is always a relevant Dilbert strip. 200 | 201 | **Rule 38C** - If there is no relevant xkcd or Dilbert strip, there's a relevant entry in The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries. [*Link L1*](http://schlockmercenary.wikia.com/wiki/The_Seventy_Maxims_of_Maximally_Effective_Mercenaries) 202 | 203 | **Rule 38D** - If you can't find a relevant xkcd, Dilbert, or Maxim, your problem does not exist. 204 | 205 | #### Rule 39 - You and your work will never be appreciated since if you did your job right, none of these problems would have happened. 206 | 207 | #### Rule 40 - All IT urban legends are true. 208 | 209 | #### Rule 41 - If it takes TFTS to turn you paranoid, you likely haven't been in tech support for very long. 210 | 211 | **Rule 41A** - You aren't paranoid. They really are out to get you. 212 | 213 | #### Rule 42 - You already know the answer. 214 | 215 | #### Rule 43 - Every tech is also a user. 216 | 217 | #### Rule 44 - Never make changes before going on vacation. 218 | 219 | #### Rule 45 - The more you specialize, the less you will remember about basic desktop functions. 220 | 221 | #### Rule 46 - No technical person reads all of the rules. They will act like they know them until the place catches fire, then complain about incomplete documentation. 222 | 223 | **Rule 46A** - Especially if it was the documentation that went up in flames first. 224 | 225 | #### Rule 47 - Don't help anyone who is not paying you in some way as they won't take your advice seriously. 226 | 227 | #### Rule 48 - Vendors will tell you that you need to upgrade to the newest version in order to fix things. If you are on the latest version, they will tell you to wait till the next version. 228 | 229 | **Rule 48A** - If the problem remains reproducible on the latest version, they may tell you to downgrade. Even if you just upgraded per *Rule 48*. 230 | 231 | **Rule 48B** - It's not a bug, it's an undocumented feature. 232 | 233 | #### Rule 49 - Never assume anyone else is smarter than you. 234 | 235 | **Rule 49A** - Never assume you are smarter than anyone else. 236 | 237 | **Rule 49B** - A user's intelligence will always be precisely what is needed for maximum damage. 238 | 239 | #### Rule 50 - Scheduled updates won't. 240 | 241 | **Rule 50A** - Anything scheduled will break things, especially if you are not available. 242 | 243 | #### Rule 51 - Drivers will drive you bonkers, if you can even find them. Even if you can find them they may not be compatible. 244 | 245 | **Rule 51A** - Drivers are the real threat, not hardware. 246 | 247 | **Rule 51B** - Drivers using hardware [heavy machinery] are also a real threat. Backhoes/diggers have a magnetic attraction to fiber optics and the drivers have an innate ability to find optical fiber. [*Link L2*](http://scpsandbox2.wikidot.com/doomscrye). 248 | 249 | #### Rule 52 - No is the answer for every request as long as it's plausible. 250 | 251 | #### Rule 53 - Treat your job like a role playing game. [*Link L3*](http://reddit.com/r/talesfromtechsupport/comments/7idbjn/a_little_googling_helps_soothe_the_heart/dqzi82m). 252 | 253 | #### Rule 54 - Don't run stuff that you are not supposed to unless *Rule 37* and *Rule 37A* apply. 254 | 255 | #### Rule 55 - The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries are always applicable. [*Link L1*](http://schlockmercenary.wikia.com/wiki/The_Seventy_Maxims_of_Maximally_Effective_Mercenaries) 256 | 257 | **Rule 55A** - Sometimes the applicability of the Maxims is not immediately obvious. 258 | 259 | #### Rule 56 - Get to know the Dunning-Kruger effect. [*Link L4*](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dunning%E2%80%93Kruger_effect). 260 | 261 | #### Rule 57 - You might want to consider starting the day with coffee or tea and ending with whiskey or scotch or bourbon or beer... 262 | 263 | #### Rule 58 - Vendors might not follow standards. 264 | 265 | #### Rule 59 - You might find people who support you. Reciprocate. 266 | 267 | #### Rule 60 - When a user activates the Swedish Fish rule, they get preferential treatment. 268 | 269 | #### Rule 61 - Like the military says, never volunteer. 270 | 271 | #### Rule 62 - Some bugs are Heisenbugs; they can only occur if they are not being observed. Users do not count as observers. 272 | 273 | #### Rule 63 - Something will be needed right after you get rid of it. 274 | 275 | **Rule 63A** - Once you replace it, you will no longer need it. 276 | 277 | **Rule 63B** - You will buy something and then find out that what you currently have already has what you needed. 278 | 279 | #### Rule 64 - User managed projects will always fail. 280 | 281 | **Rule 64A** - And they will blame you. 282 | 283 | #### Rule 65 - You will complain about something and then realize that you are the one that is guilty. 284 | 285 | #### Rule 66 - You will find yourself putting out fire after fire without any chance to document anything. 286 | 287 | **Rule 66A** - Then get blamed for not documenting everything. 288 | 289 | #### Rule 67 - Try using metaphors and analogies in addition to or instead of technical terms. 290 | 291 | #### Rule 68 - The higher rank an employee is, the more problems you will have with them. 292 | 293 | #### Rule 69 - Refer to *Rule 34*. 294 | 295 | #### Rule 70 - Anything that will show up as a link should be a link. 296 | 297 | #### Rule 71 - Never take actions that assume a system is a certain way. 298 | 299 | **Rule 71A** - Especially if not assuming makes little or no difference to the troubleshooting process. 300 | 301 | **Rule 71B** - And never if the incorrect assumption will be recognizable to the user. 302 | 303 | #### Rule 72 - Always give users the least amount of access/permissions that you can realistically get away with. 304 | 305 | #### Rule 73 - It's always Dave or Steve or Kevin. Unless it's a Karen. 306 | 307 | #### Rule 74 - Try to phrase things in a way that helps users save face. 308 | 309 | #### Rule 75 - Maintenance, and sometimes coworkers or users, will unplug things and plug them back in wrong or not at all. 310 | 311 | **Rule 75A** - If anything goes wrong they won't tell anyone. You will get to handle the "website down!" or "the internet stopped working!" tickets. 312 | 313 | #### Rule 76 - Only have the minimal required equipment needed for users. 314 | 315 | #### Rule 77 - Your company will be in a very old very shoddy building. 316 | 317 | #### Rule 78 - If someone is acting odd, it might be a social engineering attack. Verify everything. 318 | 319 | **Rule 78A** - VIPs within the company that actually do have the power to have you fired at whim will be the most angered by attempts to verify and will be the hardest to verify. 320 | 321 | **Rule 78B** - Social engineering attackers know Rule 78A. 322 | 323 | #### Rule 79 - Users think they can connect to anywhere from anywhere. 324 | 325 | #### Rule 80 - If this port is taken, port 443 will be as well. 326 | 327 | #### Rule 81 - Most of your job is figuring out what users are talking about. 328 | 329 | #### Rule 81N6 - The GoogleBing awaits. 330 | 331 | #### Rule 82 - Temporary solutions aren't. 332 | 333 | #### Rule 83 - Every company has a Production environment and a Testing environment. If you're lucky, they are separate environments. 334 | 335 | #### Rule 84 - Users already have a certificate of proficiency in computering. 336 | 337 | #### Rule 85 - Always let someone know that you are there to fix a problem. 338 | 339 | #### Rule 86 - You might encounter a user who is nice, doesn't need everything explained, takes you seriously, reads you complete error messages, and does what you tell them to do with no drama. *neigh* Seriously, they do exist. 340 | 341 | #### Rule 87 - Users who always demand the latest hardware never work in a position that requires the latest hardware. 342 | 343 | #### Rule 88 - Sometimes you need a user to fix your problem. 344 | 345 | **Rule 88A** - Only a user will find the real problem. 346 | 347 | #### Rule 89 - You will be expected to be your own tech support. 348 | 349 | #### Rule 90 - You will have to support software older than you are. 350 | 351 | #### Rule 91 - The OSI model has layer 8 (user) and layer 9 (management). 352 | 353 | #### Rule 92 - It's always a bad sign if someone is happy to see you. 354 | 355 | #### Rule 93 - "Only one thing" never is. 356 | 357 | #### Rule 94 - Hypothetical questions aren't. 358 | 359 | #### Rule 95 - Every mail from the helpdesk or system administration will be too much to handle if it is longer than two lines. 360 | 361 | #### Rule 96 - Business will demand more experience for their job postings than exists. 362 | 363 | #### Rule 97 - Always keep copies of drivers you download. 364 | 365 | #### Rule 98 - Don't ask users if something is on the screen. Have them read the screen. 366 | 367 | #### Rule 99 - A fix will only work until you fall asleep. 368 | 369 | #### Rule 100 - A theme, especially a system theme, will make it difficult to read anything. 370 | 371 | #### Rule 101 - Urgent isn't. 372 | 373 | #### Rule 102 - Someday you will forget to use the mute button. Double mute. 374 | 375 | 376 | #### Rule 404 - You will never find it. See https://www.explainxkcd.com/404 377 | 378 | **Rule 404A** - If a page is not found, then the entire site|Internet is down. 379 | 380 | **Rule 404B** - Online manuals will disappear without warning. Download a copy for yourself. 381 | 382 | #### Rule 600613 - Used to go to websites instead of going directly. 383 | 384 | #### Rule Ferengi - Users want their problem fixed quickly. Bribes will ensure they will be. 385 | -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- /Rules of Tech Support - users will.md: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1 | Also at https://github.com/morriscox/Rules-of-Tech-Support/blob/master/Rules%20of%20Tech%20Support%20-%20users%20will.md 2 | 3 | The other sections of the Rules of Tech Support are available at https://https://github.com/morriscox/Rules-of-Tech-Support 4 | 5 | Credits are listed there. The requirements for being listed here is that the main Rule must have "Users will" in it. 6 | 7 | 8 | #Users Will... 9 | 10 | ***** 11 | #### Rule W1 - Users will never follow instructions. 12 | 13 | **Rule W1A** - If they do try to follow instructions, they will blame you if they screw up. 14 | 15 | **Rule W2** - No matter how much skill and knowledge and experience you have, users will claim they know more than you. 16 | 17 | **Rule W2A** - No matter how much skill and knowledge and experience you have, users will claim others know more than you. 18 | 19 | #### Rule W3 - Users will always try to talk with your manager. 20 | 21 | #### Rule W4 - Users will delete or remove things they shouldn't, since they figure they don't need what they are removing or because it might "fix things". 22 | 23 | #### Rule W5 - Users will believe one single thing is responsible for the current situation. 24 | 25 | **Rule W5A** - Often they think you are that one single thing. 26 | 27 | **Rule W5A.1** - More often they are that one single thing. 28 | 29 | **Rule W5B** - Telling them otherwise will only anger them. 30 | 31 | **Rule W5C** - Unless asked, they have no reason for doing something. If asked, it is computering or wizardry. 32 | 33 | #### Rule W6 - Users will try to make and use their own solutions and not accept blame when they don't work. 34 | 35 | **Rule W6A** - If the solution happens to work, the user will think they are now qualified for future issues. 36 | 37 | #### Rule W7 - Users will plug cords into places they shouldn't. 38 | 39 | #### Rule W8 - Users will forget their password (and often their username), even if it's their own name and written down next to them. 40 | 41 | #### Rule W9 - If a document fails to print, users will keep trying just to make sure it prints. See *Rule 30C*. 42 | 43 | **Rule W9A** - The true importance of the documents they are trying to print will be inversely proportional to the fit they are throwing. See *Rule 30C*. 44 | 45 | #### Rule W10 - Users will store important documents where they shouldn't. The Recycle Bin, the Trash folder, the Deleted Items folders... 46 | 47 | **Rule W10A** - You will be blamed when things get deleted. 48 | 49 | #### Rule W11 - Users will always call things by the wrong word(s). 50 | 51 | **Rule W11A** - Users will often have one phrase for everything, like "The Internet is down". 52 | 53 | **Rule W11B** - People will think *any* piece of hardware is actually the computer, even a power strip. 54 | 55 | #### Rule W12 - Users will refuse to take any training since they consider it to be a waste of time. 56 | 57 | #### Rule W13 - Users will claim that they are not stupid even after ample evidence. 58 | 59 | **Rule W13A** - A user's self-perceived intelligence is directly proportional to the level of condescension to which they treat you. 60 | 61 | **Rule W13B** - The lack of knowledge a user has on a subject is proportional to the amount they claim to know about a subject. 62 | 63 | #### Rule W14 - Users will be certain that the laws of physics and the (current) limits of technology do not apply. 64 | 65 | **Rule W14A** - Users will believe that anything in a movie that involves technology is real. 66 | 67 | #### Rule W15 - Users will never think to use a search engine for answers to their questions. 68 | 69 | **Rule W15A** - When users do search, they will try to use GoogleBing. 70 | 71 | #### Rule W16 - Users will use cheap equipment like surge protectors to protect their expensive equipment. 72 | 73 | **Rule W16A** - Users will use cheap chargers for expensive items like smartphones. 74 | 75 | #### Rule W17 - Users will refuse to accept that anything involving computers isn't too difficult for them. 76 | 77 | **Rule W17A** - Or give up at the slightest obstacle. 78 | 79 | **Rule W17B** - Users will refuse to accept that anything involving computers is too difficult for you. 80 | 81 | #### Rule W18 - Users will wait for days or weeks or months before seeking help. 82 | 83 | **Rule W18A** - Users will demand help at any hint of trouble. 84 | 85 | **Rule W18B** - The longer it takes to report it, the more urgent the user will claim that it is. 86 | 87 | **Rule W18C** - The time it takes to fix the issue is inversely proportional to the amount of time it took to report it. 88 | 89 | **Rule W18D** - The problem has retroactively been your responsibility for the months or years the user never told you about it, not just for the 10 minutes since they did. 90 | 91 | #### Rule W19 - Users will believe something that can only affect one device can affect others by their mere presence. 92 | 93 | #### Rule W20 - Users will expect all devices to know that it is them. 94 | 95 | **Rule W20A** - Users will believe anything that can connect to anything can completely control that thing. 96 | 97 | **Rule W20B** - Users will believe one entity (a server or the cloud) controls all things digital, as well as time and space. 98 | 99 | #### Rule W21 - Users will believe their desire for something to happen is sufficient for it to happen. 100 | 101 | **Rule W21A** — Users believe there is a super secret DWIM (Do what I Mean) mode that all support people have access to but rudely refuse to use to resolve the user's issue. 102 | 103 | #### Rule W22 - If you fix something quickly, the user will not want to pay. 104 | 105 | #### Rule W23 - Users will order stuff they have no clue about. 106 | 107 | **Rule W23A** - They will plug it into your network. 108 | 109 | **Rule W23B** - And demand you support it. 110 | 111 | **Rule W23C** - While the DHCP server, and the rest of the network, crashes. 112 | 113 | **Rule W23D** - This will be your fault. 114 | 115 | #### Rule W24 - Users will expect you to teach them stuff they should have learned in school. 116 | 117 | **Rule W24A** - That users should have learned in primary school. 118 | 119 | **Rule W24B** - Users will think that a single course is sufficient. 120 | 121 | #### Rule W25 - Users will try to do things like type in uppercase numbers. 122 | 123 | #### Rule W26 - Users will be unable to find the correct button or menu. Or correct anything. 124 | 125 | **Rule W26A**- They might not even be on the correct screen, page, website, or operating system. 126 | 127 | #### Rule W27 - Users will click on things that say "Click Here!" or "Download Now" just because they think they are supposed to. 128 | 129 | **Rule W27A**- Unless that "Click Here!" or "Download Now" button is the one they are actually supposed to click on. 130 | 131 | #### Rule W28 - Users will try to use their computer while you are working on it, especially if you are not present. 132 | 133 | **Rule W28A** - Users will get mad that you have to kick them off the computer to fix the problem. 134 | 135 | **Rule W28B** - No matter how important it was that you had to do so. 136 | 137 | **Rule W28C** - Any attempt to justify your actions will just get you in more trouble. 138 | 139 | #### Rule W29 - Users will claim something can't be done, even if you are doing it. 140 | 141 | **Rule W29A** - Users will claim that something impossible worked before. 142 | 143 | **Rule W29B** - Despite all evidence to the contrary, users will insist that things having worked yesterday means they must also be working today. 144 | 145 | **Rule W29C** - In fact, it always worked that way before, even if doing so would have been physically impossible. 146 | 147 | #### Rule W30 - Users will go out of their way not to read or learn something. 148 | 149 | #### Rule W31 - Users expect to be rewarded for their mistakes. 150 | 151 | #### Rule W32 - Users will hand expensive items to kids, even if it's work property. 152 | 153 | **Rule W32A** - And leave the kid(s) alone with said expensive items. 154 | 155 | **Rule W32B** - And not fix anything that might happen. See *Rule W18*. 156 | 157 | #### Rule W33 - Users will claim to have credentials that they don't. 158 | 159 | #### Rule W34 - Users will use jargon in an attempt to make it seem that they know what they are talking about. 160 | 161 | **Rule W34A** - Users will make up their own jargon and expect you to understand it as though it was standard jargon everyone knows. 162 | 163 | #### Rule W35 - Users will insist on not using products that are better than what they are currently using. 164 | 165 | #### Rule W36 - Users will call you from anywhere, even in a speeding car about to go into a canyon. 166 | 167 | **Rule W36A** - Users will call from anywhere except in front of the equipment with the issue. 168 | 169 | #### Rule W37 - Users will see no link between something they did and something breaking. 170 | 171 | #### Rule W38 - Once you've touched something, whether you fixed it or not, users will blame you for all further issues. 172 | 173 | **Rule W38A** - And expect you to provide free support for all further issues. 174 | 175 | **Rule W38B** — Acknowledging the existence of a piece of equipment is equivalent to touching it and accepting responsibility for its 100% uptime, including coffee makers and Tamagotchis. 176 | 177 | #### Rule W39 - Users will confuse a company with the products that they make. 178 | 179 | **Rule W39A** - Users will confuse a company with products that it doesn't make. 180 | 181 | #### Rule W40 - Users will expect you to know everything about their computer at home even if you only deal with large corporate systems. 182 | 183 | #### Rule W41 - Users will give permission for something and then get mad when you make use of it. 184 | 185 | #### Rule W42 - Users will have liquids near their equipment. 186 | 187 | #### Rule W43 - Users will repeatedly need help with the same task. 188 | 189 | #### Rule W44 - Users will store stuff in places other than you ask them to, if they can. 190 | 191 | #### Rule W45 - Users will either ask for help at every step what they should do. 192 | 193 | **Rule W45A** - Or do things they shouldn't do without asking. 194 | 195 | #### Rule W46 - Users wanting support for a phone will use that same phone to call you. 196 | 197 | #### Rule W47 - Corporate users will expect you, instead of their boss or training department, to train them on how to do their job. 198 | 199 | #### Rule W48 - Users will want you to do their job for them. 200 | 201 | **Rule W48A** - And insist that it is, in fact, YOUR job, not theirs. 202 | 203 | #### Rule W49 - Users will complain about your security measures but will claim that you should have done a better job when things go wrong. 204 | 205 | #### Rule W50 - Users will give the wrong name of a product, even with the name right in front of them. 206 | 207 | #### Rule W51 - Users will confuse you with other/previous techs. 208 | 209 | #### Rule W52 - Users will refuse to do anything that improves things for them yet go out of their way to make things difficult. 210 | 211 | #### Rule W53 - Users will be confused about how case-sensitive works. 212 | 213 | #### Rule W54 - Users will assume that websites have www as a subdomain unless they are supposed to actually use www. 214 | 215 | #### Rule W55 - Users will not know the phonetic alphabet, and will suggest the worst possible words. They will also refuse to use the ones you've previously used in the current conversation. 216 | 217 | #### Rule W56 - Users will believe every hoax. 218 | 219 | #### Rule W57 - Users will turn things off and NOT back on again. 220 | 221 | #### Rule W58 - Users will be certain that IT has infinite faster/shinier/better gear that they are keeping for themselves. 222 | 223 | **Rule W58A** - The more they want that gear the less they need it. 224 | 225 | #### Rule W59 - Users will believe that it's safe to connect anything to the Internet. 226 | 227 | #### Rule W60 - Users will complain that their equipment is too old, even if freshly acquired. 228 | 229 | #### Rule W61 - Users will be a lot more cautious if they have to pay upfront. Make sure they pay upfront for as much as you can. 230 | 231 | #### Rule W62 - Users will never read the manual. 232 | 233 | **Rule W62A** - Only those who know what RTFM means will do it. 234 | 235 | **Rule W62B** - It doesn't matter how accessible you make the documentation, they won't consult it. 236 | 237 | #### Rule W63 - Users will misuse equipment and in very creative ways. 238 | 239 | #### Rule W64 - Users will expect everything to work without power. 240 | 241 | **Rule W64A** - Users will not realize that they need power. 242 | 243 | **Rule W64B** - Users will think that the Internet/network powers their devices. 244 | 245 | #### Rule W65 - People will ask you for help with anything that uses electricity. 246 | 247 | **Rule W65A** - Or anything that doesn't. 248 | 249 | #### Rule W66 - Users will complain about the cost of free software. 250 | 251 | #### Rule W67 - Users will have a certificate of proficiency in computering. 252 | 253 | #### Rule W68 - Users will do things other than what they have been asked to do. 254 | 255 | #### Rule W69 - Users will think that if it works on their computer then it will work on yours. 256 | 257 | #### Rule W70 - Users will think that you can make hardware changes over the phone/Internet. 258 | 259 | **Rule W70A** - Users will believe that techo-kinesis exists. 260 | 261 | #### Rule W71 - Users will complain if they are inconvenienced, even if you go out of your way to help them. 262 | 263 | #### Rule W72 - Users will use search engines to find other search engines. 264 | 265 | #### Rule W73 - Users will create and rename a new document thinking that will retrieve the contents of the old document that they had deleted. 266 | 267 | #### Rule W74 - If there is more than one button, users will instantly click on the first button without reading. If there is only one button, they will stop and ask what to do. 268 | 269 | #### Rule W75 - Users will think that logging out is the same as rebooting. 270 | 271 | #### Rule W76 - Users will insist on being ignorant, or claim that they are. 272 | 273 | **Rule W76A** - Since they don't want to be held responsible for their actions. 274 | 275 | #### Rule W77 - Users will flirt with you to get you to do things for them. 276 | 277 | #### Rule W78 - Users will insist on you going outside the scope of your job and threaten to have you fired if you don't. 278 | 279 | #### Rule W79 - Users will unplug things or plug them in in the incorrect place. 280 | 281 | **Rule W79A** - Users will unplug the UPS so they can plug in their coffee maker or space heater. 282 | 283 | **Rule W79B** - Users will plug everything into a surge protector and ignore the UPS. 284 | 285 | **Rule W79C** - Users will plug heavy duty equipment into the UPS. 286 | 287 | #### Rule W80 - Users will turn off alarms or anything that makes alarm sounds. 288 | 289 | #### Rule W81 - Users will think that your software/setup is responsible for any issues they face. 290 | 291 | #### Rule W82 - Users will think that if one thing works then everything else will. 292 | 293 | #### Rule W83 - Users will ask you questions about things that you didn't even know existed. 294 | 295 | #### Rule W84 - Users will mash buttons until errors go away. 296 | 297 | #### Rule W85 - Users will not give you the entire error code or message. 298 | 299 | #### Rule W85A - And/Or ramble on about other things. 300 | 301 | #### W86: Users will refuse to troubleshoot, because it takes too much time. 302 | 303 | **Rule W86A** - Users will then complain about being unable to work for an even longer time. 304 | 305 | #### Rule W87 - Users will simply click "Yes" or "OK" to anything that pops up on their screen without bothering to read it or understand what they are clicking. 306 | 307 | **Rule W87A** - Or will close anything that pops up on their screen without bothering to read it or understand it. 308 | 309 | **Rule W87B** - Users will do this even when you are helping them in-person or remotely and needed to have read or seen what they just clicked. 310 | 311 | #### Rule W88 - Users will not even let you get to your desk or have lunch. 312 | 313 | **Rule W88A** - They will think you are late no matter how early you show up. 314 | 315 | #### Rule W89 - Users will turn off their computer while you are working on it. 316 | 317 | **Rule W89A** - Even if you tell them not to. 318 | 319 | #### Rule W90 - Uses will do everything to avoid submitting a support ticket. 320 | 321 | **Rule W90A** - They will spend more time writing a long detailed email to your boss than filling out a support ticket. 322 | 323 | **Rule W90B** - You will be summoned by your boss, who didn't read more than two lines, to explain that email. 324 | 325 | **Rule W90C** - This will be the first time that you will have been told about any problems. 326 | 327 | **Rule W90D** - If they do submit a ticket, it will be as vague as possible and will be missing critical information. 328 | 329 | **Rule W90E** - Attempts to obtain the information will be ignored, turning a five minute fix into something than can take long periods of time. 330 | 331 | **Rule W90F** - After noting multiple attempts at contact and closing the ticket, following procedure, the user will reopen the ticket or make a new ticket and complain that you didn’t contact them or fix their problem. 332 | 333 | **Rule W90G** - User will log a ticket minutes before going on vacation, claim it is for one week long, actually be on vacation for at least two weeks, and then ask why this wasn't fixed while they were gone. 334 | 335 | #### Rule W91 - Users will casually tell IT about a problem when the tech is working on something else. 336 | 337 | **Rule W91A** - This has been happening for a long time. 338 | 339 | **Rule W91B** - Multiple people have been having this problem yet no one has bothered to tell anyone. See *Rule W90C*. 340 | 341 | **Rule W91C** - They won't even bother telling you, just complain to each other within earshot. 342 | 343 | #### Rule W92 - Users will use you as a scapegoat. 344 | 345 | #### Rule W93 - Users will use screenshots to submit error codes but leave out critical information. 346 | 347 | #### Rule W94 - Users will unable to take screenshots in time if allowed to. 348 | 349 | #### Rule W95 - Users will submit tickets on Friday at 4:50PM and go home. 350 | 351 | **Rule W95A** - Users will duplicate the ticket on Monday at 9:10AM. 352 | 353 | **Rule W95B** - Users will think 76 hours have passed between these requests. 354 | 355 | **Rule W95C** - Techs will know that only 20 minutes has gone by between these requests. 356 | 357 | #### Rule W96 - Users will expect you to be reachable 24 hours a day, every day of the year. 358 | 359 | **Rule W96A** - Users will expect you to treat their forgotten password on a Saturday night as priority one. 360 | 361 | **Rule W96B** - Users will always call you directly, even when you are not on call. 362 | 363 | 364 | **Rule W97** - Users will throw away important stuff because they think it's not important. 365 | -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- /Rules of Tech Support - credits.txt: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1 | Rules for which credit has been established 2 | 3 | ***** 4 | 5 | The main Rules of Tech Support 6 | 7 | ***** 8 | 9 | Rule 1: Users lie. 10 | Rule 1A: It may not be malicious or willful, but Rule 1 is always in effect. - /u/SenserZarn - /u/thedudefrommac 11 | Rule 1B: Users assume that you don't know that they are lying. - /u/Valjean_The_Dark_One 12 | Rule 1C: Users continue to lie as a result of Rule 3. - /u/AstroEngiSci 13 | Rule 1D: When caught in a lie, users get angry. - /u/PolloMagnifico 14 | Rule 1E: Users lie even when they aren't users. - /u/HaggisLad 15 | Rule 1F: If they are not lying, then they are wrong. - /u/JustDandy07 16 | Rule 1G: Accept that you will eventually have to lie to get the user to do what you need them to do. - /u/Capt_Blackmoore 17 | 18 | Rule 2: Explain everything as simply as possible. - /u/vinylparx 19 | Rule 2A: There is no language simple enough to make a user understand anything. - /u/StrategiaSE 20 | Rule 2B: Emojis are NEVER an answer. - /u/Capt_Blackmoore 21 | 22 | Rule 3: User caused problems are caused by tech support. - /u/3ternalFlame3 23 | Rule 3A: As it's your fault, they don't want to be billed. - /u/TheRealSynlog 24 | Rule 3B: All issues are user issues. If there are no users, no issues get reported, no tickets get created. Ergo, it must be users who are responsible. - /u/Agent-c1983 25 | 26 | Rule 4: If it doesn't work, it is your fault. - /u/Minkehr 27 | Rule 4A: If it does, you had nothing to do with it. - /u/Minkehr 28 | 29 | Rule 5B: Or the user left the office moments after entering the ticket, and won't be back for days. How long is uncertain as these users never use their calendar. - /u/Gadgetman_1 30 | Rule 5C: Or when they do, they won't have shared it with you or they entered an all-day event as taking an hour. - /u/einstein95 31 | Rule 5D: The problem will be solved by doing something you already asked them to but they said it didn't work. - /u/Responsible-Slide-95 32 | 33 | Rule 6: All users consider their situation to be more important than others. - /u/morriscox 34 | 35 | Rule 7: It doesn't matter how much time the user claims something will take. See *Rule 1*. - /u/morriscox 36 | 37 | Rule 8C: They will give the wrong error message. - /u/morriscox 38 | Rule 8F: Users will not give you the entire error code or message. /u/surlydev 39 | Rule 8F.1: "or will read everything else." /u/EDM_Graybeard 40 | Rule 8G: If the user reads you the error message in its entirety, it will be irrelevant to the issue. - /u/ejvogie 41 | 42 | Rule 9B: All jargon is the same to users. - /u/Wrestles4Food 43 | 44 | Rule 10: About half of tech support is solving issues that are only partially related to what we are supposed to fix. - /u/Mystrsyko 45 | 46 | Rule 11: No system is idiot-proof enough to best all users. - /u/isthistechsupport 47 | Rule 11A: If you haven't found a user able to best your system, it's because they haven't found you yet. - /u/isthistechsupport 48 | Rule 11B: Nature will take as a challenge any attempt to create an idiot-proof system. - /u/GolfballDM 49 | 50 | Rule 12: There is nothing so stupid that no one will do. - /u/morriscox 51 | Rule 12A: Stupid questions do exist. - /u/morriscox 52 | Rule 12B: There is no such thing as a stupid question, just stupid people. Asking a stupid question identifies a stupid user and therefore the question itself is not stupid. - /u/androshalforc 53 | 54 | Rule 13: Never believe a user who claims that there is nothing that needs to be saved. - /u/morriscox 55 | 56 | Rule 14: Sometimes you need to trick users in order to get the job done. - /u/rowas - /u/drivers_irql_not_less 57 | Rule 14A: Sometimes you will have to make people terrified to get them to do what they are supposed to. - /u/morriscox 58 | 59 | Rule 15: Users care more about things working than in how you pulled it off. - /u/morriscox 60 | 61 | Rule 17: If you have an accent, then you will be perceived to be in a foreign country. - (deleted) 62 | 63 | Rule 18: Never trust a user. - /u/jimboolaya 64 | Rule 18A: Everyone is a user. Even you.. - /u/NJM15642002 65 | 66 | Rule 19: The most intelligent person you know will be defeated by a mere computer. - /u/morriscox 67 | Rule 19A: Even if it's you. - /u/morriscox 68 | 69 | Rule 20A: If nobody screamed instantly, users may wait until it has been long enough that the thing has been thrown away and can't be recovered any more. Then you will learn that said thing was critical for some task that absolutely has to be done right now, just like every X years. - /u/ConstanceJill 70 | 71 | Rule 21: Never underestimate the power of the end user to complicate things. - /u/Alkalannar 72 | 73 | Rule 24: When you receive a ticket and call the user immediately they definitely won't be at their desk. - /u/Why_is_This_NFSW 74 | Rule 24A: If you email them they will already be on vacation. - /u/Why_is_This_NFSW 75 | Rule 24B: The less time that they're in the office, the more urgent their issue is. - /u/James29UK 76 | 77 | Rule 26: Always have a small list of phrases to get users to do what you are trying to get them to do. - /u/morriscox 78 | Rule 26A: Never share these with non-techs. - /u/morriscox 79 | 80 | Rule 27: Don't let people know that you are a tech. They are bound to hit you up for free tech support. - /u/ness87_ 81 | 82 | Rule 29: Expect servers and such to be placed in bad locations. - /u/morriscox 83 | 84 | Rule 30: It's always the printer. - /u/sp3ct3_7 85 | 86 | Rule 30: It's always DNS, even when it's not, flush DNS and the problem gets solved. - /u/Bolinious 87 | Rule 30C: If a document fails to print, they will keep trying just to make sure it prints. - /u/ZombieLHKWoof 88 | Rule 30D: The true importance of the documents they are trying to print will be inversely proportional to the fit they are throwing. - /u/Adventux 89 | Rule 30E: Users will mash buttons and go through random menus and do random actions until errors go away or the printer is messed up. See also *Rule W93*. - /u/ozzie286 90 | Rule 30F: Did you check DNS? Check again. - /u/livewire195 91 | 92 | Rule 32: If you are a female tech, users will ask to speak to a man. - /u/DRLAR 93 | Rule 32D: You'll get tons of calls from men (especially if you are attractive) who will even disconnect stuff to get you to go to them.- /u/DRLAR 94 | Rule 32DD: Women will cause IT problems to keep you away from men. - /u/DRLAR 95 | 96 | Rule 33: Just because it worked yesterday does not mean that it will today. - /u/The_Tech_Monkey 97 | 98 | Rule 34: Never refer to this Rule by its name. - /u/Play3er2 99 | 100 | Rule 35: Updates will be both solutions and banes, sometimes at the same time. - /u/The_Tech_Monkey 101 | 102 | Rule 36: Sometimes, you will have to nuke everything, even if it means you are caught in the blast. - /u/morriscox 103 | 104 | Rule 37: Focus on getting things working, then on getting them done right. - /u/holdstheenemy 105 | Rule 37A: By hook or by crook. - /u/morriscox 106 | Rule 37B: When things are working right, leave them alone. /u/SteveHeist 107 | Rule 37C: If something starts working, even if you KNOW what you just did shouldn't have fixed it, raise your hands in the air unthreatening-like and slowly back out of the room. /u/Koladi-Ola 108 | Rule 37D: You only think it's working. The real cause will wait a while and then break everything in a spectacular fashion a few months down the line. Luckily, by then it's usually no longer your problem.- /u/TerminalJammer 109 | Rule 37E: It will still be your problem. /u/morriscox 110 | 111 | Rule 38: There's always a relevant xkcd. - /u/isthistechsupport 112 | Rule 38A: If you can't find a relevant xkcd, it's because you haven't looked hard enough. - /u/isthistechsupport 113 | Rule 38B: If there is no relevant xkcd, there is always a relevant Dilbert strip. - /u/FreelancerJosiah 114 | Rule 38C: If there is no relevant xkcd or Dilbert strip, there's a relevant entry in The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries. - /u/RangerSix 115 | Rule 38D: If you can't find a relevant xkcd, Dilbert, or Maxim, your problem does not exist. - /u/CedricCicada, /u/RangerSix 116 | 117 | Rule 39: You and your work will never be appreciated since if you did your job right, none of these problems would have happened. - /u/The_Tech_Monkey 118 | 119 | Rule 40: All IT urban legends are true. - /u/morriscox 120 | 121 | Rule 41: If it takes TFTS to turn you paranoid you likely haven't been in tech support for very long. - /u/veive 122 | Rule 41A: You aren't paranoid. They really are out to get you. - /u/morriscox 123 | 124 | Rule 42: You already know the answer. - /u/morriscox 125 | 126 | Rule 46: No technical person reads all of the rules. They will act like they know 127 | them until the place catches fire, then complain about incomplete documentation. - /u/galkardm 128 | Rule 46A: Especially if it was the documentation that went up in flames first. - /u/Manzabar 129 | 130 | Rule 47: Don't help anyone who is not paying you in some way as they won't take your advice seriously. - /u/LeafSamurai 131 | 132 | Rule 48: Venders will tell you that you need to upgrade to the newest version in order to fix things. If you are on the latest version, they will tell you to wait till the next version. - /u/morriscox 133 | Rule 48A: If the problem remains reproducible on the latest version, they may tell you to downgrade. Even if you just upgraded per *Rule 48*. - /u/alanjcaseonguay 134 | Rule 48B: It's not a bug, it's an undocumented feature. - /u/Capt_Blackmoore 135 | 136 | Rule 49: Never assume anyone else is smarter than you. - /u/jimboolaya 137 | Rule 49A: Never assume you are smarter than anyone else. - /u/jimboolaya 138 | Rule 49B: A user's intelligence will always be precisely what is needed for maximum damage. - /u/kanuut 139 | 140 | Rule 50: Scheduled updates won't. - /u/Capt_Blackmoore 141 | Rule 50A: Anything scheduled will break things, especially if you are not available. - /u/it_intern_throw 142 | 143 | Rule 51B: Drivers using hardware [heavy machinery] are also a real threat. Backhoes/diggers have a magnetic attraction to fiber optics and the drivers have an innate ability to find optical fiber. - /u/techtornado 144 | 145 | Rule 52: No is the answer for every request as long as it's plausible. - /u/zztri 146 | 147 | Rule 55: The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries are always applicable. - /u/RangerSix 148 | Rule 55A: Sometimes the applicability of the Maxims is not immediately obvious. - /u/RangerSix 149 | 150 | Rule 57: You might want to consider starting the day with coffee or tea and ending with whiskey or scotch or bourbon or beer... - /u/ollie5050, /u/Aventux 151 | 152 | Rule 58: Vendors might not follow standards. - /u/eairy 153 | 154 | Rule 60: When a user activates the Swedish Fish rule, they get preferential treatment. - /u/Adventux 155 | 156 | Rule 62: Some bugs are Heisenbugs; they can only occur if they are not being observed. Users do not count as observers. - /u/syberghost 157 | 158 | Rule 63: Something will be needed right after you get rid of it. - /u/morriscox 159 | Rule 63A: Once you replace it, you will no longer need it. - /u/Why_Is_This_NSFW 160 | 161 | Rule 64: User managed projects will always fail. - /u/TechnoJoeHouston 162 | Rule 64A: And they will blame you. - /u/Adventux 163 | 164 | Rule 71: Never take actions that assume a system is a certain way. - /u/zanfar 165 | Rule 71A: Especially if not assuming makes little or no difference to the troubleshooting process. - /u/zanfar 166 | Rule 71B: And never if the incorrect assumption will be recognizable to the user. - /u/zanfar 167 | 168 | Rule 72: Always give users the least amount of access/permissions that you can realistically get away with. - /u/morriscox 169 | 170 | Rule 73: It's always Dave or Steve or Kevin. Unless it's a Karen. - /u/Alkalannar, /u/morriscox 171 | 172 | Rule 74: Try to phrase things in a way that helps users save face. - /u/Merkuri22 173 | 174 | Rule 75: Maintenance, and sometimes coworkers, will unplug things and plug them back in wrong or not at all. - /u/insanitychasesme 175 | Rule 75A - If anything goes wrong they won't tell anyone. You will get to handle the "website down!" or "the internet stopped working!" tickets. - /u/kanakamaoli 176 | 177 | Rule 76: Only have the miniminal required equipment needed for users. - /u/omglolbah 178 | 179 | Rule 77: Your company will be in a very old very shoddy building. - /u/lesethx, /u/biobasher 180 | 181 | Rule 78: If someone is acting odd, it might be a social engineering attack. Verify everything. - /u/Thundercatsffs 182 | Rule 78A: VIPs within the company that actually do have the power to have you fired at whim will be the most angered by attempts to verify and will be the hardest to verify. - /u/Swipecat 183 | Rule 78B: Social engineering attackers know Rule 78A. - /u/Swipecat 184 | 185 | Rule 79: Users think they can connect to anywhere from anywhere. - /u/HelpMyBunny1080p 186 | 187 | Rule 80: If this port is taken, port 443 will be as well. - /u/morriscox 188 | 189 | Rule 81: Most of your job is figuring out what users are talking about. - /u/MotherMfker 190 | 191 | Rule 81N6: The GoogleBing awaits. - /u/morriscox 192 | 193 | Rule 82: Temporary solutions aren't. - /u/ 194 | 195 | Rule 83: Every company has a Production environment and a Testing environment. If you're lucky, they are separate environments. - /u/GolfballDM 196 | 197 | Rule 84: Users already have a certificate of proficiency in computering. 198 | 199 | Rule 85: Always let someone know that you are there to fix a problem. - /u/Dark_knight_dad 200 | 201 | Rule 86: You might encounter a user who is nice, doesn't need everything explained, takes you seriously, reads you complete error messages, and does what you tell them to do with no drama. *neigh* Seriously, they do exist. - /u/secretaccount556 202 | 203 | Rule 87: Users who always demand the latest hardware never work in a position that requires the latest hardware. - /u/Frazzledragon 204 | 205 | Rule 88: Sometimes you need a user to fix your problem. - /u/AmenusUK 206 | Rule 88A: Only a user will find the real problem. - /u/Capt_Blackmoore 207 | 208 | Rule 89: You will be expected to be your own tech support. - /u/Enjanced, /u/Capt_Blackmoore 209 | 210 | Rule 90: You will have to support software older than you are. - /u/Enjanced, /u/LetterBoxSnatch 211 | 212 | Rule 91: The OSI model has layer 8 (user) and layer 9 (management). - /u/Dirty_Socks 213 | 214 | Rule 92: It's always a bad sign if someone is happy to see you. - /u/lucky_ducker 215 | 216 | Rule 93: "Only one thing" never is. - /u/FreakFromSweden, /u/johnmichael0703 217 | 218 | Rule 94: Hypothetical questions aren't. - /u/Beirdo-Baggins 219 | 220 | Rule 95: Every mail from the helpdesk or system administration will be too much to handle if it is longer than two lines. - /u/sheeproomer 221 | 222 | Rule 96: Business will demand more experience for their job postings than exists. - /u/morriscox 223 | 224 | Rule 97: Always keep copies of drivers you download. - /u/Liamzee 225 | 226 | Rule 98: Don't ask users if something is on the screen. Have them read the screen. - /u/rdrunner_74 227 | 228 | Rule 99: A fix will only work until you fall asleep. -/u/brotherengima 229 | 230 | Rule 100: A theme, especially a system theme, will make it difficult to read anything. - /u/SeanBZA 231 | 232 | Rule 101: Urgent isn't. - /u/unholy0079 233 | 234 | #### Rule 102: Someday you will forget to use the mute button. Double mute. - /u/iama_bad_person, /u/fizzlefist 235 | 236 | 237 | Rule 404: You will never find it. See https://www.explainxkcd.com/404 - /u/1089maths 238 | Rule 404A: If a page is not found, then the entire site|Internet is down. 239 | Rule 404B: Online manuals will disappear without warning. Download a copy for yourself. - /u/MikeSchwab63 240 | 241 | Rule 600613: Used to go to websites instead of going directly. - /u/vballboss 242 | 243 | Rule Ferengi: Users want their problem fixed quickly. Bribes will ensure they will be. - /u/trro16p 244 | 245 | 246 | ***** 247 | 248 | Users Will 249 | 250 | ***** 251 | 252 | Rule W1A: If they do try to follow instructions, they will blame you if they screw up. - /u/KodaanUnstoppable 253 | 254 | Rule W2: No matter how much skill and knowledge and experience you have, users will claim that they know more than you. - /u/morriscox 255 | 256 | Rule W3: Users will always try to talk with your manager. - /u/onehand007 257 | 258 | Rule W5A.1: More often they are that one single thing. - /u/QuestorTapes 259 | 260 | Rule W6A: If the solution happens to work, the user thinks that they are now qualified for future issues. - /u/morriscox 261 | 262 | Rule W8: Users will forget their password (and often their username), even if it's their own name and written down next to them. - /u/Judge_of_Java 263 | 264 | Rule W10: Users will store important documents where they are supposed to be destroyed. The Recycle Bin, the Trash folder, the Deleted Items folders... - /u/morriscox 265 | Rule W10A: You will be blamed when things get deleted. - /u/Adventux 266 | 267 | Rule W11A: Users will often have one word or phrase such as "The Internet is down" for everything. /u/morriscox 268 | Rule W11B: People will think *any* piece of hardware is actually the computer, even a power strip. - /u/bwaatamelon 269 | 270 | 271 | Rule W14: Users will be certain that the laws of physics and the (current) limits of technology do not apply. - /u/FlyingSpaceLlama 272 | Rule W14A: Users will believe that anything in a movie that involves technology is real. - /u/morriscox 273 | 274 | Rule W15: Users will never think to use a search engine for answers to their questions. - /u/morriscox 275 | 276 | Rule W16: Users will use cheap equipment like surge protectors to protect their expensive equipment. - /u/OldPolishProverb 277 | 278 | Rule W17: Users will refuse to accept that anything involving computers isn't too difficult for them. - /u/whizzero0 279 | Rule W17A: Or give up at the slightest obstacle. 280 | 281 | Rule W18: Users will wait for days or weeks or months before seeking help. - /u/ZombieLHKWoof 282 | Rule W18A: Users will demand help at any hint of trouble. - /u/ZombieLHKWoof 283 | Rule W18B: The longer it takes to report it, the more urgent the user will claim that it is. - /u/ZombieLHKWoof 284 | Rule W18D: The problem has retroactively been your responsibility for the months or years the user never told you about it, not just for the 10 minutes since they did. - /u/Geminii27 285 | 286 | Rule W19: Users will believe that something that can only affect one device can affect others by their mere presence. - /u/morriscox 287 | 288 | Rule W20: Users will expect all devices to know that it is them. - /u/morriscox 289 | Rule W20A: Users will believe that anything that can connect to anything can completely control that thing. - /u/morriscox 290 | Rule W20B: Users will believe that one entity (a server or the cloud) controls all things digital, as well as time and space. - /u/FlyingSpaceLlama 291 | 292 | Rule W21A: Users believe there is a super secret DWIM (Do What I Mean) mode that all support people have access to but rudely refuse to use to resolve the user's issue. - /u/ecp001 293 | 294 | Rule W23A: They will plug it into your network. - /u/Geminii27 295 | Rule W23B: And demand you support it. - /u/Geminii27 296 | Rule W23C: While the DHCP server, and the rest of the network, crashes. - /u/XLWiz2k 297 | 298 | Rule W24: Users expect you to teach them stuff that they should have learned in school. - /u/morriscox 299 | Rule W24A: That users should have learned in primary school. - /u/unkiepunkie 300 | 301 | Rule W26A: They might not even be on the correct screen, page, website, or operating system. - /u/Adventux MAYBE 302 | 303 | Rule W27: Users will click on things that say "Click Here!" or "Download Now" just because they think they are supposed to. - /u/putin_my_ass 304 | Rule W27A: Unless that "Click Here!" or "Download Now" button is the one they are actually supposed to click on. - /u/Manzabar 305 | 306 | Rule W28: Users will try to use their computer while you are working on it, especially if you are not present. - /u/Sine_Pi 307 | 308 | Rule W29: Users will claim that something can't be done, even if you are doing it. /u/morriscox 309 | Rule W29B: Despite all evidence to the contrary, users will insist that things having worked yesterday means they must also be working today. - /u/Geminii27 310 | Rule W29C: In fact, it always worked that way before, even if doing so would have been physically impossible. - /u/Geminii27 311 | 312 | Rule W31: Users expect to be rewarded for their mistakes. - /u/Macaveli54 313 | 314 | Rule W33: Users will claim to have credentials that they don't. - /u/Junkbunny 315 | 316 | Rule W34: Users will use jargon in an attempt to make it seem that they know what they are talking about. - /u/Junkbunny - /u/Beta_K 317 | Rule W34A: Users will make up their own jargon and expect you to understand it as though it was standard jargon everyone knows. - /u/oloryn 318 | 319 | Rule W36: Users will call you from anywhere, even in a speeding car about to go into a canyon. - /u/morriscox 320 | Rule W36A: Users will call from anywhere except in front of the equipment with the issue. - /u/Geminii27 321 | Rule W38B: Acknowledging the existence of a piece of equipment is equivalent to touching it and accepting responsibility for its 100% uptime, including coffee makers and Tamagotchis. - /u/ecp001 322 | 323 | Rule W39: Users will confuse a company with the products that they make. - /u/silent3 324 | Rule W39A: Users will confuse a company with products that it doesn't make. - /u/silent3 325 | 326 | Rule W46: Users wanting support for a phone will use that same phone to call you. - /u/Geminii27 327 | 328 | Rule W47: Corporate users will expect you, instead of their boss or training department, to train them on how to do their job. - /u/Geminii27 329 | 330 | Rule W48: Users will want you to do their job for them. - /u/Geminii27 331 | Rule W48A: And insist that it is, in fact, YOUR job, not theirs. /u/Geminii27 332 | 333 | Rule W55: Users will not know the phonetic alphabet, and will suggest the worst possible words. They will also refuse to use the ones you've previously used in the current conversation. - /u/Honest-Kruppe 334 | 335 | Rule W56: Users will believe every hoax. - /u/morriscox 336 | 337 | Rule W57: Users will turn things off and NOT back on again. - /u/jasapple 338 | 339 | Rule W58: Users will be certain that IT has infinite faster/shinier/better gear that they are keeping for themselves. - /u/Manzabar 340 | Rule W58A: The more they want that gear the less they need it. - /u/Frazzledragon 341 | 342 | Rule W62: Users will never read the manual. - /u/morriscox 343 | Rule W62A: Only those who know what RTFM means will do it. - /u/gromit1991 344 | Rule W62B: It doesn't matter how accessible you make the documentation, they won't consult it. - /u/lordriffington 345 | 346 | 347 | Rule W64: Users will expect everything to work without power. - /u/Capt_Blackmoore 348 | Rule W64A: Users will not realize that they need power. - /u/jew_fro_23 349 | Rule W64B: Users will think that the Internet/network powers their devices. - /u/MotherMkfker 350 | 351 | Rule W65: People will ask you for help with anything that uses electricity. - morriscox 352 | Rule W65A: Or anything that doesn't. - /u/FlyingSpaceLlama 353 | 354 | Rule W66: Users will complain about the cost of free software. - /u/morriscox 355 | 356 | Rule W67: Users already have a certificate of proficiency in computering. - /u/SomeGuy8010 357 | 358 | Rule W68: Users will do things other than what they have been asked to do. - /u/Majahzi 359 | 360 | Rule W69: Users will think that if it works on their computer then it will work on yours. - /u/m31td0wn 361 | 362 | Rule W70: Users will think that you can make hardware changes over the phone/Internet. - /u/Ars-Torok 363 | Rule W70A: Users will believe that techo-kinesis exists. - /u/bachennoir 364 | 365 | Rule W71: Users will complain if they are inconvenienced, even if you go out of your way to help them. /u/Daihatschi 366 | 367 | Rule W72: Users will use search engines to find other search engines. - /u/morriscox, 368 | 369 | Rule W73: Users will create and rename a new document thinking that will retrieve the contents of the old document that they had deleted. - /u/GoodDave 370 | 371 | Rule W74: If there is more than one button, users will instantly click on the first button without reading. If there is only one button, they will stop and ask what to do. - (deleted) 372 | 373 | Rule W75: Users will think that logging out is the same as rebooting. - /u/CrazyNerd91 374 | 375 | Rule W76: Users will insist on being ignorant, or claim that they are. - /u/themcp 376 | Rule W76A: Since they don't want to be held responsible for their actions. - /u/themcp 377 | 378 | Rule W77: Users will flirt with you to get you to do things for them. - /u/SpecificallyGeneral 379 | 380 | Rule W78: Users will insist on you going outside the scope of your job and threaten to have you fired if you don't. - /u/morriscox 381 | 382 | Rule W79: Users will unplug things or plug them in in the incorrect place. - /u/insanitychasesme 383 | Rule W79A: Users will unplug the UPS so they can plug in their coffee maker or space heater. - /u/APsWhoopinRoom, /u/RedditVince 384 | Rule W79B: Users will plug everything into a surge protector and ignore the UPS. - /u/r_golan_trevize 385 | Rule W79C: Users will plug heavy duty equipment into your UPS. - /u/706union 386 | 387 | Rule W80: Users will turn off alarms or anything that makes alarm sounds. - /u/Manodactyl 388 | 389 | Rule W81: Users will think that your software/setup is responsible for any issues they face. - /u/ContentBug2 390 | 391 | Rule W82: Users will think that if one thing works then everything else will. - /u/ContentBug2 392 | 393 | Rule W83: Users will ask you questions about things that you didn't even know existed. /u/JAJohnson324 394 | 395 | Rule W84: Users will mash buttons until errors go away. - /u/ozzie286 396 | 397 | Rule W85: Users will not give you the entire error code or message. /u/surlydev/ 398 | Rule W85A: And/Or ramble on about other things. /u/MadIIILeet 399 | 400 | Rule W86: Users will refuse to troubleshoot, because it takes too much time. - /u/Frazzledragon 401 | Rule W86A: Users will then complain about being unable to work for an even longer time. - /u/Frazzledragon 402 | 403 | Rule W87: Users will simply click "Yes" or "OK" to anything that pops up on their screen without bothering to read it or understand what they are clicking. - /u/Marc_NJ 404 | Rule W87A: Or will close anything that pops up on their screen without bothering to read it or understand it. - /u/Marc_NJ 405 | Rule W87B: Users will do this even when you are helping them in-person or remotely and needed to have read or seen what they just clicked. - /u/Marc_NJ 406 | 407 | Rule W88: Users will not even let you get to your desk or have lunch. - /u/TheNiceDaniels 408 | Rule W88A: They will think you are late no matter how early you show up. - /u/itsehsreve 409 | 410 | Rule W89: Users will turn off their computer while you are working on it. - /uIAmAUser4Real 411 | Rule W89A: Even if you tell them not to. - /u/morriscox 412 | 413 | Rule W90: Uses will do everything to avoid submitting a support ticket. - /u/sheeproomer 414 | Rule W90A: They will spend more time writing a long detailed email to your boss than filling out a support ticket. - /u/Few-Tart_7348 415 | Rule W90B: You will be summoned by your boss, who didn't read more than two lines, to explain that email. - /u/sheeproomer 416 | Rule W90C: This will be the first time that you will have been told about any problems. - /u/Rathmun 417 | Rule W90D: If they do submit a ticket, it will be as vague as possible and will be missing critical information. - /u/archa1c0236 418 | Rule W90E: Attempts to obtain the information will be ignored, turning a five minute fix into something than can take long periods of time. - /u/archa1c0236 419 | Rule W90F: After noting multiple attempts at contact and closing the ticket, following procedure, the user will reopen the ticket or make a new ticket and complain that you didn’t contact them or fix their problem. - /u/BastPriestess 420 | Rule W90G: User will log a ticket minutes before going on vacation, claim it is for one week long, actually be on vacation for at least two weeks, and then ask why this wasn't fixed while they were gone. - /u/physc65 421 | 422 | Rule W91: Users will casually tell IT about a problem when the tech is working on something else. - /u/BastPriestness 423 | Rule W91A: This has been happening for a long time. - /u/BastPriestness 424 | Rule W91B: Multiple people have been having this problem yet no one has bothered to tell anyone. See *Rule W90C*. - /u/BastPriestness 425 | Rule W91C: They won't even bother telling you, just complain to each other within earshot. /u/Boryce 426 | 427 | Rule W92: Users will use you as a scapegoat. - /u/SeanBZA 428 | 429 | Rule W93: Users will use screenshots to submit error codes but leave out critical information. - /u/rdrunner_74 430 | 431 | Rule W94: Users will unable to take screenshots in time if allowed to. - /u/Mysterious_Peak_6967 432 | 433 | Rule W95: Users will submit tickets on Friday at 4:50PM and go home. - /u/DeadEyedAdmin 434 | Rule W95A: Users will duplicate the ticket on Monday at 9:10AM. - /u/DeadEyedAdmin 435 | Rule W95B: Users will think 76 hours have passed between these requests. - /u/DeadEyedAdmin 436 | Rule W95C: Techs will know that only 20 minutes has gone by between these requests. - /u/DeadEyedAdmin 437 | 438 | 439 | Rule W96: Users will expect you to be reachable 24 hours a day, every day of the year. - /u/DoctorOctagonapus 440 | Rule W96A: Users will expect you to treat their forgotten password on a Saturday night as priority one. - /u/DoctorOctagonapus 441 | Rule W96B: Users will always call you directly, even when you are not on call. - /u/DoctorOctagonapus 442 | 443 | Rule W97 - Users will throw away important stuff because they think it's not important. - /u/ammit_souleater 444 | 445 | ***** 446 | 447 | Techs 448 | 449 | ***** 450 | 451 | Rule T1: CYA 452 | Rule T1A: Always have someone else to blame it on. - /u/cokronk 453 | 454 | Rule T2: Never lie to another tech. - /u/GenericUserLogon, /u/morriscox 455 | Rule T2A: Unless that tech is the person you're about to blame. See *Rule T1A* and *Rule T25*. - /u/Mistral_Mobius 456 | Rule T2B: Sometimes you will need to lie in order to deal with things like warranty repairs or getting ISPs to do the right thing. - /u/sirblastalot 457 | Rule T3B: Is it even plugged in? - /u/Liamzee 458 | Rule T3C: Is it turned on? - /u/WirelessyWired 459 | 460 | Rule T6: Don't try to do work over the Internet while in a moving airplane. - /u/dmehaffy 461 | 462 | Rule T7: Never call support with your cellphone if you can help it. Otherwise, you won't be able to drop the problem in someone else's lap. - /u/Kaoshund 463 | 464 | Rule T8: You will really screw up eventually and it is going to be a doozy. - /u/morriscox 465 | 466 | Rule T9: Backup following the Rule of Three. A backup, a copy of the backup, and a copy of the copy. Test them. - /u/morriscox 467 | Rule T9A: Consider using other backup strategies. 468 | Rule T9C: If you can't restore from it, you don't have a backup. - /u/Alkalannar 469 | Rule T9D: If you haven't tested your backup recently, you don't have a backup. - /u/CyberKnight1 470 | Rule T9E: A year ago is not "recently". - /u/CyberKnight1 471 | 472 | Rule T10: Assume that there are also inside threats, even inside IT. It's not paranoia if they really are after you (or your stuff). - /u/morriscox 473 | Rule T10B: Don't even trust yourself. One error and you might cause serious damage or become a security leak. - /u/morriscox 474 | Rule T10C:- The new member on your team will send critical sensitive information to anyone who asks without trying to do any verification. - /u/PM_me_your_recipes 475 | 476 | Rule T11A: Whenever you have a problem, you will be unable to find a solution until just before the tech you called for help arrives. - /u/Play3er2 477 | Rule T11C: If none of these apply, the solution will be something random that will make no sense whatsoever to you or the technician. - /u/mandichaos 478 | 479 | Rule T12: Every tech has their own set of Rules, even if they don't know it. - /u/kanuut 480 | 481 | Rule T13A: Techs will treat you like you are a user. - /u/morriscox 482 | 483 | Rule T15: No technical person reads all of the rules. They will act like they know them until the place catches fire, then complain about incomplete documentation. - /u/galkardm 484 | Rule T15A: Especially if it was the documentation that went up in flames first. - /u/Manzabar 485 | 486 | Rule T16: Womprats aren't much larger than two meters. - /u/Geminii27 487 | 488 | Rule T17: Third-Party IT will make configuration overhauls without notifying your company's IT department, and then blame your company for problems caused by their configuration mishap. - /u/SomeGuy8010 489 | 490 | Rule T18: You are incompetent. You just don't know it. At least, that's what your replacement will think. - /u/morriscox 491 | Rule T18A: The tech that you replaced was incompetent and you have a huge mess that will take months to fix. - /u/morriscox 492 | Rule T18B: You will have to deal with techs who are incompetent. - /u/morriscox 493 | Rule T18C: Sometimes, you really are incompetent. - /u/morriscox 494 | 495 | Rule T21: Use your inner laziness to do the most elegant solution possible. - /u/Alkalannar 496 | Rule T21A: Know the difference betweeen "truly lazy" and "plain laziness". - /u/Adventux 497 | 498 | Rule T22: If nothing seems to work, reboot. - /u/The_MAZZTer 499 | 500 | Rule T24: Other techs will never read the manual. - /u/morriscox 501 | Rule T24A: Neither will you. - /u/morriscox 502 | 503 | Rule T25: Your fellow techs will expect you to be their tech support. - /u/AWetYeti 504 | 505 | Rule T26: A tech will install equipment in dangerous environments. 506 | 507 | Rule T27: Third part IT will remove equipment and not tell you or the user. - /u/Baldussimo 508 | 509 | Rule T28 - The biggest enemy of good IT is that they are outnumbered by lazy IT. - /u/Ims0c0nfus3d 510 | 511 | Rule T29 - Grow a beard so that people don't recognize you. - /u/Slightlyevolved 512 | 513 | 514 | Rule T568A: white green, green, white orange, blue, white blue, orange, white brown, brown - /u/ABCDwp 515 | 516 | Rule T568B: white orange, orange, white green, blue, white blue, green, white brown, brown - /u/polprog 517 | 518 | Rule T1000: Buy stock in Boston Dynamics but sell all of it before 2029. - (deleted) 519 | 520 | 521 | ***** 522 | 523 | Management 524 | 525 | ***** 526 | 527 | Rule M1: Management might find these rules. Plead ignorance. - /u/morriscox 528 | 529 | Rule M3: Management will order stuff they have no clue about. - /u/techtornado 530 | Rule M3A: Management will expect the thing they bought to work perfectly out of the box. - /u/techtornado 531 | Rule M3B: You will be blamed when it doesn't work. - /u/techtornado, /u/Adventux 532 | Rule M3C: Especially when this is the first you are learning of this item even existing. - /u/BastPriestess 533 | 534 | 535 | Rule M4: Management will be puzzled as to why you have no clue about the thing they have no clue about... - /u/techtornado 536 | 537 | Rule M5: Management will expect you to be up to speed on their under the table projects, with decisions based only on what the salesman says, without consulting IT. - /u/techtornado 538 | 539 | Rule M6: Your boss will not have a tech background or a degree in your field. - /u/morriscox 540 | 541 | Rule M7: Management will present impossible tasks to be done. - (deleted) 542 | Rule M7A: Management will then become outraged that said tasks were not completed. - (deleted) 543 | 544 | Rule M8A: Even if the equipment is not IT related. - /u/BastPriestess 545 | Rule M8B: Even if the equipment is IT related but is property of a third-party and thus their responsibility. - /u/BastPriestess 546 | 547 | Rule M13: Do not, in any circumstances, send private *anything* via email. Especially if you're the CEO. - /u/Eemo1 548 | 549 | Rule M14: You will never get interviewed by anyone who will actually understand your answers. - /u/morriscox 550 | 551 | Rule M15: Management will give you a budget of zero dollars and expect you to work miracles. - /u/omglolbah 552 | Rule M15A: “Boss paralysis” happens when they ask you a question that needs a numeric answer, and they become catatonic until you say a number. Failing to recognize the nature of this condition may result in you having a budget of $911. - /u/wolfie379 553 | 554 | Rule M16: Management never wants to pay to upgrade anything. - /u/morriscox 555 | Rule M16A: Unless it's for management. - /u/morriscox 556 | 557 | Rule M17: Managers might fire you for going outside the scope of your job. - /u/JAJohnson324 558 | Rule M17A: Managers will tell you to go outside the scope of your job, even if you don't report to them. - /u/morriscox 559 | Rule M17B: Users will insist on you going outside the scope of your job and threaten to have you fired if you don't. - /u/morriscox 560 | 561 | Rule M19: Management only cares about productivity that is reported. - /u/ThrowableHotPotato 562 | Rule M19A: Find out what figure they think is the most important and focus your efforts on that. - /u/226506193 563 | 564 | Rule M20: Management will have you do their job for them. - /u/kanakamaoli 565 | 566 | Rule M21: Management will take away your tools and expect you to use the same equipment as every one else and yet expect you to do your job anyway. - /u/u/LowBudgetViking 567 | 568 | Rule M22: Being a tech in management doesn't make you exempt from the Rules, even *Rule M1* (when it comes to dealing with upper management). - /u/morriscox 569 | 570 | Rule M23: Management will tell you to do someone else's job but only give credit to them. - /u/morriscox 571 | 572 | Rule M24: Management (and coworkers) will treat the help better than they treat you. - /u/Shurikane 573 | 574 | Rule M25: The OSI model has layer 8 (user) and layer 9 (management). - /u/Dirty_Socks 575 | 576 | Rule M26: Managers often have a checklist, which no one else will care about. - /u/OldGreyTroll 577 | 578 | Rule M27: Managers will ask you to do something that is stupid/expensive/won’t work. - /u/BastPriestess 579 | Rule M27A: When they do, always ask for it in writing to CYA. - /u/BastPriestess 580 | Rule M27B: If they give it in writing, send a copy to your personal e-mail address. - /u/BastPriestess 581 | 582 | Rule M28: Buzzwords rule all decisions. - /u/TechnoJoeHouston 583 | 584 | 585 | Rule MAN: Who your manager is likely to be. - /u/morriscox 586 | 587 | ***** 588 | 589 | Mantras 590 | 591 | ***** 592 | 593 | OM1: Mentat Mantra (Dune modified) 594 | It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion. 595 | It is by the beans of Java the thoughts acquire speed. 596 | The hands acquire shaking. 597 | The shaking becomes a warning. 598 | It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion. /u/trro19p 599 | 600 | OM2: We the willing, led by the unknowing 601 | Did the impossible for the ungrateful 602 | We have done so much for so long with so little 603 | That we can now do anything with nothing. - /u/Curt451 604 | 605 | 606 | ----- 607 | Phrases 608 | 609 | Phrase P3: "Unplug it and plug it back in again." - /u/Merkuri22 610 | 611 | Phrase P4: "While you're here..." - /u/Birdbraned 612 | 613 | Phrase P5: "We did something on our end and you need to restart for it to take effect." - /u/joshadm 614 | 615 | Phrase P6: "Humor me." - /u/morriscox 616 | 617 | Phrase P7: "Try it again." - /u/morriscox 618 | 619 | -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- /Rules of Tech Support - credits.md: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1 | ### Rules for which credit has been established 2 | ***** 3 | # The main Rules of Tech Support 4 | 5 | #### Rule 1: Users lie. 6 | 7 | **Rule 1A**: It may not be malicious or willful, but Rule 1 is always in effect. - /u/SenserZarn - /u/thedudefrommac 8 | 9 | **Rule 1B**: Users assume that you don't know that they are lying. - /u/Valjean_The_Dark_One 10 | 11 | **Rule 1C**: Users continue to lie as a result of Rule 3. - /u/AstroEngiSci 12 | 13 | **Rule 1D**: When caught in a lie, users get angry. - /u/PolloMagnifico 14 | 15 | **Rule 1E: Users lie even when they aren't users. - /u/HaggisLad 16 | 17 | **Rule 1F**: If they are not lying, then they are wrong. - /u/JustDandy07 18 | 19 | **Rule 1G**: Accept that you will eventually have to lie to get the user to do what you need them to do. - /u/Capt_Blackmoore 20 | 21 | **Rule 2**: Explain everything as simply as possible. - /u/vinylparx 22 | 23 | **Rule 2A**: There is no language simple enough to make a user understand anything. - /u/StrategiaSE 24 | 25 | **Rule 2B**: Emojis are NEVER an answer. - /u/Capt_Blackmoore 26 | 27 | #### Rule 3: User caused problems are caused by tech support. - /u/3ternalFlame3 28 | 29 | **Rule 3A**: As it's your fault, they don't want to be billed. - /u/TheRealSynlog 30 | 31 | **Rule 3B**: All issues are user issues. If there are no users, no issues get reported, no tickets get created. Ergo, it must be users who are responsible. - /u/Agent-c1983 32 | 33 | #### Rule 4: If it doesn't work, it is your fault. - /u/Minkehr 34 | 35 | **Rule 4A**: If it does, you had nothing to do with it. - /u/Minkehr 36 | 37 | **Rule 5B**: Or the user left the office moments after entering the ticket, and won't be back for days. How long is uncertain as these users never use their calendar. - /u/Gadgetman_1 38 | 39 | **Rule 5C**: Or when they do, they won't have shared it with you or they entered an all-day event as taking an hour. - /u/einstein95 40 | 41 | **Rule 5D**: The problem will be solved by doing something you already asked them to but they said it didn't work. - /u/Responsible-Slide-95 42 | 43 | #### Rule 6: All users consider their situation to be more important than others. - /u/morriscox 44 | 45 | #### Rule 7: It doesn't matter how much time the user claims something will take. See *Rule 1*. - /u/morriscox 46 | 47 | **Rule 8C**: They will give the wrong error message. /u/morriscox 48 | 49 | **Rule 8F**: Users will not give you the entire error code or message. /u/surlydev 50 | 51 | **Rule 8F.1**: "or will read everything else." /u/EDM_Graybeard 52 | 53 | **Rule 8G**: If the user reads you the error message in its entirety, it will be irrelevant to the issue. - /u/ejvogie 54 | 55 | **Rule 9B**: All jargon is the same to users. - /u/Wrestles4Food 56 | 57 | #### Rule 10: About half of tech support is solving issues that are only partially related to what we are supposed to fix. - /u/Mystrsyko 58 | 59 | #### Rule 11: No system is idiot-proof enough to best all users. - /u/isthistechsupport 60 | 61 | **Rule 11A**: If you haven't found a user able to best your system, it's because they haven't found you yet. - /u/isthistechsupport 62 | 63 | **Rule 11B**: Nature will take as a challenge any attempt to create an idiot-proof system. - /u/GolfballDM 64 | 65 | #### Rule 12: There is nothing so stupid that no one will do. - /u/morriscox 66 | 67 | **Rule 12A**: Stupid questions do exist. - /u/morriscox 68 | 69 | **Rule 12B**: There is no such thing as a stupid question, just stupid people. Asking a stupid question identifies a stupid user and therefore the question itself is not stupid. - /u/androshalforc 70 | 71 | #### Rule 13: Never believe a user who claims that there is nothing that needs to be saved. - /u/morriscox 72 | 73 | #### Rule 14: Sometimes you need to trick users in order to get the job done. - /u/rowas - /u/drivers_irql_not_less 74 | 75 | **Rule 14A**: Sometimes you will have to make people terrified to get them to do what they are supposed to. - /u/morriscox 76 | 77 | #### Rule 15: Users care more about things working than in how you pulled it off. - /u/morriscox 78 | 79 | #### Rule 17: If you have an accent, then you will be perceived to be in a foreign country. - (deleted) 80 | 81 | #### Rule 18: Never trust a user. - /u/jimboolaya 82 | 83 | **Rule 18A**: Everyone is a user. Even you. - /u/NJM15642002 84 | 85 | #### Rule 19: The most intelligent person you know will be defeated by a mere computer. - /u/morriscox 86 | 87 | **Rule 19A**: Even if it's you. - /u/morriscox 88 | 89 | **Rule 20A**: If nobody screamed instantly, users may wait until it has been long enough that the thing has been thrown away and can't be recovered any more. Then you will learn that said thing was critical for some task that absolutely has to be done right now, just like every X years. - /u/ConstanceJill 90 | 91 | #### Rule 21: Never underestimate the power of the end user to complicate things. - /u/Alkalannar 92 | 93 | #### Rule 24: When you receive a ticket and call the user immediately they definitely won't be at their desk. - /u/Why_is_This_NFSW 94 | 95 | **Rule 24A**: If you email them they will already be on vacation. - /u/Why_is_This_NFSW 96 | 97 | **Rule 24B**: The less time that they're in the office, the more urgent their issue is. - /u/James29UK 98 | 99 | #### Rule 26: Always have a small list of phrases to get users to do what you are trying to get them to do. - /u/morriscox 100 | 101 | **Rule 26A**: Never share these with non-techs. - /u/morriscox 102 | 103 | #### Rule 27: Don't let people know that you are a tech. They are bound to hit you up for free tech support. - /u/ness87_ 104 | 105 | #### Rule 29: Expect servers and such to be placed in bad locations. - /u/morriscox 106 | 107 | #### Rule 30: It's always the printer. - /u/sp3ct3_7 108 | 109 | #### Rule 30: It's always DNS, even when it's not, flush DNS and the problem gets solved. - /u/Bolinious 110 | 111 | **Rule 30C:** If a document fails to print, they will keep trying just to make sure it prints. - /u/ZombieLHKWoof 112 | 113 | **Rule 30D**: The true importance of the documents they are trying to print will be inversely proportional to the fit they are throwing. - /u/Adventux 114 | 115 | **Rule 30E**: Users will mash buttons and go through random menus and do random actions until errors go away or the printer is messed up. See also *Rule W93*. - /u/ozzie286 116 | 117 | **Rule 30F**: Did you check DNS? Check again. - /u/livewire195 118 | 119 | #### Rule 32: If you are a female tech, users will ask to speak to a man. - /u/DRLAR 120 | 121 | **Rule 32D**: You'll get tons of calls from men (especially if you are attractive) who will even disconnect stuff to get you to go to them.- /u/DRLAR 122 | 123 | **Rule 32DD**: Women will cause IT problems to keep you away from men. - /u/DRLAR 124 | 125 | #### Rule 33: Just because it worked yesterday does not mean that it will today. - /u/The_Tech_Monkey 126 | 127 | #### Rule 34: Never refer to this Rule by its name. - /u/Play3er2 128 | 129 | #### Rule 35: Updates will be both solutions and banes, sometimes at the same time. - /u/The_Tech_Monkey 130 | 131 | #### Rule 36: Sometimes, you will have to nuke everything, even if it means you are caught in the blast. - /u/morriscox 132 | 133 | #### Rule 37: Focus on getting things working, then on getting them done right. - /u/holdstheenemy 134 | 135 | **Rule 37A**: By hook or by crook. - /u/morriscox 136 | 137 | **Rule 37B**: When things are working right, leave them alone. /u/SteveHeist 138 | 139 | **Rule 37C**: If something starts working, even if you KNOW what you just did shouldn't have fixed it, raise your hands in the air unthreatening-like and slowly back out of the room. /u/Koladi-Ola 140 | 141 | **Rule 37D**: You only think it's working. The real cause will wait a while and then break everything in a spectacular fashion a few months down the line. Luckily, by then it's usually no longer your problem.- /u/TerminalJammer 142 | 143 | **Rule 37E**: It will still be your problem. /u/morriscox 144 | 145 | #### Rule 38: There's always a relevant xkcd. - /u/isthistechsupport 146 | 147 | **Rule 38A**: If you can't find a relevant xkcd, it's because you haven't looked hard enough. - /u/isthistechsupport 148 | 149 | **Rule 38B**: If there is no relevant xkcd, there is always a relevant Dilbert strip. - /u/FreelancerJosiah 150 | 151 | **Rule 38C**: If there is no relevant xkcd or Dilbert strip, there's a relevant entry in The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries. - /u/RangerSix 152 | 153 | **Rule 38D**: If you can't find a relevant xkcd, Dilbert, or Maxim, your problem does not exist. - /u/CedricCicada, /u/RangerSix 154 | 155 | #### Rule 39: You and your work will never be appreciated since if you did your job right, none of these problems would have happened. - /u/The_Tech_Monkey 156 | 157 | #### Rule 40: All IT urban legends are true. - /u/morriscox 158 | 159 | #### Rule 41: If it takes TFTS to turn you paranoid you likely haven't been in tech support for very long. - /u/veive 160 | 161 | **Rule 41A**: You aren't paranoid. They really are out to get you. - /u/morriscox 162 | 163 | #### Rule 42: You already know the answer. - /u/morriscox 164 | 165 | #### Rule 46: No technical person reads all of the rules. They will act like they know 166 | them until the place catches fire, then complain about incomplete documentation. - /u/galkardm 167 | 168 | **Rule 46A**: Especially if it was the documentation that went up in flames first. - /u/Manzabar 169 | 170 | #### Rule 47: Don't help anyone who is not paying you in some way as they won't take your advice seriously. - /u/LeafSamurai 171 | 172 | #### Rule 48: Venders will tell you that you need to upgrade to the newest version in order to fix things. If you are on the latest version, they will tell you to wait till the next version. - /u/morriscox 173 | 174 | **Rule 48A**: If the problem remains reproducible on the latest version, they may tell you to downgrade. Even if you just upgraded per *Rule 48*. - /u/alanjcaseonguay 175 | 176 | **Rule 48B**: It's not a bug, it's an undocumented feature. - /u/Capt_Blackmoore 177 | 178 | #### Rule 49: Never assume anyone else is smarter than you. - /u/jimboolaya 179 | 180 | **Rule 49A**: Never assume you are smarter than anyone else. - /u/jimboolaya 181 | 182 | **Rule 49B**: A user's intelligence will always be precisely what is needed for maximum damage. - /u/kanuut 183 | 184 | #### Rule 50: Scheduled updates won't. - /u/Capt_Blackmoore 185 | 186 | **Rule 50A**: Anything scheduled will break things, especially if you are not available. - /u/it_intern_throw 187 | 188 | **Rule 51B**: Drivers using hardware [heavy machinery] are also a real threat. Backhoes/diggers have a magnetic attraction to fiber optics and the drivers have an innate ability to find optical fiber. - /u/techtornado 189 | 190 | #### Rule 52: No is the answer for every request as long as it's plausible. - /u/zztri 191 | 192 | #### Rule 55: The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries are always applicable. - /u/RangerSix 193 | 194 | **Rule 55A**: Sometimes the applicability of the Maxims is not immediately obvious. - /u/RangerSix 195 | 196 | #### Rule 57: You might want to consider starting the day with coffee or tea and ending with whiskey or scotch or bourbon or beer... - /u/ollie5050, /u/Aventux 197 | 198 | #### Rule 58: Vendors might not follow standards. - /u/eairy 199 | 200 | #### Rule 60: When a user activates the Swedish Fish rule, they get preferential treatment. - /u/Adventux 201 | 202 | #### Rule 62: Some bugs are Heisenbugs; they can only occur if they are not being observed. Users do not count as observers. - /u/syberghost 203 | 204 | #### Rule 63: Something will be needed right after you get rid of it. - /u/morriscox 205 | 206 | **Rule 63A**: Once you replace it, you will no longer need it. - /u/Why_Is_This_NSFW 207 | 208 | #### Rule 64: User managed projects will always fail. - /u/TechnoJoeHouston 209 | 210 | **Rule 64A**: And they will blame you. - /u/Adventux 211 | 212 | #### Rule 71: Never take actions that assume a system is a certain way. - /u/zanfar 213 | 214 | **Rule 71A**: Especially if not assuming makes little or no difference to the troubleshooting process. - /u/zanfar 215 | 216 | **Rule 71B**: And never if the incorrect assumption will be recognizable to the user. - /u/zanfar 217 | 218 | #### Rule 72: Always give users the least amount of access/permissions that you can realistically get away with. - /u/morriscox 219 | 220 | **Rule 73**: It's always Dave or Steve or Kevin. Unless it's a Karen. - /u/Alkalannar, /u/morriscox 221 | 222 | #### Rule 74: Try to phrase things in a way that helps users save face. - /u/Merkuri22 223 | 224 | #### Rule 75: Maintenance, and sometimes coworkers, will unplug things and plug them back in wrong or not at all. - /u/insanitychasesme 225 | 226 | **Rule 75A**: If anything goes wrong they won't tell anyone. You will get to handle the "website down!" or "the internet stopped working!" tickets. - /u/kanakamaoli 227 | 228 | #### Rule 76: Only have the miniminal required equipment needed for users. - /u/omglolbah 229 | 230 | #### Rule 77: Your company will be in a very old very shoddy building. - /u/lesethx, /u/biobasher 231 | 232 | #### Rule 78: If someone is acting odd, it might be a social engineering attack. Verify everything. - /u/Thundercatsffs 233 | 234 | **Rule 78A**: VIPs within the company that actually do have the power to have you fired at whim will be the most angered by attempts to verify and will be the hardest to verify. - /u/Swipecat 235 | 236 | **Rule 78B**: Social engineering attackers know Rule 78A. - /u/Swipecat 237 | 238 | #### Rule 79: Users think they can connect to anywhere from anywhere. - /u/HelpMyBunny1080p 239 | 240 | #### Rule 80: If this port is taken, port 443 will be as well. - /u/morriscox 241 | 242 | #### Rule 81: Most of your job is figuring out what users are talking about. - /u/MotherMfker 243 | 244 | #### Rule 81N6: The GoogleBing awaits. - /u/morriscox 245 | 246 | #### Rule 82: Temporary solutions aren't. 247 | 248 | #### Rule 83: Every company has a Production environment and a Testing environment. If you're lucky, they are separate environments. - /u/GolfballDM 249 | 250 | #### Rule 85: Always let someone know that you are there to fix a problem. /u/Dark_knight_dad 251 | 252 | #### Rule 86: You might encounter a user who is nice, doesn't need everything explained, takes you seriously, reads you complete error messages, and does what you tell them to do with no drama. *neigh* Seriously, they do exist. - /u/secretaccount556 253 | 254 | #### Rule 87: Users who always demand the latest hardware never work in a position that requires the latest hardware. - /u/Frazzledragon 255 | 256 | #### Rule 88: Sometimes you need a user to fix your problem. - /u/AmenusUK 257 | 258 | **Rule 88A**: Only a user will find the real problem. - /u/Capt_Blackmoore 259 | 260 | #### Rule 89: You will be expected to be your own tech support. - /u/Enjanced, /u/Capt_Blackmoore 261 | 262 | #### Rule 90: You will have to support software older than you are. - /u/Enjanced, /u/LetterBoxSnatch 263 | 264 | #### Rule 91: The OSI model has layer 8 (user) and layer 9 (management). - /u/Dirty_Socks 265 | 266 | #### Rule 92: It's always a bad sign if someone is happy to see you. - /u/lucky_ducker 267 | 268 | #### Rule 93: "Only one thing" never is. - /u/FreakFromSweden, /u/johnmichael0703 269 | 270 | #### Rule 94: Hypothetical questions aren't. - /u/Beirdo-Baggins 271 | 272 | #### Rule 95: Every mail from the helpdesk or system administration will be too much to handle if it is longer than two lines. - /u/sheeproomer 273 | 274 | #### Rule 96: Business will demand more experience for their job postings than exists. - /u/morriscox 275 | 276 | #### Rule 97: Always keep copies of drivers you download. - /u/Liamzee 277 | 278 | #### Rule 98: Don't ask users if something is on the screen. Have them read the screen. - /u/rdrunner_74 279 | 280 | #### Rule 99: A fix will only work until you fall asleep. - /u/brotherengima 281 | 282 | #### Rule 100: A theme, especially a system theme, will make it difficult to read anything. - /u/SeanBZA 283 | 284 | #### Rule 101: Urgent isn't. - /u/unholy0079 285 | 286 | #### Rule 102: Someday you will forget to use the mute button. Double mute. - /u/iama_bad_person, /u/fizzlefist 287 | 288 | 289 | #### Rule 404: You will never find it. See https://www.explainxkcd.com/404 - /u/1089maths 290 | 291 | **Rule 404A**: If a page is not found, then the entire site|Internet is down. 292 | 293 | **Rule 404B**: Online manuals will disappear without warning. Download a copy for yourself. - /u/MikeSchwab63 294 | 295 | 296 | #### Rule 600613: Used to go to websites instead of going directly. - /u/vballboss 297 | 298 | #### Rule Ferengi: Users want their problem fixed quickly. Bribes will ensure they will be. - /u/trro16p 299 | 300 | 301 | ***** 302 | # Users Will 303 | 304 | **Rule W1A**: If they do try to follow instructions, they will blame you if they screw up. - /u/KodaanUnstoppable 305 | 306 | #### Rule W2: No matter how much skill and knowledge and experience you have, users will claim that they know more than you. - /u/morriscox 307 | 308 | #### Rule W3: Users will always try to talk with your manager. - /u/onehand007 309 | 310 | **Rule W5A.1**: More often they are that one single thing. - /u/QuestorTapes 311 | 312 | **Rule W6A**: If the solution happens to work, the user thinks that they are now qualified for future issues. - /u/morriscox 313 | 314 | #### Rule W8: Users will forget their password (and often their username), even if it's their own name and written down next to them. - /u/Judge_of_Java 315 | 316 | #### Rule W10: Users will store important documents where they are supposed to be destroyed. The Recycle Bin, the Trash folder, the Deleted Items folders... - /u/morriscox 317 | 318 | **Rule W10A**: You will be blamed when things get deleted. - /u/Adventux 319 | 320 | **Rule W11A**: Users will often have one word or phrase such as "The Internet is down" for everything. /u/morriscox 321 | 322 | **Rule W11B**: People will think *any* piece of hardware is actually the computer, even a power strip. - /u/bwaatamelon 323 | 324 | #### Rule W14: Users will be certain that the laws of physics and the (current) limits of technology do not apply. - /u/FlyingSpaceLlama 325 | 326 | **Rule W14A**: Users will believe that anything in a movie that involves technology is real. - /u/morriscox 327 | 328 | #### Rule W15: Users will never think to use a search engine for answers to their questions. - /u/morriscox 329 | 330 | #### Rule W16: Users will use cheap equipment like surge protectors to protect their expensive equipment. - /u/OldPolishProverb 331 | 332 | #### Rule W17: Users will refuse to accept that anything involving computers isn't too difficult for them. - /u/whizzero0 333 | 334 | **Rule W17A**: Or give up at the slightest obstacle. 335 | 336 | #### Rule W18: Users will wait for days or weeks or months before seeking help. - /u/ZombieLHKWoof 337 | 338 | **Rule W18A**: Users will demand help at any hint of trouble. - /u/ZombieLHKWoof 339 | 340 | **Rule W18B**: The longer it takes to report it, the more urgent the user will claim that it is. - /u/ZombieLHKWoof 341 | 342 | **Rule W18D**: The problem has retroactively been your responsibility for the months or years the user never told you about it, not just for the 10 minutes since they did. - /u/Geminii27 343 | 344 | #### Rule W19: Users will believe that something that can only affect one device can affect others by their mere presence. - /u/morriscox 345 | 346 | #### Rule W20: Users will expect all devices to know that it is them. - /u/morriscox 347 | 348 | **Rule W20A**: Users will believe that anything that can connect to anything can completely control that thing. - /u/morriscox 349 | 350 | **Rule W20B**: Users will believe that one entity (a server or the cloud) controls all things digital, as well as time and space. - /u/FlyingSpaceLlama 351 | 352 | **Rule W21A**: Users believe there is a super secret DWIM (Do What I Mean) mode that all support people have access to but rudely refuse to use to resolve the user's issue. - /u/ecp001 353 | 354 | **Rule W23A**: They will plug it into your network. - /u/Geminii27 355 | 356 | **Rule W23B**: And demand you support it. - /u/Geminii27 357 | 358 | **Rule W23C**: While the DHCP server, and the rest of the network, crashes. - /u/XLWiz2k 359 | 360 | #### Rule W24: Users expect you to teach them stuff that they should have learned in school. - /u/morriscox 361 | 362 | **Rule W24A**: That users should have learned in primary school. - /u/unkiepunkie 363 | 364 | **Rule W26A**: They might not even be on the correct screen, page, website, or operating system. - /u/Adventux_MAYBE 365 | 366 | #### Rule W27: Users will click on things that say "Click Here!" or "Download Now" just because they think they are supposed to. - /u/putin_my_ass 367 | 368 | **Rule W27A**: Unless that "Click Here!" or "Download Now" button is the one they are actually supposed to click on. - /u/Manzabar 369 | 370 | #### Rule W28: Users will try to use their computer while you are working on it, especially if you are not present. - /u/Sine_Pi 371 | 372 | #### Rule W29: Users will claim that something can't be done, even if you are doing it. /u/morriscox 373 | 374 | **Rule W29B**: Despite all evidence to the contrary, users will insist that things having worked yesterday means they must also be working today. - /u/Geminii27 375 | 376 | **Rule W29C**: In fact, it always worked that way before, even if doing so would have been physically impossible. - /u/Geminii27 377 | 378 | #### Rule W31: Users expect to be rewarded for their mistakes. - /u/Macaveli54 379 | 380 | #### Rule W33: Users will claim to have credentials that they don't. - /u/Junkbunny 381 | 382 | #### Rule W34: Users will use jargon in an attempt to make it seem that they know what they are talking about. - /u/Junkbunny - /u/Beta_K 383 | 384 | **Rule W34A**: Users will make up their own jargon and expect you to understand it as though it was standard jargon everyone knows. - /u/oloryn 385 | 386 | #### Rule W36: Users will call you from anywhere, even in a speeding car about to go into a canyon. - /u/morriscox 387 | 388 | **Rule W36A**: Users will call from anywhere except in front of the equipment with the issue. - /u/Geminii27 389 | 390 | **Rule W38B**: Acknowledging the existence of a piece of equipment is equivalent to touching it and accepting responsibility for its 100% uptime, including coffee makers and Tamagotchis. - /u/ecp001 391 | 392 | #### Rule W39: Users will confuse a company with the products that they make. - /u/silent3 393 | 394 | **Rule W39A**: Users will confuse a company with products that it doesn't make. - /u/silent3 395 | 396 | #### Rule W46: Users wanting support for a phone will use that same phone to call you. - /u/Geminii27 397 | 398 | #### Rule W47: Corporate users will expect you, instead of their boss or training department, to train them on how to do their job. - /u/Geminii27 399 | 400 | #### Rule W48: Users will want you to do their job for them. - /u/Geminii27 401 | 402 | **Rule W48A**: And insist that it is, in fact, YOUR job, not theirs. /u/Geminii27 403 | 404 | #### Rule W55: Users will not know the phonetic alphabet, and will suggest the worst possible words. They will also refuse to use the ones you've previously used in the current conversation. - /u/Honest-Kruppe 405 | 406 | #### Rule W56: Users will believe every hoax. - /u/morriscox 407 | 408 | #### Rule W57: Users will turn things off and NOT back on again. - /u/jasapple 409 | 410 | #### Rule W58: Users will be certain that IT has infinite faster/shinier/better gear that they are keeping for themselves. - /u/Manzabar 411 | 412 | **Rule W58A**: The more they want that gear the less they need it. - /u/Frazzledragon 413 | 414 | #### Rule W62: Users will never read the manual. - /u/morriscox 415 | 416 | **Rule W62A**: Only those who know what RTFM means will do it. - /u/gromit1991 417 | 418 | **Rule W62B**: It doesn't matter how accessible you make the documentation, they won't consult it. - /u/lordriffington 419 | 420 | #### Rule W64: Users will expect everything to work without power. - /u/Capt_Blackmoore 421 | 422 | **Rule W64A**: Users will not realize that they need power. - /u/jew_fro_23 423 | 424 | **Rule W64B**: Users will think that the Internet/network powers their devices. - /u/MotherMkfker 425 | 426 | #### Rule W65: People will ask you for help with anything that uses electricity. - morriscox 427 | 428 | **Rule W65A**: Or anything that doesn't. - /u/FlyingSpaceLlama 429 | 430 | #### Rule W66: Users will complain about the cost of free software. - /u/morriscox 431 | 432 | #### Rule W67: Users already have a certificate of proficiency in computering. - /u/SomeGuy8010 433 | 434 | #### Rule W68: Users will do things other than what they have been asked to do. - /u/Majahzi 435 | 436 | #### Rule W69: Users will think that if it works on their computer then it will work on yours. - /u/m31td0wn 437 | 438 | #### Rule W70: Users will think that you can make hardware changes over the phone/Internet. - /u/Ars-Torok 439 | 440 | **Rule W70A**: Users will believe that techo-kinesis exists. - /u/bachennoir 441 | 442 | #### Rule W71: Users will complain if they are inconvenienced, even if you go out of your way to help them. /u/Daihatschi 443 | 444 | #### Rule W72: Users will use search engines to find other search engines. - /u/morriscox, 445 | 446 | #### Rule W73: Users will create and rename a new document thinking that will retrieve the contents of the old document that they had deleted. - /u/GoodDave 447 | 448 | #### Rule W74: If there is more than one button, users will instantly click on the first button without reading. If there is only one button, they will stop and ask what to do. - (deleted) 449 | 450 | #### Rule W75: Users will think that logging out is the same as rebooting. - /u/CrazyNerd91 451 | 452 | #### Rule W76: Users will insist on being ignorant, or claim that they are. - /u/themcp 453 | 454 | **Rule W76A**: Since they don't want to be held responsible for their actions. - /u/themcp 455 | 456 | #### Rule W77: Users will flirt with you to get you to do things for them. - /u/SpecificallyGeneral 457 | 458 | #### Rule W78: Users will insist on you going outside the scope of your job and threaten to have you fired if you don't. - /u/morriscox 459 | 460 | #### Rule W79: Users will unplug things or plug them in in the incorrect place. - /u/insanitychasesme 461 | 462 | **Rule W79A**: Users will unplug the UPS so they can plug in their coffee maker or space heater. - /u/APsWhoopinRoom, /u/RedditVince 463 | 464 | **Rule W79B**: Users will plug everything into a surge protector and ignore the UPS. - /u/r_golan_trevize 465 | 466 | **Rule W79C**: Users will plug heavy duty equipment into your UPS. - /u/706union 467 | 468 | #### Rule W80: Users will turn off alarms or anything that makes alarm sounds. - /u/Manodactyl 469 | 470 | #### Rule W81: Users will think that your software/setup is responsible for any issues they face. - /u/ContentBug2 471 | 472 | #### Rule W82: Users will think that if one thing works then everything else will. - /u/ContentBug2 473 | 474 | #### Rule W83: Users will ask you questions about things that you didn't even know existed. /u/JAJohnson324 475 | 476 | #### Rule W84: Users will mash buttons until errors go away. - /u/ozzie286 477 | 478 | #### Rule W85: Users will not give you the entire error code or message. - /surlydev/ 479 | 480 | #### Rule W85A: And/Or ramble on about other things. - /u/MadIIILeet 481 | 482 | #### W86: Users will refuse to troubleshoot, because it takes too much time. - /u/Frazzledragon 483 | 484 | **Rule W86A**: Users will then complain about being unable to work for an even longer time. - /u/Frazzledragon 485 | 486 | #### Rule W87: Users will simply click "Yes" or "OK" to anything that pops up on their screen without bothering to read it or understand what they are clicking. - /u/Marc_NJ 487 | 488 | **Rule W87A**: Or will close anything that pops up on their screen without bothering to read it or understand it. - /u/Marc_NJ 489 | 490 | **Rule W87B**: Users will do this even when you are helping them in-person or remotely and needed to have read or seen what they just clicked. - /u/Marc_NJ 491 | 492 | #### Rule W88: Users will not even let you get to your desk or have lunch. /u/TheNiceDaniels 493 | 494 | **Rule W88A**: They will think you are late no matter how early you show up. /u/itsehsreve 495 | 496 | #### Rule W89: Users will turn off their computer while you are working on it. - /uIAmAUser4Real 497 | 498 | **Rule W89A**: Even if you tell them not to. - /u/morriscox 499 | 500 | #### Rule W90: Uses will do everything to avoid submitting a support ticket. - /u/sheeproomer 501 | 502 | **Rule W90A**: They will spend more time writing a long detailed email to your boss than filling out a support ticket. - /u/Few-Tart_7348 503 | 504 | **Rule W90B**: You will be summoned by your boss, who didn't read more than two lines, to explain that email. - /u/sheeproomer 505 | 506 | **Rule W90C**: This will be the first time that you will have been told about any problems. - /u/Rathmun 507 | 508 | **Rule W90D**: If they do submit a ticket, it will be as vague as possible and will be missing critical information. - /u/archa1c0236 509 | 510 | **Rule W90E**: Attempts to obtain the information will be ignored, turning a five minute fix into something than can take long periods of time. - /u/archa1c0236 511 | 512 | **Rule W90F**: After noting multiple attempts at contact and closing the ticket, following procedure, the user will reopen the ticket or make a new ticket and complain that you didn’t contact them or fix their problem. - /u/BastPriestess 513 | 514 | **Rule W90G**: User will log a ticket minutes before going on vacation, claim it is for one week long, actually be on vacation for at least two weeks, and then ask why this wasn't fixed while they were gone. - /u/physc65 515 | 516 | #### Rule W91: Users will casually tell IT about a problem when the tech is working on something else. - /u/BastPriestness 517 | 518 | **Rule W91A**: This has been happening for a long time. - /u/BastPriestness 519 | 520 | **Rule W91B**: Multiple people have been having this problem yet no one has bothered to tell anyone. See *Rule W90C*. - /u/BastPriestness 521 | 522 | **Rule W91C**: They won't even bother telling you, just complain to each other within earshot. - /u/Boryce 523 | 524 | #### Rule W92: Users will use you as a scapegoat. - /u/SeanBZA 525 | 526 | #### Rule W93: Users will use screenshots to submit error codes but leave out critical information. - /u/rdrunner_74 527 | 528 | #### Rule W94: Users will unable to take screenshots in time if allowed to. - /u/Mysterious_Peak_6967 529 | 530 | #### Rule W95: Users will submit tickets on Friday at 4:50PM and go home. - /u/DeadEyedAdmin 531 | 532 | **Rule W95A**: Users will duplicate the ticket on Monday at 9:10AM. - /u/DeadEyedAdmin 533 | 534 | **Rule W95B**: Users will think 76 hours have passed between these requests. - /u/DeadEyedAdmin 535 | 536 | **Rule W95C**: Techs will know that only 20 minutes has gone by between these requests. - /u/DeadEyedAdmin 537 | 538 | #### Rule W96 - Users will expect you to be reachable 24 hours a day, every day of the year.- /u/DoctorOctagonapus 539 | 540 | **Rule W96A** - Users will expect you to treat their forgotten password on a Saturday night as priority one.- /u/DoctorOctagonapus 541 | 542 | **Rule W96B** - Users will always call you directly, even when you are not on call.- /u/DoctorOctagonapus 543 | 544 | 545 | **Rule W97** - Users will throw away important stuff because they think it's not important. - /u/ammit_souleater 546 | 547 | ***** 548 | # Techs 549 | 550 | #### Rule T1: CYA 551 | 552 | **Rule T1A**: Always have someone else to blame it on. - /u/cokronk 553 | 554 | #### Rule T2: Never lie to another tech. - /u/GenericUserLogon, /u/morriscox 555 | 556 | **Rule T2A**: Unless that tech is the person you're about to blame. See *Rule T1A* and *Rule T25*. - /u/Mistral_Mobius 557 | 558 | **Rule T2B**: Sometimes you will need to lie in order to deal with things like warranty repairs or getting ISPs to do the right thing. - /u/sirblastalot 559 | 560 | **Rule T3B**: Is it even plugged in? - /u/Liamzee 561 | 562 | **Rule T3C**: Is it turned on? - /u/WirelessyWired 563 | 564 | #### Rule T6: Don't try to do work over the Internet while in a moving airplane. - /u/dmehaffy 565 | 566 | #### Rule T7: Never call support with your cellphone if you can help it. Otherwise, you won't be able to drop the problem in someone else's lap. - /u/Kaoshund 567 | 568 | #### Rule T8: You will really screw up eventually and it is going to be a doozy. - /u/morriscox 569 | 570 | #### Rule T9: Backup following the Rule of Three. A backup, a copy of the backup, and a copy of the copy. Test them. - /u/morriscox 571 | 572 | **Rule T9A**: Consider using other backup strategies. 573 | 574 | **Rule T9C**: If you can't restore from it, you don't have a backup. - /u/Alkalannar 575 | 576 | **Rule T9D**: If you haven't tested your backup recently, you don't have a backup. - /u/CyberKnight1 577 | 578 | **Rule T9E**: A year ago is not "recently". - /u/CyberKnight1 579 | 580 | #### Rule T10: Assume that there are also inside threats, even inside IT. It's not paranoia if they really are after you (or your stuff). - /u/morriscox 581 | 582 | **Rule T10B**: Don't even trust yourself. One error and you might cause serious damage or become a security leak. - /u/morriscox 583 | 584 | **Rule T10C**: The new member on your team will send critical sensitive information to anyone who asks without trying to do any verification. - /u/PM_me_your_recipes 585 | 586 | **Rule T11A**: Whenever you have a problem, you will be unable to find a solution until just before the tech you called for help arrives. - /u/Play3er2 587 | 588 | **Rule T11C**: If none of these apply, the solution will be something random that will make no sense whatsoever to you or the technician. - /u/mandichaos 589 | 590 | #### Rule T12: Every tech has their own set of Rules, even if they don't know it. - /u/kanuut 591 | 592 | **Rule T13A**: Techs will treat you like you are a user. - /u/morriscox 593 | 594 | #### Rule T15: No technical person reads all of the rules. They will act like they know them until the place catches fire, then complain about incomplete documentation. - /u/galkardm 595 | 596 | **Rule T15A**: Especially if it was the documentation that went up in flames first. - /u/Manzabar 597 | 598 | #### Rule T16: Womprats aren't much larger than two meters. - /u/Geminii27 599 | 600 | #### Rule T17: Third-Party IT will make configuration overhauls without notifying your company's IT department, and then blame your company for problems caused by their configuration mishap. - /u/SomeGuy8010 601 | 602 | #### Rule T18: You are incompetent. You just don't know it. At least, that's what your replacement will think. - /u/morriscox 603 | 604 | **Rule T18A**: The tech that you replaced was incompetent and you have a huge mess that will take months to fix. - /u/morriscox 605 | 606 | **Rule T18B**: You will have to deal with techs who are incompetent. - /u/morriscox 607 | 608 | **Rule T18C**: Sometimes, you really are incompetent. - /u/morriscox 609 | 610 | #### Rule T21: Use your inner laziness to do the most elegant solution possible. - /u/Alkalannar 611 | 612 | **Rule T21A**: Know the difference betweeen "truly lazy" and "plain laziness". - /u/Adventux 613 | 614 | #### Rule T22: If nothing seems to work, reboot. - /u/The_MAZZTer 615 | 616 | #### Rule T24: Other techs will never read the manual. - /u/morriscox 617 | 618 | **Rule T24A**: Neither will you. - /u/morriscox 619 | 620 | #### Rule T25 - Your fellow techs will expect you to be their tech support. /u/AWetYeti 621 | 622 | ### Rule T26 - A tech will install equipment in dangerous environments. 623 | 624 | ### Rule T27 - Third part IT will remove equipment and not tell you or the user. - /u/Baldussimo 625 | 626 | ### Rule T28 - The biggest enemy of good IT is that they are outnumbered by lazy IT. - /u/Ims0c0nfus3d 627 | 628 | ### Rule T29 - Grow a beard so that people don't recognize you. - /u/Slightlyevolved 629 | 630 | **Rule T568A**: white green, green, white orange, blue, white blue, orange, white brown, brown - /u/ABCDwp 631 | 632 | **Rule T568B**: white orange, orange, white green, blue, white blue, green, white brown, brown - /u/polprog 633 | 634 | #### Rule T1000: Buy stock in Boston Dynamics but sell all of it before 2029. - (deleted) 635 | ***** 636 | # Management 637 | 638 | #### Rule M1: Management might find these rules. Plead ignorance. - /u/morriscox 639 | 640 | #### Rule M3: Management will order stuff they have no clue about. - /u/techtornado 641 | 642 | **Rule M3A**: Management will expect the thing they bought to work perfectly out of the box. - /u/techtornado 643 | 644 | **Rule M3B**: You will be blamed when it doesn't work. - /u/techtornado, /u/Adventux 645 | 646 | **Rule M3C**: Especially when this is the first you are learning of this item even existing. - /u/BastPriestess 647 | 648 | #### Rule M4: Management will be puzzled as to why you have no clue about the thing they have no clue about... - /u/techtornado 649 | 650 | #### Rule M5: Management will expect you to be up to speed on their under the table projects, with decisions based only on what the salesman says, without consulting IT. - /u/techtornado 651 | 652 | #### Rule M6: Your boss will not have a tech background or a degree in your field. - /u/morriscox 653 | 654 | #### Rule M7: Management will present impossible tasks to be done. - (deleted) 655 | 656 | **Rule M7A**: Management will then become outraged that said tasks were not completed. - (deleted) 657 | 658 | **Rule M8A**: Even if the equipment is not IT related. - /u/BastPriestess 659 | 660 | **Rule M8B**: Even if the equipment is IT related but is property of a third-party and thus their responsibility. - /u/BastPriestess 661 | 662 | #### Rule M13: Do not, in any circumstances, send private *anything* via email. Especially if you're the CEO. - /u/Eemo1 663 | 664 | #### Rule M14: You will never get interviewed by anyone who will actually understand your answers. - /u/morriscox 665 | 666 | #### Rule M15: Management will give you a budget of zero dollars and expect you to work miracles. - /u/omglolbah 667 | 668 | **Rule M15A**: “Boss paralysis” happens when they ask you a question that needs a numeric answer, and they become catatonic until you say a number. Failing to recognize the nature of this condition may result in you having a budget of $911. - /u/wolfie379 669 | 670 | #### Rule M16: Management never wants to pay to upgrade anything. - /u/morriscox 671 | 672 | **Rule M16A**: Unless it's for management. - /u/morriscox 673 | 674 | #### Rule M17: Managers might fire you for going outside the scope of your job. - /u/JAJohnson324 675 | 676 | **Rule M17A**: Managers will tell you to go outside the scope of your job, even if you don't report to them. - /u/morriscox 677 | 678 | **Rule M17B**: Users will insist on you going outside the scope of your job and threaten to have you fired if you don't. - /u/morriscox 679 | 680 | #### Rule M19: Management only cares about productivity that is reported. - /u/ThrowableHotPotato 681 | 682 | **Rule M19A**: Find out what figure they think is the most important and focus your efforts on that. - /u/226506193 683 | 684 | #### Rule M20: Management will have you do their job for them. - /u/kanakamaoli 685 | 686 | #### Rule M21: Management will take away your tools and expect you to use the same equipment as every one else and yet expect you to do your job anyway. - /u/u/LowBudgetViking 687 | 688 | #### Rule M22: Being a tech in management doesn't make you exempt from the Rules, even *Rule M1* (when it comes to dealing with upper management). - /u/morriscox 689 | 690 | #### Rule M23: Management will tell you to do someone else's job but only give credit to them. - /u/morriscox 691 | 692 | #### Rule M24: Management (and coworkers) will treat the help better than they treat you. - /u/Shurikane 693 | 694 | #### Rule M25: The OSI model has layer 8 (user) and layer 9 (management). - /u/Dirty_Socks 695 | 696 | #### Rule M26: Managers often have a checklist, which no one else will care about. - /u/OldGreyTroll 697 | 698 | #### Rule M27: Managers will ask you to do something that is stupid/expensive/won’t work. - /u/BastPriestess 699 | 700 | Rule **M27A**: When they do, always ask for it in writing to CYA. - /u/BastPriestess 701 | 702 | Rule **M27B**: If they give it in writing, send a copy to your personal e-mail address. - /u/BastPriestess 703 | 704 | #### Rule M28: Buzzwords rule all decisions. - /u/TechnoJoeHouston 705 | 706 | 707 | #### Rule MAN: Who your manager is likely to be. - /u/morriscox 708 | 709 | ***** 710 | # Mantras 711 | 712 | ##### OM1: Mentat Mantra (Dune modified) 713 | It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion. 714 | It is by the beans of Java the thoughts acquire speed. 715 | The hands acquire shaking. 716 | The shaking becomes a warning. 717 | It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion. /u/trro19p 718 | 719 | #### OM2: We the willing, led by the unknowing 720 | Did the impossible for the ungrateful 721 | We have done so much for so long with so little 722 | That we can now do anything with nothing. - /u/Curt451 723 | 724 | ----- 725 | # Phrases 726 | 727 | #### Phrase P3: "Unplug it and plug it back in again." - /u/Merkuri22 728 | 729 | #### Phrase P4: "While you're here..." - /u/Birdbraned 730 | 731 | #### Phrase P5: "We did something on our end and you need to restart for it to take effect." - /u/joshadm 732 | 733 | #### Phrase P6: "Humor me." - /u/morriscox 734 | 735 | #### Phrase P7: "Try it again." - /u/morriscox 736 | 737 | --------------------------------------------------------------------------------