├── .gitignore ├── Gemfile ├── Gemfile.lock ├── README.md ├── lib ├── test.rb └── test_variant.rb ├── test_helper.rb └── tests ├── explicit_parsing.rb ├── fizzbuzz.rb ├── instantiation_big.rb ├── instantiation_huge.rb ├── instantiation_medium.rb ├── instantiation_small.rb ├── instantiation_tiny.rb ├── single_concat_vs_double_interp.rb └── test.rb /.gitignore: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1 | .DS_Store 2 | .ruby-version 3 | -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- /Gemfile: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1 | ruby '2.2.0' 2 | 3 | source 'https://rubygems.org' 4 | 5 | gem 'descriptive_statistics' 6 | gem 'statsample' 7 | -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- /Gemfile.lock: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1 | GEM 2 | remote: https://rubygems.org/ 3 | specs: 4 | clbustos-rtf (0.4.2) 5 | descriptive_statistics (2.5.1) 6 | dirty-memoize (0.0.4) 7 | distribution (0.7.1) 8 | extendmatrix (0.3.1) 9 | fastercsv (1.5.5) 10 | minimization (0.2.1) 11 | text-table (~> 1.2) 12 | prawn (0.8.4) 13 | prawn-core (>= 0.8.4, < 0.9) 14 | prawn-core (>= 0.8.4, < 0.9) 15 | prawn-layout (>= 0.8.4, < 0.9) 16 | prawn-layout (>= 0.8.4, < 0.9) 17 | prawn-security (>= 0.8.4, < 0.9) 18 | prawn-security (>= 0.8.4, < 0.9) 19 | prawn-core (0.8.4) 20 | prawn-layout (0.8.4) 21 | prawn-security (0.8.4) 22 | prawn-svg (0.9.1.11) 23 | prawn (>= 0.8.4) 24 | reportbuilder (1.4.2) 25 | clbustos-rtf (~> 0.4.0) 26 | prawn (~> 0.8.4) 27 | prawn-svg (~> 0.9.1) 28 | text-table (~> 1.2) 29 | rserve-client (0.3.1) 30 | ruby-ole (1.2.11.8) 31 | rubyvis (0.6.1) 32 | spreadsheet (0.9.9) 33 | ruby-ole (>= 1.0) 34 | statsample (1.4.0) 35 | dirty-memoize (~> 0.0) 36 | distribution 37 | extendmatrix (~> 0.3.1) 38 | fastercsv (> 0) 39 | minimization (~> 0.2.0) 40 | reportbuilder (~> 1.4) 41 | rserve-client 42 | rubyvis 43 | spreadsheet (~> 0.6) 44 | statsample-bivariate-extension (> 0) 45 | statsample-bivariate-extension (1.1.0) 46 | distribution (~> 0.6) 47 | text-table (1.2.3) 48 | 49 | PLATFORMS 50 | ruby 51 | 52 | DEPENDENCIES 53 | descriptive_statistics 54 | statsample 55 | -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- /README.md: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1 | # Ruby String Showdown 2 | ## What is this? 3 | This repository contains a test harness for A/B testing Ruby code performance as well as a number of tests comparing the performance of double vs single quoted strings. 4 | 5 | ## How to run the tests 6 | ### Prerequisites: 7 | - Ruby (This was built on Ruby version 2.2.0, but other versions should work fine.) 8 | - Bundler (`gem install bundler` will do the trick.) 9 | 10 | ### Instructions 11 | Clone the repository 12 | 13 | `git clone git@github.com:vigetlabs/ruby-string-showdown.git` 14 | 15 | Move into the directory 16 | 17 | `cd ruby-string-showdown` 18 | 19 | Install dependencies 20 | 21 | `bundle install` 22 | 23 | Run the tests 24 | 25 | `ruby tests/fizzbuzz.rb` 26 | 27 | ## How to write your own test 28 | Follow the installation instructions above. 29 | 30 | Make a new file within the `tests` directory. 31 | 32 | Require the `test_helper.rb` file. 33 | ```ruby 34 | require_relative "../test_helper" 35 | ``` 36 | 37 | Then instantiate a test providing a name for the test and the number of times the test variants should be executed. 38 | ```ruby 39 | test = Test.new("My Cool Test", runs: 42) 40 | ``` 41 | 42 | Then add your variants to test, providing a name to identify the variant, and a block of code whose performance you would like to measure. 43 | ```ruby 44 | test.add_variant("Version A") do 45 | woodchuck.chuck_capacity if woodchuck.could_chuck?(:wood) 46 | end 47 | ``` 48 | 49 | After adding your variants, print a performance statistics report to STDOUT via: `test.report` 50 | -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- /lib/test.rb: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1 | class Test 2 | def initialize(name, options = {}) 3 | @name = name 4 | @variants = {} 5 | @runs = options.fetch(:runs, 1) 6 | @results = {} 7 | end 8 | 9 | def add_variant(name, &operation) 10 | variants[name] = TestVariant.new(name, operation) 11 | end 12 | 13 | def report 14 | puts "#{name} Test" 15 | puts "Running tests..." 16 | run 17 | puts "Tests complete. Results:" 18 | 19 | if variants.size == 2 20 | puts ttest.summary 21 | else 22 | if variants.size > 2 23 | puts "Skipping T-Test because there are more than two test variants. An ANOVA is recommended instead, but is not yet implemented here." 24 | else 25 | puts "Skipping T-Test because there is only one test variant." 26 | end 27 | 28 | variants.each do |name, variant| 29 | puts "#{name} | Mean: #{variant.results.mean}, Median: #{variant.results.median}, Std Dev: #{variant.results.standard_deviation}" 30 | end 31 | end 32 | end 33 | 34 | private 35 | 36 | def result_vectors 37 | result_vectors ||= variants.first(2).map do |name, variant| 38 | variant.results_vector 39 | end 40 | end 41 | 42 | def ttest 43 | @ttest ||= Statsample::Test::T::TwoSamplesIndependent.new(*result_vectors, name: "Variant T-Test") 44 | end 45 | 46 | def run 47 | runs.times do |n| 48 | print " #{n} of #{runs}\r" 49 | 50 | variants.map{|_,v|v}.shuffle.each do |variant| 51 | variant.results << variant.run.utime 52 | end 53 | end 54 | end 55 | 56 | 57 | attr_reader :name, :runs, :variants 58 | end 59 | -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- /lib/test_variant.rb: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1 | class TestVariant 2 | include Enumerable 3 | 4 | attr_reader :name, :results 5 | 6 | def initialize(name, operation) 7 | @name = name 8 | @operation = operation 9 | @results = [] 10 | end 11 | 12 | def results_vector 13 | @results_vector ||= results.to_scale(name: name) 14 | end 15 | 16 | def run 17 | redirecting_stdout do 18 | Benchmark.measure { operation.call } 19 | end 20 | end 21 | 22 | private 23 | 24 | def redirecting_stdout 25 | prev_stdout = $stdout.clone 26 | $stdout.reopen(File.new("/dev/null", "w")) 27 | yield 28 | ensure 29 | $stdout.reopen(prev_stdout) 30 | end 31 | 32 | attr_reader :operation 33 | end 34 | -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- /test_helper.rb: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1 | require "benchmark" 2 | require "descriptive_statistics" 3 | require "statsample" 4 | 5 | require_relative "./lib/test_variant" 6 | require_relative "./lib/test" 7 | -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- /tests/explicit_parsing.rb: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1 | require_relative "../test_helper" 2 | 3 | test = Test.new("Single vs Double Quoted Strings (Explicit Parsing)", runs: 100) 4 | 5 | test.add_variant "Single Quoted" do 6 | 100000.times do 7 | eval <<-such_parsing 8 | 'abc' 9 | such_parsing 10 | end 11 | end 12 | 13 | test.add_variant "Double Quoted" do 14 | 100000.times do 15 | eval <<-such_parsing 16 | "abc" 17 | such_parsing 18 | end 19 | end 20 | 21 | test.report 22 | 23 | # Results: https://s3.amazonaws.com/kurtzkloud.com/ss/Screen_Shot_2015-01-22_at_09.12.28.png 24 | -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- /tests/fizzbuzz.rb: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1 | require_relative "../test_helper" 2 | 3 | test = Test.new("Single vs Double Quoted Strings (FizzBuzz)", runs: 100) 4 | 5 | test.add_variant "Single Quoted" do 6 | 100000.times do |n| 7 | string = '' 8 | string << 'Fizz' if n % 3 == 0 9 | string << 'Buzz' if n % 5 == 0 10 | puts string.empty? ? n : string 11 | end 12 | end 13 | 14 | test.add_variant "Double Quoted" do 15 | 100000.times do |n| 16 | string = "" 17 | string << "Fizz" if n % 3 == 0 18 | string << "Buzz" if n % 5 == 0 19 | puts string.empty? ? n : string 20 | end 21 | end 22 | 23 | test.report 24 | 25 | # Results: https://s3.amazonaws.com/kurtzkloud.com/ss/Screen_Shot_2015-01-12_at_11.03.33.png 26 | -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- /tests/instantiation_big.rb: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1 | require_relative "../test_helper" 2 | 3 | test = Test.new("Single vs Double Quoted Strings (Big Instantiation)", runs: 100) 4 | 5 | test.add_variant "Single Quoted" do 6 | 1000000.times do 7 | 'abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz' 8 | end 9 | end 10 | 11 | test.add_variant "Double Quoted" do 12 | 1000000.times do 13 | "abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz" 14 | end 15 | end 16 | 17 | test.report 18 | 19 | # Results: https://s3.amazonaws.com/kurtzkloud.com/ss/Screen_Shot_2015-01-12_at_14.35.50.png 20 | -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- /tests/instantiation_huge.rb: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1 | require_relative "../test_helper" 2 | 3 | test = Test.new("Single vs Double Quoted Strings (Huge Instantiation)", runs: 100) 4 | 5 | test.add_variant "Single Quoted" do 6 | 1000000.times do 7 | 'There is one all-time greatest moment in the history of sports, 8 | 9 | and it happened in the 1932 World Series. 10 | 11 | The story goes that in the bottom of the ninth inning with two outs, 12 | 13 | a full count and the tying run on base, 14 | 15 | Babe Ruth raised his arm and pointed to the center field bleachers. 16 | 17 | No one believed it, because nobody had ever done it before. 18 | 19 | But The Babe was calling his shot. 20 | 21 | On the next pitch, the Great Bambino hit a towering home run. 22 | 23 | And even although he\'d been a hero before that, 24 | 25 | that\'s pretty much how he became a legend. 26 | 27 | Thirty years later, a kid named Benjamin Franklin Rodriguez... 28 | 29 | became a neighborhood legend. 30 | 31 | It was in the greatest summer of my life... 32 | 33 | when he taught me to play baseball, 34 | 35 | and he became my best friend. 36 | 37 | And he got me out of the biggest pickle I\'d ever be in. 38 | 39 | [\'50s Rock] 40 | 41 | It\'s finger poppin\' 42 | 43 | Poppin\' time 44 | 45 | I feel so good 46 | 47 | And that\'s a real good sign 48 | 49 | [ Kids Shouting ] 50 | 51 | Here comes Mary Here comes Sue 52 | 53 | Here comes Johnny and Bobby too 54 | 55 | It\'s finger pop 56 | 57 | Poppin\' time 58 | 59 | I feel so good 60 | 61 | - And that\'s a real good sign - Go! Go! Go! 62 | 63 | [ Shouting Continues ] 64 | 65 | I feel so good 66 | 67 | And that\'s a real good sign 68 | 69 | [ Snapping Fingers ] 70 | 71 | Come over at : . 72 | 73 | All right. See you later. 74 | 75 | I moved to the neighborhood two weeks before school let out. 76 | 77 | It was the same summer that Dodger Maury Wills would break the stolen bases record. 78 | 79 | It was the same summer that Dodger Maury Wills would break the stolen bases record. 80 | 81 | So with something that incredible going on, 82 | 83 | it should\'ve started off with loads of great things happening for me, 84 | 85 | but it didn\'t. 86 | 87 | I was from another state, and I didn\'t have a single friend in a thousand miles. 88 | 89 | It was a lousy way to end up the fifth grade, 90 | 91 | \'cause I had zip time to make friends before summer. 92 | 93 | And that\'s about where it all started. 94 | 95 | My real dad died when I was just a little kid. 96 | 97 | My mom had married Bill about a year before we moved to the Valley. 98 | 99 | At the time, he and I were still getting used to each other. 100 | 101 | - [ Knocking ] - Yeah. 102 | 103 | - Um, Dad? - Mm-hm m? 104 | 105 | I -I mean Bill. 106 | 107 | - Remember you-- you promised you\'d teach me to play catch? - Mm-hmm. 108 | 109 | Um, 110 | 111 | w-well, could you teach me? 112 | 113 | Yeah. Sure. 114 | 115 | Okay. 116 | 117 | - Okay? - Thanks. 118 | 119 | Sorry. 120 | 121 | [Man Narrating] I\'d followed them to the sandlot once after school. 122 | 123 | - I\'d never seen any place like it. - [ Boys Shouting ] 124 | 125 | It was like their own little baseball kingdom or something. 126 | 127 | It was the greatest place I\'d ever seen anyway. 128 | 129 | - Bertram. - But they were good, 130 | 131 | - real good. - Come on, Bertram! 132 | 133 | And all I had was a plastic toy mitt that my grandmother gave me... 134 | 135 | for my birthday when I was six. 136 | 137 | But when I finally got up enough guts to go out there and try and make friends, 138 | 139 | I found out that they never kept score, they never chose sides, 140 | 141 | they never even really stopped playing the game. 142 | 143 | It just went on forever. Every day they picked up where they left off the day before. 144 | 145 | - It was like an endless dream game. - Come on! Come on! 146 | 147 | There was only eight of them, so they didn\'t have a whole team. 148 | 149 | So even though I didn\'t know how to play, I figured I could be the ninth man... 150 | 151 | and maybe just stand in the outfield somewhere and take up space. 152 | 153 | - Squints! - Of course, if I\'d have known what was gonna happen when I got there, 154 | 155 | - I got it! - I probably never would\'ve gone. 156 | 157 | - Nice catch. - Yeah. 158 | 159 | - Come on! - [ Rustling ] 160 | 161 | [ Dog Barking ] 162 | 163 | [ Clattering, Banging ] 164 | 165 | [ Growling ] 166 | 167 | Come on, Benny, hit a homer! 168 | 169 | - Come on! - Hey, batter, batter, batter! 170 | 171 | - Whoa! - Watch out! 172 | 173 | [ Boys Shouting ] 174 | 175 | - [ Screams ] - [ All Laughing ] 176 | 177 | Okay, I\'ll get it! Get it. 178 | 179 | Don\'t be a goofus. Don\'t be a goofus! Don\'t be a goofus! 180 | 181 | [Rumbling Sound, Dog Growling] 182 | 183 | - Throw the ball back! Come on! - Yeah, hurry up! 184 | 185 | [Barking] 186 | 187 | We are waiting! 188 | 189 | Come on! Throw it! 190 | 191 | [Boys Shouting] 192 | 193 | [ Shouting Continues ] 194 | 195 | - Come on, toss me the ball! - Come on! 196 | 197 | Come on! 198 | 199 | [ Boys Laughing ] 200 | 201 | - Oh, my God! - [ Laughing Continues ] 202 | 203 | My life\'s over. 204 | 205 | Did you see that hand? 206 | 207 | [Boys Chattering, Laughing] 208 | 209 | [Man Narrating] If it wasn\'t for Benny, 210 | 211 | I never would\'ve made a single friend that summer, 212 | 213 | \'cause all the rest of those guys thought I was a lost cause. 214 | 215 | - Even before we became friends, - [ Mechanical Whirring ] 216 | 217 | Benny and me were connected, connected for the one moment later that summer... 218 | 219 | when I\'d get us all into the biggest pickle... 220 | 221 | any of us had ever seen. 222 | 223 | [ Knocking ] 224 | 225 | Night, hon. [ Grunts ] 226 | 227 | Oh, I\'m sorry, Mom. It was an accident. 228 | 229 | Scotty, have you made any friends yet? 230 | 231 | - No. - Why not, honey? 232 | 233 | \'Cause I\'m still new. 234 | 235 | I don\'t want you sitting around in here all summer fiddling with this stuff... 236 | 237 | like you did last summer and the one before. 238 | 239 | I know you\'re smart, and I\'m proud of you. 240 | 241 | I want you to get out into the fresh air and make some friends. 242 | 243 | Run around, scrape your knees, get dirty. 244 | 245 | Climb trees, hop fences. 246 | 247 | Get into trouble, for crying out loud. 248 | 249 | Not too much, but some. You have my permission. 250 | 251 | How many mothers do you know who say something like that to their sons? 252 | 253 | [ Chuckles ] Well, none mothers, I guess. 254 | 255 | Honey, I want you to make some friends this summer. Lots of them. 256 | 257 | Yeah, I know. 258 | 259 | But I\'m not good at anything, Mom. 260 | 261 | Face it, I\'m just an egghead. 262 | 263 | Honey, you\'ll always be just an egghead with an attitude like that. 264 | 265 | [TV: Indistinct] 266 | 267 | [ Whispering ] Well? 268 | 269 | Well? 270 | 271 | - He\'s too busy, Mom. - Oh, no, honey, he\'s not. He has some time. 272 | 273 | You go on back out there and ask him. 274 | 275 | [TV Continues ] 276 | 277 | - Uh, Bill, uh-- - Yeah? 278 | 279 | I mean, Dad, uh, can we-- 280 | 281 | I mean, could you, like you said, teach me to play catch? 282 | 283 | Yeah. Sure. 284 | 285 | But I gotta get this done, okay? 286 | 287 | - Okay, thanks. - All right. 288 | 289 | - Bill? - Yeah? 290 | 291 | Uh, couldn\'t you take a break and teach him now? 292 | 293 | - Mom, it\'s okay, really. - Honey, 294 | 295 | I said I would, and I will, but I\'m under the gun here. 296 | 297 | How long could it take? 298 | 299 | Can\'t you spare half an hour and show him now? 300 | 301 | - Mom, really, it\'s okay. - All right. 302 | 303 | Okay. I\'ll get my glove. 304 | 305 | See? I told you. 306 | 307 | Oh, great. 308 | 309 | All right, Scotty, get down to that end of the yard. 310 | 311 | Okay. 312 | 313 | Now, the key to this game is keeping your eye on the ball. 314 | 315 | No matter whether you\'re in the field or at bat, eye on the ball, okay? 316 | 317 | All right. Uh, yeah. I think so. 318 | 319 | Where the ball goes, your glove should go. Got it? 320 | 321 | Okay. 322 | 323 | Okay. All right. 324 | 325 | [ Grunts ] 326 | 327 | Darn. Sorry. 328 | 329 | It\'s all right. All right. 330 | 331 | Um-- Uh, here. 332 | 333 | Okay. 334 | 335 | Okay, I\'m ready. 336 | 337 | Eye on the ball, okay? Got it? 338 | 339 | Okay. 340 | 341 | If the ball moves, move your glove. Got it? 342 | 343 | Yeah. 344 | 345 | All right. Here we go. 346 | 347 | Okay. You just need a bigger glove. Throw it back to me this time. 348 | 349 | Throw it back. 350 | 351 | Okay. Scotty, keep your eye on the ball. 352 | 353 | Okay. Got it. 354 | 355 | Okay. 356 | 357 | Ow! Oh, my eye! 358 | 359 | Ow! Ow! Oh! 360 | 361 | Ow! Ow! 362 | 363 | - What happened? - [ Groans ] My eye. 364 | 365 | - Honey, get some ice. Ice. - No, I got it. 366 | 367 | - Here you go. - Those were for dinner. 368 | 369 | - Oh! -Just hold it up there. 370 | 371 | Nice and hard. Press it against-- Yeah. 372 | 373 | - I just took my eye off the ball, Mom. - Yeah, but you caught it. 374 | 375 | - [Groaning] -Just keep that on for, like, an hour. 376 | 377 | It\'ll still be black, but it won\'t swell. 378 | 379 | Sorry. 380 | 381 | Gotta watch out for that curve. 382 | 383 | [ Crying ] 384 | 385 | Hey. 386 | 387 | I\'m gonna play some ball. We need an extra guy. You wanna go? 388 | 389 | - No. Thanks. - Why not? Don\'t you like baseball? 390 | 391 | - Oh, yeah, but-- - But what? 392 | 393 | But my glove-- it\'s busted. 394 | 395 | Uh, see? Now I can\'t go. Thanks, though. 396 | 397 | It\'s okay. 398 | 399 | I got an extra one. 400 | 401 | Come on. Let\'s go. 402 | 403 | Mom, I\'m gonna go play some ball! 404 | 405 | I\'ll be back in a little while. 406 | 407 | Come on. Let\'s go. 408 | 409 | - And I\'m Babe Ruth. - [Boys Chattering] 410 | 411 | Listen. Ready? 412 | 413 | Check this out. 414 | 415 | [ Muffled ] I\'m the Great Bambino. 416 | 417 | [ Boys ] What? 418 | 419 | - I\'m the Great Bambino. - [ All ] What? 420 | 421 | I\'m the Great Bambino. 422 | 423 | [ All ] Oh! 424 | 425 | Who\'s that? 426 | 427 | What? 428 | 429 | [Scotty Narrating] I had no idea who they were talking about. 430 | 431 | - What did he say? - What, were you born in a barn, man? 432 | 433 | Yeah, what planet are you from? 434 | 435 | [Scotty Narrating] But there was no way I could let them know. 436 | 437 | You never heard of the Sultan of Swat? 438 | 439 | The Titan of Terror? 440 | 441 | - The Colossus of Clout? - The Colossus of Clout! 442 | 443 | - The King of Crash, man. - [Scotty Narrating] So I lied. 444 | 445 | Oh, yeah, the Great Bambino. Of course. 446 | 447 | I thought you said, "the Great Bambi." 448 | 449 | That wimpy deer? 450 | 451 | Yeah. I guess. Sorry. 452 | 453 | Anyway, Scott, that\'s Timmy and Tommy Timmons, 454 | 455 | Mike "Squints" Palledorous, 456 | 457 | Alan McClellan-- we call him Yeah-Yeah-- 458 | 459 | Bertram Grover Weeks, 460 | 461 | Kenny DeNunez and Hamilton Porter. 462 | 463 | We call him Ham. Guys, this is Scott Smalls. 464 | 465 | Hi. 466 | 467 | Yeah, um, wel I, he\'s gonna play with us \'cause he makes nine. 468 | 469 | Now we\'ve got a whole team. We\'re wasting time. Let\'s go to the sandlot. 470 | 471 | - Benny, it\'s : in the morning. - It\'s : . 472 | 473 | - Why\'d you bring him, Benny? - \'Cause there\'s eight of us, and he makes nine. 474 | 475 | - Why\'d you bring him, Benny? - \'Cause there\'s eight of us, and he makes nine. 476 | 477 | Yeah, yeah, so would my sister, but I didn\'t bring her. 478 | 479 | With nine guys we\'ve got a whole team, Yeah-Yeah. 480 | 481 | No. With Elswenger we had a whole team. 482 | 483 | - Elswenger could catch. - And throw. 484 | 485 | Come on, Benny, man. He ain\'t game. 486 | 487 | - You saw the way he threw. - Yeah. 488 | 489 | You already fill up all the empty positions since Elswenger moved to Arizona. 490 | 491 | Right. And now I get to rotate eight positions instead of seven. 492 | 493 | - I need the practice, guys. - You\'re the best on the team. You don\'t need any practice. 494 | 495 | - No, you don\'t. - You\'re the best, man. 496 | 497 | Come on, Benny, man. The kid is... 498 | 499 | a L- weenie. 500 | 501 | Yeah, yeah. Oscar Mayer even. Foot-long! 502 | 503 | - Dodger dog! A weenie! - [Boys Laughing] 504 | 505 | What are you laughing at, Yeah-Yeah? You run like a duck. 506 | 507 | Okay, okay, but I\'m-- I\'m-- 508 | 509 | - Part of the game, right? - Mmm, yeah. 510 | 511 | Now, how come he don\'t get to be? 512 | 513 | - \'Cause he\'s a geek, man. - He can\'t catch. 514 | 515 | Man, base up, you blockheads. 516 | 517 | Smalls, you take left center, okay? 518 | 519 | Okay. Um, where exactly is that? 520 | 521 | It\'s over there, man. 522 | 523 | Here? 524 | 525 | That\'s left. I said left center. 526 | 527 | Okay. Right. 528 | 529 | Here? 530 | 531 | Come on, Benny, man. 532 | 533 | He\'s never gonna catch the ball anyway. Let\'s just play. 534 | 535 | - What a jerk. - Yeah-Yeah, get two. 536 | 537 | Come on! Throw it in here, Bertram! 538 | 539 | - Nice. - Wow! 540 | 541 | Good job! 542 | 543 | - Hey, Smalls, throw it to second. - Okay. 544 | 545 | [ Gasps ] 546 | 547 | - Come on, Benny. He\'s never gonna catch it. - He\'s not gonna catch it. 548 | 549 | [ Grunting ] 550 | 551 | Oh! I told you, Benny. We told you. 552 | 553 | [Dog Growling] 554 | 555 | Come on, Benny. Why\'d you do that? 556 | 557 | A square, Benny. The kid\'s a square. 558 | 559 | [ Growling Continues ] 560 | 561 | Come on. Throw it in. 562 | 563 | What the hell\'s he doing? 564 | 565 | I don\'t believe this. 566 | 567 | Here. Sorry. Sorry. 568 | 569 | You can throw it, you know. 570 | 571 | No. 572 | 573 | I can\'t. 574 | 575 | I don\'t know how. 576 | 577 | Thanks for taking me here, but I think I\'d better go. 578 | 579 | Hey, hey. You think too much. 580 | 581 | I bet you get straight A\'s and shit, huh? 582 | 583 | No, I got a "B" once. 584 | 585 | Actually an A-minus. But it should\'ve been a "B." 586 | 587 | Man, this is baseball. You gotta stop thinking. 588 | 589 | You just have fun. 590 | 591 | I mean, if you were having fun, you would\'ve caught that ball. 592 | 593 | You ever have a paper route? 594 | 595 | I helped a guy once. 596 | 597 | Okay. Well, chuck it like you would throw a paper. 598 | 599 | When your arm gets here, just let go. 600 | 601 | Just let go. It\'s that easy. 602 | 603 | How do I catch it? 604 | 605 | Just stand there and stick your glove out in the air. 606 | 607 | I\'ll take care of it. 608 | 609 | About time, Benny. My clothes are going out of style. 610 | 611 | - They already are, Squints. - Shut up! 612 | 613 | I told you, Benny. 614 | 615 | Smalls, throw it to second. 616 | 617 | Okay. 618 | 619 | [ Groans ] 620 | 621 | - Not again. - [ Spits ] 622 | 623 | We\'re wasting time, Benny. 624 | 625 | Please catch it. 626 | 627 | Please catch it. 628 | 629 | Please catch it. Please catch it. 630 | 631 | Yeah! 632 | 633 | - All right! - He\'s all right. 634 | 635 | I told you so, man. 636 | 637 | Okay. 638 | 639 | - Let\'s play some ball. - Yeah, let\'s play some ball. 640 | 641 | All right. I knew it... all the time. 642 | 643 | Yeah! 644 | 645 | [Dog Growling] 646 | 647 | [Fence Rattling] 648 | 649 | [ Gasps ] 650 | 651 | I\'ll show you some more tomorrow, okay? 652 | 653 | - Okay. Bye. - You did good. 654 | 655 | See you later, Ham. : tomorrow. 656 | 657 | - : Benny? - Yeah. See you later, Smalls. 658 | 659 | Bye. See you tomorrow. 660 | 661 | Benny, wait! 662 | 663 | - Your glove. - Keep it, man. 664 | 665 | Thanks! 666 | 667 | Oh, yeah. Hey, Smalls. 668 | 669 | Um, bring a T-shirt and jeans tomorrow, okay? 670 | 671 | - Oh, um, you got a fireplace? - Oh, yeah. 672 | 673 | Yeah, why? 674 | 675 | Throw that hat in there, man. 676 | 677 | Oh, yeah. You know, it was the only one I had. 678 | 679 | Not anymore. Wear my old hat. 680 | 681 | : tomorrow morning. 682 | 683 | Thanks, Benny. Great. : . 684 | 685 | Mom, guess what? 686 | 687 | - Hamilton "The Babe" Porter. - [ Chuckles ] 688 | 689 | "Long-ball" Porter. 690 | 691 | Come on, DeNunez. 692 | 693 | [ All Laughing, Taunting ] 694 | 695 | Yeah, okay. Yes, I see it. Yes. 696 | 697 | [ Boys Shouting ] 698 | 699 | - Whoa! - [Boys Laughing] 700 | 701 | You call that pitching? 702 | 703 | This is baseball, not tennis. 704 | 705 | - Give him a tennis racket. - Give me something to hit. 706 | 707 | All right, Ham. This is my heater. 708 | 709 | - I dare you to hit it. - You\'ll be sorry. 710 | 711 | - Give that boy a bigger bat. - You want the heater, I\'ll give it to you. 712 | 713 | Give him a basketball. Maybe then he\'ll hit it. 714 | 715 | - [Clattering] - Oh, man! 716 | 717 | Yeah! That\'s how you do it. 718 | 719 | Ham, you idiot. Now we can\'t play no more. 720 | 721 | Great, you idiot! 722 | 723 | Hit me with the heater. 724 | 725 | Stupid idiot! 726 | 727 | Low and outside. Just like I like it. 728 | 729 | I\'m gonna hit you! 730 | 731 | - Wait a sec. I\'ll get it. - [Ham] called shot World Series by The Babe. 732 | 733 | Called shot by the Babe. 734 | 735 | No! 736 | 737 | [ All ] No! 738 | 739 | [Boys Shouting] 740 | 741 | - Smalls, come back! - Hey guys, I\'ll get it! 742 | 743 | - Smalls! - Smalls! 744 | 745 | - What are you doing? - Smalls, wait! 746 | 747 | - Guys, what are you-- - [ All ] Smalls! 748 | 749 | Get off! Guys, I gotta get the ball! 750 | 751 | - No, wait! - Get off of me! Now! 752 | 753 | - You\'re gonna get yourself killed! - Killed, man, jeez! 754 | 755 | Stop! 756 | 757 | Holy crap, you could\'ve been killed. 758 | 759 | Yeah, yeah, truly. What are you doing? 760 | 761 | You guys were leaving, so I just thought I\'d hop the fence-- 762 | 763 | - If you were thinking, you wouldn\'t have thought that. - You can\'t go back there. 764 | 765 | - Then how do we get the ball back? - We don\'t. 766 | 767 | - We don\'t. - It\'s history. 768 | 769 | - It\'s history. Kiss it-- - Kiss it good-bye. Shut up, Tommy. 770 | 771 | It\'s gone, man. Gone. 772 | 773 | Game\'s over, man. We\'ll just get another ball tomorrow. 774 | 775 | - Yeah. - We\'ll never see it again. 776 | 777 | Why not? 778 | 779 | [ All ] The Beast. 780 | 781 | What is that? 782 | 783 | Smalls, listen to me. 784 | 785 | Go to that fence... real slow, and be quiet. 786 | 787 | - But... I-I think-- - No, no, no. No, no. 788 | 789 | -Just go and peek through that hole. - But I-- 790 | 791 | -But I saw something. What\'s back there? -It\'s okay. Just go. 792 | 793 | -Just go. - Go, Smalls. 794 | 795 | Come on, Smalls. 796 | 797 | [ All ] Shh! 798 | 799 | [Boys Whispering] 800 | 801 | Shh! 802 | 803 | - Shh! - Be quiet. 804 | 805 | - [ Growling ] - [ Gasps ] 806 | 807 | Something got the ball. 808 | 809 | W-What was that thing? 810 | 811 | [ All ] Camp out. 812 | 813 | In the jungle the mighty jungle 814 | 815 | The lion sleeps tonight 816 | 817 | [Scotty] Hey, guys, sorry I\'m late. 818 | 819 | - My mom made me put on my jacket, - Shut up! 820 | 821 | - and then she made me do the dishes. - [ Boys Laughing] 822 | 823 | Your poor little mommy made you do the big bad dishes. 824 | 825 | - Hey, you want a s\'more? - Some more what? 826 | 827 | - No, no, you want a s\'more? - [Boys Chattering] 828 | 829 | I haven\'t had anything yet, so how can I have some more of nothing? 830 | 831 | - Shut up! - You\'re killing me, Smalls. 832 | 833 | - All right. Who cut one? - These are s\'mores stuff. 834 | 835 | - Okay, pay attention. - Bertram! 836 | 837 | First you take the graham. 838 | 839 | You stick the chocolate on the graham. 840 | 841 | - Then you roast the \'mallow. - No, it\'s my sleeping bag. 842 | 843 | When the \'mallow\'s flaming, 844 | 845 | Yes, it is yours. It has a yellow stain on it. 846 | 847 | you stick it on the chocolate. 848 | 849 | - You\'re gonna set the place on fire. - Then... 850 | 851 | - you cover it with the other end. - Make me one of those. 852 | 853 | Yeah, me too. 854 | 855 | - Then you stuff. - I don\'t like that chocolate stuff. 856 | 857 | Kind of messy, but good. Try some. 858 | 859 | Okay. Quiet, you guys. 860 | 861 | - [ Chattering ] - Shh! Shh! 862 | 863 | Quiet! Are you trying to wake it up? 864 | 865 | It just went to bed. 866 | 867 | - What just went to bed? - [ Boys ] Shh! 868 | 869 | The Beast. 870 | 871 | - Oh, yeah! - Shh! 872 | 873 | -Jeez. - Dang. 874 | 875 | Shh. 876 | 877 | Now quiet. 878 | 879 | The legend of The Beast goes back a long time... 880 | 881 | before any of us could even pick up a baseball. 882 | 883 | Back to a place called Mertle\'s Acres. 884 | 885 | It all started about, mmm, years ago, 886 | 887 | when thieves kept stealing junk from Mertle\'s Acres junkyard. 888 | 889 | So Mr. Mertle, the guy that used to own the place, 890 | 891 | got him this new pup from the dog pound. 892 | 893 | He fed him whole sides of beef... 894 | 895 | and turned the pup loose in the junkyard. 896 | 897 | And the pup was grateful. 898 | 899 | [ Thunderous Footsteps ] 900 | 901 | And so, in a few weeks, the pup grew into The Beast. 902 | 903 | And he grew big, and he grew mean... 904 | 905 | so that he could protect the junkyard with only one thing on his mind: 906 | 907 | to kill everyone that broke in. 908 | 909 | - And he did, and he liked it a lot! - [ Men Screaming ] 910 | 911 | The Beast was the most perfect junkyard dog that ever lived. 912 | 913 | A true killing machine. 914 | 915 | But after a while, the cops started getting phone calls from people... 916 | 917 | reporting all the missing thieves, 918 | 919 | the ones The Beast had killed. 920 | 921 | It added up to about -- 922 | 923 | guys. 924 | 925 | - It\'s true. - [ Growling ] 926 | 927 | They never found a single body. 928 | 929 | Not one. Some people say they all got away. 930 | 931 | But we all know what really happened. 932 | 933 | The Beast ate them. 934 | 935 | He ate them bone and all. 936 | 937 | The Beast was too good at his guard dog job, 938 | 939 | so the police said he had to be retired. 940 | 941 | My grandpa, Squidman Palledorous, 942 | 943 | was police chiefback then. 944 | 945 | He ordered Mr. Mertle to turn his backyard into a fortress... 946 | 947 | and chain up The Beast and put him under the house... 948 | 949 | where he could never get out to eat children and stuff. 950 | 951 | - That\'s where he\'s been for years. - [ Growling ] 952 | 953 | And that\'s where he\'ll be for the rest of his life. 954 | 955 | Because Mr. Mertle asked the cops how long... 956 | 957 | he had to keep The Beast chained up like a slave, 958 | 959 | they said until forever. 960 | 961 | Forever. Forever. 962 | 963 | Forever. Forever. 964 | 965 | Forever. [ Echoing ] 966 | 967 | And so, The Beast sits there under that lean-to, 968 | 969 | dreaming of the time when he can break the chain and get out, 970 | 971 | dreaming of the time he can chase and kill again. 972 | 973 | See, man? That\'s why you can\'t go over there. 974 | 975 | Nobody ever has. Nobody ever will. 976 | 977 | One kid did, but nobody ever seen him again. 978 | 979 | - That ain\'t true. - Yeah, it is. 980 | 981 | He got eaten. 982 | 983 | Nuh-uh. 984 | 985 | No. None of that\'s true. 986 | 987 | You guys are just making this up to scare me. 988 | 989 | Oh, yeah? 990 | 991 | Stick your head out that window... 992 | 993 | and look down. 994 | 995 | [Scotty Narrating] That night I learned that more than baseballs... 996 | 997 | had gone over that fence and not one of them was ever seen again, 998 | 999 | - even when some brave kid... - [ The Beast Growling ] 1000 | 1001 | worked up enough courage to peek over. 1002 | 1003 | Because when they went over, they vanished. 1004 | 1005 | I knew it was true. 1006 | 1007 | - Because when I looked down in there, - [ Growling Continues ] 1008 | 1009 | I didn\'t see a single solitary one. 1010 | 1011 | - [ Chain Rattling ] - [ Screaming ] 1012 | 1013 | - He\'s down there. - You bet he is. 1014 | 1015 | Whatever goes over that fence... 1016 | 1017 | stays there. 1018 | 1019 | It becomes the property of The Beast... 1020 | 1021 | forever. 1022 | 1023 | - Come on, give it to me. - No, I wanna carry it. 1024 | 1025 | - Come on. I paid for it. - I wanna carry it. 1026 | 1027 | - Oh. Whoa! - Give it to me. 1028 | 1029 | - There goes my baby - Jeez Louise. 1030 | 1031 | - What\'s the matter? - Jeez. 1032 | 1033 | Movin\' on down the line 1034 | 1035 | Wonderin\' where Wonderin\' where 1036 | 1037 | Wonderin\' where she is bound 1038 | 1039 | Wendy Peffercorn. Mmm. 1040 | 1041 | - Whoa! - Wow! 1042 | 1043 | Now I\'m alone so all alone 1044 | 1045 | What can I do What can I do 1046 | 1047 | - There goes my baby - Whoa-oa-oa 1048 | 1049 | - There goes my baby - Whoa, I-I-I-I 1050 | 1051 | - There goes my baby - Whoa-oa-oa 1052 | 1053 | - There she goes - Yeah 1054 | 1055 | - Come on, let\'s go. We gotta get-- - No! 1056 | 1057 | - We gotta get to the sandlot. Let\'s go. - Did she really love me 1058 | 1059 | - [ Chattering ] - Was she just playin\' 1060 | 1061 | - Come on. Let\'s go. - Okay. 1062 | 1063 | [ Panting ] I\'m sweating like a pig. 1064 | 1065 | Let\'s go! Come on! 1066 | 1067 | Where you guys been? We\'ve been waiting here forever already. 1068 | 1069 | Aw, Squints was pervin\' a dish. 1070 | 1071 | - Shut up. I wasn\'t. - Yeah, yeah, you were. 1072 | 1073 | Your tongue was hangin\' out of your head, and you was swoonin\'. 1074 | 1075 | Oh, Wendy Peffercorn, my darling lover girl. [ Chuckles ] 1076 | 1077 | I said shut up! 1078 | 1079 | I\'ve got a lot of things on my mind. 1080 | 1081 | This pop isn\'t working, Benny. 1082 | 1083 | I\'m baking like a toasted cheeser! It\'s so hot here! 1084 | 1085 | It\'s degrees out there. You can\'t play baseball. 1086 | 1087 | - You have to call it for the day. - You gotta listen to him, Benny. 1088 | 1089 | Vote then. Anybody who wants to be... 1090 | 1091 | a "can\'t hack it" panty waist... 1092 | 1093 | who wears their mama\'s bra, raise your hand. 1094 | 1095 | - Yeah, I can handle that. - [ Chattering In Agreement ] 1096 | 1097 | Fine, fine, fine! 1098 | 1099 | Be like that. 1100 | 1101 | So what are we gonna do? 1102 | 1103 | [ Laughing ] 1104 | 1105 | Scam pool honeys! 1106 | 1107 | [Scotty Narrating] Benny would\'ve played ball all day, all night, rain, 1108 | 1109 | shine, tidal wave, whatever. 1110 | 1111 | Baseball was the only thing he cared about. 1112 | 1113 | But of all the things we ever did besides baseball, 1114 | 1115 | going to the pool was what he tolerated best. 1116 | 1117 | Even though none of us had ever seen a Playboy magazine, 1118 | 1119 | - which we constantly lied about, - Hi. 1120 | 1121 | we figured going to the pool was the next best thing to being there. 1122 | 1123 | I remember you. Oh, sexy. 1124 | 1125 | Hey, girls. 1126 | 1127 | Cannonball! 1128 | 1129 | [ Women Screaming ] 1130 | 1131 | [ Scotty Narrating ] It wasn\'t really the pool honeys like we said, 1132 | 1133 | because if any one of them had come up to any one of us, we\'d have just peed our pants. 1134 | 1135 | We all went because-- 1136 | 1137 | well, because Wendy Peffercorn was the lifeguard. 1138 | 1139 | - Aw, man. - Yeah, yeah. Too cool. 1140 | 1141 | [ Timmy ] She don\'t know what she\'s doing. 1142 | 1143 | [ Tommy ] She don\'t know what she\'s doing. 1144 | 1145 | [ Benny ] Yeah, she does. 1146 | 1147 | She knows exactly what she\'s doing. 1148 | 1149 | I\'ve swum here every summer of my adult life. 1150 | 1151 | And every summer, there she is, 1152 | 1153 | lotioning, oiling, oiling, lotioning. 1154 | 1155 | - One day it became too much... - Smiling. 1156 | 1157 | - for Michael "Squints" Palledorous. - Smiling! 1158 | 1159 | I can\'t take this no more! 1160 | 1161 | - Move! - And he did the most desperate thing... 1162 | 1163 | - Lotioning, oiling. - any of us... 1164 | 1165 | - had ever seen. - Lotioning, 1166 | 1167 | oiling. 1168 | 1169 | [ Chuckles ] 1170 | 1171 | - What\'s wrong with him? - What\'s he doing? 1172 | 1173 | Three summers of this. I think he finally snapped. 1174 | 1175 | I don\'t know. But that\'s the deep end, and Squints can\'t swim. 1176 | 1177 | [ Shuddering ] 1178 | 1179 | [ Giggles ] 1180 | 1181 | [ All Shouting ] 1182 | 1183 | [Shouting Continues ] 1184 | 1185 | - Somebody help him! - Squints! 1186 | 1187 | Somebody help him! Come on! 1188 | 1189 | [ Shouting Continues ] 1190 | 1191 | Move back. Move back. 1192 | 1193 | - Okay, I got him. I got him. - Come on up, Wendy. 1194 | 1195 | Everybody move back. Move back. Roll him over. 1196 | 1197 | Never mind! Never mind! 1198 | 1199 | - Come on, Squints. - [ Exhaling Forcefully] 1200 | 1201 | - Come on, Squints. - Come on! 1202 | 1203 | - Squints! - [ Exhaling Forcefully] 1204 | 1205 | - Come on, Squints. Squints. - Come on, Squints. Come on. 1206 | 1207 | - Wake up. - Come on, breathe, would you? 1208 | 1209 | Come on, Squints! You can do it! Pull through, bud! 1210 | 1211 | - Come on, man! Come on! - Yeah, yeah. He looks pretty crappy. 1212 | 1213 | Squints! Come on, man. 1214 | 1215 | Oh, God, he looks like a dead fish. 1216 | 1217 | [ Boys ] What? 1218 | 1219 | - This magic moment - [ Muffled Grunt ] 1220 | 1221 | - [ Screams ] Little pervert! - So different 1222 | 1223 | - Oh, man, he\'s in deep shit. - And so new 1224 | 1225 | - [Boys Shouting] - Was like any other 1226 | 1227 | Until I kissed you 1228 | 1229 | And then it happened 1230 | 1231 | It took me by surprise 1232 | 1233 | I knew that you felt it too 1234 | 1235 | - By the look in your eyes - And stay out! 1236 | 1237 | Sweeter than wine 1238 | 1239 | Softer than the summer night 1240 | 1241 | Everything I want I have 1242 | 1243 | Whenever I hold you tight 1244 | 1245 | This magic moment 1246 | 1247 | While your lips are close to mine 1248 | 1249 | Will last forever 1250 | 1251 | Oh, hey, here\'s your glasses. Did you plan that? 1252 | 1253 | Of course I did. I been planning it for years. 1254 | 1255 | You guys, he planned that! He knew what he was doing! 1256 | 1257 | Oh, magic 1258 | 1259 | Michael "Squints" Palledorous walked a little taller that day. 1260 | 1261 | We had to tip our hats to him. 1262 | 1263 | He was lucky she hadn\'t beat the crap out of him. 1264 | 1265 | We wouldn\'t have blamed her. What he\'d done was sneaky, 1266 | 1267 | rotten and low... and cool. 1268 | 1269 | Not another one among us would\'ve ever in a million years... 1270 | 1271 | even for a million dollars had the guts to put the move on the lifeguard. 1272 | 1273 | He did. He had kissed a woman, 1274 | 1275 | and he had kissed her long and good. 1276 | 1277 | We got banned from the pool forever that day. 1278 | 1279 | But every time we walked by after that, 1280 | 1281 | the lifeguard looked down from her tower, 1282 | 1283 | - This magic moment - right over at Squints... 1284 | 1285 | - and smiled. - While your lips are close to mine 1286 | 1287 | [ Boys Laughing, Chattering ] 1288 | 1289 | - O beautiful - [ Knocking ] 1290 | 1291 | - Get your glove and come on. - What\'s the big deal? 1292 | 1293 | - Night game. Come on. Come on. - Mom, I\'m going out! 1294 | 1295 | In liberating strife 1296 | 1297 | Who more than self 1298 | 1299 | - [Fireworks Whistling] - The country loved 1300 | 1301 | [Scotty Narrating] There was only one night game a year. 1302 | 1303 | - Guys, wait up! - On the th of July... 1304 | 1305 | the whole sky would brighten up with fireworks, 1306 | 1307 | giving us just enough light for a game. 1308 | 1309 | We played our best then because, I guess, we all felt like the big leaguers... 1310 | 1311 | under the lights of some great stadium. 1312 | 1313 | Benny felt like that all the time. 1314 | 1315 | We all knew he was gonna go on to bigger and better games, 1316 | 1317 | because every time we stopped to watch the sky on those nights like regular kids, 1318 | 1319 | he was there to call us back. 1320 | 1321 | You see, for us, baseball was a game. 1322 | 1323 | But for Benjamin Franklin Rodriguez, 1324 | 1325 | baseball was life. 1326 | 1327 | - [ Boys Shouting ] - And every grain divine 1328 | 1329 | - Okay, hit it! - Yeah, yeah, come on, Benny. 1330 | 1331 | O beautiful 1332 | 1333 | For spacious skies 1334 | 1335 | - For amber waves of grain - [ Fireworks Whistling, Crackling ] 1336 | 1337 | For purple mountain majesties 1338 | 1339 | Above the fruited plain 1340 | 1341 | Now wait a minute. 1342 | 1343 | I\'m talking about-- 1344 | 1345 | America 1346 | 1347 | Sweet 1348 | 1349 | America 1350 | 1351 | You know-- 1352 | 1353 | God done shed His grace on thee 1354 | 1355 | He-He-He crowned thy good 1356 | 1357 | Yes, He did. 1358 | 1359 | In a brotherhood 1360 | 1361 | - Man! - From sea 1362 | 1363 | To shining sea 1364 | 1365 | [ Boys Shouting ] 1366 | 1367 | [ Boys Shouting ] 1368 | 1369 | - Come on! Hurry up! - First! 1370 | 1371 | Run! 1372 | 1373 | Back off! 1374 | 1375 | Yeah, yeah! 1376 | 1377 | - Throw it in! Throw it in! - Get him! Get him! 1378 | 1379 | Come on! Come on! Come on! 1380 | 1381 | - Come on! Hurry up! - Go, Benny! 1382 | 1383 | - [ Groaning ] - Oh, damn! 1384 | 1385 | Oh, no! 1386 | 1387 | It\'s easy when you play with a bunch of rejects and a fat kid, Rodriguez. 1388 | 1389 | - Shut your mouth, Phillips. - What\'d you say, crap face? 1390 | 1391 | I said you shouldn\'t even be allowed to touch a baseball. 1392 | 1393 | Except for Rodriguez, you\'re all an insult to the game. 1394 | 1395 | Come on! We\'ll take you on right here, right now! 1396 | 1397 | - Come on! - [ All Shouting In Agreement ] 1398 | 1399 | We play on a real diamond, Porter. 1400 | 1401 | You ain\'t good enough to lick the dirt off our cleats. 1402 | 1403 | - Watch it, jerk. - Shut up, idiot! 1404 | 1405 | - Moron! - Scab eater! 1406 | 1407 | - Butt sniffer! - Pus licker! 1408 | 1409 | - Fart smeller! - [ Sniffing ] Ah! 1410 | 1411 | You eat dog crap for breakfast, geek. 1412 | 1413 | You mix your Wheaties with your mama\'s toe jam! 1414 | 1415 | [ All ] Yeah! 1416 | 1417 | You bob for apples in the toilet and you like it. 1418 | 1419 | - Ooh. - You play ball like a girl! 1420 | 1421 | [ Laughing ] 1422 | 1423 | - What did you say? - You heard me. 1424 | 1425 | Tomorrow. 1426 | 1427 | Noon. At our field. 1428 | 1429 | Be there, buffalo-butt breath. 1430 | 1431 | Count on it, pee-drinking crap face! 1432 | 1433 | [ All ] Yeah! 1434 | 1435 | Let\'s go! 1436 | 1437 | [ Chattering ] 1438 | 1439 | We\'re gonna kick their butts tomorrow. 1440 | 1441 | Yeah! 1442 | 1443 | - Good job. -Jerks. 1444 | 1445 | Play ball! 1446 | 1447 | Hurry up, batter. 1448 | 1449 | It\'s gonna be a short game, and I gotta get home for lunch. 1450 | 1451 | [ Snickers ] That\'s one. 1452 | 1453 | You know, if I had a dog as ugly as you, 1454 | 1455 | I\'d shave his butt and tell him to walk backwards. 1456 | 1457 | The heater. 1458 | 1459 | Here it comes. I dare you. 1460 | 1461 | Strike three. You\'re out. 1462 | 1463 | Hey, is that your sister out there in left field, naked? 1464 | 1465 | - She\'s naked. - Shut up, Porter! 1466 | 1467 | Hey, hey, hey. 1468 | 1469 | I\'m just trying to have a little friendly conversation. 1470 | 1471 | Come on. You think she\'d go out with me? 1472 | 1473 | Come on. Show me your stuff. 1474 | 1475 | - Let\'s see what you got. - Hey, batter, batter, batter! 1476 | 1477 | - Take him out! - [Boys Shouting] 1478 | 1479 | - Come on! - Bring it in! 1480 | 1481 | - Oh! Beat ya. - [ Shouting Continues ] 1482 | 1483 | Throw it to third! 1484 | 1485 | [Scotty Narrating ] We were all walking on air that night. 1486 | 1487 | It had been a solid victory. 1488 | 1489 | In fact, we beat the crap out of those guys. 1490 | 1491 | So we all went to celebrate. 1492 | 1493 | And we did the stupidest thing... 1494 | 1495 | any of us had ever done. 1496 | 1497 | - Hey, guys, it\'s all on me tonight. - [ All Shouting ] 1498 | 1499 | Thanks, Benny! 1500 | 1501 | Nine tickets, please. 1502 | 1503 | - Hey, Benny. - Thanks. 1504 | 1505 | - Hey, Benny. - Benny. 1506 | 1507 | - Come on, you guys! - What about me? Thanks. 1508 | 1509 | Aw, crap! I almost forgot! 1510 | 1511 | - What? - What? 1512 | 1513 | Chaw! I was saving it for a good time. 1514 | 1515 | - What is it? - Big Chief. 1516 | 1517 | [ Sniffing ] The best! 1518 | 1519 | Jeez, Smalls. I suppose you don\'t even know who The Babe is either. 1520 | 1521 | It\'s plug. Wad. Chewing tobacco. 1522 | 1523 | - \'Baccy, man. - What do you do with it? 1524 | 1525 | You\'re killing me, Smalls. 1526 | 1527 | - Chew it, of course. Yes. - You do? 1528 | 1529 | Yeah, sure, man. All the pros do it. 1530 | 1531 | Yeah, yeah. Gives you tons of energy. 1532 | 1533 | - Let\'s dip. Let\'s dip. - You got it, guys. 1534 | 1535 | Come on. I want some. 1536 | 1537 | - Mm. Mm. - Mm. 1538 | 1539 | - The best. - Let\'s ride! 1540 | 1541 | - Yeah! - Yeah! 1542 | 1543 | [\' s Rock ] 1544 | 1545 | Mm! 1546 | 1547 | [ Continues ] 1548 | 1549 | - Yeah-hah! - Yeah! 1550 | 1551 | - Whoo-hoo! - Squints, this is the best! 1552 | 1553 | Wow! Yeah! Whoo! 1554 | 1555 | All right! 1556 | 1557 | Tequila 1558 | 1559 | Yeah! 1560 | 1561 | [ Moaning ] 1562 | 1563 | Blech! 1564 | 1565 | [ Moaning Continues ] 1566 | 1567 | [ Moans ] 1568 | 1569 | Tequila 1570 | 1571 | - [Vomiting ] - [Vomiting] 1572 | 1573 | - [Vomiting] - [Women Screaming ] 1574 | 1575 | [ Screaming ] 1576 | 1577 | - [ Belching ] - Tequila 1578 | 1579 | [ Belches ] Oh, that feels better. 1580 | 1581 | I\'ll be back in an hour. I\'m gonna take your dad to the airport. 1582 | 1583 | Oh, okay. 1584 | 1585 | Honey, are you feeling all right? You look kind of pale. 1586 | 1587 | - I\'m fine, Mom. - You sure? 1588 | 1589 | - I\'m fine, really. - All right. 1590 | 1591 | Listen, Scott. 1592 | 1593 | While I\'m gone, you\'re the man of the house. Understand? 1594 | 1595 | - Okay. - Okay. 1596 | 1597 | - Where are you going? - Chicago. 1598 | 1599 | On business for a week. 1600 | 1601 | - We\'ll take another stab at catch when I get back, all right? - Yeah, I guess so. 1602 | 1603 | - Take care of things for me. - Okay. 1604 | 1605 | - All right? - I will. 1606 | 1607 | Okay. Be a good boy. 1608 | 1609 | - I will. - Okay. 1610 | 1611 | [Scotty Narrating] A couple days after we all got over acting like big shots, 1612 | 1613 | we swore off the hard stuff forever and just stuck to Bazooka. 1614 | 1615 | But the day we all got back together for some baseball... 1616 | 1617 | was the day I got us into the biggest pickle of all time, 1618 | 1619 | and it all started with an omen. 1620 | 1621 | Oh, man. 1622 | 1623 | I don\'t believe it. 1624 | 1625 | - Bitchin\'. - [ Benny ] Nah, it ain\'t. 1626 | 1627 | Come on. Maybe two or three guys in history... 1628 | 1629 | ever busted the guts out of a ball. 1630 | 1631 | - Must be an omen. - All\'s it means is that we can\'t play no more. 1632 | 1633 | It\'s only : and I just ruined the whole day for us. 1634 | 1635 | No, you didn\'t. That\'s the most amazing thing I ever saw. 1636 | 1637 | - Yeah. - [Benny] Anybody got any money? 1638 | 1639 | - [ All ] No. - Then it ain\'t okay, \'cause now we can\'t play no more. 1640 | 1641 | Yeah, we can. 1642 | 1643 | What, you got extra cents lying around, Smalls? 1644 | 1645 | - No, but I got a ball. - [ All ] Go get it! 1646 | 1647 | I got it, guys! I got it! I got the ball, guys! 1648 | 1649 | I got it. Right here, guys. 1650 | 1651 | I got the ball. I got it. 1652 | 1653 | - Here, Benny. I got it. - Bitchin\'. Your ball, your ups. 1654 | 1655 | - Here you go. - Okay. 1656 | 1657 | All right. Come on. Kenny, here. 1658 | 1659 | Come on. Yeah, come on! 1660 | 1661 | Batter up! 1662 | 1663 | [Sighs ] Your fly\'s open. 1664 | 1665 | [ Snickers ] There\'s one. 1666 | 1667 | One, two, three. 1668 | 1669 | Three strikes, three pitches. 1670 | 1671 | [ All ] Hey, batter, batter, batter! 1672 | 1673 | - Come on, Smalls! - Hey, batter, batter, batter! 1674 | 1675 | Oh, my. Oh, man. 1676 | 1677 | - Run! - Yes! 1678 | 1679 | Way to go, school meat! I taught him everything. 1680 | 1681 | [ All Shouting ] 1682 | 1683 | Oh, man, that was great. That went clear over. 1684 | 1685 | Hey, uh, Smalls, third base is that way. 1686 | 1687 | Hey, Smalls. Smalls. 1688 | 1689 | - Go to third. - Oh, no. Oh, no. 1690 | 1691 | Yeah! Nice hit, Smalls. Nice hit. Yeah! 1692 | 1693 | - Oh, no. - It\'s outta here! Who\'s got the big bat now? 1694 | 1695 | - [ All ] Smalls! Smalls! Smalls! - Smalls? 1696 | 1697 | You forgot to turn. 1698 | 1699 | You go to third base! 1700 | 1701 | Smalls-- 1702 | 1703 | What the hell\'s he doing? 1704 | 1705 | Maybe the shock of his first homer was just too much for him. 1706 | 1707 | Yeah. 1708 | 1709 | - [ Chattering ] - Smalls. 1710 | 1711 | Smalls? Smalls. 1712 | 1713 | [The Beast Growling] 1714 | 1715 | - We got to get that ball back. - Oh, yeah, right. 1716 | 1717 | - Good one, Smalls. - [Laughing] Yeah, good one, Smalls. 1718 | 1719 | Hey, forget about it, man. Let\'s get another ball. 1720 | 1721 | No, you don\'t understand! 1722 | 1723 | Sure, we do. You feel bad \'cause you belted a homer. Now we can\'t play no more. 1724 | 1725 | No, you don\'t understand! That wasn\'t my ball! 1726 | 1727 | What do you mean, that wasn\'t your ball? 1728 | 1729 | It was my stepdad\'s. 1730 | 1731 | I stole it from his trophy room. 1732 | 1733 | It was a present or something. Somebody gave it to him. 1734 | 1735 | We gotta get it back. He\'s gonna kill me! 1736 | 1737 | Ohh. 1738 | 1739 | Listen to me, Smalls. 1740 | 1741 | It\'s a matter of life and death. 1742 | 1743 | Where did your old man get that ball? 1744 | 1745 | What? I don\'t know. Some lady gave it to him. 1746 | 1747 | - Why? - What? Some lady? 1748 | 1749 | Yeah. She even signed her name on it. Some lady named... 1750 | 1751 | Ruth, Baby Ruth. 1752 | 1753 | [ All Shouting ] Babe Ruth? 1754 | 1755 | [ Shouting Continues ] 1756 | 1757 | [The Beast Growling] 1758 | 1759 | No! 1760 | 1761 | [ All Shouting ] 1762 | 1763 | The Beast got it. 1764 | 1765 | - You\'re dead as a doornail, Smalls. - You\'re dead as a doornail. 1766 | 1767 | Smalls, you mean to tell me that you went home and swiped a ball... 1768 | 1769 | that was signed by Babe Ruth, 1770 | 1771 | - and you brought it here and actually played with it? - Actually played with it? 1772 | 1773 | - Yeah, but I was gonna bring it back. - But it was signed by Babe Ruth. 1774 | 1775 | Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You keep telling me that. Who is she? 1776 | 1777 | What? 1778 | 1779 | What? 1780 | 1781 | - The Sultan of Swat. - The King of Crash. 1782 | 1783 | - The Colossus of Clout. - The Colossus of Clout. 1784 | 1785 | [Together] Babe Ruth! 1786 | 1787 | The Great Bambino! 1788 | 1789 | Oh, my God! You mean that\'s the same guy? 1790 | 1791 | [ All ] Yes! 1792 | 1793 | Smalls, Babe Ruth is the greatest baseball player that ever lived. 1794 | 1795 | People say he was less than a god but more than a man. 1796 | 1797 | You know, like Hercules or something. 1798 | 1799 | That ball you just aced to The Beast is worth, 1800 | 1801 | well, more than your whole life. 1802 | 1803 | [ Groans ] I don\'t feel so good. 1804 | 1805 | - Uh-oh, fan him. - Give him air, give him air. 1806 | 1807 | We have to get that ball back. 1808 | 1809 | - When does your old man get home from work? - He\'s gone on business. 1810 | 1811 | Out of town. But he could be back anytime. 1812 | 1813 | All right. Find out when. 1814 | 1815 | And, guys, spread out and look for bottles and cash \'em in. 1816 | 1817 | We need cents. We gotta buy us a ball. 1818 | 1819 | - Yeah! - [ Chattering ] 1820 | 1821 | - Come on. Let\'s go! - Go, go, go, go! Move, move! 1822 | 1823 | Come on. Open it up! Hurry up, hurry up! 1824 | 1825 | - Give me the ball. - Give me something to write with. 1826 | 1827 | - I got a pencil. - Give me a pen, not a pencil! 1828 | 1829 | - Sorry. - I got a pen. 1830 | 1831 | Babe-- 1832 | 1833 | - Baby Ruthie? - It says, "Babe Ruth." 1834 | 1835 | - I don\'t know, Benny, man. - Yeah, boy, that looks pretty crappy. 1836 | 1837 | It doesn\'t matter what it looks like. 1838 | 1839 | His mom\'s never gonna know the difference. 1840 | 1841 | - This\'ll just buy us some time, you dorks. - Okay, come on. 1842 | 1843 | - Scotty? - [ Gasps ] Uh, in here, Mom. 1844 | 1845 | Oh, hi, honey. What are you doing in here? 1846 | 1847 | Uh, just looking at Bill\'s-- 1848 | 1849 | I mean, uh, Dad\'s baseball. 1850 | 1851 | You know he doesn\'t like you to touch his things. 1852 | 1853 | Yeah. I-- I know. Sorry, Mom. 1854 | 1855 | Has he ever told you about that ball? 1856 | 1857 | Uh, no. Uh, not really. 1858 | 1859 | I-- I don\'t think so. No, no, no, he hasn\'t at all. 1860 | 1861 | I don\'t-- I don\'t know anything about it. 1862 | 1863 | Babe Ruth signed that ball. He was... 1864 | 1865 | the greatest baseball player who ever lived. 1866 | 1867 | - Oh. Really? [ Chuckles ] - He sure is. 1868 | 1869 | Your dad\'s father gave it to him. 1870 | 1871 | Maybe someday he\'ll give it to you. 1872 | 1873 | Oh. 1874 | 1875 | Neat. [ Chuckles ] 1876 | 1877 | [Scotty Narrating] It was salt in an open wound. 1878 | 1879 | Even my own mom, a grown-up girl, 1880 | 1881 | knew who Babe Ruth was. 1882 | 1883 | I was dead meat. 1884 | 1885 | We had thought that that ball Benny had busted the guts out of... 1886 | 1887 | meant something amazing was gonna happen. 1888 | 1889 | Now I just figured it meant my life was over. 1890 | 1891 | Hey, I got it! 1892 | 1893 | Why don\'t we just go over... 1894 | 1895 | and knock on the door and ask Mr. Mertle if he can get it for us? 1896 | 1897 | Are you out of your mind? Mr. Mertle\'s the meanest old man that ever lived. 1898 | 1899 | He\'s the one who made The Beast eat that kid. 1900 | 1901 | It\'s not an option, Smalls. Forget about it! 1902 | 1903 | Oh, okay. Sorry. I -- I will. 1904 | 1905 | Let\'s just look out the window. 1906 | 1907 | Good idea. 1908 | 1909 | [ The Beast Growling] 1910 | 1911 | [ Snarls ] 1912 | 1913 | - He\'s daring us. - We\'re on his territory now. 1914 | 1915 | Anybody got any bright ideas? 1916 | 1917 | [Scotty Narrating] After we\'d all thought about it real hard, 1918 | 1919 | we had absolutely no idea what the hell we were gonna do. 1920 | 1921 | So things started primitively. 1922 | 1923 | Go. 1924 | 1925 | - Farther. - Farther, okay. 1926 | 1927 | -Just a little bit farther. - Farther. Farther. 1928 | 1929 | - Aah! - [ All Yelling ] 1930 | 1931 | Oh, no! Aah! 1932 | 1933 | Farther. 1934 | 1935 | [ Creaking ] 1936 | 1937 | Go to the right a little bit. Put the back to the right. 1938 | 1939 | [ Creaking ] 1940 | 1941 | A little bit farther. 1942 | 1943 | - Farther? - Guys, I see it. Turn, turn. 1944 | 1945 | Almost. 1946 | 1947 | You got it. Pull it back. 1948 | 1949 | - I got it! - Got it, guys. 1950 | 1951 | - [ Snarls ] - Oh, my God! 1952 | 1953 | Pull it back! Aah! 1954 | 1955 | [ All Screaming ] 1956 | 1957 | [ Snarls ] 1958 | 1959 | [ Growling] 1960 | 1961 | I think we\'ve seriously underestimated The Beast. 1962 | 1963 | Obviously, we\'re dealing with a superior intelligence. 1964 | 1965 | - Power. - Okay, guys, almost ready. 1966 | 1967 | We\'re connecting power now. 1968 | 1969 | Power connected. 1970 | 1971 | Okay, we\'re ready. 1972 | 1973 | Initiate retrieval suction. 1974 | 1975 | Initiate retrieval suction. 1976 | 1977 | Initiate retrieval suction. 1978 | 1979 | - Prepare to initiate retrieval suction number one. - Okay. Get ready, guys. 1980 | 1981 | Initiate retrieval suction number one. 1982 | 1983 | Initiating retrieval suction number one now! 1984 | 1985 | [ Whirring ] 1986 | 1987 | - Fire number two. - Initiate number two. 1988 | 1989 | Firing two now! 1990 | 1991 | [ Grunting ] 1992 | 1993 | - Fire number three. - Number three now! 1994 | 1995 | Whoa! 1996 | 1997 | Ha! You got it. Haul it up. 1998 | 1999 | All right! 2000 | 2001 | - Pull it up. - [ Snarls ] 2002 | 2003 | [ All Screaming ] 2004 | 2005 | - What\'s going on, Squints? - The pipe-- it\'s pinched shut. 2006 | 2007 | - Turn it off, man! - I can\'t! They\'re shorting out! 2008 | 2009 | - What the hell is that noise? - [ Whirring Continues ] 2010 | 2011 | The vacs are clogged. I don\'t know about you, but I\'m getting outta here. 2012 | 2013 | Let\'s go! 2014 | 2015 | Oh, no! Aah! 2016 | 2017 | Aah! 2018 | 2019 | Aah! 2020 | 2021 | Aah! Aah! 2022 | 2023 | They\'re gonna blow! Aah! 2024 | 2025 | [ All Yelling ] 2026 | 2027 | Aah! 2028 | 2029 | Incoming! 2030 | 2031 | [ Sighs ] We\'ve been going about this all wrong. 2032 | 2033 | I blame myself. [ Sighs ] 2034 | 2035 | We need total surprise. 2036 | 2037 | An airborne attack. The Beast will never expect it. 2038 | 2039 | Yeah. 2040 | 2041 | [ Sighs ] 2042 | 2043 | [Snarls ] 2044 | 2045 | - It\'s clear. - Take me up. 2046 | 2047 | [ Growling, Barks ] 2048 | 2049 | [ Grunts ] 2050 | 2051 | Let me down slow. 2052 | 2053 | - A little slower. - Go slow. 2054 | 2055 | Go. 2056 | 2057 | Yeah, let me down. Almost there. 2058 | 2059 | - He\'s almost there. - [ Growling] 2060 | 2061 | Let me down right over it. 2062 | 2063 | Let him down right overit. 2064 | 2065 | [ Panting ] 2066 | 2067 | [ Growling] 2068 | 2069 | [Snarls ] 2070 | 2071 | Ewww. 2072 | 2073 | Okay, I got it. Get me outta here. 2074 | 2075 | Pull him up. 2076 | 2077 | [ Growling ] 2078 | 2079 | I-- I-- I-- [ Stammering ] 2080 | 2081 | - Hey, pull him up! - Aah! Aah! 2082 | 2083 | - [ Growling ] - Aah! 2084 | 2085 | [ All Shouting ] 2086 | 2087 | - Aah! - [ Growling ] 2088 | 2089 | - [ All Shouting ] - Aah! 2090 | 2091 | [ All Yelling ] 2092 | 2093 | [Scotty Narrating] It was my last chance. 2094 | 2095 | So we quit messing around and pulled out all the stops. 2096 | 2097 | I collected every piece of erector set I had, 2098 | 2099 | and it finally became... 2100 | 2101 | science against nature. 2102 | 2103 | Okay, go with me on the launch. Come on, Squints. 2104 | 2105 | - Prepare to launch. - Prepare to launch. 2106 | 2107 | Prepare to launch. Launching. 2108 | 2109 | Launch. 2110 | 2111 | Okay, you\'re on the ground. 2112 | 2113 | [ Growls ] 2114 | 2115 | Moving forward. 2116 | 2117 | [ Growls ] 2118 | 2119 | - You went too far. Go back. - Reverse. It\'s too far. 2120 | 2121 | Reverse. 2122 | 2123 | Stop. 2124 | 2125 | Drop catapult. 2126 | 2127 | - The catapult is dropped. - Open catapult. 2128 | 2129 | We\'re gonna get it. I know it. 2130 | 2131 | Opening. 2132 | 2133 | Forward. 2134 | 2135 | [The Beast Growling] 2136 | 2137 | Close catapult. 2138 | 2139 | - Catapult\'s closed. - We\'re gonna get it. Come on. 2140 | 2141 | - [ Growling] - Aah! Fire, fire, fire! 2142 | 2143 | I got it! I got it! I got it! 2144 | 2145 | Aah! 2146 | 2147 | [ Screaming ] 2148 | 2149 | [Snarling] 2150 | 2151 | [Boys Whimpering] 2152 | 2153 | [Scotty Narrating] My life... was over. 2154 | 2155 | Just as Bill had finally warmed up to me... 2156 | 2157 | and asked me to be the man of the house, 2158 | 2159 | I had to knock a priceless chunk of history into the clutches of a monster. 2160 | 2161 | Great. 2162 | 2163 | I had a dream that night about a giant baseball... 2164 | 2165 | that was signed by Babe Ruth... 2166 | 2167 | falling out of the sky and hammering me into the ground... 2168 | 2169 | like a railroad spike. 2170 | 2171 | I didn\'t know what that meant, 2172 | 2173 | but Benny had a dream that night too, and his was a lot more helpful. 2174 | 2175 | [ Crowd Cheering ] 2176 | 2177 | Who\'s there? 2178 | 2179 | Don\'t go pee in your pants. I\'m just here to give you a hand. 2180 | 2181 | - B-But you\'re-- - Dead? 2182 | 2183 | Legends never die, kid. 2184 | 2185 | But you\'re really him. 2186 | 2187 | You\'re The Babe. 2188 | 2189 | The Sultan of Swat. The King of Crash. 2190 | 2191 | Of Crash, and a hundred other dopey names. 2192 | 2193 | Forget about that stuff, kid. We ain\'t got much time. 2194 | 2195 | - I\'m here \'cause you\'re in some kind of a pickle, right? - Yeah. 2196 | 2197 | A baseball with my John Hancock on it... 2198 | 2199 | went over a fence and you can\'t get it back, right? 2200 | 2201 | Yeah, right. 2202 | 2203 | - Then just hop over there and get it. - Wait, wait! 2204 | 2205 | - I can\'t. - Can\'t what? 2206 | 2207 | - I can\'t go into that backyard. - Why not? 2208 | 2209 | There\'s a beast back there. 2210 | 2211 | What kind? 2212 | 2213 | A giant gorilla-dog thing that ate one kid already. 2214 | 2215 | Is that a fact? Sit down, kid. 2216 | 2217 | Sit down. 2218 | 2219 | Let me tell you something, kid. 2220 | 2221 | Everybody gets one chance to do something great. 2222 | 2223 | Most people never take the chance, either \'cause they\'re too scared... 2224 | 2225 | or they don\'t recognize it when it spits on their shoes. 2226 | 2227 | This is your big chance, 2228 | 2229 | and you shouldn\'t let it go by. 2230 | 2231 | Remember when you busted the guts out of the ball the other day? 2232 | 2233 | Someone\'s telling you something, kid. If I was you, I\'d listen. 2234 | 2235 | Yeah. But what? 2236 | 2237 | [ Chuckles ] You\'re the one with the rubber legs. 2238 | 2239 | Figure it out. 2240 | 2241 | "Henry Aaron." 2242 | 2243 | -I don\'t know why, but can I have this? -Sure, yeah. 2244 | 2245 | Thanks. 2246 | 2247 | Wait. 2248 | 2249 | You\'re saying I should hop over that fence and pickle The Beast? 2250 | 2251 | Think about that, kid. I\'ll see you later. 2252 | 2253 | [Crowd Cheering] 2254 | 2255 | Remember, kid, there\'s heroes and there\'s legends. 2256 | 2257 | Heroes get remembered, 2258 | 2259 | but legends never die. 2260 | 2261 | Follow your heart, kid, and you\'ll never go wrong. 2262 | 2263 | [ Knocking On Window ] 2264 | 2265 | [ Knocking On Window ] 2266 | 2267 | I had a dream. Get dressed. We\'re going to the sandlot. 2268 | 2269 | Okay. Wait. I\'ll get my stuff. 2270 | 2271 | [Scotty Narrating] Only one kid in history had ever attempted... 2272 | 2273 | what Benny was about to, 2274 | 2275 | and he got eaten. 2276 | 2277 | So we were worried-- real worried-- 2278 | 2279 | even when Benny brought out the secret weapon: 2280 | 2281 | shoes guaranteed to make a kid run faster and jump higher, 2282 | 2283 | P.F. Flyers. 2284 | 2285 | We can\'t let him do this, man. 2286 | 2287 | Benny, wait. 2288 | 2289 | It\'s okay. 2290 | 2291 | It was my fault. 2292 | 2293 | You don\'t have to do this. 2294 | 2295 | Yeah. Come on, Benny, man. You don\'t have to do it. Forget about it. 2296 | 2297 | It\'s like committing suicide, Benny. Don\'t do it. 2298 | 2299 | - Yeah, don\'t do it, Benny. - Yeah. 2300 | 2301 | Don\'t do it. It\'s suicide. 2302 | 2303 | Yeah, I do, Smalls. 2304 | 2305 | I have to do this. 2306 | 2307 | [Babe Ruth\'s Voice] Heroes get remembered, 2308 | 2309 | but legends never die. 2310 | 2311 | Follow your heart, kid, and you\'ll never go wrong. 2312 | 2313 | [ Snorts ] 2314 | 2315 | [ Snorts ] 2316 | 2317 | [ Snarling ] 2318 | 2319 | [ Sniffing ] 2320 | 2321 | [ Gulps ] 2322 | 2323 | [ Barks ] 2324 | 2325 | [ Knuckles Cracking ] 2326 | 2327 | [ Growls ] 2328 | 2329 | [ Barking ] 2330 | 2331 | - Whoa! - [ Boys Cheering ] 2332 | 2333 | [ Shouting ] 2334 | 2335 | - Yeah! Yeah! - Yeah! 2336 | 2337 | - Yeah! All right, Benny! - Oh, shit! 2338 | 2339 | - Wipe out - [ Barks ] 2340 | 2341 | [ Barking ] 2342 | 2343 | Come on! What are we waiting for? Let\'s get him! 2344 | 2345 | [Barking] 2346 | 2347 | A werewolf can be killed only with a silver bullet... 2348 | 2349 | or a silver knife or a stick... 2350 | 2351 | - with a silver handle. - You\'re insane. 2352 | 2353 | [ Barking ] 2354 | 2355 | [ Groaning ] 2356 | 2357 | Aah! 2358 | 2359 | Ohh! 2360 | 2361 | - The wolf bit you, didn\'t he? - Yeah, he did. 2362 | 2363 | Go now. And heaven help you. 2364 | 2365 | - [ Grunts ] - [ Growling ] 2366 | 2367 | [ Audience Shouting, Screaming ] 2368 | 2369 | Wipe out 2370 | 2371 | [Barking] 2372 | 2373 | [ Picnickers Exclaiming ] 2374 | 2375 | Look out! Aah! 2376 | 2377 | Hey! Hey! 2378 | 2379 | [ Gasping ] 2380 | 2381 | - [ Shouting ] - Hey, hey, hey! Kids! 2382 | 2383 | Put it down. Careful, careful. 2384 | 2385 | Whoa, whoa, whoa! 2386 | 2387 | Whoa, whoa, whoa! 2388 | 2389 | Mommy, Mommy, look. A doggy! 2390 | 2391 | [Woman Screaming] 2392 | 2393 | - Ooh, a big doggy. - [ People Shouting ] 2394 | 2395 | [ Girls Screaming] 2396 | 2397 | - Ohh! - Look out! Look out! 2398 | 2399 | Look out! Sandlot, sandlot, sandlot! 2400 | 2401 | Sandlot! Let\'s go! 2402 | 2403 | This way! Sandlot! Shortcut, you guys! Let\'s go! 2404 | 2405 | [ Barking ] 2406 | 2407 | [ Panting ] Where is he? 2408 | 2409 | Does anyone see him? 2410 | 2411 | I don\'t see him. 2412 | 2413 | There he is! 2414 | 2415 | [ Barking ] 2416 | 2417 | Oh, no. 2418 | 2419 | - [ Cloth Rips ] - [ Groans ] 2420 | 2421 | [ Barking ] 2422 | 2423 | Aah! [ Grunts ] 2424 | 2425 | [ Growls ] 2426 | 2427 | Look out! 2428 | 2429 | Oh, man. 2430 | 2431 | Oh, man. 2432 | 2433 | [Whimpering] 2434 | 2435 | Come on, guys. Help me! 2436 | 2437 | Please! 2438 | 2439 | Benny! Benny, help me, please! He\'s hurt! 2440 | 2441 | Come on. I can\'t lift it. 2442 | 2443 | - [The Beast Whimpering] - [ Grunting ] 2444 | 2445 | Let\'s go. 2446 | 2447 | Wow! 2448 | 2449 | Aw. 2450 | 2451 | - Wow! - [Benny] Now we can play forever. 2452 | 2453 | Hello? 2454 | 2455 | This is bad. 2456 | 2457 | This is very bad. 2458 | 2459 | Um, we-- we-- we brought your dog home. 2460 | 2461 | Hercules? 2462 | 2463 | How\'d he get out? 2464 | 2465 | I\'m telling you guys, we should\'ve just turned it loose. 2466 | 2467 | Um, uh, well, uh-- We, uh-- 2468 | 2469 | What happened was, we hit a baseball into your yard. We tried to get it back. 2470 | 2471 | - So you\'re the ones that\'ve been making all that racket. - Yes, sir. 2472 | 2473 | You get it? 2474 | 2475 | Um, y-yeah. 2476 | 2477 | Well, first time... 2478 | 2479 | that anybody ever got the best of old Hercules. 2480 | 2481 | Why didn\'t you just knock on the door? I\'d have gotten it for you. 2482 | 2483 | - [ All Shouting ] - Oh, my God! 2484 | 2485 | I can\'t believe you! 2486 | 2487 | - We got the ball back, didn\'t we? - We almost got killed! 2488 | 2489 | Didn\'t we get the ball back? Just shut up! 2490 | 2491 | We got the ball back. 2492 | 2493 | Thanks for bringing him home. 2494 | 2495 | Come on in. 2496 | 2497 | We\'ll talk about this baseball. 2498 | 2499 | Come on. 2500 | 2501 | You in trouble, aren\'t you, son? 2502 | 2503 | Yeah, well, uh, that was my stepdad\'s ball. 2504 | 2505 | I took it without asking. 2506 | 2507 | - It was signed by Babe Ruth. - George signed this? 2508 | 2509 | George Herman Ruth? Yeah. 2510 | 2511 | I take it back. You\'re not in trouble. You\'re dead where you stand. 2512 | 2513 | Hold on. 2514 | 2515 | Hold on. 2516 | 2517 | Here. 2518 | 2519 | I\'ll trade ya. 2520 | 2521 | That\'s nice of you, but that ball really is signed by Babe Ruth. 2522 | 2523 | So\'s this one, with the rest of the Yankees. 2524 | 2525 | Oh, man. Murderer\'s Row! 2526 | 2527 | Lou Gehrig! 2528 | 2529 | [Scotty] Babe Ruth! But why would you trade? 2530 | 2531 | That one\'s all chewed up. 2532 | 2533 | I got a lot of good stuff. Look at that stuff. 2534 | 2535 | Besides, you need it more than I do. 2536 | 2537 | You knew Babe Ruth? 2538 | 2539 | George? I sure did. And he knew me. 2540 | 2541 | He was almost as great a hitter as I was. 2542 | 2543 | - I would\'ve broken his record, but-- - You went blind. 2544 | 2545 | Yep. I used to crowd the plate... 2546 | 2547 | so the strike zone almost disappeared. 2548 | 2549 | [ Laughs ] Pitchers hate that. 2550 | 2551 | That\'s the way I played-- % all the time. 2552 | 2553 | Baseball was life. 2554 | 2555 | And I was good at it, real good. 2556 | 2557 | And then... one day, 2558 | 2559 | a high fast one, and pow, 2560 | 2561 | lights went out. 2562 | 2563 | I don\'t think we could take this ball. 2564 | 2565 | I\'ll tell you what. 2566 | 2567 | You guys come by once a week and talk baseball with me, we\'ll call it an even trade. 2568 | 2569 | Deal! 2570 | 2571 | [Scotty Narrating] Even though Bill loved the Murderer\'s Row ball, 2572 | 2573 | he was still plenty mad about me having swiped... 2574 | 2575 | his Babe Ruth autographed ball and ruining it. 2576 | 2577 | So I didn\'t feel too bad when he grounded me for a week... 2578 | 2579 | instead of the rest of my life. 2580 | 2581 | Wow! 2582 | 2583 | Things worked out between me and him. 2584 | 2585 | And from then on, I didn\'t have any trouble... 2586 | 2587 | just calling him Dad all the time. 2588 | 2589 | We all lived together in the neighborhood for a couple of more years-- 2590 | 2591 | mostly through junior high school-- and every summer was great. 2592 | 2593 | But none of them ever came close to that first one. 2594 | 2595 | When one guy would move away, 2596 | 2597 | we never replaced him on the team with anyone else. 2598 | 2599 | We just kept the game going like he was still there. 2600 | 2601 | You\'re starting to hurt my hand. 2602 | 2603 | [ Boy ] Don\'t miss it! 2604 | 2605 | [ Scotty Narrating ] It was weird that Benny said... 2606 | 2607 | Babe Ruth was like the Hercules of baseball, and The Beast\'s name ended up being Hercules. 2608 | 2609 | None of us could figure out what that meant, 2610 | 2611 | but we were all amazed by it. 2612 | 2613 | I kept in touch with those guys over the years, 2614 | 2615 | and I found out that Yeah- Yeah\'s parents shipped him off to military school. 2616 | 2617 | After the army, he became one of the pioneering developers of bungee jumping. 2618 | 2619 | Of course, we all know why. 2620 | 2621 | Bertram, well-- Bertram got really into the \' s, 2622 | 2623 | and no one ever saw him again. 2624 | 2625 | Timmy and Tommy became an architect and a contractor. 2626 | 2627 | They started out small, designing playground equipment... 2628 | 2629 | and prefabricated tree houses. 2630 | 2631 | But they became multimillionaires... 2632 | 2633 | when they invented mini-malls. 2634 | 2635 | Squints grew up and married Wendy Peffercorn. 2636 | 2637 | They have nine kids. 2638 | 2639 | They bought Vincent\'s Drugstore, and they still own it to this day. 2640 | 2641 | Hamilton Porter became a professional wrestler. 2642 | 2643 | You know him as The Great Hambino. 2644 | 2645 | DeNunez played triple-A ball, but he never got to the majors. 2646 | 2647 | He owns his own business now, and he coaches a little league team... 2648 | 2649 | that his sons play on called the Heaters. 2650 | 2651 | Hercules lived to be years old-- 2652 | 2653 | uh, in doggy years. 2654 | 2655 | I was the last one to move away. 2656 | 2657 | But when I did, the sandlot was still there. 2658 | 2659 | After Benny pickled The Beast, his reputation spread all over town. 2660 | 2661 | From then on, he was known as Benny "The Jet" Rodriguez. 2662 | 2663 | And the nickname stuck with him for the rest of his life. 2664 | 2665 | [Announcer] Now pinch running for the Los Angeles Dodgers, 2666 | 2667 | Benny "The Jet" Rodriguez! 2668 | 2669 | It is the clutch situation of the season. 2670 | 2671 | They say The Jet\'s lost a step or two, 2672 | 2673 | but I wouldn\'t be surprised to see some fireworks here. 2674 | 2675 | The Jet\'s got a suicide lead and-- 2676 | 2677 | And there he goes! He\'s stealing home! I don\'t believe it! 2678 | 2679 | - He\'s stealing home! - [ Cheering ] 2680 | 2681 | He\'s stealing home, and they don\'t see him! The pitch! 2682 | 2683 | He\'s hit the dirt! He\'s safe! Safe! 2684 | 2685 | - Oh, my God! - [ Cheering ] 2686 | 2687 | Safe! Safe! Safe! 2688 | 2689 | I don\'t believe it! The Jet stole home! The Jet stole home! 2690 | 2691 | [ Cheering Continues ] 2692 | 2693 | [ Cheering Continues ]' 2694 | end 2695 | end 2696 | 2697 | test.add_variant "Double Quoted" do 2698 | 1000000.times do 2699 | "There is one all-time greatest moment in the history of sports, 2700 | 2701 | and it happened in the 1932 World Series. 2702 | 2703 | The story goes that in the bottom of the ninth inning with two outs, 2704 | 2705 | a full count and the tying run on base, 2706 | 2707 | Babe Ruth raised his arm and pointed to the center field bleachers. 2708 | 2709 | No one believed it, because nobody had ever done it before. 2710 | 2711 | But The Babe was calling his shot. 2712 | 2713 | On the next pitch, the Great Bambino hit a towering home run. 2714 | 2715 | And even although he'd been a hero before that, 2716 | 2717 | that's pretty much how he became a legend. 2718 | 2719 | Thirty years later, a kid named Benjamin Franklin Rodriguez... 2720 | 2721 | became a neighborhood legend. 2722 | 2723 | It was in the greatest summer of my life... 2724 | 2725 | when he taught me to play baseball, 2726 | 2727 | and he became my best friend. 2728 | 2729 | And he got me out of the biggest pickle I'd ever be in. 2730 | 2731 | ['50s Rock] 2732 | 2733 | It's finger poppin' 2734 | 2735 | Poppin' time 2736 | 2737 | I feel so good 2738 | 2739 | And that's a real good sign 2740 | 2741 | [ Kids Shouting ] 2742 | 2743 | Here comes Mary Here comes Sue 2744 | 2745 | Here comes Johnny and Bobby too 2746 | 2747 | It's finger pop 2748 | 2749 | Poppin' time 2750 | 2751 | I feel so good 2752 | 2753 | - And that's a real good sign - Go! Go! Go! 2754 | 2755 | [ Shouting Continues ] 2756 | 2757 | I feel so good 2758 | 2759 | And that's a real good sign 2760 | 2761 | [ Snapping Fingers ] 2762 | 2763 | Come over at : . 2764 | 2765 | All right. See you later. 2766 | 2767 | I moved to the neighborhood two weeks before school let out. 2768 | 2769 | It was the same summer that Dodger Maury Wills would break the stolen bases record. 2770 | 2771 | It was the same summer that Dodger Maury Wills would break the stolen bases record. 2772 | 2773 | So with something that incredible going on, 2774 | 2775 | it should've started off with loads of great things happening for me, 2776 | 2777 | but it didn't. 2778 | 2779 | I was from another state, and I didn't have a single friend in a thousand miles. 2780 | 2781 | It was a lousy way to end up the fifth grade, 2782 | 2783 | 'cause I had zip time to make friends before summer. 2784 | 2785 | And that's about where it all started. 2786 | 2787 | My real dad died when I was just a little kid. 2788 | 2789 | My mom had married Bill about a year before we moved to the Valley. 2790 | 2791 | At the time, he and I were still getting used to each other. 2792 | 2793 | - [ Knocking ] - Yeah. 2794 | 2795 | - Um, Dad? - Mm-hm m? 2796 | 2797 | I -I mean Bill. 2798 | 2799 | - Remember you-- you promised you'd teach me to play catch? - Mm-hmm. 2800 | 2801 | Um, 2802 | 2803 | w-well, could you teach me? 2804 | 2805 | Yeah. Sure. 2806 | 2807 | Okay. 2808 | 2809 | - Okay? - Thanks. 2810 | 2811 | Sorry. 2812 | 2813 | [Man Narrating] I'd followed them to the sandlot once after school. 2814 | 2815 | - I'd never seen any place like it. - [ Boys Shouting ] 2816 | 2817 | It was like their own little baseball kingdom or something. 2818 | 2819 | It was the greatest place I'd ever seen anyway. 2820 | 2821 | - Bertram. - But they were good, 2822 | 2823 | - real good. - Come on, Bertram! 2824 | 2825 | And all I had was a plastic toy mitt that my grandmother gave me... 2826 | 2827 | for my birthday when I was six. 2828 | 2829 | But when I finally got up enough guts to go out there and try and make friends, 2830 | 2831 | I found out that they never kept score, they never chose sides, 2832 | 2833 | they never even really stopped playing the game. 2834 | 2835 | It just went on forever. Every day they picked up where they left off the day before. 2836 | 2837 | - It was like an endless dream game. - Come on! Come on! 2838 | 2839 | There was only eight of them, so they didn't have a whole team. 2840 | 2841 | So even though I didn't know how to play, I figured I could be the ninth man... 2842 | 2843 | and maybe just stand in the outfield somewhere and take up space. 2844 | 2845 | - Squints! - Of course, if I'd have known what was gonna happen when I got there, 2846 | 2847 | - I got it! - I probably never would've gone. 2848 | 2849 | - Nice catch. - Yeah. 2850 | 2851 | - Come on! - [ Rustling ] 2852 | 2853 | [ Dog Barking ] 2854 | 2855 | [ Clattering, Banging ] 2856 | 2857 | [ Growling ] 2858 | 2859 | Come on, Benny, hit a homer! 2860 | 2861 | - Come on! - Hey, batter, batter, batter! 2862 | 2863 | - Whoa! - Watch out! 2864 | 2865 | [ Boys Shouting ] 2866 | 2867 | - [ Screams ] - [ All Laughing ] 2868 | 2869 | Okay, I'll get it! Get it. 2870 | 2871 | Don't be a goofus. Don't be a goofus! Don't be a goofus! 2872 | 2873 | [Rumbling Sound, Dog Growling] 2874 | 2875 | - Throw the ball back! Come on! - Yeah, hurry up! 2876 | 2877 | [Barking] 2878 | 2879 | We are waiting! 2880 | 2881 | Come on! Throw it! 2882 | 2883 | [Boys Shouting] 2884 | 2885 | [ Shouting Continues ] 2886 | 2887 | - Come on, toss me the ball! - Come on! 2888 | 2889 | Come on! 2890 | 2891 | [ Boys Laughing ] 2892 | 2893 | - Oh, my God! - [ Laughing Continues ] 2894 | 2895 | My life's over. 2896 | 2897 | Did you see that hand? 2898 | 2899 | [Boys Chattering, Laughing] 2900 | 2901 | [Man Narrating] If it wasn't for Benny, 2902 | 2903 | I never would've made a single friend that summer, 2904 | 2905 | 'cause all the rest of those guys thought I was a lost cause. 2906 | 2907 | - Even before we became friends, - [ Mechanical Whirring ] 2908 | 2909 | Benny and me were connected, connected for the one moment later that summer... 2910 | 2911 | when I'd get us all into the biggest pickle... 2912 | 2913 | any of us had ever seen. 2914 | 2915 | [ Knocking ] 2916 | 2917 | Night, hon. [ Grunts ] 2918 | 2919 | Oh, I'm sorry, Mom. It was an accident. 2920 | 2921 | Scotty, have you made any friends yet? 2922 | 2923 | - No. - Why not, honey? 2924 | 2925 | 'Cause I'm still new. 2926 | 2927 | I don't want you sitting around in here all summer fiddling with this stuff... 2928 | 2929 | like you did last summer and the one before. 2930 | 2931 | I know you're smart, and I'm proud of you. 2932 | 2933 | I want you to get out into the fresh air and make some friends. 2934 | 2935 | Run around, scrape your knees, get dirty. 2936 | 2937 | Climb trees, hop fences. 2938 | 2939 | Get into trouble, for crying out loud. 2940 | 2941 | Not too much, but some. You have my permission. 2942 | 2943 | How many mothers do you know who say something like that to their sons? 2944 | 2945 | [ Chuckles ] Well, none mothers, I guess. 2946 | 2947 | Honey, I want you to make some friends this summer. Lots of them. 2948 | 2949 | Yeah, I know. 2950 | 2951 | But I'm not good at anything, Mom. 2952 | 2953 | Face it, I'm just an egghead. 2954 | 2955 | Honey, you'll always be just an egghead with an attitude like that. 2956 | 2957 | [TV: Indistinct] 2958 | 2959 | [ Whispering ] Well? 2960 | 2961 | Well? 2962 | 2963 | - He's too busy, Mom. - Oh, no, honey, he's not. He has some time. 2964 | 2965 | You go on back out there and ask him. 2966 | 2967 | [TV Continues ] 2968 | 2969 | - Uh, Bill, uh-- - Yeah? 2970 | 2971 | I mean, Dad, uh, can we-- 2972 | 2973 | I mean, could you, like you said, teach me to play catch? 2974 | 2975 | Yeah. Sure. 2976 | 2977 | But I gotta get this done, okay? 2978 | 2979 | - Okay, thanks. - All right. 2980 | 2981 | - Bill? - Yeah? 2982 | 2983 | Uh, couldn't you take a break and teach him now? 2984 | 2985 | - Mom, it's okay, really. - Honey, 2986 | 2987 | I said I would, and I will, but I'm under the gun here. 2988 | 2989 | How long could it take? 2990 | 2991 | Can't you spare half an hour and show him now? 2992 | 2993 | - Mom, really, it's okay. - All right. 2994 | 2995 | Okay. I'll get my glove. 2996 | 2997 | See? I told you. 2998 | 2999 | Oh, great. 3000 | 3001 | All right, Scotty, get down to that end of the yard. 3002 | 3003 | Okay. 3004 | 3005 | Now, the key to this game is keeping your eye on the ball. 3006 | 3007 | No matter whether you're in the field or at bat, eye on the ball, okay? 3008 | 3009 | All right. Uh, yeah. I think so. 3010 | 3011 | Where the ball goes, your glove should go. Got it? 3012 | 3013 | Okay. 3014 | 3015 | Okay. All right. 3016 | 3017 | [ Grunts ] 3018 | 3019 | Darn. Sorry. 3020 | 3021 | It's all right. All right. 3022 | 3023 | Um-- Uh, here. 3024 | 3025 | Okay. 3026 | 3027 | Okay, I'm ready. 3028 | 3029 | Eye on the ball, okay? Got it? 3030 | 3031 | Okay. 3032 | 3033 | If the ball moves, move your glove. Got it? 3034 | 3035 | Yeah. 3036 | 3037 | All right. Here we go. 3038 | 3039 | Okay. You just need a bigger glove. Throw it back to me this time. 3040 | 3041 | Throw it back. 3042 | 3043 | Okay. Scotty, keep your eye on the ball. 3044 | 3045 | Okay. Got it. 3046 | 3047 | Okay. 3048 | 3049 | Ow! Oh, my eye! 3050 | 3051 | Ow! Ow! Oh! 3052 | 3053 | Ow! Ow! 3054 | 3055 | - What happened? - [ Groans ] My eye. 3056 | 3057 | - Honey, get some ice. Ice. - No, I got it. 3058 | 3059 | - Here you go. - Those were for dinner. 3060 | 3061 | - Oh! -Just hold it up there. 3062 | 3063 | Nice and hard. Press it against-- Yeah. 3064 | 3065 | - I just took my eye off the ball, Mom. - Yeah, but you caught it. 3066 | 3067 | - [Groaning] -Just keep that on for, like, an hour. 3068 | 3069 | It'll still be black, but it won't swell. 3070 | 3071 | Sorry. 3072 | 3073 | Gotta watch out for that curve. 3074 | 3075 | [ Crying ] 3076 | 3077 | Hey. 3078 | 3079 | I'm gonna play some ball. We need an extra guy. You wanna go? 3080 | 3081 | - No. Thanks. - Why not? Don't you like baseball? 3082 | 3083 | - Oh, yeah, but-- - But what? 3084 | 3085 | But my glove-- it's busted. 3086 | 3087 | Uh, see? Now I can't go. Thanks, though. 3088 | 3089 | It's okay. 3090 | 3091 | I got an extra one. 3092 | 3093 | Come on. Let's go. 3094 | 3095 | Mom, I'm gonna go play some ball! 3096 | 3097 | I'll be back in a little while. 3098 | 3099 | Come on. Let's go. 3100 | 3101 | - And I'm Babe Ruth. - [Boys Chattering] 3102 | 3103 | Listen. Ready? 3104 | 3105 | Check this out. 3106 | 3107 | [ Muffled ] I'm the Great Bambino. 3108 | 3109 | [ Boys ] What? 3110 | 3111 | - I'm the Great Bambino. - [ All ] What? 3112 | 3113 | I'm the Great Bambino. 3114 | 3115 | [ All ] Oh! 3116 | 3117 | Who's that? 3118 | 3119 | What? 3120 | 3121 | [Scotty Narrating] I had no idea who they were talking about. 3122 | 3123 | - What did he say? - What, were you born in a barn, man? 3124 | 3125 | Yeah, what planet are you from? 3126 | 3127 | [Scotty Narrating] But there was no way I could let them know. 3128 | 3129 | You never heard of the Sultan of Swat? 3130 | 3131 | The Titan of Terror? 3132 | 3133 | - The Colossus of Clout? - The Colossus of Clout! 3134 | 3135 | - The King of Crash, man. - [Scotty Narrating] So I lied. 3136 | 3137 | Oh, yeah, the Great Bambino. Of course. 3138 | 3139 | I thought you said, \"the Great Bambi.\" 3140 | 3141 | That wimpy deer? 3142 | 3143 | Yeah. I guess. Sorry. 3144 | 3145 | Anyway, Scott, that's Timmy and Tommy Timmons, 3146 | 3147 | Mike \"Squints\" Palledorous, 3148 | 3149 | Alan McClellan-- we call him Yeah-Yeah-- 3150 | 3151 | Bertram Grover Weeks, 3152 | 3153 | Kenny DeNunez and Hamilton Porter. 3154 | 3155 | We call him Ham. Guys, this is Scott Smalls. 3156 | 3157 | Hi. 3158 | 3159 | Yeah, um, wel I, he's gonna play with us 'cause he makes nine. 3160 | 3161 | Now we've got a whole team. We're wasting time. Let's go to the sandlot. 3162 | 3163 | - Benny, it's : in the morning. - It's : . 3164 | 3165 | - Why'd you bring him, Benny? - 'Cause there's eight of us, and he makes nine. 3166 | 3167 | - Why'd you bring him, Benny? - 'Cause there's eight of us, and he makes nine. 3168 | 3169 | Yeah, yeah, so would my sister, but I didn't bring her. 3170 | 3171 | With nine guys we've got a whole team, Yeah-Yeah. 3172 | 3173 | No. With Elswenger we had a whole team. 3174 | 3175 | - Elswenger could catch. - And throw. 3176 | 3177 | Come on, Benny, man. He ain't game. 3178 | 3179 | - You saw the way he threw. - Yeah. 3180 | 3181 | You already fill up all the empty positions since Elswenger moved to Arizona. 3182 | 3183 | Right. And now I get to rotate eight positions instead of seven. 3184 | 3185 | - I need the practice, guys. - You're the best on the team. You don't need any practice. 3186 | 3187 | - No, you don't. - You're the best, man. 3188 | 3189 | Come on, Benny, man. The kid is... 3190 | 3191 | a L- weenie. 3192 | 3193 | Yeah, yeah. Oscar Mayer even. Foot-long! 3194 | 3195 | - Dodger dog! A weenie! - [Boys Laughing] 3196 | 3197 | What are you laughing at, Yeah-Yeah? You run like a duck. 3198 | 3199 | Okay, okay, but I'm-- I'm-- 3200 | 3201 | - Part of the game, right? - Mmm, yeah. 3202 | 3203 | Now, how come he don't get to be? 3204 | 3205 | - 'Cause he's a geek, man. - He can't catch. 3206 | 3207 | Man, base up, you blockheads. 3208 | 3209 | Smalls, you take left center, okay? 3210 | 3211 | Okay. Um, where exactly is that? 3212 | 3213 | It's over there, man. 3214 | 3215 | Here? 3216 | 3217 | That's left. I said left center. 3218 | 3219 | Okay. Right. 3220 | 3221 | Here? 3222 | 3223 | Come on, Benny, man. 3224 | 3225 | He's never gonna catch the ball anyway. Let's just play. 3226 | 3227 | - What a jerk. - Yeah-Yeah, get two. 3228 | 3229 | Come on! Throw it in here, Bertram! 3230 | 3231 | - Nice. - Wow! 3232 | 3233 | Good job! 3234 | 3235 | - Hey, Smalls, throw it to second. - Okay. 3236 | 3237 | [ Gasps ] 3238 | 3239 | - Come on, Benny. He's never gonna catch it. - He's not gonna catch it. 3240 | 3241 | [ Grunting ] 3242 | 3243 | Oh! I told you, Benny. We told you. 3244 | 3245 | [Dog Growling] 3246 | 3247 | Come on, Benny. Why'd you do that? 3248 | 3249 | A square, Benny. The kid's a square. 3250 | 3251 | [ Growling Continues ] 3252 | 3253 | Come on. Throw it in. 3254 | 3255 | What the hell's he doing? 3256 | 3257 | I don't believe this. 3258 | 3259 | Here. Sorry. Sorry. 3260 | 3261 | You can throw it, you know. 3262 | 3263 | No. 3264 | 3265 | I can't. 3266 | 3267 | I don't know how. 3268 | 3269 | Thanks for taking me here, but I think I'd better go. 3270 | 3271 | Hey, hey. You think too much. 3272 | 3273 | I bet you get straight A's and shit, huh? 3274 | 3275 | No, I got a \"B\" once. 3276 | 3277 | Actually an A-minus. But it should've been a \"B.\" 3278 | 3279 | Man, this is baseball. You gotta stop thinking. 3280 | 3281 | You just have fun. 3282 | 3283 | I mean, if you were having fun, you would've caught that ball. 3284 | 3285 | You ever have a paper route? 3286 | 3287 | I helped a guy once. 3288 | 3289 | Okay. Well, chuck it like you would throw a paper. 3290 | 3291 | When your arm gets here, just let go. 3292 | 3293 | Just let go. It's that easy. 3294 | 3295 | How do I catch it? 3296 | 3297 | Just stand there and stick your glove out in the air. 3298 | 3299 | I'll take care of it. 3300 | 3301 | About time, Benny. My clothes are going out of style. 3302 | 3303 | - They already are, Squints. - Shut up! 3304 | 3305 | I told you, Benny. 3306 | 3307 | Smalls, throw it to second. 3308 | 3309 | Okay. 3310 | 3311 | [ Groans ] 3312 | 3313 | - Not again. - [ Spits ] 3314 | 3315 | We're wasting time, Benny. 3316 | 3317 | Please catch it. 3318 | 3319 | Please catch it. 3320 | 3321 | Please catch it. Please catch it. 3322 | 3323 | Yeah! 3324 | 3325 | - All right! - He's all right. 3326 | 3327 | I told you so, man. 3328 | 3329 | Okay. 3330 | 3331 | - Let's play some ball. - Yeah, let's play some ball. 3332 | 3333 | All right. I knew it... all the time. 3334 | 3335 | Yeah! 3336 | 3337 | [Dog Growling] 3338 | 3339 | [Fence Rattling] 3340 | 3341 | [ Gasps ] 3342 | 3343 | I'll show you some more tomorrow, okay? 3344 | 3345 | - Okay. Bye. - You did good. 3346 | 3347 | See you later, Ham. : tomorrow. 3348 | 3349 | - : Benny? - Yeah. See you later, Smalls. 3350 | 3351 | Bye. See you tomorrow. 3352 | 3353 | Benny, wait! 3354 | 3355 | - Your glove. - Keep it, man. 3356 | 3357 | Thanks! 3358 | 3359 | Oh, yeah. Hey, Smalls. 3360 | 3361 | Um, bring a T-shirt and jeans tomorrow, okay? 3362 | 3363 | - Oh, um, you got a fireplace? - Oh, yeah. 3364 | 3365 | Yeah, why? 3366 | 3367 | Throw that hat in there, man. 3368 | 3369 | Oh, yeah. You know, it was the only one I had. 3370 | 3371 | Not anymore. Wear my old hat. 3372 | 3373 | : tomorrow morning. 3374 | 3375 | Thanks, Benny. Great. : . 3376 | 3377 | Mom, guess what? 3378 | 3379 | - Hamilton \"The Babe\" Porter. - [ Chuckles ] 3380 | 3381 | \"Long-ball\" Porter. 3382 | 3383 | Come on, DeNunez. 3384 | 3385 | [ All Laughing, Taunting ] 3386 | 3387 | Yeah, okay. Yes, I see it. Yes. 3388 | 3389 | [ Boys Shouting ] 3390 | 3391 | - Whoa! - [Boys Laughing] 3392 | 3393 | You call that pitching? 3394 | 3395 | This is baseball, not tennis. 3396 | 3397 | - Give him a tennis racket. - Give me something to hit. 3398 | 3399 | All right, Ham. This is my heater. 3400 | 3401 | - I dare you to hit it. - You'll be sorry. 3402 | 3403 | - Give that boy a bigger bat. - You want the heater, I'll give it to you. 3404 | 3405 | Give him a basketball. Maybe then he'll hit it. 3406 | 3407 | - [Clattering] - Oh, man! 3408 | 3409 | Yeah! That's how you do it. 3410 | 3411 | Ham, you idiot. Now we can't play no more. 3412 | 3413 | Great, you idiot! 3414 | 3415 | Hit me with the heater. 3416 | 3417 | Stupid idiot! 3418 | 3419 | Low and outside. Just like I like it. 3420 | 3421 | I'm gonna hit you! 3422 | 3423 | - Wait a sec. I'll get it. - [Ham] called shot World Series by The Babe. 3424 | 3425 | Called shot by the Babe. 3426 | 3427 | No! 3428 | 3429 | [ All ] No! 3430 | 3431 | [Boys Shouting] 3432 | 3433 | - Smalls, come back! - Hey guys, I'll get it! 3434 | 3435 | - Smalls! - Smalls! 3436 | 3437 | - What are you doing? - Smalls, wait! 3438 | 3439 | - Guys, what are you-- - [ All ] Smalls! 3440 | 3441 | Get off! Guys, I gotta get the ball! 3442 | 3443 | - No, wait! - Get off of me! Now! 3444 | 3445 | - You're gonna get yourself killed! - Killed, man, jeez! 3446 | 3447 | Stop! 3448 | 3449 | Holy crap, you could've been killed. 3450 | 3451 | Yeah, yeah, truly. What are you doing? 3452 | 3453 | You guys were leaving, so I just thought I'd hop the fence-- 3454 | 3455 | - If you were thinking, you wouldn't have thought that. - You can't go back there. 3456 | 3457 | - Then how do we get the ball back? - We don't. 3458 | 3459 | - We don't. - It's history. 3460 | 3461 | - It's history. Kiss it-- - Kiss it good-bye. Shut up, Tommy. 3462 | 3463 | It's gone, man. Gone. 3464 | 3465 | Game's over, man. We'll just get another ball tomorrow. 3466 | 3467 | - Yeah. - We'll never see it again. 3468 | 3469 | Why not? 3470 | 3471 | [ All ] The Beast. 3472 | 3473 | What is that? 3474 | 3475 | Smalls, listen to me. 3476 | 3477 | Go to that fence... real slow, and be quiet. 3478 | 3479 | - But... I-I think-- - No, no, no. No, no. 3480 | 3481 | -Just go and peek through that hole. - But I-- 3482 | 3483 | -But I saw something. What's back there? -It's okay. Just go. 3484 | 3485 | -Just go. - Go, Smalls. 3486 | 3487 | Come on, Smalls. 3488 | 3489 | [ All ] Shh! 3490 | 3491 | [Boys Whispering] 3492 | 3493 | Shh! 3494 | 3495 | - Shh! - Be quiet. 3496 | 3497 | - [ Growling ] - [ Gasps ] 3498 | 3499 | Something got the ball. 3500 | 3501 | W-What was that thing? 3502 | 3503 | [ All ] Camp out. 3504 | 3505 | In the jungle the mighty jungle 3506 | 3507 | The lion sleeps tonight 3508 | 3509 | [Scotty] Hey, guys, sorry I'm late. 3510 | 3511 | - My mom made me put on my jacket, - Shut up! 3512 | 3513 | - and then she made me do the dishes. - [ Boys Laughing] 3514 | 3515 | Your poor little mommy made you do the big bad dishes. 3516 | 3517 | - Hey, you want a s'more? - Some more what? 3518 | 3519 | - No, no, you want a s'more? - [Boys Chattering] 3520 | 3521 | I haven't had anything yet, so how can I have some more of nothing? 3522 | 3523 | - Shut up! - You're killing me, Smalls. 3524 | 3525 | - All right. Who cut one? - These are s'mores stuff. 3526 | 3527 | - Okay, pay attention. - Bertram! 3528 | 3529 | First you take the graham. 3530 | 3531 | You stick the chocolate on the graham. 3532 | 3533 | - Then you roast the 'mallow. - No, it's my sleeping bag. 3534 | 3535 | When the 'mallow's flaming, 3536 | 3537 | Yes, it is yours. It has a yellow stain on it. 3538 | 3539 | you stick it on the chocolate. 3540 | 3541 | - You're gonna set the place on fire. - Then... 3542 | 3543 | - you cover it with the other end. - Make me one of those. 3544 | 3545 | Yeah, me too. 3546 | 3547 | - Then you stuff. - I don't like that chocolate stuff. 3548 | 3549 | Kind of messy, but good. Try some. 3550 | 3551 | Okay. Quiet, you guys. 3552 | 3553 | - [ Chattering ] - Shh! Shh! 3554 | 3555 | Quiet! Are you trying to wake it up? 3556 | 3557 | It just went to bed. 3558 | 3559 | - What just went to bed? - [ Boys ] Shh! 3560 | 3561 | The Beast. 3562 | 3563 | - Oh, yeah! - Shh! 3564 | 3565 | -Jeez. - Dang. 3566 | 3567 | Shh. 3568 | 3569 | Now quiet. 3570 | 3571 | The legend of The Beast goes back a long time... 3572 | 3573 | before any of us could even pick up a baseball. 3574 | 3575 | Back to a place called Mertle's Acres. 3576 | 3577 | It all started about, mmm, years ago, 3578 | 3579 | when thieves kept stealing junk from Mertle's Acres junkyard. 3580 | 3581 | So Mr. Mertle, the guy that used to own the place, 3582 | 3583 | got him this new pup from the dog pound. 3584 | 3585 | He fed him whole sides of beef... 3586 | 3587 | and turned the pup loose in the junkyard. 3588 | 3589 | And the pup was grateful. 3590 | 3591 | [ Thunderous Footsteps ] 3592 | 3593 | And so, in a few weeks, the pup grew into The Beast. 3594 | 3595 | And he grew big, and he grew mean... 3596 | 3597 | so that he could protect the junkyard with only one thing on his mind: 3598 | 3599 | to kill everyone that broke in. 3600 | 3601 | - And he did, and he liked it a lot! - [ Men Screaming ] 3602 | 3603 | The Beast was the most perfect junkyard dog that ever lived. 3604 | 3605 | A true killing machine. 3606 | 3607 | But after a while, the cops started getting phone calls from people... 3608 | 3609 | reporting all the missing thieves, 3610 | 3611 | the ones The Beast had killed. 3612 | 3613 | It added up to about -- 3614 | 3615 | guys. 3616 | 3617 | - It's true. - [ Growling ] 3618 | 3619 | They never found a single body. 3620 | 3621 | Not one. Some people say they all got away. 3622 | 3623 | But we all know what really happened. 3624 | 3625 | The Beast ate them. 3626 | 3627 | He ate them bone and all. 3628 | 3629 | The Beast was too good at his guard dog job, 3630 | 3631 | so the police said he had to be retired. 3632 | 3633 | My grandpa, Squidman Palledorous, 3634 | 3635 | was police chiefback then. 3636 | 3637 | He ordered Mr. Mertle to turn his backyard into a fortress... 3638 | 3639 | and chain up The Beast and put him under the house... 3640 | 3641 | where he could never get out to eat children and stuff. 3642 | 3643 | - That's where he's been for years. - [ Growling ] 3644 | 3645 | And that's where he'll be for the rest of his life. 3646 | 3647 | Because Mr. Mertle asked the cops how long... 3648 | 3649 | he had to keep The Beast chained up like a slave, 3650 | 3651 | they said until forever. 3652 | 3653 | Forever. Forever. 3654 | 3655 | Forever. Forever. 3656 | 3657 | Forever. [ Echoing ] 3658 | 3659 | And so, The Beast sits there under that lean-to, 3660 | 3661 | dreaming of the time when he can break the chain and get out, 3662 | 3663 | dreaming of the time he can chase and kill again. 3664 | 3665 | See, man? That's why you can't go over there. 3666 | 3667 | Nobody ever has. Nobody ever will. 3668 | 3669 | One kid did, but nobody ever seen him again. 3670 | 3671 | - That ain't true. - Yeah, it is. 3672 | 3673 | He got eaten. 3674 | 3675 | Nuh-uh. 3676 | 3677 | No. None of that's true. 3678 | 3679 | You guys are just making this up to scare me. 3680 | 3681 | Oh, yeah? 3682 | 3683 | Stick your head out that window... 3684 | 3685 | and look down. 3686 | 3687 | [Scotty Narrating] That night I learned that more than baseballs... 3688 | 3689 | had gone over that fence and not one of them was ever seen again, 3690 | 3691 | - even when some brave kid... - [ The Beast Growling ] 3692 | 3693 | worked up enough courage to peek over. 3694 | 3695 | Because when they went over, they vanished. 3696 | 3697 | I knew it was true. 3698 | 3699 | - Because when I looked down in there, - [ Growling Continues ] 3700 | 3701 | I didn't see a single solitary one. 3702 | 3703 | - [ Chain Rattling ] - [ Screaming ] 3704 | 3705 | - He's down there. - You bet he is. 3706 | 3707 | Whatever goes over that fence... 3708 | 3709 | stays there. 3710 | 3711 | It becomes the property of The Beast... 3712 | 3713 | forever. 3714 | 3715 | - Come on, give it to me. - No, I wanna carry it. 3716 | 3717 | - Come on. I paid for it. - I wanna carry it. 3718 | 3719 | - Oh. Whoa! - Give it to me. 3720 | 3721 | - There goes my baby - Jeez Louise. 3722 | 3723 | - What's the matter? - Jeez. 3724 | 3725 | Movin' on down the line 3726 | 3727 | Wonderin' where Wonderin' where 3728 | 3729 | Wonderin' where she is bound 3730 | 3731 | Wendy Peffercorn. Mmm. 3732 | 3733 | - Whoa! - Wow! 3734 | 3735 | Now I'm alone so all alone 3736 | 3737 | What can I do What can I do 3738 | 3739 | - There goes my baby - Whoa-oa-oa 3740 | 3741 | - There goes my baby - Whoa, I-I-I-I 3742 | 3743 | - There goes my baby - Whoa-oa-oa 3744 | 3745 | - There she goes - Yeah 3746 | 3747 | - Come on, let's go. We gotta get-- - No! 3748 | 3749 | - We gotta get to the sandlot. Let's go. - Did she really love me 3750 | 3751 | - [ Chattering ] - Was she just playin' 3752 | 3753 | - Come on. Let's go. - Okay. 3754 | 3755 | [ Panting ] I'm sweating like a pig. 3756 | 3757 | Let's go! Come on! 3758 | 3759 | Where you guys been? We've been waiting here forever already. 3760 | 3761 | Aw, Squints was pervin' a dish. 3762 | 3763 | - Shut up. I wasn't. - Yeah, yeah, you were. 3764 | 3765 | Your tongue was hangin' out of your head, and you was swoonin'. 3766 | 3767 | Oh, Wendy Peffercorn, my darling lover girl. [ Chuckles ] 3768 | 3769 | I said shut up! 3770 | 3771 | I've got a lot of things on my mind. 3772 | 3773 | This pop isn't working, Benny. 3774 | 3775 | I'm baking like a toasted cheeser! It's so hot here! 3776 | 3777 | It's degrees out there. You can't play baseball. 3778 | 3779 | - You have to call it for the day. - You gotta listen to him, Benny. 3780 | 3781 | Vote then. Anybody who wants to be... 3782 | 3783 | a \"can't hack it\" panty waist... 3784 | 3785 | who wears their mama's bra, raise your hand. 3786 | 3787 | - Yeah, I can handle that. - [ Chattering In Agreement ] 3788 | 3789 | Fine, fine, fine! 3790 | 3791 | Be like that. 3792 | 3793 | So what are we gonna do? 3794 | 3795 | [ Laughing ] 3796 | 3797 | Scam pool honeys! 3798 | 3799 | [Scotty Narrating] Benny would've played ball all day, all night, rain, 3800 | 3801 | shine, tidal wave, whatever. 3802 | 3803 | Baseball was the only thing he cared about. 3804 | 3805 | But of all the things we ever did besides baseball, 3806 | 3807 | going to the pool was what he tolerated best. 3808 | 3809 | Even though none of us had ever seen a Playboy magazine, 3810 | 3811 | - which we constantly lied about, - Hi. 3812 | 3813 | we figured going to the pool was the next best thing to being there. 3814 | 3815 | I remember you. Oh, sexy. 3816 | 3817 | Hey, girls. 3818 | 3819 | Cannonball! 3820 | 3821 | [ Women Screaming ] 3822 | 3823 | [ Scotty Narrating ] It wasn't really the pool honeys like we said, 3824 | 3825 | because if any one of them had come up to any one of us, we'd have just peed our pants. 3826 | 3827 | We all went because-- 3828 | 3829 | well, because Wendy Peffercorn was the lifeguard. 3830 | 3831 | - Aw, man. - Yeah, yeah. Too cool. 3832 | 3833 | [ Timmy ] She don't know what she's doing. 3834 | 3835 | [ Tommy ] She don't know what she's doing. 3836 | 3837 | [ Benny ] Yeah, she does. 3838 | 3839 | She knows exactly what she's doing. 3840 | 3841 | I've swum here every summer of my adult life. 3842 | 3843 | And every summer, there she is, 3844 | 3845 | lotioning, oiling, oiling, lotioning. 3846 | 3847 | - One day it became too much... - Smiling. 3848 | 3849 | - for Michael \"Squints\" Palledorous. - Smiling! 3850 | 3851 | I can't take this no more! 3852 | 3853 | - Move! - And he did the most desperate thing... 3854 | 3855 | - Lotioning, oiling. - any of us... 3856 | 3857 | - had ever seen. - Lotioning, 3858 | 3859 | oiling. 3860 | 3861 | [ Chuckles ] 3862 | 3863 | - What's wrong with him? - What's he doing? 3864 | 3865 | Three summers of this. I think he finally snapped. 3866 | 3867 | I don't know. But that's the deep end, and Squints can't swim. 3868 | 3869 | [ Shuddering ] 3870 | 3871 | [ Giggles ] 3872 | 3873 | [ All Shouting ] 3874 | 3875 | [Shouting Continues ] 3876 | 3877 | - Somebody help him! - Squints! 3878 | 3879 | Somebody help him! Come on! 3880 | 3881 | [ Shouting Continues ] 3882 | 3883 | Move back. Move back. 3884 | 3885 | - Okay, I got him. I got him. - Come on up, Wendy. 3886 | 3887 | Everybody move back. Move back. Roll him over. 3888 | 3889 | Never mind! Never mind! 3890 | 3891 | - Come on, Squints. - [ Exhaling Forcefully] 3892 | 3893 | - Come on, Squints. - Come on! 3894 | 3895 | - Squints! - [ Exhaling Forcefully] 3896 | 3897 | - Come on, Squints. Squints. - Come on, Squints. Come on. 3898 | 3899 | - Wake up. - Come on, breathe, would you? 3900 | 3901 | Come on, Squints! You can do it! Pull through, bud! 3902 | 3903 | - Come on, man! Come on! - Yeah, yeah. He looks pretty crappy. 3904 | 3905 | Squints! Come on, man. 3906 | 3907 | Oh, God, he looks like a dead fish. 3908 | 3909 | [ Boys ] What? 3910 | 3911 | - This magic moment - [ Muffled Grunt ] 3912 | 3913 | - [ Screams ] Little pervert! - So different 3914 | 3915 | - Oh, man, he's in deep shit. - And so new 3916 | 3917 | - [Boys Shouting] - Was like any other 3918 | 3919 | Until I kissed you 3920 | 3921 | And then it happened 3922 | 3923 | It took me by surprise 3924 | 3925 | I knew that you felt it too 3926 | 3927 | - By the look in your eyes - And stay out! 3928 | 3929 | Sweeter than wine 3930 | 3931 | Softer than the summer night 3932 | 3933 | Everything I want I have 3934 | 3935 | Whenever I hold you tight 3936 | 3937 | This magic moment 3938 | 3939 | While your lips are close to mine 3940 | 3941 | Will last forever 3942 | 3943 | Oh, hey, here's your glasses. Did you plan that? 3944 | 3945 | Of course I did. I been planning it for years. 3946 | 3947 | You guys, he planned that! He knew what he was doing! 3948 | 3949 | Oh, magic 3950 | 3951 | Michael \"Squints\" Palledorous walked a little taller that day. 3952 | 3953 | We had to tip our hats to him. 3954 | 3955 | He was lucky she hadn't beat the crap out of him. 3956 | 3957 | We wouldn't have blamed her. What he'd done was sneaky, 3958 | 3959 | rotten and low... and cool. 3960 | 3961 | Not another one among us would've ever in a million years... 3962 | 3963 | even for a million dollars had the guts to put the move on the lifeguard. 3964 | 3965 | He did. He had kissed a woman, 3966 | 3967 | and he had kissed her long and good. 3968 | 3969 | We got banned from the pool forever that day. 3970 | 3971 | But every time we walked by after that, 3972 | 3973 | the lifeguard looked down from her tower, 3974 | 3975 | - This magic moment - right over at Squints... 3976 | 3977 | - and smiled. - While your lips are close to mine 3978 | 3979 | [ Boys Laughing, Chattering ] 3980 | 3981 | - O beautiful - [ Knocking ] 3982 | 3983 | - Get your glove and come on. - What's the big deal? 3984 | 3985 | - Night game. Come on. Come on. - Mom, I'm going out! 3986 | 3987 | In liberating strife 3988 | 3989 | Who more than self 3990 | 3991 | - [Fireworks Whistling] - The country loved 3992 | 3993 | [Scotty Narrating] There was only one night game a year. 3994 | 3995 | - Guys, wait up! - On the th of July... 3996 | 3997 | the whole sky would brighten up with fireworks, 3998 | 3999 | giving us just enough light for a game. 4000 | 4001 | We played our best then because, I guess, we all felt like the big leaguers... 4002 | 4003 | under the lights of some great stadium. 4004 | 4005 | Benny felt like that all the time. 4006 | 4007 | We all knew he was gonna go on to bigger and better games, 4008 | 4009 | because every time we stopped to watch the sky on those nights like regular kids, 4010 | 4011 | he was there to call us back. 4012 | 4013 | You see, for us, baseball was a game. 4014 | 4015 | But for Benjamin Franklin Rodriguez, 4016 | 4017 | baseball was life. 4018 | 4019 | - [ Boys Shouting ] - And every grain divine 4020 | 4021 | - Okay, hit it! - Yeah, yeah, come on, Benny. 4022 | 4023 | O beautiful 4024 | 4025 | For spacious skies 4026 | 4027 | - For amber waves of grain - [ Fireworks Whistling, Crackling ] 4028 | 4029 | For purple mountain majesties 4030 | 4031 | Above the fruited plain 4032 | 4033 | Now wait a minute. 4034 | 4035 | I'm talking about-- 4036 | 4037 | America 4038 | 4039 | Sweet 4040 | 4041 | America 4042 | 4043 | You know-- 4044 | 4045 | God done shed His grace on thee 4046 | 4047 | He-He-He crowned thy good 4048 | 4049 | Yes, He did. 4050 | 4051 | In a brotherhood 4052 | 4053 | - Man! - From sea 4054 | 4055 | To shining sea 4056 | 4057 | [ Boys Shouting ] 4058 | 4059 | [ Boys Shouting ] 4060 | 4061 | - Come on! Hurry up! - First! 4062 | 4063 | Run! 4064 | 4065 | Back off! 4066 | 4067 | Yeah, yeah! 4068 | 4069 | - Throw it in! Throw it in! - Get him! Get him! 4070 | 4071 | Come on! Come on! Come on! 4072 | 4073 | - Come on! Hurry up! - Go, Benny! 4074 | 4075 | - [ Groaning ] - Oh, damn! 4076 | 4077 | Oh, no! 4078 | 4079 | It's easy when you play with a bunch of rejects and a fat kid, Rodriguez. 4080 | 4081 | - Shut your mouth, Phillips. - What'd you say, crap face? 4082 | 4083 | I said you shouldn't even be allowed to touch a baseball. 4084 | 4085 | Except for Rodriguez, you're all an insult to the game. 4086 | 4087 | Come on! We'll take you on right here, right now! 4088 | 4089 | - Come on! - [ All Shouting In Agreement ] 4090 | 4091 | We play on a real diamond, Porter. 4092 | 4093 | You ain't good enough to lick the dirt off our cleats. 4094 | 4095 | - Watch it, jerk. - Shut up, idiot! 4096 | 4097 | - Moron! - Scab eater! 4098 | 4099 | - Butt sniffer! - Pus licker! 4100 | 4101 | - Fart smeller! - [ Sniffing ] Ah! 4102 | 4103 | You eat dog crap for breakfast, geek. 4104 | 4105 | You mix your Wheaties with your mama's toe jam! 4106 | 4107 | [ All ] Yeah! 4108 | 4109 | You bob for apples in the toilet and you like it. 4110 | 4111 | - Ooh. - You play ball like a girl! 4112 | 4113 | [ Laughing ] 4114 | 4115 | - What did you say? - You heard me. 4116 | 4117 | Tomorrow. 4118 | 4119 | Noon. At our field. 4120 | 4121 | Be there, buffalo-butt breath. 4122 | 4123 | Count on it, pee-drinking crap face! 4124 | 4125 | [ All ] Yeah! 4126 | 4127 | Let's go! 4128 | 4129 | [ Chattering ] 4130 | 4131 | We're gonna kick their butts tomorrow. 4132 | 4133 | Yeah! 4134 | 4135 | - Good job. -Jerks. 4136 | 4137 | Play ball! 4138 | 4139 | Hurry up, batter. 4140 | 4141 | It's gonna be a short game, and I gotta get home for lunch. 4142 | 4143 | [ Snickers ] That's one. 4144 | 4145 | You know, if I had a dog as ugly as you, 4146 | 4147 | I'd shave his butt and tell him to walk backwards. 4148 | 4149 | The heater. 4150 | 4151 | Here it comes. I dare you. 4152 | 4153 | Strike three. You're out. 4154 | 4155 | Hey, is that your sister out there in left field, naked? 4156 | 4157 | - She's naked. - Shut up, Porter! 4158 | 4159 | Hey, hey, hey. 4160 | 4161 | I'm just trying to have a little friendly conversation. 4162 | 4163 | Come on. You think she'd go out with me? 4164 | 4165 | Come on. Show me your stuff. 4166 | 4167 | - Let's see what you got. - Hey, batter, batter, batter! 4168 | 4169 | - Take him out! - [Boys Shouting] 4170 | 4171 | - Come on! - Bring it in! 4172 | 4173 | - Oh! Beat ya. - [ Shouting Continues ] 4174 | 4175 | Throw it to third! 4176 | 4177 | [Scotty Narrating ] We were all walking on air that night. 4178 | 4179 | It had been a solid victory. 4180 | 4181 | In fact, we beat the crap out of those guys. 4182 | 4183 | So we all went to celebrate. 4184 | 4185 | And we did the stupidest thing... 4186 | 4187 | any of us had ever done. 4188 | 4189 | - Hey, guys, it's all on me tonight. - [ All Shouting ] 4190 | 4191 | Thanks, Benny! 4192 | 4193 | Nine tickets, please. 4194 | 4195 | - Hey, Benny. - Thanks. 4196 | 4197 | - Hey, Benny. - Benny. 4198 | 4199 | - Come on, you guys! - What about me? Thanks. 4200 | 4201 | Aw, crap! I almost forgot! 4202 | 4203 | - What? - What? 4204 | 4205 | Chaw! I was saving it for a good time. 4206 | 4207 | - What is it? - Big Chief. 4208 | 4209 | [ Sniffing ] The best! 4210 | 4211 | Jeez, Smalls. I suppose you don't even know who The Babe is either. 4212 | 4213 | It's plug. Wad. Chewing tobacco. 4214 | 4215 | - 'Baccy, man. - What do you do with it? 4216 | 4217 | You're killing me, Smalls. 4218 | 4219 | - Chew it, of course. Yes. - You do? 4220 | 4221 | Yeah, sure, man. All the pros do it. 4222 | 4223 | Yeah, yeah. Gives you tons of energy. 4224 | 4225 | - Let's dip. Let's dip. - You got it, guys. 4226 | 4227 | Come on. I want some. 4228 | 4229 | - Mm. Mm. - Mm. 4230 | 4231 | - The best. - Let's ride! 4232 | 4233 | - Yeah! - Yeah! 4234 | 4235 | [' s Rock ] 4236 | 4237 | Mm! 4238 | 4239 | [ Continues ] 4240 | 4241 | - Yeah-hah! - Yeah! 4242 | 4243 | - Whoo-hoo! - Squints, this is the best! 4244 | 4245 | Wow! Yeah! Whoo! 4246 | 4247 | All right! 4248 | 4249 | Tequila 4250 | 4251 | Yeah! 4252 | 4253 | [ Moaning ] 4254 | 4255 | Blech! 4256 | 4257 | [ Moaning Continues ] 4258 | 4259 | [ Moans ] 4260 | 4261 | Tequila 4262 | 4263 | - [Vomiting ] - [Vomiting] 4264 | 4265 | - [Vomiting] - [Women Screaming ] 4266 | 4267 | [ Screaming ] 4268 | 4269 | - [ Belching ] - Tequila 4270 | 4271 | [ Belches ] Oh, that feels better. 4272 | 4273 | I'll be back in an hour. I'm gonna take your dad to the airport. 4274 | 4275 | Oh, okay. 4276 | 4277 | Honey, are you feeling all right? You look kind of pale. 4278 | 4279 | - I'm fine, Mom. - You sure? 4280 | 4281 | - I'm fine, really. - All right. 4282 | 4283 | Listen, Scott. 4284 | 4285 | While I'm gone, you're the man of the house. Understand? 4286 | 4287 | - Okay. - Okay. 4288 | 4289 | - Where are you going? - Chicago. 4290 | 4291 | On business for a week. 4292 | 4293 | - We'll take another stab at catch when I get back, all right? - Yeah, I guess so. 4294 | 4295 | - Take care of things for me. - Okay. 4296 | 4297 | - All right? - I will. 4298 | 4299 | Okay. Be a good boy. 4300 | 4301 | - I will. - Okay. 4302 | 4303 | [Scotty Narrating] A couple days after we all got over acting like big shots, 4304 | 4305 | we swore off the hard stuff forever and just stuck to Bazooka. 4306 | 4307 | But the day we all got back together for some baseball... 4308 | 4309 | was the day I got us into the biggest pickle of all time, 4310 | 4311 | and it all started with an omen. 4312 | 4313 | Oh, man. 4314 | 4315 | I don't believe it. 4316 | 4317 | - Bitchin'. - [ Benny ] Nah, it ain't. 4318 | 4319 | Come on. Maybe two or three guys in history... 4320 | 4321 | ever busted the guts out of a ball. 4322 | 4323 | - Must be an omen. - All's it means is that we can't play no more. 4324 | 4325 | It's only : and I just ruined the whole day for us. 4326 | 4327 | No, you didn't. That's the most amazing thing I ever saw. 4328 | 4329 | - Yeah. - [Benny] Anybody got any money? 4330 | 4331 | - [ All ] No. - Then it ain't okay, 'cause now we can't play no more. 4332 | 4333 | Yeah, we can. 4334 | 4335 | What, you got extra cents lying around, Smalls? 4336 | 4337 | - No, but I got a ball. - [ All ] Go get it! 4338 | 4339 | I got it, guys! I got it! I got the ball, guys! 4340 | 4341 | I got it. Right here, guys. 4342 | 4343 | I got the ball. I got it. 4344 | 4345 | - Here, Benny. I got it. - Bitchin'. Your ball, your ups. 4346 | 4347 | - Here you go. - Okay. 4348 | 4349 | All right. Come on. Kenny, here. 4350 | 4351 | Come on. Yeah, come on! 4352 | 4353 | Batter up! 4354 | 4355 | [Sighs ] Your fly's open. 4356 | 4357 | [ Snickers ] There's one. 4358 | 4359 | One, two, three. 4360 | 4361 | Three strikes, three pitches. 4362 | 4363 | [ All ] Hey, batter, batter, batter! 4364 | 4365 | - Come on, Smalls! - Hey, batter, batter, batter! 4366 | 4367 | Oh, my. Oh, man. 4368 | 4369 | - Run! - Yes! 4370 | 4371 | Way to go, school meat! I taught him everything. 4372 | 4373 | [ All Shouting ] 4374 | 4375 | Oh, man, that was great. That went clear over. 4376 | 4377 | Hey, uh, Smalls, third base is that way. 4378 | 4379 | Hey, Smalls. Smalls. 4380 | 4381 | - Go to third. - Oh, no. Oh, no. 4382 | 4383 | Yeah! Nice hit, Smalls. Nice hit. Yeah! 4384 | 4385 | - Oh, no. - It's outta here! Who's got the big bat now? 4386 | 4387 | - [ All ] Smalls! Smalls! Smalls! - Smalls? 4388 | 4389 | You forgot to turn. 4390 | 4391 | You go to third base! 4392 | 4393 | Smalls-- 4394 | 4395 | What the hell's he doing? 4396 | 4397 | Maybe the shock of his first homer was just too much for him. 4398 | 4399 | Yeah. 4400 | 4401 | - [ Chattering ] - Smalls. 4402 | 4403 | Smalls? Smalls. 4404 | 4405 | [The Beast Growling] 4406 | 4407 | - We got to get that ball back. - Oh, yeah, right. 4408 | 4409 | - Good one, Smalls. - [Laughing] Yeah, good one, Smalls. 4410 | 4411 | Hey, forget about it, man. Let's get another ball. 4412 | 4413 | No, you don't understand! 4414 | 4415 | Sure, we do. You feel bad 'cause you belted a homer. Now we can't play no more. 4416 | 4417 | No, you don't understand! That wasn't my ball! 4418 | 4419 | What do you mean, that wasn't your ball? 4420 | 4421 | It was my stepdad's. 4422 | 4423 | I stole it from his trophy room. 4424 | 4425 | It was a present or something. Somebody gave it to him. 4426 | 4427 | We gotta get it back. He's gonna kill me! 4428 | 4429 | Ohh. 4430 | 4431 | Listen to me, Smalls. 4432 | 4433 | It's a matter of life and death. 4434 | 4435 | Where did your old man get that ball? 4436 | 4437 | What? I don't know. Some lady gave it to him. 4438 | 4439 | - Why? - What? Some lady? 4440 | 4441 | Yeah. She even signed her name on it. Some lady named... 4442 | 4443 | Ruth, Baby Ruth. 4444 | 4445 | [ All Shouting ] Babe Ruth? 4446 | 4447 | [ Shouting Continues ] 4448 | 4449 | [The Beast Growling] 4450 | 4451 | No! 4452 | 4453 | [ All Shouting ] 4454 | 4455 | The Beast got it. 4456 | 4457 | - You're dead as a doornail, Smalls. - You're dead as a doornail. 4458 | 4459 | Smalls, you mean to tell me that you went home and swiped a ball... 4460 | 4461 | that was signed by Babe Ruth, 4462 | 4463 | - and you brought it here and actually played with it? - Actually played with it? 4464 | 4465 | - Yeah, but I was gonna bring it back. - But it was signed by Babe Ruth. 4466 | 4467 | Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You keep telling me that. Who is she? 4468 | 4469 | What? 4470 | 4471 | What? 4472 | 4473 | - The Sultan of Swat. - The King of Crash. 4474 | 4475 | - The Colossus of Clout. - The Colossus of Clout. 4476 | 4477 | [Together] Babe Ruth! 4478 | 4479 | The Great Bambino! 4480 | 4481 | Oh, my God! You mean that's the same guy? 4482 | 4483 | [ All ] Yes! 4484 | 4485 | Smalls, Babe Ruth is the greatest baseball player that ever lived. 4486 | 4487 | People say he was less than a god but more than a man. 4488 | 4489 | You know, like Hercules or something. 4490 | 4491 | That ball you just aced to The Beast is worth, 4492 | 4493 | well, more than your whole life. 4494 | 4495 | [ Groans ] I don't feel so good. 4496 | 4497 | - Uh-oh, fan him. - Give him air, give him air. 4498 | 4499 | We have to get that ball back. 4500 | 4501 | - When does your old man get home from work? - He's gone on business. 4502 | 4503 | Out of town. But he could be back anytime. 4504 | 4505 | All right. Find out when. 4506 | 4507 | And, guys, spread out and look for bottles and cash 'em in. 4508 | 4509 | We need cents. We gotta buy us a ball. 4510 | 4511 | - Yeah! - [ Chattering ] 4512 | 4513 | - Come on. Let's go! - Go, go, go, go! Move, move! 4514 | 4515 | Come on. Open it up! Hurry up, hurry up! 4516 | 4517 | - Give me the ball. - Give me something to write with. 4518 | 4519 | - I got a pencil. - Give me a pen, not a pencil! 4520 | 4521 | - Sorry. - I got a pen. 4522 | 4523 | Babe-- 4524 | 4525 | - Baby Ruthie? - It says, \"Babe Ruth.\" 4526 | 4527 | - I don't know, Benny, man. - Yeah, boy, that looks pretty crappy. 4528 | 4529 | It doesn't matter what it looks like. 4530 | 4531 | His mom's never gonna know the difference. 4532 | 4533 | - This'll just buy us some time, you dorks. - Okay, come on. 4534 | 4535 | - Scotty? - [ Gasps ] Uh, in here, Mom. 4536 | 4537 | Oh, hi, honey. What are you doing in here? 4538 | 4539 | Uh, just looking at Bill's-- 4540 | 4541 | I mean, uh, Dad's baseball. 4542 | 4543 | You know he doesn't like you to touch his things. 4544 | 4545 | Yeah. I-- I know. Sorry, Mom. 4546 | 4547 | Has he ever told you about that ball? 4548 | 4549 | Uh, no. Uh, not really. 4550 | 4551 | I-- I don't think so. No, no, no, he hasn't at all. 4552 | 4553 | I don't-- I don't know anything about it. 4554 | 4555 | Babe Ruth signed that ball. He was... 4556 | 4557 | the greatest baseball player who ever lived. 4558 | 4559 | - Oh. Really? [ Chuckles ] - He sure is. 4560 | 4561 | Your dad's father gave it to him. 4562 | 4563 | Maybe someday he'll give it to you. 4564 | 4565 | Oh. 4566 | 4567 | Neat. [ Chuckles ] 4568 | 4569 | [Scotty Narrating] It was salt in an open wound. 4570 | 4571 | Even my own mom, a grown-up girl, 4572 | 4573 | knew who Babe Ruth was. 4574 | 4575 | I was dead meat. 4576 | 4577 | We had thought that that ball Benny had busted the guts out of... 4578 | 4579 | meant something amazing was gonna happen. 4580 | 4581 | Now I just figured it meant my life was over. 4582 | 4583 | Hey, I got it! 4584 | 4585 | Why don't we just go over... 4586 | 4587 | and knock on the door and ask Mr. Mertle if he can get it for us? 4588 | 4589 | Are you out of your mind? Mr. Mertle's the meanest old man that ever lived. 4590 | 4591 | He's the one who made The Beast eat that kid. 4592 | 4593 | It's not an option, Smalls. Forget about it! 4594 | 4595 | Oh, okay. Sorry. I -- I will. 4596 | 4597 | Let's just look out the window. 4598 | 4599 | Good idea. 4600 | 4601 | [ The Beast Growling] 4602 | 4603 | [ Snarls ] 4604 | 4605 | - He's daring us. - We're on his territory now. 4606 | 4607 | Anybody got any bright ideas? 4608 | 4609 | [Scotty Narrating] After we'd all thought about it real hard, 4610 | 4611 | we had absolutely no idea what the hell we were gonna do. 4612 | 4613 | So things started primitively. 4614 | 4615 | Go. 4616 | 4617 | - Farther. - Farther, okay. 4618 | 4619 | -Just a little bit farther. - Farther. Farther. 4620 | 4621 | - Aah! - [ All Yelling ] 4622 | 4623 | Oh, no! Aah! 4624 | 4625 | Farther. 4626 | 4627 | [ Creaking ] 4628 | 4629 | Go to the right a little bit. Put the back to the right. 4630 | 4631 | [ Creaking ] 4632 | 4633 | A little bit farther. 4634 | 4635 | - Farther? - Guys, I see it. Turn, turn. 4636 | 4637 | Almost. 4638 | 4639 | You got it. Pull it back. 4640 | 4641 | - I got it! - Got it, guys. 4642 | 4643 | - [ Snarls ] - Oh, my God! 4644 | 4645 | Pull it back! Aah! 4646 | 4647 | [ All Screaming ] 4648 | 4649 | [ Snarls ] 4650 | 4651 | [ Growling] 4652 | 4653 | I think we've seriously underestimated The Beast. 4654 | 4655 | Obviously, we're dealing with a superior intelligence. 4656 | 4657 | - Power. - Okay, guys, almost ready. 4658 | 4659 | We're connecting power now. 4660 | 4661 | Power connected. 4662 | 4663 | Okay, we're ready. 4664 | 4665 | Initiate retrieval suction. 4666 | 4667 | Initiate retrieval suction. 4668 | 4669 | Initiate retrieval suction. 4670 | 4671 | - Prepare to initiate retrieval suction number one. - Okay. Get ready, guys. 4672 | 4673 | Initiate retrieval suction number one. 4674 | 4675 | Initiating retrieval suction number one now! 4676 | 4677 | [ Whirring ] 4678 | 4679 | - Fire number two. - Initiate number two. 4680 | 4681 | Firing two now! 4682 | 4683 | [ Grunting ] 4684 | 4685 | - Fire number three. - Number three now! 4686 | 4687 | Whoa! 4688 | 4689 | Ha! You got it. Haul it up. 4690 | 4691 | All right! 4692 | 4693 | - Pull it up. - [ Snarls ] 4694 | 4695 | [ All Screaming ] 4696 | 4697 | - What's going on, Squints? - The pipe-- it's pinched shut. 4698 | 4699 | - Turn it off, man! - I can't! They're shorting out! 4700 | 4701 | - What the hell is that noise? - [ Whirring Continues ] 4702 | 4703 | The vacs are clogged. I don't know about you, but I'm getting outta here. 4704 | 4705 | Let's go! 4706 | 4707 | Oh, no! Aah! 4708 | 4709 | Aah! 4710 | 4711 | Aah! 4712 | 4713 | Aah! Aah! 4714 | 4715 | They're gonna blow! Aah! 4716 | 4717 | [ All Yelling ] 4718 | 4719 | Aah! 4720 | 4721 | Incoming! 4722 | 4723 | [ Sighs ] We've been going about this all wrong. 4724 | 4725 | I blame myself. [ Sighs ] 4726 | 4727 | We need total surprise. 4728 | 4729 | An airborne attack. The Beast will never expect it. 4730 | 4731 | Yeah. 4732 | 4733 | [ Sighs ] 4734 | 4735 | [Snarls ] 4736 | 4737 | - It's clear. - Take me up. 4738 | 4739 | [ Growling, Barks ] 4740 | 4741 | [ Grunts ] 4742 | 4743 | Let me down slow. 4744 | 4745 | - A little slower. - Go slow. 4746 | 4747 | Go. 4748 | 4749 | Yeah, let me down. Almost there. 4750 | 4751 | - He's almost there. - [ Growling] 4752 | 4753 | Let me down right over it. 4754 | 4755 | Let him down right overit. 4756 | 4757 | [ Panting ] 4758 | 4759 | [ Growling] 4760 | 4761 | [Snarls ] 4762 | 4763 | Ewww. 4764 | 4765 | Okay, I got it. Get me outta here. 4766 | 4767 | Pull him up. 4768 | 4769 | [ Growling ] 4770 | 4771 | I-- I-- I-- [ Stammering ] 4772 | 4773 | - Hey, pull him up! - Aah! Aah! 4774 | 4775 | - [ Growling ] - Aah! 4776 | 4777 | [ All Shouting ] 4778 | 4779 | - Aah! - [ Growling ] 4780 | 4781 | - [ All Shouting ] - Aah! 4782 | 4783 | [ All Yelling ] 4784 | 4785 | [Scotty Narrating] It was my last chance. 4786 | 4787 | So we quit messing around and pulled out all the stops. 4788 | 4789 | I collected every piece of erector set I had, 4790 | 4791 | and it finally became... 4792 | 4793 | science against nature. 4794 | 4795 | Okay, go with me on the launch. Come on, Squints. 4796 | 4797 | - Prepare to launch. - Prepare to launch. 4798 | 4799 | Prepare to launch. Launching. 4800 | 4801 | Launch. 4802 | 4803 | Okay, you're on the ground. 4804 | 4805 | [ Growls ] 4806 | 4807 | Moving forward. 4808 | 4809 | [ Growls ] 4810 | 4811 | - You went too far. Go back. - Reverse. It's too far. 4812 | 4813 | Reverse. 4814 | 4815 | Stop. 4816 | 4817 | Drop catapult. 4818 | 4819 | - The catapult is dropped. - Open catapult. 4820 | 4821 | We're gonna get it. I know it. 4822 | 4823 | Opening. 4824 | 4825 | Forward. 4826 | 4827 | [The Beast Growling] 4828 | 4829 | Close catapult. 4830 | 4831 | - Catapult's closed. - We're gonna get it. Come on. 4832 | 4833 | - [ Growling] - Aah! Fire, fire, fire! 4834 | 4835 | I got it! I got it! I got it! 4836 | 4837 | Aah! 4838 | 4839 | [ Screaming ] 4840 | 4841 | [Snarling] 4842 | 4843 | [Boys Whimpering] 4844 | 4845 | [Scotty Narrating] My life... was over. 4846 | 4847 | Just as Bill had finally warmed up to me... 4848 | 4849 | and asked me to be the man of the house, 4850 | 4851 | I had to knock a priceless chunk of history into the clutches of a monster. 4852 | 4853 | Great. 4854 | 4855 | I had a dream that night about a giant baseball... 4856 | 4857 | that was signed by Babe Ruth... 4858 | 4859 | falling out of the sky and hammering me into the ground... 4860 | 4861 | like a railroad spike. 4862 | 4863 | I didn't know what that meant, 4864 | 4865 | but Benny had a dream that night too, and his was a lot more helpful. 4866 | 4867 | [ Crowd Cheering ] 4868 | 4869 | Who's there? 4870 | 4871 | Don't go pee in your pants. I'm just here to give you a hand. 4872 | 4873 | - B-But you're-- - Dead? 4874 | 4875 | Legends never die, kid. 4876 | 4877 | But you're really him. 4878 | 4879 | You're The Babe. 4880 | 4881 | The Sultan of Swat. The King of Crash. 4882 | 4883 | Of Crash, and a hundred other dopey names. 4884 | 4885 | Forget about that stuff, kid. We ain't got much time. 4886 | 4887 | - I'm here 'cause you're in some kind of a pickle, right? - Yeah. 4888 | 4889 | A baseball with my John Hancock on it... 4890 | 4891 | went over a fence and you can't get it back, right? 4892 | 4893 | Yeah, right. 4894 | 4895 | - Then just hop over there and get it. - Wait, wait! 4896 | 4897 | - I can't. - Can't what? 4898 | 4899 | - I can't go into that backyard. - Why not? 4900 | 4901 | There's a beast back there. 4902 | 4903 | What kind? 4904 | 4905 | A giant gorilla-dog thing that ate one kid already. 4906 | 4907 | Is that a fact? Sit down, kid. 4908 | 4909 | Sit down. 4910 | 4911 | Let me tell you something, kid. 4912 | 4913 | Everybody gets one chance to do something great. 4914 | 4915 | Most people never take the chance, either 'cause they're too scared... 4916 | 4917 | or they don't recognize it when it spits on their shoes. 4918 | 4919 | This is your big chance, 4920 | 4921 | and you shouldn't let it go by. 4922 | 4923 | Remember when you busted the guts out of the ball the other day? 4924 | 4925 | Someone's telling you something, kid. If I was you, I'd listen. 4926 | 4927 | Yeah. But what? 4928 | 4929 | [ Chuckles ] You're the one with the rubber legs. 4930 | 4931 | Figure it out. 4932 | 4933 | \"Henry Aaron.\" 4934 | 4935 | -I don't know why, but can I have this? -Sure, yeah. 4936 | 4937 | Thanks. 4938 | 4939 | Wait. 4940 | 4941 | You're saying I should hop over that fence and pickle The Beast? 4942 | 4943 | Think about that, kid. I'll see you later. 4944 | 4945 | [Crowd Cheering] 4946 | 4947 | Remember, kid, there's heroes and there's legends. 4948 | 4949 | Heroes get remembered, 4950 | 4951 | but legends never die. 4952 | 4953 | Follow your heart, kid, and you'll never go wrong. 4954 | 4955 | [ Knocking On Window ] 4956 | 4957 | [ Knocking On Window ] 4958 | 4959 | I had a dream. Get dressed. We're going to the sandlot. 4960 | 4961 | Okay. Wait. I'll get my stuff. 4962 | 4963 | [Scotty Narrating] Only one kid in history had ever attempted... 4964 | 4965 | what Benny was about to, 4966 | 4967 | and he got eaten. 4968 | 4969 | So we were worried-- real worried-- 4970 | 4971 | even when Benny brought out the secret weapon: 4972 | 4973 | shoes guaranteed to make a kid run faster and jump higher, 4974 | 4975 | P.F. Flyers. 4976 | 4977 | We can't let him do this, man. 4978 | 4979 | Benny, wait. 4980 | 4981 | It's okay. 4982 | 4983 | It was my fault. 4984 | 4985 | You don't have to do this. 4986 | 4987 | Yeah. Come on, Benny, man. You don't have to do it. Forget about it. 4988 | 4989 | It's like committing suicide, Benny. Don't do it. 4990 | 4991 | - Yeah, don't do it, Benny. - Yeah. 4992 | 4993 | Don't do it. It's suicide. 4994 | 4995 | Yeah, I do, Smalls. 4996 | 4997 | I have to do this. 4998 | 4999 | [Babe Ruth's Voice] Heroes get remembered, 5000 | 5001 | but legends never die. 5002 | 5003 | Follow your heart, kid, and you'll never go wrong. 5004 | 5005 | [ Snorts ] 5006 | 5007 | [ Snorts ] 5008 | 5009 | [ Snarling ] 5010 | 5011 | [ Sniffing ] 5012 | 5013 | [ Gulps ] 5014 | 5015 | [ Barks ] 5016 | 5017 | [ Knuckles Cracking ] 5018 | 5019 | [ Growls ] 5020 | 5021 | [ Barking ] 5022 | 5023 | - Whoa! - [ Boys Cheering ] 5024 | 5025 | [ Shouting ] 5026 | 5027 | - Yeah! Yeah! - Yeah! 5028 | 5029 | - Yeah! All right, Benny! - Oh, shit! 5030 | 5031 | - Wipe out - [ Barks ] 5032 | 5033 | [ Barking ] 5034 | 5035 | Come on! What are we waiting for? Let's get him! 5036 | 5037 | [Barking] 5038 | 5039 | A werewolf can be killed only with a silver bullet... 5040 | 5041 | or a silver knife or a stick... 5042 | 5043 | - with a silver handle. - You're insane. 5044 | 5045 | [ Barking ] 5046 | 5047 | [ Groaning ] 5048 | 5049 | Aah! 5050 | 5051 | Ohh! 5052 | 5053 | - The wolf bit you, didn't he? - Yeah, he did. 5054 | 5055 | Go now. And heaven help you. 5056 | 5057 | - [ Grunts ] - [ Growling ] 5058 | 5059 | [ Audience Shouting, Screaming ] 5060 | 5061 | Wipe out 5062 | 5063 | [Barking] 5064 | 5065 | [ Picnickers Exclaiming ] 5066 | 5067 | Look out! Aah! 5068 | 5069 | Hey! Hey! 5070 | 5071 | [ Gasping ] 5072 | 5073 | - [ Shouting ] - Hey, hey, hey! Kids! 5074 | 5075 | Put it down. Careful, careful. 5076 | 5077 | Whoa, whoa, whoa! 5078 | 5079 | Whoa, whoa, whoa! 5080 | 5081 | Mommy, Mommy, look. A doggy! 5082 | 5083 | [Woman Screaming] 5084 | 5085 | - Ooh, a big doggy. - [ People Shouting ] 5086 | 5087 | [ Girls Screaming] 5088 | 5089 | - Ohh! - Look out! Look out! 5090 | 5091 | Look out! Sandlot, sandlot, sandlot! 5092 | 5093 | Sandlot! Let's go! 5094 | 5095 | This way! Sandlot! Shortcut, you guys! Let's go! 5096 | 5097 | [ Barking ] 5098 | 5099 | [ Panting ] Where is he? 5100 | 5101 | Does anyone see him? 5102 | 5103 | I don't see him. 5104 | 5105 | There he is! 5106 | 5107 | [ Barking ] 5108 | 5109 | Oh, no. 5110 | 5111 | - [ Cloth Rips ] - [ Groans ] 5112 | 5113 | [ Barking ] 5114 | 5115 | Aah! [ Grunts ] 5116 | 5117 | [ Growls ] 5118 | 5119 | Look out! 5120 | 5121 | Oh, man. 5122 | 5123 | Oh, man. 5124 | 5125 | [Whimpering] 5126 | 5127 | Come on, guys. Help me! 5128 | 5129 | Please! 5130 | 5131 | Benny! Benny, help me, please! He's hurt! 5132 | 5133 | Come on. I can't lift it. 5134 | 5135 | - [The Beast Whimpering] - [ Grunting ] 5136 | 5137 | Let's go. 5138 | 5139 | Wow! 5140 | 5141 | Aw. 5142 | 5143 | - Wow! - [Benny] Now we can play forever. 5144 | 5145 | Hello? 5146 | 5147 | This is bad. 5148 | 5149 | This is very bad. 5150 | 5151 | Um, we-- we-- we brought your dog home. 5152 | 5153 | Hercules? 5154 | 5155 | How'd he get out? 5156 | 5157 | I'm telling you guys, we should've just turned it loose. 5158 | 5159 | Um, uh, well, uh-- We, uh-- 5160 | 5161 | What happened was, we hit a baseball into your yard. We tried to get it back. 5162 | 5163 | - So you're the ones that've been making all that racket. - Yes, sir. 5164 | 5165 | You get it? 5166 | 5167 | Um, y-yeah. 5168 | 5169 | Well, first time... 5170 | 5171 | that anybody ever got the best of old Hercules. 5172 | 5173 | Why didn't you just knock on the door? I'd have gotten it for you. 5174 | 5175 | - [ All Shouting ] - Oh, my God! 5176 | 5177 | I can't believe you! 5178 | 5179 | - We got the ball back, didn't we? - We almost got killed! 5180 | 5181 | Didn't we get the ball back? Just shut up! 5182 | 5183 | We got the ball back. 5184 | 5185 | Thanks for bringing him home. 5186 | 5187 | Come on in. 5188 | 5189 | We'll talk about this baseball. 5190 | 5191 | Come on. 5192 | 5193 | You in trouble, aren't you, son? 5194 | 5195 | Yeah, well, uh, that was my stepdad's ball. 5196 | 5197 | I took it without asking. 5198 | 5199 | - It was signed by Babe Ruth. - George signed this? 5200 | 5201 | George Herman Ruth? Yeah. 5202 | 5203 | I take it back. You're not in trouble. You're dead where you stand. 5204 | 5205 | Hold on. 5206 | 5207 | Hold on. 5208 | 5209 | Here. 5210 | 5211 | I'll trade ya. 5212 | 5213 | That's nice of you, but that ball really is signed by Babe Ruth. 5214 | 5215 | So's this one, with the rest of the Yankees. 5216 | 5217 | Oh, man. Murderer's Row! 5218 | 5219 | Lou Gehrig! 5220 | 5221 | [Scotty] Babe Ruth! But why would you trade? 5222 | 5223 | That one's all chewed up. 5224 | 5225 | I got a lot of good stuff. Look at that stuff. 5226 | 5227 | Besides, you need it more than I do. 5228 | 5229 | You knew Babe Ruth? 5230 | 5231 | George? I sure did. And he knew me. 5232 | 5233 | He was almost as great a hitter as I was. 5234 | 5235 | - I would've broken his record, but-- - You went blind. 5236 | 5237 | Yep. I used to crowd the plate... 5238 | 5239 | so the strike zone almost disappeared. 5240 | 5241 | [ Laughs ] Pitchers hate that. 5242 | 5243 | That's the way I played-- % all the time. 5244 | 5245 | Baseball was life. 5246 | 5247 | And I was good at it, real good. 5248 | 5249 | And then... one day, 5250 | 5251 | a high fast one, and pow, 5252 | 5253 | lights went out. 5254 | 5255 | I don't think we could take this ball. 5256 | 5257 | I'll tell you what. 5258 | 5259 | You guys come by once a week and talk baseball with me, we'll call it an even trade. 5260 | 5261 | Deal! 5262 | 5263 | [Scotty Narrating] Even though Bill loved the Murderer's Row ball, 5264 | 5265 | he was still plenty mad about me having swiped... 5266 | 5267 | his Babe Ruth autographed ball and ruining it. 5268 | 5269 | So I didn't feel too bad when he grounded me for a week... 5270 | 5271 | instead of the rest of my life. 5272 | 5273 | Wow! 5274 | 5275 | Things worked out between me and him. 5276 | 5277 | And from then on, I didn't have any trouble... 5278 | 5279 | just calling him Dad all the time. 5280 | 5281 | We all lived together in the neighborhood for a couple of more years-- 5282 | 5283 | mostly through junior high school-- and every summer was great. 5284 | 5285 | But none of them ever came close to that first one. 5286 | 5287 | When one guy would move away, 5288 | 5289 | we never replaced him on the team with anyone else. 5290 | 5291 | We just kept the game going like he was still there. 5292 | 5293 | You're starting to hurt my hand. 5294 | 5295 | [ Boy ] Don't miss it! 5296 | 5297 | [ Scotty Narrating ] It was weird that Benny said... 5298 | 5299 | Babe Ruth was like the Hercules of baseball, and The Beast's name ended up being Hercules. 5300 | 5301 | None of us could figure out what that meant, 5302 | 5303 | but we were all amazed by it. 5304 | 5305 | I kept in touch with those guys over the years, 5306 | 5307 | and I found out that Yeah- Yeah's parents shipped him off to military school. 5308 | 5309 | After the army, he became one of the pioneering developers of bungee jumping. 5310 | 5311 | Of course, we all know why. 5312 | 5313 | Bertram, well-- Bertram got really into the ' s, 5314 | 5315 | and no one ever saw him again. 5316 | 5317 | Timmy and Tommy became an architect and a contractor. 5318 | 5319 | They started out small, designing playground equipment... 5320 | 5321 | and prefabricated tree houses. 5322 | 5323 | But they became multimillionaires... 5324 | 5325 | when they invented mini-malls. 5326 | 5327 | Squints grew up and married Wendy Peffercorn. 5328 | 5329 | They have nine kids. 5330 | 5331 | They bought Vincent's Drugstore, and they still own it to this day. 5332 | 5333 | Hamilton Porter became a professional wrestler. 5334 | 5335 | You know him as The Great Hambino. 5336 | 5337 | DeNunez played triple-A ball, but he never got to the majors. 5338 | 5339 | He owns his own business now, and he coaches a little league team... 5340 | 5341 | that his sons play on called the Heaters. 5342 | 5343 | Hercules lived to be years old-- 5344 | 5345 | uh, in doggy years. 5346 | 5347 | I was the last one to move away. 5348 | 5349 | But when I did, the sandlot was still there. 5350 | 5351 | After Benny pickled The Beast, his reputation spread all over town. 5352 | 5353 | From then on, he was known as Benny \"The Jet\" Rodriguez. 5354 | 5355 | And the nickname stuck with him for the rest of his life. 5356 | 5357 | [Announcer] Now pinch running for the Los Angeles Dodgers, 5358 | 5359 | Benny \"The Jet\" Rodriguez! 5360 | 5361 | It is the clutch situation of the season. 5362 | 5363 | They say The Jet's lost a step or two, 5364 | 5365 | but I wouldn't be surprised to see some fireworks here. 5366 | 5367 | The Jet's got a suicide lead and-- 5368 | 5369 | And there he goes! He's stealing home! I don't believe it! 5370 | 5371 | - He's stealing home! - [ Cheering ] 5372 | 5373 | He's stealing home, and they don't see him! The pitch! 5374 | 5375 | He's hit the dirt! He's safe! Safe! 5376 | 5377 | - Oh, my God! - [ Cheering ] 5378 | 5379 | Safe! Safe! Safe! 5380 | 5381 | I don't believe it! The Jet stole home! The Jet stole home! 5382 | 5383 | [ Cheering Continues ] 5384 | 5385 | [ Cheering Continues ]" 5386 | end 5387 | end 5388 | 5389 | test.report 5390 | 5391 | # Results: https://s3.amazonaws.com/kurtzkloud.com/ss/Screen_Shot_2015-01-12_at_11.01.26.png 5392 | -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- /tests/instantiation_medium.rb: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1 | require_relative "../test_helper" 2 | 3 | test = Test.new("Single vs Double Quoted Strings (Big Instantiation)", runs: 100) 4 | 5 | test.add_variant "Single Quoted" do 6 | 1000000.times do 7 | 'abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz' 8 | end 9 | end 10 | 11 | test.add_variant "Double Quoted" do 12 | 1000000.times do 13 | "abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz" 14 | end 15 | end 16 | 17 | test.report 18 | 19 | # Results: https://s3.amazonaws.com/kurtzkloud.com/ss/Screen_Shot_2015-01-12_at_10.58.50.png 20 | -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- /tests/instantiation_small.rb: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1 | require_relative "../test_helper" 2 | 3 | test = Test.new("Single vs Double Quoted Strings (Small Instantiation)", runs: 100) 4 | 5 | test.add_variant "Single Quoted" do 6 | 1000000.times do 7 | 'abc' 8 | end 9 | end 10 | 11 | test.add_variant "Double Quoted" do 12 | 1000000.times do 13 | "abc" 14 | end 15 | end 16 | 17 | test.report 18 | 19 | # Results: https://s3.amazonaws.com/kurtzkloud.com/ss/Screen_Shot_2015-01-12_at_14.34.53.png 20 | -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- /tests/instantiation_tiny.rb: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1 | require_relative "../test_helper" 2 | 3 | test = Test.new("Single vs Double Quoted Strings (Tiny Instantiation)", runs: 100) 4 | 5 | test.add_variant "Single Quoted" do 6 | 1000000.times do 7 | 'a' 8 | end 9 | end 10 | 11 | test.add_variant "Double Quoted" do 12 | 1000000.times do 13 | "a" 14 | end 15 | end 16 | 17 | test.report 18 | 19 | # Results: https://s3.amazonaws.com/kurtzkloud.com/ss/Screen_Shot_2015-01-12_at_10.56.18.png 20 | -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- /tests/single_concat_vs_double_interp.rb: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1 | require_relative "../test_helper" 2 | 3 | test = Test.new("Single vs Double Quoted Strings (Interpolation vs Concat)", runs: 100) 4 | 5 | test.add_variant "Single Quoted" do 6 | 1000000.times do 7 | 'Hello' << 'world' 8 | end 9 | end 10 | 11 | test.add_variant "Double Quoted" do 12 | 1000000.times do 13 | "Hello #{"world"}" 14 | end 15 | end 16 | 17 | test.report 18 | 19 | # Results: https://s3.amazonaws.com/kurtzkloud.com/ss/Screen_Shot_2015-01-12_at_14.40.12.png 20 | -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- /tests/test.rb: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1 | require_relative "../test_helper" 2 | 3 | test = Test.new("The Test Test (should always yield significant difference)", runs: 100) 4 | 5 | test.add_variant "Fast" do 6 | 1000000.times do 7 | "Foo" 8 | end 9 | end 10 | 11 | test.add_variant "Slow" do 12 | 1000000.times do 13 | "Foobar" 14 | end 15 | end 16 | 17 | test.report 18 | 19 | # Results: https://s3.amazonaws.com/kurtzkloud.com/ss/Screen_Shot_2015-01-12_at_10.47.24.png 20 | --------------------------------------------------------------------------------